Taste in music is subjective.
What might be one person's auditory paradise might be another's hell.
Nor is taste in music something all couples have in common.
Indeed, many couples love each other in spite of their wildly different tastes in music.
Redditor EmbarassedChristian was growing increasingly tired of his wife's admiration for one particular singer.
So much so that on a recent vacation, the original poster (OP) demanded that his wife also take a break from listening to this particular artist.
A request that the OP's wife did not appreciate one bit.
Wondering if he was out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for asking my wife to stop playing Taylor Swift on vacation?"
The OP explained how his attempts to hear Taylor Swift's music a little less often while he and his wife were on vacation did not go as planned.
"Since January, my wife (25 F[emale]) has played almost nothing but Taylor Swift, daily, on repeat."
"Averaging about an hour of her music a day."
"She's a huge fan; shed many tears when we decided she couldn't pay $1000 to see the concert."
"I am not a Swiftie."
"Not really even a fan at all."
"I think Taylor needs new subject material."
"Good songwriter but repetitive and boring to me."
"Whether we're in the car, having a game night with neighbors, sitting by the pool, playing cards, or cooking, my wife is playing and singing Swift over a Bluetooth speaker."
"It started off cute."
"Then got annoying."
"Then made me feel like I'm hanging out with a 14-year-old from 2011."
"I am permanently banned from saying anything negative about Swift."
"Saying I don't like her is 'taking away from her achievement as the first female artist to have such a successful tour.'"
"We are currently in a hotel with 4 family members, about to go on vacation. 9:00am and my wife starts playing to brush her teeth."
"Nobody else was particularly bothered because they don't have any context, but I think they were clearly wondering why she was playing it so loud."
"I asked if we could 'take a vacation from Swift this week as well.'"
"My wife threw a bit of a fit saying I embarrassed her or implied that she is immature."
"Her parents are telling me I'm being rude."
"Asked my wife to step outside to chat, told her I wasn't trying to hurt her feelings."
"It didn't go well, and now I've 'ruined the vacation.'"
"I understand making her feel awkward, and her family not being bothered, but am I an a**hole for being tired of her singing the 10 minute version of 'All Too Well'?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
While the Reddit community was somewhat divided on whether or not they thought the OP was the a**hole for asking his wife not to play Taylor Swift.
Most people agreed that not only was the OP's wife being inconsiderate to be blasting music on Bluetooth, as opposed to using headphones, but felt her reaction to the OP's request was also immature.
"NTA."
"Major swiftie here, but I don't subject anyone else to listening to her if they don't want to."
"Just because your wife is obsessed doesn't mean everyone else needs to be."
"And her reaction was incredibly immature."- SorrySpell3870
"NTA has she heard of headphones?"- BriefHorror
"No one wants to listen to the same music blaring over and over again."
"And it's rude as hell for her to blast her music at 9 am."
"My brother-in-law has different tastes in music, so we'd switch it up."
"NTA"- kykiwibear
"Taylor doesn't even listen to her songs 24 7."
"NTA."
"Buy her some earbuds."- Rcimo4142
"NTA, she sounds obsessive, and it's annoying to listen to the same artist all the time."
"Especially if you're not even a fan."
"It's a little inconsiderate on her part it's gone this far."- zertz_18
"NTA."
"You've just described my worst nightmare."
"Tell your wife to quit torturing you and to use headphones."
"She's like a child."- gordo0620
"Huge Taylor Swift fan here, and no, you're NTA."
"The issue isn't Taylor Swift. There isn't one singular artist that wouldn't get annoying if it's all I listened to with my partner for months on end."
"It's weird obsessive behavior, and she sounds selfish and weird lol."
"PS Taylor is incredibly successful and will remain so even if some people don't like her. What a weird way of weaponizing feminism."- Medical-Suit7119
"NTA."
"Other people's music can be annoying."
"Hasn't she heard of earphones?"- Euphoric-Plenty-1603
Others, however, were a bit less sympathetic towards the OP, who felt the way he handled this was condescending to the point of controlling.
"YTA."
"Wild how the comments are focusing on debating the legitimacy of Swift's career when the OP described a history of belittling and abusive behavior towards his wife."
"Diminishing her interest as 'cute' then determining it's worthwhile acknowledging how huge of a fan she is by saying HE decided she couldn't spend the money to go to the concert because he determined it wasn't worth it."
"So toxic and controlling."
"Then humiliating her in front of family members."
"He could have spoken to her about introducing other artists to playlists or limiting Swift's time before the trip when they were one on one, but instead, he chose to belittle and humiliate her."-CFTwinInOnt
"Regardless of opinions on Swift, 1 hour a day of a particular sort of music is not that much, and if you really want a change, how about positively suggesting something you like rather than just criticizing your wife's taste."
"And then to publicly pull her up on your objections to her taste in music in front of family members is just rude and tips this firmly into YTA."- distraction_pie
"YTA."
"I think OP could have approached it in a better manner."
"Women's tastes in music are very often dismissed, and making light of something important to her in disdain is kinda icky of you."
"You must have been badmouthing TS a lot if you got 'permanently' banned, lol."
"You could have asked her to restrict her music to herself so as not to disturb others maybe."
"But you approached it in a pretty icky manner."
"This is probably a case of how you said it too."- Sushitoes
"YTA."
"Don't you listen to things she doesn't like?"
"Watch shows she doesn't like?"
"Play games she doesn't like?"
"An hour a day while doing stuff around the house isn't that much."
"Just ignore it or do something else with headphones in or ask her to wear headphones."
"There are so many options here. Instead of complaining that you don't like TS music, propose some solutions and talk about it with your wife instead of trying to shame her into compliance on a family vacation."- botheorange
"YTA."
"You said yourself you feel like you're hanging out with a 14 yo?"
"C'mon dude, you definitely said more than 'take a vacation from Swift.'"- quantum_dragon
"YTA."
"You're not trying to hurt her feelings, but you said she's a 14-year-old from 2011 (although she was a 14 y.o. in 2011 so good one)."
"You're controlling, petty, and immature."
"She can like who she likes."- SepiaToneHitchhiker
"YTA for trying to imply that Swift's fans are all 14-year-olds, that's just immature."- splendid_idea
"An hour a day is nothing."
"Go for a walk. Let her blast her music and sing along."
"We have music on all the time in my household."
"And while generally we are a heavy metal/rock kinda family, we play other stuff and anything somebody wants they get for at least some of the time."
"For example if my toddler wants baby shark on repeat for an hour then we live with it."
"If my five-year-old wants master of puppets on constantly - that's her time."
"You have your time with your music or peace and quiet and she gets hers."
"If music is only on for a few hours and you want peace and quiet for the rest, you are getting the majority of the time."
"It's compromise."
"You don't get your way all the time, and embarrassing and belittling someone isn't the way to make them change anyway."
"YTA."- Amazingkitty7
It's easy to grow tired of just about any song that you hear on repeat, even the ones you love.
Making it seem somewhat reasonable for the OP to hope that he could escape from listening to Taylor Swift, as well as his job and home, while on vacation.
Timing is everything, though, and one can't help but guess that had the OP made this request to his wife ahead of time and not in front of family members, it might have gone over a bit better.
Or that his wife would have been able to "shake it off" with a bit more ease...
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp