When money comes into a situation, it can quickly reveal who a person really is and what they value.
Unfortunately for some, this can include the uglier sides of marital spouses, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Realistic-Budget4527 had recently gotten married and went through the process of listing her husband as her primary life insurance beneficiary.
When he not only did not do the same but instead decided to list his estranged, rich mother as his primary beneficiary, the Original Poster (OP) didn’t know what to think.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for canceling my life insurance policy because my husband won’t make me a beneficiary on his?”
The OP had a good relationship with her husband, ex-husband, and children.
“I (42 Female) have been married to my husband (46 Male) for a little over a year. We were together two years before we were married but had been friends for five years before we began dating.”
“I have two adult daughters from my first marriage. Their dad and I divorced as friends, and we had and STILL have a good relationship as co-parents.”
“My husband and kids consider themselves friends rather than ‘stepdad’ and ‘stepkids.'”
The OP had made life insurance arrangements for her daughters long ago.
“I have carried a significant life insurance policy for my daughters in addition to the policy I have through work for many years.”
“I upped my policy a few years ago because I lost both of my parents in my 30s. They were divorced and as the legal next of kin, I had to deal with the fallout for BOTH of them, including a LOT of expense.”
“I didn’t want my daughters to have to deal with that. So if I were to get hit by a bus tomorrow, my daughters would split $250k plus another $100k through my work.”
The OP also added her husband once they got married.
“When I got married again, I took out a separate $100k policy for my husband.”
“As my, now, legal next of kin, he would be the one tasked with tying up my loose ends. I couldn’t imagine my 21-year-old daughter having to go through what I went through when I was in my late 30s.”
“The funeral home, the bank, and the insurance company have all been arranged.”
“And my husband earns less than me. It would be enough to get him settled without me.”
The OP figured her husband would do the same for her.
“He has a $100k policy through work. After I took out my policy for him, I asked him what he needed to change me to his beneficiary.”
“He asked me what I meant.”
“His mother is his sole beneficiary and he explained that he is not going to change that.”
The OP was shocked by her husband’s reservations.
“His mom is married to a plastic surgeon. They live in a three-million-dollar home on the other side of the country. She hasn’t visited him in 10 years.”
“She hates my guts because, even though her son is a blue-collar worker that I outearn, she thinks I ‘married him for his money.’ (She didn’t even come to the wedding.)”
“If he dies, I will be left with trying to sort out his estate with nothing.”
“In his defense, he has never been the legal next of kin when someone dies. But… his mom doesn’t need that money and she surely would not step in or help me. I’d be on my own.”
“I asked him again last week if he had updated his beneficiary status. He hadn’t.”
The OP decided to return the favor.
“So I called Fidelity and canceled my policy for him. I also changed my persons of contact and beneficiaries on my bank account, 401k, and employee stock to exclusively my kids.”
“Now he is yelling about how ‘everyone is on vacation and he can’t talk to them about it,’ even though I first asked him about it a year ago.”
“He called me an AH for ‘leaving him with nothing,’ even though that is what he would essentially be doing to me.”
“Am I just being petty?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were puzzled over why the OP’s husband insisted on doing this.
“Money makes people weird. I’m baffled, like you, why he would need to make his wealthy mother the beneficiary. As a show of love? And she’s what, in her 70s?”
“I think this situation has shown you something about your husband that’s probably unpleasant (and I’m not advocating divorcing him… yet). He approaches money emotionally and not practically, which is obviously NOT how you approach it.”
“You’re definitely NTA for canceling his policy. In the event that something happens, he’ll have to figure it out, but honestly, you sound like the type of person who’s already figured it out for everybody. Your only priority is to take care of your children; he can take care of himself.”
“Then, if you’re up for it, turn your attention to how to move forward with this unpleasant revelation about your husband. It’s gonna be tough, to be honest.” – Ok-Local138
“NTA.”
“Also, what the f**k?! Your husband doesn’t understand what life insurance is. It is there to cover your dependents. It is there so that if you cannot provide, then the insurance kicks in to help provide after your untimely death.”
“It is not a f**king lottery ticket.”
“It makes ultra-zero sense that your husband puts his wealthy mother as beneficiary. No sense at all. Zero. What the f**k?” – Apprehensive-Care20z
“NTA. He’s incredibly selfish. So how does he expect you to pay for his final arrangements, remaining joint bills, etc.?”
“He’s telling you that you’re on your own. When a person shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” – NickelPickle2018
“NTA. He made his choice and intentions clear. His mother gets his life insurance. But you, as next of kin will have to handle all of his debts, go to probate court, and pay fees. I’m sure his mother who he hasn’t seen in 10 years will be happy to take care of all of that for you?”
“He’s an id**t, but I would definitely get a will written and a trust set up. He can get nothing.” – xchellelynnx
“Life insurance is supposed to help bridge the gap in finances when a loved one passes away. If OP lost her husband, that life insurance would help her have the financial security to mourn and get back on her feet. Which is why it should go to OP and not the mom. What a weird take.” – Additional-Tea1521
“Absolutely not. Why are you an AH, but not him? Hypocrisy at its finest. Keep your stuff for your girls. If he really wanted you to be a beneficiary, he would’ve done it without you even asking. It’s not normal to put your mom down when you’re married.” – HomelesswithoutanM
No matter how petty it might feel, others felt the OP did the only thing she could do.
“NTA. You tried communicating with him twice, and he made it clear he wasn’t going to change. What else were you supposed to believe? Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. He sounds immature.” – Martinez332rt
“NTA. Sounds like you got his attention. But if he changes it now, would you trust him to not change it back? It doesn’t sound like he sees a long-term future with you. Maybe you are just Mrs. Right-now.”
“However, you can set up a trust. Make the trust the beneficiary. Task the trustee to take care of your final expenses. The trustee can even reimburse your husband if he takes care of things.” – Irrasible
“If he can’t commit to this basic level of partnership, it’s a red flag. Trusts are a smart move to protect yourself and your loved ones. If he’s serious, he should’ve handled this a long time ago.” – ewuiaj
“I would not want to be married to this person anymore. I hope you had a good prenup.” – IamNotaKatt
“Where I live, you can have someone cremated for about 1,000 dollars. No frills, no funeral service. Just pick up the ashes after it’s done.”
“That’s exactly what he would get from me. No way would I spend thousands on a funeral with all the bells and whistles if I were in OP’s situation.”
“Either direct the funeral home to his mom, if she was still alive, as next of kin and beneficiary, or do the cheapest thing she can. No service, cheap pine casket (or better yet, cardboard). But if you can get a cheap cremation, that’s better.” – LibraryMouse4321
“You need to put your assets into a trust and will specifically state it goes to your kids. Have someone else not husband be the trustee.”
“This guy will screw your kids over if you die.”
“Anything that does not have a beneficiary on it should be put in a trust. Also, yeah it sucks, but have a record of all your assets and make sure someone knows about it if you can’t trust your daughters at this age to have the info.”
“I also lost my mom in my 30s, and she left a big chunk of it to the estate, and it was a huge f*cking mess. I think it was because she had some torn feelings about what to do with her long-term partner but it was a mess and awful. I don’t think she thought it through.”
“Just whatever it is, figure it out. And of course, NTA.” – haterading
The subReddit was shocked that the OP’s husband had set his estranged mother up as his beneficiary anyway, but even more so that he refused to add his wife and somehow expected her to still cover him.
This screams of entitlement and a lack of commitment and just is not the hill to do anything on.