Hobbies are important.
Crafting, painting, surfing... tasks that have the power to transport you from a stressful world to somewhere more serene are crucial.
What happens, though, when someone else takes offense to your escape and takes steps to curtail it?
This was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Wrong-Turn2020 when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for some outside thoughts.
She asked:
"AITA for demanding my husband to replace all the books he threw away?"
OP began with a prologue of sorts.
"I (female -31) am a reader, used to read a lot in my teenage years as an escape method from many of my problems and recently got back to reading."
"I read classic books since this category is my fav, I spend time and effort visiting libraries and online shops to collect books."
Everything was okay until:
"Thing is my husband (male 33) hates it when I read."
"We've just returned from honeymoon 2 months ago and he's been complaining about books taking our special time away, specifically at night but I like to think that I'm balancing with my reading time."
"He has started calling me grandma or say I remind him of an old lady neighbor to get me to quit reading but it didn't budge me."
Things escalated and led to the problem at hand.
"A week ago, I found out that he's given my book collection away and I was devastated after he defended himself saying he did this for my own good and for the sake of our marriage since I seemed to forget my priorities."
"I flipped out, yelled at him that those books were hard to get and demanded he pay me and replace them right then but he said that I really should invest my time in an outdoor hobby we could both do."
"But I was having none of it and demanded he replace the books."
"I gave him a list of every name of every book and when he saw it he laughed and asked if I was really still thinking about those books and suggested 'I move on' but I yelled at him telling him he has a week to replace them and that was it."
"He's trying to get me to let it go and had others say it was childish of me to start a fight over some books while the library is open but they got no comment from me."
OP was left wondering.
"AITA for expecting him to replace the books?"
Having explained the situation, she turned to Reddit for some outside thoughts.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Someone drew comparisons to another avid non-reader.
No one pouts like Gaston,
Throws books out like Gaston,
Acts dismissive even when you shout like Gaston.
His control freakishness is infuriating;
Please get divorced from Gaston! ~mm172
Others took the situation much more seriously.
" 'We've just returned from honey moon 2 months ago and he's been complaining about books taking our special time away,' "
"You've only been married 2-3 months, and he's trying to prevent you from reading? What an a**hole."
"NTA"
" 'He has started calling me grandma or say I remind him of an old lady neighbor to get me to quit reading' "
" 'he's given my book collection away and I was devastated after he defended himself saying he did this for my own good and for the sake of our marriage since I seemed to forget my priorities.' "
"Mocking you is bad enough, but he's trying to isolate you from a healthy enjoyable hobby as well."
" 'he said that I really should invest my time into am outdoor hpbby we could both do' "
"And trying to mold you into a different person. This is so controlling."
" 'I gave him a list of every name of every book and when he saw it he laughed and asked if I was still really thinking about those books and suggested "I move on" ' "
"And trying to belittle you over the damage HE dealt to you?"
"I very rarely say this, but I think you need a divorce."
"This is someone you're supposed to be able to love and trust."
"I'm assuming he didn't (outwardly) have a problem with you reading prior to marriage."
"He seems to think he's allowed to belittle and control you, dispose of your property and ignore the effect it has on you."
"This is an abusive man, and it isn't worth trying to change him. He changed rapidly from before you got married, I assume, and thinks you're his to manipulate."
"Get out of there, get a divorce/annulment, and replace the books when you're away from him."
"This sounds like a sign of things to come, rather than the worst he's going to be." ~ TheGingerCynic
And...
"NTA."
"He is controlling and to be honest your story scares me." ~ Poekienijn
Comments pointed out how one-sided husband's solution was.
"Tonally agree with all of this."
"It's also telling that he wants OP to get into outdoor hobbies (which he is presumably into), while not even beginning to entertain the idea of getting into reading as a way to connect with his wife." ~ thecunninglinguistic
There were alternate suggestions.
"NTA."
"Throw the husband away and replace him with more books." ~ acetrainerjayce
OP did return to answer some frequent questions.
"Wow!!!"
"I just got home and saw this...oh my God..."
"I'm overwhelmed by the comments here and I can't/won't be responding to all of them but I just read a few and will answer some questions in bullet points form."
"OK."
"Yes, My husband knew about my love for reading but like I said, it's been long time since I've read a book (I've read stuff online here and there) and so this is recent."
"I confess that my husband did express that he felt neglected/ignored by me when I'm reading but I didn't think his concerns were legit."
"what do I plan on doing if he kept stalling and didn't replace the books in a week? I've already told him what I'd do now I've given him extra days which pissed him off more."
"And finally...- Am I married to Gaston? - no comment on that. LOL"
Always remember to cultivate hobbies that bring you peace and escape from the stresses and difficulties that the world throws at us every day.
Also, be wary of anyone trying to separate you from that little oasis of joy.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.