Redditor throwrabalding is a woman who is trying to convince her husband she is not leaving him because of his changing appearance.
Nothing reassured him she wasn't going anywhere and is now worried there might be an underlying issue.
She sought input from strangers on the Relationship Advice subReddit and wrote:
"My husband thinks I'm going to leave him because he's balding even though I'm literally bald."
The Original Poster (OP) began the thread by sharing her own experience with hair loss.
"He's 32 I'm 28. I have a variety of issues that cause baldness. I underwent chemo a few years ago, and I also have alopecia."
"I've just given up on having hair and shave what little grows now."
"My husband is going bald, it's been a long time coming, I've been noticing thinning for a couple years. But he actually has a bald spot now. He's very concerned that I'm going to leave him."
"I don't understand why, I'm completely bald. Not many people want a bald woman. And it would be a little hypocritical to leave him for being bald. All ignoring the fact that I married him, I'm not going to leave him over a minor change."
"He doesn't believe me and keeps asking if I'll leave him. Nothing I say ever makes him believe me. I've hugged him, sat him down for long talks, kissed him, complimented him, none of it works. What do I do."
Redditors relating to the husband's insecurity commiserated with him while others encouraged him to "embrace your inner Patrick Stewart."
"My husband has cancer, so he lost all his hair after chemotherapy. I think he looks sexy, like Lex Luthor (Michael Rosembaum not Gene Hackman)." – Pame_in_reddit
"My hairline is receding a bit, but apparently science has proven some benefits to being bald for men. Apparently you look more manly bald? I hope its true."
"Im defo gonna embrace the bald, gonna take some time to get used to it, but eh, less shmapoo right?" – Lucky_Lotto
"Yup, he has some deeper issue if he is so fixed on this notion, despite the reality of the situation."
"If your rational arguments are not hitting home, it's time for a specialist to identify the root of the problem." – Darth-Doc
"Sounds like he needs therapy if no amount of reassurance is working for this insecurity of his." – Bread_Biter123
"This! You can't fix internal issues with external validation." – brainybrink
"Not many people are completely non-reliant on external validation!"
"OP, I don't know how long this situation has been going on for, but give your man a bit of time to get over his hair loss before suggesting therapy. It is a shock to most men who will accept it eventually." – saintdartholomew
"Wanting external validation is normal. Needing it and feeling worthless and/or immobilized without it is not healthy." – Micro-Fiber
"Well as a dude, I think it comes down to our image of 'manliness' being overplayed."
"I am 20 and i'm already scared im going bald even tho I only have a little thinning near my widows peaks. Its the main reason behind both widespread toxic masculinity and male insecurity." – StarvedHawk
"My hair is the biggest thing about me that makes me feel attractive, and the compliments I've gotten about it over the years reinforced that."
"But since I was 17/18, the corners of my hairline have been receding to the extent that I felt it necessary to try and style my hair in ways that compensates for it or draws attention from it."
"I've also been losing a lot of hair the last 5 years specifically- not many things worse than washing it and watching strand after strand of the source of most of my self confidence sailing towards the drain."
"And there's no way in hell I could pull off being bald. I don't have the face for it. For most of my life I've been a baby-faced emo kid. Increasing age and a brand new beard has helped me to look more 'manly', but definitely not enough to keep baldness from crippling my self image lmao."
"I feel sorry for OP's husband and I think I know how he feels." – Stormophile
People suggested the husband try growing facial hair.
"GROW A GOATEE!"
"Seriously though, guys with a bald head and a goatee have a quite sexy look. But then I think goatees are just a very flattering style in general."
"I also seem to remember a College Humor video called 'Balding to Badass in 2 easy steps.' And it's basically just shaving your head and growing a goatee. I'll link it when I find it."
"EDIT: Found it" – Hallux-Olecranon
"It sounds like he needs to work on loving the balding version of himself, as cheesy as that sounds... you can't possibly pour enough love in there to make up the gap for him."
"It's great to reassure him when he's feeling insecure and tell him what you find attractive about him and make sure he knows how you feel but that's not a cure all and that's OK!"
"People are complicated and sometimes we need to talk our sh*t out with a third party and priced our feelings in a different way." – Errvalunia
"It could be a deeper problem, but let's be honest: dudes hate going bald. It's devastating to one's ego. (Yes I know it's far more embarrassing for a woman. But bear with me)"
"Talking to other bald men may help. As can changing the hairstyle to embrace it. It's what I did, and it's done wonders to my self confidence."
"It's great that she's encouraging and she should keep doing that. But some problems guys need other guys' help with." – ThrowRAOcelot-Simple
This Redditor suggested the following words of comfort the OP could tell her husband.
"You didnt leave me during cancer. You didn't leave me during chemo. You didn't leave me when I balded. Why on earth do you think I'd leave you. I love you. And it is really concerning me you think I am this shallow hypocrite."
"If you can't get over this I would like you do get therapy, because this is really concerning me. I love you."
"Something like that." – gibzy_
Sometimes, changing perceptions are helpful.
"It's not bald, its just more forehead to kiss." – whoisanyoneanyway
Redditors hope the husband will eventually accept his changing appearance and understand he is in this together with his wife.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.