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Father Of Two Refuses To Make Wife Dinner After She Keeps Neglecting To Make Him Breakfast

family eating breakfast
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Keeping score and insisting every act must have an exact counteract in a relationship isn’t likely to lead to long-term happiness.

A husband turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after he decided the balance of effort with his wife was unfair.

Striking-Jaguar3348 asked:

“AITA for refusing to make my wife dinner since she will not make me breakfast?”

The original poster (OP) explained:

“My wife and I have two kids that are both in daycare. My wife will take the morning shift, which includes getting the kids up, getting breakfast and to the daycare.”

“I handle the night shift which is getting the kids from daycare, doing dinner and starting to get them ready for bed. Usually, she gets home around 6:30-7, and the whole family has like 30 minutes together before the kids’ bedtime.”

“We usually spend it reading to them. She has to travel an hour+ ( depends on traffic) to work each way.”

“So the kids are getting at daycare at 8 in the morning and I will pick them up around 4. I work from home and start around 7 and end around 3-3:30.”

“The issue is around breakfast.”

“We agreed that I would make dinner each night and she does breakfast. She already makes food for the kids so it’s literally just making an extra one of what she is already making.”

“Sometimes it’s just toast, other days it’s eggs or oatmeal. We have breakfast sandwiches or Eggo waffles.”

“For the past month, she will either not make it at all for me or not tell me that it is done. I have asked her to just give a general time, but she keeps switching up the schedule.”

“One day, they are eating at 7 in the morning and then getting dressed. Other days, she is giving them toast before getting into the car.”

“I have talked to her multiple times and explained that it is not considerate. We got into an argument, and she told me I am home, so just make my own food.”

“I explained I may be home, but I am doing my job.”

“Yesterday she didn’t make me anything and I had enough. She came home and I didn’t make her anything for dinner.”

“When asked I told her she is home and can make her own food.”

“This started a huge argument, and she called me a jerk.”

“I am so sick of it. I am. I don’t see why I have to make her food when she clearly doesn’t give a sh*t about my food.”

“I have them more than her and she wanted the morning shift. When I had it I always made her food.”

“I do all the night stuff, just me. She comes home to the kids, who are all ready for bed with their clothes for the next morning ironed, and then we sit and read to them.”

“Not to mention, I am the one who cleans the kitchen. I have to do it every single day before I make dinner. She leaves it for me.”

After getting negative feedback, the OP edited their original post to add:

“I have the kids more than her. She has them for an hour in the morning, and I have them for 2-3 every night.”

“Also, everyone is saying I don’t know the stress of the morning shift. I have literally done it for two years. She is the one who wanted the morning shift because of her schedule.”

“For everyone saying, ‘Have you asked her what is wrong?’ Yes, but she doesn’t give an answer. So I need an outside opinion on this.’

The OP summed up their situation.

“I’m refusing to make my wife dinner since she will not make me breakfast. I could be a jerk since I was petty by not making her dinner.”

Redditors weighed in by declaring:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors decided the OP was the a**hole (YTA).

“Why are you ironing the kids’ daycare clothes? Are they fancy clothes?”

“I don’t iron my kid’s day-to-day clothes, and they never look wrinkly. I mean, I’d get it if it’s a formal uniform or something, but most kids attend daycare in play clothes.” ~ Loud-Foundation4567

“He’s not ironing their clothes. He just wants to sound like a martyr.” ~ tesyaa

“How much of a mess can she make in the kitchen just making toast, oatmeal, or cooking eggs?”

“I’m kind of stuck on the fact that you’re ironing clothes for daycare.” ~ jmd709

“You’re mad she doesn’t do as much as you when she literally can’t because she drives 2 hours every day just to work. Do you truly think she wouldn’t want to help more if she wasn’t worn out from her daily commute + whatever mental drain her work causes?”

“I see you’ve asked, and she says nothing. When do you ask? When she’s worn out from work?”

“When she’s trying to decompress, and your attitude makes her shut down more? This is all about you, but I don’t see your empathy towards your wife’s feelings. YTA.”

“If she just can’t make breakfast for that day for whatever reason, then as a GOOD partner, he needs to accept it and figure out how to help so it’s not an issue.”

“He stays at home. When the kids go to school, he can eat while they’re gone.”

“She literally goes to work where she is on someone else’s schedule. If she’s running late, logically, it makes sense not to waste time making breakfast for someone who is home ALL DAY.”

“He wants to play tit for tat and act like it’s a logical, adult response. It’s not.”

“Like I said, that response makes him an a**hole because he’s intentionally leaving her out in order to get back at her instead of figuring out how to make his family schedule work better for EVERYONE.” ~ lalocurabella

“She was making him breakfast until this month, but just not when/how he wanted it. I would stop too if I had hectic mornings of getting kids to daycare/school and had to deal with that.” ~ naivemetaphysics

“YOU HAVE 0 COMMUTE. I don’t get why you need everything to be ‘even’ when she has to spend an extra 2 hours a day to work.”

“You’re trying to make everything 50/50 when relationships aren’t always like that. Sometimes you just need to help more and you sound unwilling to.” ~ nice52

“She’s on a time crunch in the morning. You’re not. She and the children have to be at a certain place at a certain time each morning. You don’t.”

“Your wife spends hours commuting each day. You don’t. You’ve got the easiest part of the deal. You get more time with the children.”

“But you’re being petty instead of acknowledging that.” ~ Bethsmom05

“YTA. I think the problem here is that in the morning there is a deadline. She has to get to work on time and with an hour commute there is some variability due to traffic. So her priority in the morning will be speed.”

“At night, it’s different, because you won’t get fired if you don’t get the kids to bed on time. There’s just less pressure there. Of course we all want the kids in bed early but it’s not the same level of pressure as needing to keep one’s job.”

“The other factor is that you are thinking of the kids as consistent units of work. That’s not the case. Kids in the morning can be very chaotic to manage.”

“They don’t really want to go to daycare or school, so they misbehave. So you can’t just say, ‘Wake up at 7, make breakfast at 7:25, leave the house by 8 am’ because the children don’t agree.”

“One day, you give them breakfast at 7:25, and you leave by 8 am. Another day, you give them breakfast at 7:25 and you are still chasing them around the house trying to make them sit still and put their shoes on at 8 am.”

“Again, it’s different at night because, if they don’t put on their pajamas, all that happens is you have a little less time to Netflix. It’s also easier to get their pajamas on because they WANT you to read them a book, whereas they DON’T want to go to daycare, school, etc…”

“By you getting kid duty at the less time-pressured part of the day, you are getting the better end of the deal. You also work from home, so you don’t have to contend with the uncertainty of the commute to keep your job.”

“By the same token, if she has an hour commute in each direction, while you work from home, and you each do 8.5 hrs of paid work each day, then your total work day is 8.5 hours whereas hers is 10.5 hours.”

“So, if you are being very precise about who spends how much time taking care of kids, then you are also being a bit sneaky to exclude her long commute from the calculation.”

“Also, how hard is it to make yourself some toast or cereal in the five minutes before you saunter over to your computer and log in to work?” ~ Reasonable-Sale8611

“From the sound of it, she’s not helping because SHE’S NOT EVEN HOME.”

“It also sounds like the nighttime routine is easier and less chaotic than the morning routine.”

“So, what you see as her being unreasonable with not making breakfast is her trying to make a chaotic morning just a little easier.”

“It’s clear she doesn’t think the division of labor is equal and that she got the harder end of it. And that may be true as it’s not uncommon for mornings to suck or for one time of day to be more difficult than the other.”

You say she keeps telling you nothing’s wrong when you ask. But has she really never told you? Because it sounds like she’s saying nothing because she’s given up and knows there’s no point.”

“YTA. Grow up. It’s clear she’s stressed and overwhelmed in the morning and could use some help.”

“Get over what you ‘agreed to’. It’s not a pissing contest for f*ck’s sake. You’re supposed to love her, so act like it and help in the morning.”

Also, you don’t do it all if she comes home and reads to them. She spends time with them then as well. You just have to do everything when she’s not there.”

“You don’t get a prize for that. It’s called parenting.” ~ Disastrous-Nail-640

OP may have gone to Reddit for validation, but instead, he got an attitude check.

Hopefully, he will use some of the feedback he received.

Written by Amelia Mavis Christnot

Amelia Christnot is an Oglala Lakota, Kanien'kehá:ka Haudenosaunee and Metís Navy brat who settled in the wilds of Northern Maine. A member of the Indigenous Journalists Association, she considers herself another proud Maineiac.