Getting used to living with housemates is difficult, especially if they don't respect your space.
Not being at home doesn't mean your room becomes a free for all common area.
Redditor princess-moo encountered this very issue with her housemate. So she turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
She asked:
"AITA for not letting my housemate use my room when I'm not there?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (F25) live in a house with three girls, all around the same age as me."
"During the past year, three of us have all started working from home, and one girl 'Jane' has been furloughed since last March. She's finally gone back to work this month, and is working from home three days a week."
"Now, the three of us who've been working have set up workspaces in our bedrooms, but Jane hasn't been working and also has the smallest room, so says she can't set up a desk in there."
"She's started working in the living room, which isn't ideal as it makes it difficult for us to use the communal space during the day, but it is what it is."
OP hasn't stayed in her apartment during quarantine.
"Our country has been in lockdown since Christmas and I made the decision to move in with my boyfriend during this time. Now that we're out of lockdown, I'm still spending the majority of my time at my boyfriends house."
"Jane has asked me if she can use my room to work in whilst I'm not there, and I said no."
"I thought that this was reasonable however another housemate has told me she thinks I'm being petty about it."
OP made a case for herself.
"Some points:"
"I've paid full rent and bills despite not being in the house 9 months out of the last 14"
"There is a history of my things being abused by the house- I've had a few things broken that no-one will own up to."
"In 2020, I was away for 5 months again due to the lockdown and when I came back, all my personal items had been removed from the communal areas (we all keep various things downstairs, it wasn't just my stuff everywhere!) and my freezer drawer, fridge shelf and cupboard had been emptied of my stuff and filled with theirs- I don't have an issue with this as I wasn't there, but would have expected for it to be emptied before I returned (everyone knew when I was returning)."
"I'm not super keen on Jane anyway, she can be quite rude without thinking about it and I just don't really want her in my space."
"This is pretty much the only space I have that is only my space, and I don't want someone I don't really like in it all day every day. AITA?"
"ETA: I can't switch rooms as I own my furniture and it wouldn't fit in her room. I'm moving out in the summer. And I do spend a couple of days a week in my room and need to work there, just not seven days a week!"
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
"Definitely NTA. You've pay for your room and get to decide what happens with it, whether or not you're home. Jane has some nerve expecting you to do her any favors after treating you poorly. Keep your room locked until you move out." ~ PsychologyAutomatic3
"Unfortunately, my door barely closes, let alone locks! Gotta love shitty landlords." ~ princess-moo
"She is gonna start using it, unless it is locked. They were disrespectful towards your things many times before. Why do you think they will respect your room now?"
"Find a way to lock your room, I would advise." ~ Arnesis
"Definitely, especially since the other roommates agree that Jane should be allowed to use OP's room." ~ PsychologyAutomatic3
"And get a camera so you can confront her if she uses your room. I was in a similar situation with a landlord that just entered my room as she pleased (she did not give out all the keys and didn't live there), so I set up a game cam (trail cam?)."
"It was motion activated and had a giant lock and sent the pictures to my phone directly. It's a great way to get proof." ~ annan1915
Redditors suggested OP move.
"Since you're basically living with your bf anyway, why not just move in with him."
"Jane gets an office, and you get the peace of mind that she won't be disrespecting your stuff."
"Chances are she's already been using your room and is just asking now so she can turn around and say 'well I asked.'" ~ MinoritySoRacismAOK
"NTA. But why not just move and give the room to her? Also, how did Jane end up in the smallest room?" ~ Idontcare100989
"She chose the smallest room, we all picked the room we wanted when we moved in. Unfortunately this was long before we ever expected to be working from home, pre-2020 we all went out to offices every day."
"ETA- we do pay rent split on room size, which was also agreed before we moved in. I will be moving out when our lease ends in summer." ~ princess-moo
"How big is her Room, cause I used to live at 8 square meters and managed to have a desk, bed and sitting area with two closets."
"So things are deffo possible just gotta arrange shit right."
"NTA." ~ AHelmine
"Sorry I think this was edited after! I will be moving when our lease is up in August." ~ princess-moo
"Info: if you're somewhere else, why not tell Jane that she can use your space if she pays rent and utilities on it, and officially move out? This is your way to get out of whatever lease agreement you can. If they need you to, you can pay a smaller portion of the bills by trading rooms with Jane." ~ its-just-paint
"I don't want to move out or trade. I love my little room and I've spent the last two years making it my own, plus my furniture and stuff wouldn't fit in Jane's room- I own all my workspace stuff, it didn't come with the room."
"My lease is up in August so I can't actually move out until then, and I want to keep my own room until then so I can use it when I'm in the city."
"ETA: I'm not always somewhere else, maybe 3 or 4 days of the week?" ~ princess-moo
It's OP's space and it should be respected.
Humiliated Redditor Ditches Friend's Birthday After She Publicly Mocks Them In Front Of Everyone
Fake people tend to show their true colors during pivotal moments, like weddings and major celebrations.
But when they want an audience to hurt someone else, it takes total sense that they would be called out in front of everyone, as agreed by members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit.
Redditor HollyyGinger went to their close friend's birthday party, expecting to have a good time and celebrate their loved one's special day.
But when their close friend made several mocking comments about them, and the party laughed along with them, the Original Poster (OP) took that as an indication of the state of their friendship and left the birthday party early.
They asked the sub:
The OP was excited to celebrate their close friend's birthday.
"One of my close friends had a birthday dinner last weekend, and I was genuinely excited to go."
"I helped her organize a few things beforehand, bought her a gift, and even rearranged some plans because I wanted to be there for her."
But the birthday dinner did not go at all how the OP expected.
"During dinner, though, she started making little jokes about me in front of everyone."
"At first, I laughed along because I didn't want to make things awkward on her birthday."
"But she kept going. She joked about dating life, brought up an embarrassing story I had told her privately, and made another comment about how I'm ''way too sensitive' sometimes."
"People were laughing, and I tried to act like it didn't bother me, but honestly, I felt pretty humiliated."
The OP tried to ask their friend to change the direction of the rest of the party.
"I quietly asked her when we were alone if she could stop making me the joke of the evening."
"She rolled her eyes and said I was taking everything too seriously and that everyone knew she was joking."
"I went back to the table for a while because I really didn't want to ruin her birthday."
"But then she made another joke about me, so I decided I'd had enough. I congratulated her again, said goodbye to everyone, and went home without making a scene."
The OP's friend tried to blame them for how the evening turned out.
"The next morning, she texted me, saying she was hurt that I left early and that several people noticed."
"She said that I made her feel like she had done something horrible when she was 'just having fun.' But her having fun was more of a public embarrassment to me."
"Now I feel guilty, because it was her birthday, and maybe I could have just ignored it for another hour or two."
"I wasn't trying to punish her or make the night about me. I just didn't want to sit there smiling while someone I trusted kept embarrassing me after I had specifically asked her to stop."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she didn't have to stay at a party where she didn't feel welcome.
"She was having fun. You were not having fun."
"You’re not overreacting. You told her it was hurting you, and she kept doing it because hurting you was entertaining for her. She is not a good friend." - Dunquinn-
"I remember when I was really little, a bunch of adults were laughing at me as I cried."
"I cried to my mom, 'Stop laughing at me,' to which she replied, 'We aren’t laughing at you; we're laughing with you,' while giggling."
"My response was something I stand by to this day: 'Then why am I the only one crying?!'"
"It’s only funny if the person who’s being teased is laughing too. You weren’t laughing. It wasn’t funny; it was cruel. NOR." - XSmartypants
"She’s a bully. It wasn’t 'more like 'it was publicly embarrassing. It WAS publicly embarrassing."
"Then she tells you that SHE is embarrassed because YOU left early. That's bulls**t."
"NOR. Drop her." - WTH_JFG
"NOR. They make jokes about someone's privacy to humiliate that person. Anyone who would use info that was shared in confidence to get a laugh is an abuser. You don't do that, especially to a close friend, without the intent to hurt that person." - BungenessKrabb
"Would it have been fun if you did the same? Start telling her darkest secrets?"
"She made you into a punchline for other people’s entertainment."
"You told her to stop, and she didn’t; now she’s the victim?"
"NOR."
"But also, some people need to feel it to believe it. I hope you go to the next gathering with a few stories of your own and don’t let her rewrite the narrative." - beached_not_broken
"I’ve had it happen by my 'best friend' at the time, only it was in a professional setting event. Very personal details only she knew, all spilled for her amusement, embarrassing me in front of colleagues."
"NOR, OP. As you did, I left the gathering earlier than expected. My 'friend' called the next day asking why I left so early. I told her what she had said and done and how humiliated I felt."
"Her 'apology' was that flippant version that shows no remorse, like, 'Well, I’m sorry you feel that way.'"
"Over the subsequent years, she managed to alienate and burn bridges with most of those same people we were gathered with."
"I’m sorry this happened to you, OP. Anyone who thinks you were 'too sensitive' has no empathy and 'friends' like that don’t deserve your time." - Hungry_Tank9182
"NOR. She was being a jerk to you, and she was expecting you to just take it and not say anything or defend yourself."
"Because they think it's sooo funny to mock others, but I bet if the roles were reversed, she would be offended and upset."
"Honestly, you deserve better friends. I'm sorry you had to deal with this."
"I would've left and blocked her." - Cryslove
Others urged the OP to stop thinking about the event and let that friendship go.
"That was the point of her fun! Humiliating you with an audience!"
"Sharing something deeply personal, told in confidence? Immediate dealbreaker."
"She is not (and likely never was) your friend. Friends do not treat friends with such disrespect. Block her, and go no contact. She brings nothing good to your life, and she’s not worthy of your energy and time."
"NOR." - MizPeachyKeen
"It’s called bullying. She is not your friend. Friends don’t humiliate their true friends, or tell them 'they are too sensitive.'"
"That is what bullies do. She keeps you around to put you down and make herself look or feel better."
"Her actions, attitude, and behavior are those of an immature high schooler. She could actually be jealous of you and not want one or all of the following: you to succeed, have more friends, feel better about yourself, look better, etc."
"Please slowly distance yourself, find new hobbies and activities with more mature, well-rounded, healthy people." - Freeling_Fab_U_lous
"How DARE you spoil her fun; didn't you know that part of your gift was letting her make you the butt of her jokes? (sarcastic comment)"
"What an awful person. No one should need to put others down to raise themselves up. She doesn't deserve the title of friend, to be honest. You showed much more grace than I would have managed." - tphatmcgee
"She was using you as her punching bag to make the others attending laugh. Probably thinking you’d just take it. That’s not a good friend. NOR." - Additional-Start9455
"'Someone I trusted kept embarrassing me after I asked them to stop.' NOR."
"First, you shouldn't have had to ask her to stop because a friend wouldn't have started in the first place. One of her 'jokes' was about you being sensitive, so she knew you didn't like it and did it anyway."
"Second, you asked her privately to stop, because you didn't want to embarrass her. Think about that. You didn't want to embarrass her. But she couldn't show you the same consideration, even after being asked to stop."
"That's not how I treat my friends, and I suspect that's not how you treat your friends, either." - calminthedark
"I would have answered her text that she's a s**tty friend and to f**k off. You have class."
"I probably would have made a comment at dinner that I asked her to stop with the insults."
"NOR. You did everything right." - Particular-King218
The subReddit was disappointed on the OP's behalf that a friendship they were so committed to, they were excited to celebrate their friend's birthday and even helped plan the event, came apart at their expense, and on very public terms.
If the friend didn't want to be "embarrassed," maybe she should have thought about how she was embarrassing others first.