Redditor throwrabalding is a woman who is trying to convince her husband she is not leaving him because of his changing appearance.
Nothing reassured him she wasn't going anywhere and is now worried there might be an underlying issue.
She sought input from strangers on the Relationship Advice subReddit and wrote:
"My husband thinks I'm going to leave him because he's balding even though I'm literally bald."
The Original Poster (OP) began the thread by sharing her own experience with hair loss.
"He's 32 I'm 28. I have a variety of issues that cause baldness. I underwent chemo a few years ago, and I also have alopecia."
"I've just given up on having hair and shave what little grows now."
"My husband is going bald, it's been a long time coming, I've been noticing thinning for a couple years. But he actually has a bald spot now. He's very concerned that I'm going to leave him."
"I don't understand why, I'm completely bald. Not many people want a bald woman. And it would be a little hypocritical to leave him for being bald. All ignoring the fact that I married him, I'm not going to leave him over a minor change."
"He doesn't believe me and keeps asking if I'll leave him. Nothing I say ever makes him believe me. I've hugged him, sat him down for long talks, kissed him, complimented him, none of it works. What do I do."
Redditors relating to the husband's insecurity commiserated with him while others encouraged him to "embrace your inner Patrick Stewart."
"My husband has cancer, so he lost all his hair after chemotherapy. I think he looks sexy, like Lex Luthor (Michael Rosembaum not Gene Hackman)." – Pame_in_reddit
"My hairline is receding a bit, but apparently science has proven some benefits to being bald for men. Apparently you look more manly bald? I hope its true."
"Im defo gonna embrace the bald, gonna take some time to get used to it, but eh, less shmapoo right?" – Lucky_Lotto
"Yup, he has some deeper issue if he is so fixed on this notion, despite the reality of the situation."
"If your rational arguments are not hitting home, it's time for a specialist to identify the root of the problem." – Darth-Doc
"Sounds like he needs therapy if no amount of reassurance is working for this insecurity of his." – Bread_Biter123
"This! You can't fix internal issues with external validation." – brainybrink
"Not many people are completely non-reliant on external validation!"
"OP, I don't know how long this situation has been going on for, but give your man a bit of time to get over his hair loss before suggesting therapy. It is a shock to most men who will accept it eventually." – saintdartholomew
"Wanting external validation is normal. Needing it and feeling worthless and/or immobilized without it is not healthy." – Micro-Fiber
"Well as a dude, I think it comes down to our image of 'manliness' being overplayed."
"I am 20 and i'm already scared im going bald even tho I only have a little thinning near my widows peaks. Its the main reason behind both widespread toxic masculinity and male insecurity." – StarvedHawk
"My hair is the biggest thing about me that makes me feel attractive, and the compliments I've gotten about it over the years reinforced that."
"But since I was 17/18, the corners of my hairline have been receding to the extent that I felt it necessary to try and style my hair in ways that compensates for it or draws attention from it."
"I've also been losing a lot of hair the last 5 years specifically- not many things worse than washing it and watching strand after strand of the source of most of my self confidence sailing towards the drain."
"And there's no way in hell I could pull off being bald. I don't have the face for it. For most of my life I've been a baby-faced emo kid. Increasing age and a brand new beard has helped me to look more 'manly', but definitely not enough to keep baldness from crippling my self image lmao."
"I feel sorry for OP's husband and I think I know how he feels." – Stormophile
People suggested the husband try growing facial hair.
"GROW A GOATEE!"
"Seriously though, guys with a bald head and a goatee have a quite sexy look. But then I think goatees are just a very flattering style in general."
"I also seem to remember a College Humor video called 'Balding to Badass in 2 easy steps.' And it's basically just shaving your head and growing a goatee. I'll link it when I find it."
"EDIT: Found it" – Hallux-Olecranon
"It sounds like he needs to work on loving the balding version of himself, as cheesy as that sounds... you can't possibly pour enough love in there to make up the gap for him."
"It's great to reassure him when he's feeling insecure and tell him what you find attractive about him and make sure he knows how you feel but that's not a cure all and that's OK!"
"People are complicated and sometimes we need to talk our sh*t out with a third party and priced our feelings in a different way." – Errvalunia
"It could be a deeper problem, but let's be honest: dudes hate going bald. It's devastating to one's ego. (Yes I know it's far more embarrassing for a woman. But bear with me)"
"Talking to other bald men may help. As can changing the hairstyle to embrace it. It's what I did, and it's done wonders to my self confidence."
"It's great that she's encouraging and she should keep doing that. But some problems guys need other guys' help with." – ThrowRAOcelot-Simple
This Redditor suggested the following words of comfort the OP could tell her husband.
"You didnt leave me during cancer. You didn't leave me during chemo. You didn't leave me when I balded. Why on earth do you think I'd leave you. I love you. And it is really concerning me you think I am this shallow hypocrite."
"If you can't get over this I would like you do get therapy, because this is really concerning me. I love you."
"Something like that." – gibzy_
Sometimes, changing perceptions are helpful.
"It's not bald, its just more forehead to kiss." – whoisanyoneanyway
Redditors hope the husband will eventually accept his changing appearance and understand he is in this together with his wife.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.