Cancer remains a hefty diagnosis, and the treatment process involved is physically, emotionally, and psychologically grueling.
It's definitely worth celebrating when the treatment is effective and complete, but it's not just about the patient; it's about their loved ones, too, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor NoCupcake9001 had just completed a long cycle of cancer treatment and wanted to feel appreciated by celebrating the milestone of her treatment being done.
When her boyfriend did not arrange a special celebration to surprise her, the Original Poster (OP) questioned their entire relationship.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by being upset that my long-distance boyfriend did not do anything special for me for my last day of cancer treatment?"
The OP was looking forward to doing something to celebrate being done with cancer treatment.
"I’ve gone through six months of chemotherapy and radiation, and today marks the end of that nightmare."
"I really wanted my boyfriend to do something or send flowers or something, but I didn’t get anything. Just a call."
The OP was hurt that her boyfriend did not do something special for her that day.
"I don’t want it to dampen my celebration for what I just got through, but I also can’t ignore the heartbreak it’s incited."
"I have noted to him previously how important little (even free) gestures (cards, notes, flowers, a voice note) are to me."
"And I did ask him previously. He was visiting two weeks ago, and I asked him, 'Will you do something at the end of my treatment for me? Remember, you said at the start that you would.'"
"He just said, 'We’ll see,' in what I thought was a coy way? So I took that to mean 'yes.'"
"But if he was never going to do anything, I wished he’d just tell me he wasn’t or couldn’t, so I didn’t get my hopes up."
The OP also texted her boyfriend to address the issue.
['Twin' here is used as a term of endearment for two people who feel romantically mirrored and like they see themselves in each other.]
"Hey twin. I know you're wrapping up and heading to dinner, but I just want to share this, so it's not sitting on my heart, and I can really lean into the relief and celebration I want to feel today."
"I did appreciate you calling and being by my side through all of this."
"I think a part of me is just feeling a bit sad because I was craving something a little more celebratory and intentional, like flowers or a small gift. You know that kind of thing really makes me feel loved."
"I know that a gift doesn't feel special when it feels expected or pressured, and that's not what I want, either."
"I just don't know how else to highlight how much those small things in these big moments mean."
The OP's boyfriend replied:
"I understand, twin. I am trying to make the occasion as best I can."
"We can talk more about it this evening."
The OP continued:
"I know you're trying. I think what I'm struggling with is that 'marking the occasion' doesn't really feel different from how we talk every day?"
"And that's where the sadness is coming from. There's nothing different about how we've connected today or how I feel seen."
"But for me, today is one in a lifetime."
The OP shut the conversation down:
"I've shared what I needed to. I don't know if it's worth talking about later tonight now."
"For me, it's less about talking and more about just feeling that intentionality."
u/NoCupcake9001/Reddit
The OP's boyfriend texted:
"That makes sense, twin. I'm just at the restaurant now. Let's catch up tonight."
The OP replied, shutting the conversation down:
"We can, but I have literally nothing else to say about this. It's a situation of action, not conversation."
"There's no talking through this need, the way I see it."
u/NoCupcake9001/Reddit
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some said the OP was overreacting and that the real gift was right in front of the OP's face.
"YOR!"
"I'll just add: having a friend, loved one, or acquaintance finish chemo, and radiation isn't something most people experience with any kind of regularity. There are no known social norms on how to respond or celebrate it."
"Expecting someone, who isn't even in town, to know to plan for some kind of special celebration is pretty wild. If you really wanted something, you should have said last week, 'Hey, my last treatment is next week; maybe we can do x, y or z to celebrate.'"
"When my best friend went through treatment in her late 20s, a group of us got together to get her care packages and all the things to entertain herself while in the hospital and sitting through chemo. It never once crossed my mind to celebrate the end of treatment, and it's not because I didn't care about her." - Previous_Matter6575
"If I were your boyfriend, I’d probably forget to celebrate, too, because I’d be so relieved and probably would be just trying to celebrate myself that you’re still literally alive and not having to spend every second in fight or flight."
"I remember when my ex thought he had colon cancer, and even though I was about to break up with him, I was more distraught than he was at first."
"Your boyfriend probably feels a lot more than celebratory." - CRYSTALKATIJA
"I really don’t understand how someone would know that you expected a gift. A gift for completion of chemotherapy is definitely not a custom. 'Push presents' aren't even that common anymore."
"We don’t know anything about how much he has or hasn’t supported you throughout your ordeal, so it’s really impossible to comment on that. But unless you let him know ahead of time that you expected a gift or a party or something, then how would he possibly know? As I said, that is not accustomed." - Own_Introduction6353
"I know several people who beat cancer, and they never got gifts for it. Not everyone celebrates with flowers, either."
"OP should have just told her boyfriend how she wanted to celebrate the occasion. Having your girlfriend beat cancer isn’t typical or common. So it’s understandable that he wouldn’t know what to do in that situation." - FinancialFold1893
"I went through a similar caliber health milestone, and my loved ones sent texts or called to congratulate me and share some kind words, and that felt supportive and intentional for me."
"OP isn’t wrong for feeling the way she feels, but I agree it’s a little unfair to expect something that’s not standard without expressing that expectation. I totally get wanting your loved ones to know you well enough that you shouldn’t have to ask, but by the same token, they aren’t mind readers."
"It sounds like small gifts are OP’s (receiving) love language, so I will concede that maybe the boyfriend should have thought about that and anticipated it, but even then, ending cancer treatment, while absolutely monumental and worth celebrating, is not a standard gift-giving occasion."
"I also agree with the other commenters saying that it’s a little unfair of OP to broach the topic of an issue she has with her boyfriend, then shut it down as soon as she’s said her piece."
"The communication itself was great: open, honest, and clear. But the method/delivery was not it. I don’t know that anybody’s wrong here. I think both sides made mistakes." - ad_astra327
Others challenged the OP to hold space for her boyfriend to share his feelings rather than shutting the conversation down.
"Congrats on beating cancer. That is far and away the number one takeaway here, and with Reddit having the reach it does, there are people all over the planet celebrating with you right now!"
"I think you had every right to express yourself here. I have no problem with that. But I do think it is unfair of you to unload everything YOU wanted to say and then tell your boyfriend the conversation was over."
"Doesn't your partner also have a right to communicate with you? Don't you also benefit from actual open communication?"
"What started as you advocating for yourself in a healthy way ended up feeling more like a manipulative power play." - StopSpinningLikeThat
"Congrats on kicking cancer in the butt!"
"I do agree that if you get to let 'something not sit on your heart,' it's not really fair to dump that on your boyfriend's heart and then not allow him to say anything."
"Also, doesn't sitting by your side during cancer treatment make you feel loved?" - GenoFlower
"OP is definitely overreacting. When I read their post, to me, it sounds like they aren't grateful for the boyfriend being there for them through everything. It reads as 'oh, I'm done with treatment; you didn't throw me a party; I don't need you anymore.'"
"They definitely need to consider the toll it took on the people who care about them and who were there for them. It is a lot more stressful than they realize."
"But it also read as just a convo between friends, not two people who love each other. Maybe their finish line came and went, and they were too distracted by treatment cycles to notice." - Dont_b-suspicious
"He’s open to the feedback and talking more, and you over here, being like, 'I have nothing else to say about this,' is a bit off, because if you want to feel cared for, let him come talk to you and show how much he cares? Are you trying to set him up to fail? Let the guy talk!" - Intelligent_Lab_234
"Congrats on beating this motherf**king disease! Very proud of you, you’re strong!"
"But I don’t think it’s fair to say you part and then shut him down. He seemed understanding and not arguing, and wants to resolve it by talking about it. Give him a chance!"
"Long distance also isn’t for me. Communication is very, very important." - HoneyPops08
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a brief update.
"I woke up to a notification that he sent me flowers, and I thanked him."
"I told him it means a lot, and I feel sooo happy and seen by the gesture."
One Redditor, who was a fellow cancer survivor, posted an eye-opening comment for the OP to consider.
"I went through cancer treatment two years ago, so I really understand that last day and how much of relief it is. The feelings are overwhelming."
"And, it’s important for us to remember that as we go through it, we become extremely self-absorbed."
"I don’t judge any of us who go through treatment, it’s the longest, shortest season filled with so much darkness, difficulty, and exhaustion, endless doctors’ appointments and scans. I had a phobia of needles, and it was exposure therapy every day. We’re going through this complicated experience, mostly in shock that it’s happening in the first place. It’s consuming."
"And here’s the hard truth. The people alongside us who stay for the ride really have no opportunity for life to be about them anymore. They are initially paralyzed. Who in the world knows how to deal with cancer or serious illness? Hardly anyone does; we’re not equipped for it."
"And they don’t have the luxury of processing how scared and sad they are because we are the ones who get to be scared and sad. They also have to go to work every day and keep their responsibilities while taking care of us. They’re feeling shoved to the background, and frankly, their needs are deprioritized during treatment."
"We don’t mean to do it, but for us, nothing but survival is important anymore. And they suffer in silence."
"People who go through cancer treatment just don’t have the bandwidth to provide consistent support to their partner, emotional or physical. We’re terrified, we are sick, and we’re exhausted."
"So remember, he went through something, as well; he just probably never got to talk about it."
"Caretakers and partners experience very intense grief and extreme difficulty in this journey, and though they often don’t want to burden us with it, it’s still there. It’s so lonely for them, it’s a traumatic mind f**k, and a spiritual crisis."
"They are isolated; people with cancer are like a burning car, because you want to help, but you’re scared to get too close. But they have to be in the car with us. They don’t know if they can take up space; they feel like they don’t deserve it."
"So they are relieved that life might just be normal, now that treatment is over, and they get their life and love back. But that’s the myth: that when we’re done with treatment, the difficulty stops, but it doesn’t. It’s like you’ve just given birth to a baby, and now that labor is over, the people in our lives are desperate that we just get up and get on with it. It’s over!"
"They never want to think about it anymore, but you’re probably going to need about a year to heal. So getting aligned on where he’s at and giving him a chance to tell you is very important. Critical. It doesn’t matter that you are still healing, you’ve got to make a generous dose of your relationship with him, starting right now. And you need to mean it."
"I do think you’re overreacting. While it’s important in a relationship to say how you feel, you made this about you and not the two of you getting through something together. This could’ve easily been you thanking him and even creating a moment for him where he helps you get through this."
"Your edit about the flowers is even more concerning. You feel seen? How are you making him feel seen?"
"Your love language is clearly gifts, material gifts at that. What is his? Are you honoring it?"
"I know some may not agree with that, but as someone who’s been through this and had a partner who stayed with me the entire way, we’ve had to process a lot of this, and I absolutely understand his perspective. His feelings are valid, too."
"We just can’t dump on our partner and then tell them they can’t talk about it. We need to acknowledge that it took all of our energy to survive, which can make us unintentionally pretty demanding."
"I’d do some self-reflection and make some conscious decisions to ask him at least one question about himself every single day, give him space to talk about this process, and even be upset about it."
"You need to, or frankly, you’re likely going to lose your relationship. It’s very common."
"I had six friends who came to treatment with me, did my dishes, clean my house. They were the people I would call when I realized, somehow during the night, I had turned off half the power in my house, trying to make the microwave stop beeping. Your brain just doesn’t work well on chemo, and while it was funny to me, it scared them. I realized that over time."
"It took a year, but I did something special for each of them to thank them and gave them a chance to really talk about the experience. We are all the better for it, but our relationships with each other will be different forever."
"Mostly, thank God you’re OK, you made it. It’s so huge. Isn’t it amazing how our bodies fight to survive?" - DRangelfire
No one was faulting the OP for wanting to make this very serious milestone feel celebrated in some way. However, some felt that crossing the finish line with her friendships and relationships intact was enough of a celebration.
That aside, it was clear that the OP needed to work on her communication, not in the sense of sharing how she felt, but holding space for her partner to share their thoughts, as well.
As willing as her boyfriend was to listen and to do better, he surely had a lot he wanted to share about their experience together during the OP's treatment cycle. Even though it was the OP's health on the line, it would have taken an emotional toll on him, too.
