When making a gesture for a close friend or family member, one always hopes it will be appreciated.
So if this gesture is met with a less-than-rapturous response, it’s not unreasonable to be somewhat disappointed.
Particularly if you put a considerable amount of effort into this gesture.
Redditor Lolfapio enjoyed cooking for his wife.
The original poster (OP) also enjoyed making her a rather complex speciality.
Unfortunately, the OP’s wife seemed to appreciate his efforts less and less with the passage of time.
Wondering if it would be wrong if he stopped providing his wife this service, the OP took to the subReddit “Would I Be The A**hole” (WIBTA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“WIBTA if I cut off my wife’s mocktails?”
The OP explained why he didn’t feel inclined to continue providing his wife one specific service:
“I’ve always enjoyed cooking.”
“My wife, coincidentally doesn’t, so I usually prepare our meals from scratch.”
“This has also applied to our beverages, alcoholic at first, and mocktails once our kid was born.”
“I don’t really miss the alcohol so much as the fruity, creative drinks that can be made at home, so mocktails when we’re alone, and normal drinks for me when people come over, and a mocktail for my wife.”
“Thing is, she has started to drink less and less.”
“Which is totally fine, but she still insists on me making mocktails (full of expensive syrups and herbs, dried fruit and what not) for her that go almost completely untouched once it hits the table. This has been going on for more than a year, and it bums me out that I’m essentially throwing expensive stuff directly to the sink.”
“Which I pay for, or make.”
“She keeps insisting on having mocktails, and when confronted about it, says ‘I’m a slow drinker, you know this about me’ and shrugs it off, saying she’s not obligated to finish her drinks.”
“She’s asking me to brew ginger beer from scratch, dry green apples, buy edelweiss or amaretto syrups, and once the mocktail is served, hours go by and it goes warm and turns into a mush.”
“I am contemplating stopping serving her altogether, or making her buy the expensive stuff, but it seems like an asshole move.”
“Is it?”
“I’d say we host people onceor twice a month, but she also asks for mocktails when we’re alone, maybe 2 times a week.”
“Mocktails don’t have alcohol, I’m not trying to make her an alcoholic.”
“This is not about me controlling her, I just equate feeling appreciated for the work with consuming the product of said work.”
“Just replace the word “mocktail’ with ‘dinner’ if it helps.”
“WIBTA if I cut off my wife?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was fairly divided as to whether or not they felt the OP would be the a**hole if he stopped making his wife mocktails.
Some felt that there were no a**holes in this case, feeling the OP was justified in his efforts going relatively unnoticed, but his wife was under no obligation to finish the mocktails if she wasn’t up to it, feeling there was a middle ground the two of them could likely reach:
“NAH.”
“She’s not obligated to finish them, and you’re not obligated to make them.”
“I would say if you can find a happy medium of batch making her something special, and let her know that’ll be the drink for the next two weeks or whatever, that would be sweet.”
“I would also look into getting some tiny glasses, so you don’t have the visual irritation of seeing a big glass go untouched.”
“It’s a very valid concern to not want to waste your time, ingredients and effort on something that isn’t going to be consumed.”
“You could make this about a larger effort to reduce waste in the kitchen, which is a smart move, regardless.”
“Also, she’s more than welcome to make her own ginger beer or fancy mocktails.”
“If it’s something that you would enjoy, attend a class together, go out and buy ingredients together, etc.”
“Maybe she could be the one to start taking over drinks since you’re making food.”
“I think there is some underlying entitlement occurring here that is probably worth addressing in and of itself.”
“You are giving a gift of your labor to create delicious food and drinks, all that you’re asking is that they are actually consumed and appreciated.”
“It’s up to you, but if I were in your shoes I would approach it from that avenue.”
“That way you guys can problem solve together.”
“I’m sure she also wants to be appreciated and seen for the efforts that she does for your lives, and you deserve the same.”- thoracicbunk
“NAH, but you should stop looking at it like a transaction.”
“This is not the hill to die on, imo.”
“Those ingredients and your time would be used whether she finishes her drink or not.”
“You making her the drink makes her feel loved and that’s the important part.”
“If the wasted ingredients are actually causing financial issues, then you have bigger spending problems than cocktail ingredients.”- Kind-Active-6876
“I don’t know if you’re quite at asshole level, but is this really the hill you want to die on?”
“This is something your wife enjoys and a way for you to spend time together over drinks and unwind.”
“Does it really matter that much whether she drinks the whole thing?”
“Do you also police what proportion of a drink your other guests consume or is this just for your wife?”
“Pour her a smaller serving.”
“Save whatever she doesn’t drink to serve the next night.”
“Share one drink with her or drink the rest of hers yourself.”
“OR just give her a drink and let her do what she wants with it, who cares?”
“Life is too short and there are real problems out there.”
“NAH for now but YWBTA if you cause a blowup over something so trivial.”- ConflictGullible392
While others completely understood the OP’s frustrations, feeling he was more than justified in wanting to stop:
“NTA if this is a nightly request between just you.”
“In a group, who cares if she drinks the drinks or not, offering one is a common courtesy at small cost and time to you.”
“It would be weird to explicitly not make her one and call her out on it in a group.”
“You gotta just let that one go.”- Gullinkambi
“NTA to stop participating in wasteful and demaning dynamics.”
“I would either stop doing this optional thing that frustrates you or freeze a few batches of her favorite blends and add fizzing ingredients when serving.”- perderla
Others, however, openly shared that they would have trouble sympathizing with the OP if he cut off his wife, feeling he would be depriving her of a gesture that clearly meant a lot to her:
“Yes.”
“You WBTA.”
“This was never about the beverage.”
“This is about attention given and thoughtful gestures.”
“’Cutting her off’ is the reverse.”- Solitary-Dolphin
“YTA.”
“Seems like you could talk this out with her instead of jumping from A to Z.”- grizzyGR
“Thing is, your wife identified something she enjoys and because she’s not getting drunk it’s bothering you.”
“YTA.”- CoyoteCarp
“YWBTA.”
“Just let her enjoy her drink the way she wants to.”
“It’s not that big of a deal.”- Lucifig
While some had trouble sympathizing with either the OP or his husband, feeling both of them were resisting finding a solution to this problem that would please both of them:
“ESH I think your post is a little misleading as in the comments you clarify that this issue is only during social gatherings where you are making drinks( alcoholic and mocktails alike) for everyone and want to now exclude her from that.”
“I understand why but also can see it from her perspective of wanting to be included in that part of the party.”
“It’d be rude to exclude her on purpose, but maybe when making a mocktail for another friend, make a little extra and give her a small portion so she’ll finish it!”
“I’m also a slow drink sipper; even when I’m paying for a drink, it’ll take me hours; my friends, on the other hand, gulp down a coffee before they’ve left the shop’s parking lot; people are different!”
“There seems to be lots of compromises here, you could have an entire party where you teach all your friends(including your wife) how to make some of the drinks, and she can see the work it takes and get some practice making her own!”- AnxietyIsABtch
The OP is clearly going to great lengths to please his wife with these drinks.
Making his disappointment at her lack of enthusiasm somewhat understandable.
But cutting her off completely, without warning, likely will not go over well.
Instead, maybe portion control is the answer.