Redditor ggggyuiiiih is a husband and father who was accused by his wife of raising their kids to disrespect their mother.
The conversation was had when the wife, who is expecting, was in the kitchen cleaning up after the family had sat down for a lengthy dinner.
When he was given an ultimatum, he visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA I didn’t wait for my wife to finish eating?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I and my wife have been married for 9 years. She’s 32 weeks pregnant now. We also have 2 other kids(2 female and 4 male).”
“Today, we were having dinner together. I was done eating within 15 minutes. I fed the kids after I was done eating.”
“My wife takes about an hour to finish her meal every time because she’s a slow eater. The kids were getting cranky after about half an hour of us all sitting at the table waiting for her to finish.”
“The 4yo is not allowed electronics at the table because we don’t want the kids to get into the habit of gadgets while eating.”
“After about 1.5 hours, the kids started crying saying that they don’t want to sit at the table anymore but my wife wasn’t done eating yet. I told her I’ll put the kids to bed and come back.”
“I brushed their teeth, gave them a quick shower, dressed them up in night clothes and put them to bed.”
“Then I cleared up the dirty dishes from the table and washed the vessels. My wife finished her dinner as I was washing the dishes and put her plate in the sink. While she was wiping the counter and the stovetop, she told me she was hurt by me and the kids not waiting for her to finish dinner.”
“She said that I’m teaching our kids that it’s ok to disrespect their mom by not waiting for her patiently. She told me she wouldn’t be eating dinner with any of us until the kids and I apologize to her.”
“AITA?”
In edit, the OP gave details about when she finished her dinner.
“We sat down to dinner at around 7pm. I got up from the table with the kids at around 8:20. When I came down and was doing the dishes it was about 9. That’s when my wife was done with her food and came to put her plate in the sink.”
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole here.
“Your wife got to enjoy her meal at her own pace while you dealt with the cranky kids; did the bedtime routine alone, and then also cleaned the kitchen afterwards. I’d be grateful. NTA.” – annie783
“Exactly! How did OP’s actions hurt her? He only took care of the kids’ bedtime routine, which is a perfectly good and responsible thing to do. She should be grateful.”
“NTA. You seem like a good dad.”
“Also, an hour and a half solely for eating a meal? What did she eat, a whole killer whale? That’s absurdly long, and even if she did that because she’s pregnant, she shouldn’t expect others to wait for her, especially 2 – 4 year old children. Waiting for a single person to eat for 90 minutes is just a waste of time.”
“Also, waiting at the table has nothing to do with disrespect. The kids are 2 and 4. Sitting around doing nothing for 1.5 hours is not their way of expressing respect – they’ll just get bored and upset. You took care of that.”
“I would normally say N A H – her slow-eating is not really AHery when it’s to avoid acid reflux or something caused by the pregnancy – but she’s being really rude. Demanding an apology is just over the top.” – GoodGirlsGrace
“I too am a slow eater. Have even been as I was obese. Now I have lost a lot of weight thankfully and am even slower at eating. Also I don’t eat much anymore.”
“But I never was mad at my boyfriend for being faster than me. I would be grateful if he would start cleaning up while I am still eating. He mostly waits until I am finished tho.”
“And since we are not living together it happens that he leaves to go home while I still am eating because he is tired and has to work the next day. I am accepting that because I really am a slow af eater.” – Hubsimaus
“I am a slow eater too, as well as my brother, because we get distracted during dinner (ADHD). We finish easily within in an hour.”
“We also accept that people go do other things. If a 10 year old neurodivers kid can accept that people sometimes do their things when he is taking too long because he was doing other things, so should an adult… He is actually grateful that he can play with my dad because my dad can start on doing the dishes.”
“OP, NTA, your wife is ridiculous.” – EggplantHuman6493
“it’s also a bit worrying that she was intent on keeping the children up past their bedtime to wait for her to finish eating. Id go as far as to call that negligent parenting as she then would be depriving the children of essential needs(sleep) just because.”
“That entire situation is giving me ‘No one leaves the table unless I say so,’ and in my opinion that is not a mindset that creates a healthy family dynamic.” – knittnens
“Taking onto this – if waiting for everyone to finish eating is a sign of respect (which is fine if the meals less than 20 minutes), eating at a reasonable speed absolutely is as well.” – DimiBlue
“Especially with pre school kids. That’s just absolute torture. If the kids are done in a reasonable time, I wouldn’t force them to sit there patiently for more than maybe 20 minutes.”
“Then praise them for that. Absolutely bonkers to expect silent, no stimuli sitting from toddlers/pre school kids.”
“Wife isn’t the AH for her eating habits, but she is for expecting a 2 and 4 to sit quietly for 2 hours with nothing to do at a table, and more so for expecting an apology when they can’t.”
“NTA for taking care of your PRE SCHOOL kids instead of torturing them for a silly reason.” – Kragbax
“I would also say that making someone wait foe 2 hours while you eat is really disrespectful to them. You are wasting there time and delaying their duties and free time.”
“At my old workplace we had a similar problem during lunch. Some coworkers took almost an hour to finish eating, and because we would all wait for everyone to finish, we couldn’t do anything else during our break. By the time everyone finished their meals, the smokers didn’t have time to smoke, there wasn’t time to get things from the locker (if needed), etc. So we made a rule – once we start eating, everyone has 3o minutes.”
“For those 30 minutes, everyone stays at the table and waits for the others to finish (except for special situations). After 30 minutes, everyone can leave the table. If you weren’t dine with your lunch – you are left alone (unless other people are still eating). NTA.” – Longjumping_Cook_275
“Forcing young children to sit and watch mommy eat for two hours is a great way to instill disordered eating tendencies in their little minds. I hope OP puts enough money away for the therapy bills.” – alady12
“I agree, I find it OTT controlling, its unreasonable. I was brought up proper haha- It is bad manners to make people who have finished eating wait too long for you to finish. This is a massive abuse of power and control.”
“OPs wife has no idea about etiquette. I hope OP doesnt continue to let his wife carry on this insane behaviour that is no good for their children. Nightmare. I dont think it is related to the pregnancy either. OP states that she always takes an hour to finish.”
“This needs to be brought up in front of a therapist. OP is NTA – but his wife is a massive AH. She owes the whole Family an apology for her appalling manners.” – V-838
“Especially at that time of night. My kids are 11 & 12 and would have eaten half the house by 7pm and would be sleeping at the table at 8:20pm. Kids get up early, have tons of energy, eat all day and then sleep so they can grow. When my kids were very little we are at 5:30-6pm. Maybe 6:30 but they would take their time too.”
“By 8:20 it’s pretty late to just start getting kids to bed. Especially if you have to bathe them and go through all the routines. Had they waited it would be at least 9pm? DEFINITELY NTA, but the wife was kind of being one.” – Lil_Elf81
While what is considered an acceptable amount of time it takes for a person to consume their meal was up for debate, many Redditors agreed that the wife’s resentment towards the OP was not warranted considering he put the kids to bed, cleared the table, and washed the dishes.