One of life's and entertainment's golden rules is always leave the comedy to the comedians.
You really have to know how to land a joke and you really, really should know your audience.
You would think couples in long term relationships would be able to handle this issue. But alas...
Case in point...
Our Redditor throwaway11212021 wanted to discuss his story for some feedback. So naturally he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for requesting a paternity test after my wife, joked out of the blue, about our child's paternity?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"We've been together 3 years, been married 1 year, and have an infant."
"Relationship has been the best of my life and relatively smooth throughout - no red flags. Our child is healthy and happy."
"We're in a pretty great familial situation currently. We are blessed to really have no real stresses or anxieties."
"We were at the grocery store and my wife asked me not to purchase something because of potential BPA in the item (a chemical which can leach into food and impact fertility)."
"I joked that I clearly didn't have issues with fertility (since we had a kid as soon as we started trying), and I've been consuming that item regularly."
"Then she joked, 'well maybe our kid's not yours.'"
"It took me a second to really process what she said, but once I did, I got very sad and upset."
"I initially told her, 'don't joke about that,' and 'why would you say something like that?'" And I stopped talking the rest of the time at the grocery store."
"But once we got to the car, the idea had built up enough in my head that I told her I'm going to getting a paternity test immediately (I'm shopping on Amazon for one as I write this)."
"She pushed back and started going down a number of defensive vectors, from 'why don't you trust me?' to 'is your reaction saying something about you I should be worried about?'"
"To which, I replied, heatedly, 'I understand the idea is ludicrous, but you suggested it, completely out of the blue, and now it's out there. And there's no way to put this question away ever again except to actually get a test.'"
"After a few rounds of this, she acquiesced and left me to go look for a test."
"I trust my wife, she's a fantastic person, a successful professional, a great mother, etc."
"But I had never even fathomed that our child wasn't mine until she made what was, in all likelihood, the worst joke and retort in history."
"Am I overreacting?"
"AITA?"
Redditors had no issue sharing their thoughts on this matter by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors felt our OP and his wife were the AH.
So we might be looking at a ESH situation, but everyone had some caveats and wide ranging thoughts on the matter.
"Sounds like a joke. But everyone has a threshold for what is funny. If it will ease your concerns have the test."
"Then stop joking about it." ~Brody141
"I don't think it's as simple as taking the test to ease concerns."
"If he goes through with it, his wife will always remember that he didn't trust her and needed physical proof of fidelity over a single joke."
"At best, she will always be more guarded around him and less willing to make jokes or even openly communicate."
"At worst, she could decide she doesn't want to be with someone who doesn't trust her."
"OP needs to consider to ramifications of the test beyond just the results." ~ a_regular_bi-angle
"NAH."
"My husband and I both make casual jokes about paternity/maternity to each other any time kid does something that is against the others personality."
"Kid doesn't like X, 'sorry you had to find out this way.'"
"But I also let him know when we were just dating that he could 100% get a paternity test any point in the future and I'd support that and still do. Because f**k yeah science."
"I think paternity jokes being a major line for you is reasonable."
"I don't think the joke she made was out of the blue or intended to mean she messed with someone else."
"When we make the jokes, the idea is more 'swapped at birth/got knocked up by.a toilet seat/ immaculate conception' type logics." ~ k9centipede
"Are you the kind of couple that makes each other the butt of the joke?"
"Because if so, dude you totally set yourself up for the joke. You basically started it by joking about your own fertility."
"You're not really an a**hole for stressing yourself out over this, but I think if you take a step back and recognize the sequence of events: wife asking you to not purchase a product with possible negative affects on your fertility (implying she wants to have another child with you), to you joking that it's obviously not a problem you need to worry about, to her joking about the paternity you'll see it was a pretty logical line of riffing off of each other."
"I understand this hasn't been a specific joke for you before but if you have a general playfully-giving-each-other-crap relationship I think you'll recognize it wasn't that deep."
"Either that or you don't actually trust your wife and you should probably try and work through that with her." ~ literaryworlds
"The escalation here is really fast to me."
"She makes a joke at the cash register and by the time you get to the car it's a major issue."
"That doesn't seem like you trust your wife especially since you started this joking interaction with the joke about your own fertility."
"Her joking retort seems completely normal to me. Your response, to ask for a dna test within maybe twenty minutes is not at all normal to me and may damage this supposedly fabulous relationship."
"Edit: I'm surprised by how much attention this comment has gotten."
"I didn't original put a judgement for a variety of reasons, but I'll add one now. Soft YTA."
"Take some time to reflect on your reaction and communicate with your wife. You both need to have a conversation about this." ~ Born_Ad8420
"YTA. From the title I was prepared to be on your side but nope."
"She made an obviously sarcastic joke (you've said she likes to make those kind of jokes) and you turned it into something serious."
"It honestly feels like you just don't trust your wife and you're using her little joke as an excuse to get the paternity test you might have already been thinking of getting."
"How little must you trust your wife for one joke to be enough to make you question if your child is yours?" ~ RunThroughTheWoods
"NAH. She made a bad joke and has stoked a bout of insecurity within you."
"The test is not harmful to anyone and will set your mind at ease."
"I find it strange that so many are saying wanting the test is a red flag."
"Why is men wanting to confirm paternity so hard for people to understand?"
"At this point it should be a standard thing instead of some taboo issue that only ''untrustworthy'' men ask for." ~ Darthkhydaeus
Remember rule number one!
Know your audience. Jokes and emotions backfire way too often.
Hopefully these two can get past this guffaw.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.