Keeping score and insisting every act must have an exact counteract in a relationship isn't likely to lead to long-term happiness.
A husband turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after he decided the balance of effort with his wife was unfair.
Striking-Jaguar3348 asked:
"AITA for refusing to make my wife dinner since she will not make me breakfast?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My wife and I have two kids that are both in daycare. My wife will take the morning shift, which includes getting the kids up, getting breakfast and to the daycare."
"I handle the night shift which is getting the kids from daycare, doing dinner and starting to get them ready for bed. Usually, she gets home around 6:30-7, and the whole family has like 30 minutes together before the kids' bedtime."
"We usually spend it reading to them. She has to travel an hour+ ( depends on traffic) to work each way."
"So the kids are getting at daycare at 8 in the morning and I will pick them up around 4. I work from home and start around 7 and end around 3-3:30."
"The issue is around breakfast."
"We agreed that I would make dinner each night and she does breakfast. She already makes food for the kids so it's literally just making an extra one of what she is already making."
"Sometimes it's just toast, other days it's eggs or oatmeal. We have breakfast sandwiches or Eggo waffles."
"For the past month, she will either not make it at all for me or not tell me that it is done. I have asked her to just give a general time, but she keeps switching up the schedule."
"One day, they are eating at 7 in the morning and then getting dressed. Other days, she is giving them toast before getting into the car."
"I have talked to her multiple times and explained that it is not considerate. We got into an argument, and she told me I am home, so just make my own food."
"I explained I may be home, but I am doing my job."
"Yesterday she didn't make me anything and I had enough. She came home and I didn't make her anything for dinner."
"When asked I told her she is home and can make her own food."
"This started a huge argument, and she called me a jerk."
"I am so sick of it. I am. I don't see why I have to make her food when she clearly doesn't give a sh*t about my food."
"I have them more than her and she wanted the morning shift. When I had it I always made her food."
"I do all the night stuff, just me. She comes home to the kids, who are all ready for bed with their clothes for the next morning ironed, and then we sit and read to them."
"Not to mention, I am the one who cleans the kitchen. I have to do it every single day before I make dinner. She leaves it for me."
After getting negative feedback, the OP edited their original post to add:
"I have the kids more than her. She has them for an hour in the morning, and I have them for 2-3 every night."
"Also, everyone is saying I don't know the stress of the morning shift. I have literally done it for two years. She is the one who wanted the morning shift because of her schedule."
"For everyone saying, 'Have you asked her what is wrong?' Yes, but she doesn't give an answer. So I need an outside opinion on this.'
The OP summed up their situation.
"I'm refusing to make my wife dinner since she will not make me breakfast. I could be a jerk since I was petty by not making her dinner."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was the a**hole (YTA).
"Why are you ironing the kids' daycare clothes? Are they fancy clothes?"
"I don't iron my kid's day-to-day clothes, and they never look wrinkly. I mean, I'd get it if it's a formal uniform or something, but most kids attend daycare in play clothes." ~ Loud-Foundation4567
"He's not ironing their clothes. He just wants to sound like a martyr." ~ tesyaa
"How much of a mess can she make in the kitchen just making toast, oatmeal, or cooking eggs?"
"I'm kind of stuck on the fact that you're ironing clothes for daycare." ~ jmd709
"You're mad she doesn't do as much as you when she literally can't because she drives 2 hours every day just to work. Do you truly think she wouldn't want to help more if she wasn't worn out from her daily commute + whatever mental drain her work causes?"
"I see you've asked, and she says nothing. When do you ask? When she's worn out from work?"
"When she's trying to decompress, and your attitude makes her shut down more? This is all about you, but I don't see your empathy towards your wife's feelings. YTA."
"If she just can't make breakfast for that day for whatever reason, then as a GOOD partner, he needs to accept it and figure out how to help so it's not an issue."
"He stays at home. When the kids go to school, he can eat while they're gone."
"She literally goes to work where she is on someone else's schedule. If she's running late, logically, it makes sense not to waste time making breakfast for someone who is home ALL DAY."
"He wants to play tit for tat and act like it's a logical, adult response. It's not."
"Like I said, that response makes him an a**hole because he's intentionally leaving her out in order to get back at her instead of figuring out how to make his family schedule work better for EVERYONE." ~ lalocurabella
"She was making him breakfast until this month, but just not when/how he wanted it. I would stop too if I had hectic mornings of getting kids to daycare/school and had to deal with that." ~ naivemetaphysics
"YOU HAVE 0 COMMUTE. I don't get why you need everything to be 'even' when she has to spend an extra 2 hours a day to work."
"You're trying to make everything 50/50 when relationships aren't always like that. Sometimes you just need to help more and you sound unwilling to." ~ nice52
"She's on a time crunch in the morning. You're not. She and the children have to be at a certain place at a certain time each morning. You don't."
"Your wife spends hours commuting each day. You don't. You've got the easiest part of the deal. You get more time with the children."
"But you're being petty instead of acknowledging that." ~ Bethsmom05
"YTA. I think the problem here is that in the morning there is a deadline. She has to get to work on time and with an hour commute there is some variability due to traffic. So her priority in the morning will be speed."
"At night, it's different, because you won't get fired if you don't get the kids to bed on time. There's just less pressure there. Of course we all want the kids in bed early but it's not the same level of pressure as needing to keep one's job."
"The other factor is that you are thinking of the kids as consistent units of work. That's not the case. Kids in the morning can be very chaotic to manage."
"They don't really want to go to daycare or school, so they misbehave. So you can't just say, 'Wake up at 7, make breakfast at 7:25, leave the house by 8 am' because the children don't agree."
"One day, you give them breakfast at 7:25, and you leave by 8 am. Another day, you give them breakfast at 7:25 and you are still chasing them around the house trying to make them sit still and put their shoes on at 8 am."
"Again, it's different at night because, if they don't put on their pajamas, all that happens is you have a little less time to Netflix. It's also easier to get their pajamas on because they WANT you to read them a book, whereas they DON'T want to go to daycare, school, etc..."
"By you getting kid duty at the less time-pressured part of the day, you are getting the better end of the deal. You also work from home, so you don't have to contend with the uncertainty of the commute to keep your job."
"By the same token, if she has an hour commute in each direction, while you work from home, and you each do 8.5 hrs of paid work each day, then your total work day is 8.5 hours whereas hers is 10.5 hours."
"So, if you are being very precise about who spends how much time taking care of kids, then you are also being a bit sneaky to exclude her long commute from the calculation."
"Also, how hard is it to make yourself some toast or cereal in the five minutes before you saunter over to your computer and log in to work?" ~ Reasonable-Sale8611
"From the sound of it, she's not helping because SHE'S NOT EVEN HOME."
"It also sounds like the nighttime routine is easier and less chaotic than the morning routine."
"So, what you see as her being unreasonable with not making breakfast is her trying to make a chaotic morning just a little easier."
"It's clear she doesn't think the division of labor is equal and that she got the harder end of it. And that may be true as it's not uncommon for mornings to suck or for one time of day to be more difficult than the other."
You say she keeps telling you nothing's wrong when you ask. But has she really never told you? Because it sounds like she's saying nothing because she's given up and knows there's no point."
"YTA. Grow up. It's clear she's stressed and overwhelmed in the morning and could use some help."
"Get over what you 'agreed to'. It's not a pissing contest for f*ck's sake. You're supposed to love her, so act like it and help in the morning."
Also, you don't do it all if she comes home and reads to them. She spends time with them then as well. You just have to do everything when she's not there."
"You don't get a prize for that. It's called parenting." ~ Disastrous-Nail-640
OP may have gone to Reddit for validation, but instead, he got an attitude check.
Hopefully, he will use some of the feedback he received.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp