Cleaning the house can be a difficult chore.
There are just some things nobody wants to clean up.
This can be a bone of contention for couples.
Most of the time, the cleaning can fall harder on one particular partner.
Redditor Green_Contact7989 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for asking my husband to stop peeing in the shower unless he is going to be the one to clean it?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I've never had a problem keeping my shower clean in my life until I began living with my husband."
"I always cleaned the shower regularly (1x week) and almost never had to go out of my way to clean the decorative shower curtain other than spring cleaning time."
"Now that pink bacteria scum loves to live on the base of the shower and even our decorative (outer) shower curtain."
"I am the one who does all of the laundry and 90% of the household cleaning, and I have asked my husband to stop peeing in the shower because I think it is part of what causes the build-up."
"We also have a stall shower with a curtain, so I know it's likely spraying outside of the shower."
"I don't think I'd care as much if it was in our shower/tub combo."
"To be clear, I do not think anything is inherently wrong with peeing in the shower."
"I've just asked my husband politely several times now not to do it unless he wants to be the one to clean up all the pink scum."
"He gets really defensive every time."
"I just thought it was a really simple request that would make a difference to me, so why is it such a big deal?"
"So that's it."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for gatekeeping the shower peeing experience from my husband in our stall shower?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"I use a name-brand bleach spray cleaner directly on the shower curtain liner."
"Within minutes, the pink has totally disappeared." ~ kitchengardengal
"The pink mold in your shower is caused by minerals in the water and feeds off of your soap and hygiene products."
"It's not caused by urine."
"Eliminate it with baking soda and vinegar."
"Facts are important. NAH." ~ Miserable_Dentist_70
"This, and to add, the pink bacteria is also caused by airborne bacteria, so technically it could be caused by something as simple as the poo particles in the air after flushing the toilet (whether the toilet is closed or not) and not specifically linked to urinating in the shower."
"Also NAH." ~ IfIHad19946
"Bleach will kill mold, but in doing so can cause it to spore out, which can then spread it further (and lead to inhalation)."
"Best practice for mold cleaning is to wipe down first (using separate microfibre cloth with simple detergent) and then wipe or spray on a salt-based solution like consortium or borax."
"Leave to sit for a while then wipe away."
"Bleach will whiten an area, making it look clean, but doesn't actually do a great job at stopping it overall." ~ Extraverb
"I was thinking maybe the simple act of two people showering and creating more humidity through the day might be enough to increase bacteria built up, so perhaps that's why it became a problem only once they started living together." ~ RandomStrangerN2
"I was about to say the same thing."
"Even if the dude stops peeing in the shower, it's pretty likely that it will need to be cleaned more often just due to the increased use (more humidity and soap build-up, etc)."
"I think OP is having the wrong conversation to be honest."
"If he has just moved in, he also needs to be contributing equally to the household chores considering the workload is now for two people instead of one." ~ the_artful_breeder
"NAH- most people pee in the shower."
"Not a big deal."
"The mold isn't necessarily caused by the pee."
"You do the majority of the cleaning and the least he could do is make you happy by doing this one thing."
"If the mold persists, you know it's not the pee, and he can return to peeing in the shower."
"However, I would be prepared for him to pee in the sink."
"For some reason, that seems to be a common alternative here on Reddit."
"Also, I really hope he pitches in his fair share in other ways since you're doing all the cleaning." ~ BluePopple
"It's absolutely 100% not caused by pee."
"If he has mold in his pee, there is way more to worry about than the shower." ~ Mundane-Currency5088
"Do most people actually pee in the shower?"
"I have never once done this or thought of it as an option, and the only person I've known who admitted to doing this was my friend's terrible abusive ex (not to say people who pee in the shower are abusive, but perhaps his general crassness is related to why he thought it was an ok thing to bring up in polite society)."
"It's so easy to just pee in the toilet before or after."
"That being said, I highly doubt it's causing the mold."
"Why would anyone ever pee in a sink??" ~ hackberrypie
"Wait. Why do you do 90% of the cleaning?"
"Is he a quadriplegic?"
"He should be able to clean the shower even if he pees or doesn't pee in it."
"You are not the maid." ~ RudeWish11
"It's not the pee causing the pink slime."
"It's mildew from bacteria and mold."
"Urine is mostly sterile and does not contain bacteria or mold unless you have a raging urinary tract infection."
"There's nothing wrong with peeing in the shower, it's conserving water, and it goes to the same f**king place."
"It's highly unlikely he's peeing on the shower curtain and causing this, he's likely peeing straight down."
"Edit: from a 40F daily shower pee-er."
"It's also likely that it's because the shower never gets a chance to dry out with multiple people using it rather than just yourself." ~ RichInternational838
"NTA. The peeing in the shower isn't the issue here (and it won't be the cause of the grime in the shower)."
"The issue is the fact that you are doing almost all of the cleaning and that he is getting defensive about a simple request to do a minimal amount of cleaning up after himself." ~ LibelleFairy
"NAH. Your husband's urine is not causing the pink buildup in your shower."
"Regardless, he should split the cleaning duties with you including cleaning the bathroom." ~ Used_Mark_7911
"NTA. Since you're the person performing the majority of the household labor you should be able to set reasonable boundaries about what you consider acceptable use of the areas you clean." ~ Moemito
"Peeing in the shower doesn't cause the pink buildup."
"If that was the case, I'd have to be peeing in my bathroom sink, kitchen sink, and humidifier."
"That said, it would be nice if he cleaned the shower, too." ~ WatercoLorCurtain
"NTA. The number of people here acting like peeing in the shower is normal is absolutely horrifying."
"I'm a guy. "
"I have never once even wanted to pee in the shower, let alone actually done so."
"Y'all are disgusting." ~ KieselguhrKid13
"You're not an AH but maybe a tiny bit for coming up with your own conclusions instead of just googling 'shower curtain pink mold.'"
"A very quick search would tell you what causes it and how to remedy it, and you could have simply joked that it was his fault because it started around the time he moved in and it could've been a cute bit between you two."
"You had no concrete evidence whatsoever and simply chose to blame your husband."
"Strange behavior. Do your research first next time and you can avoid issues like this."
"Timing doesn't equal fault."
"Correlation, not causation."
"Also maybe revisit the division of household labor."
"Maybe I'm reading between the lines too much but you don't sound super stoked about your current agreement (and who would blame you?)" ~ Former-Finish4653
"NTA. Peeing in the shower is gross, it splashes everywhere."
"I dye my hair and can see where the water goes in my shower, it doesn't all wash down perfectly unless you make an effort."
"No judgment if you pee in the shower, but you have to be the one to clean it." ~ SlowMope
"NAH. The pee isn't causing it."
"There's already a pool of water across the entire floor when that stream hits the drain, any pee that splashes up and towards the curtain is... being pelted by about 500x the amount of water to send it down the drain." ~ WasteNet2532
"NTA. You have to be an AH to pee in the shower."
"It's where we go to get clean, he shouldn't treat it like a toilet."
"Have him pee before getting in the shower like an adult."
"Peeing in the shower is literally a toddler behavior that he never grew out of." ~ Calm_Psychology5879
"NTA. He should be cleaning the shower if he wants to pee in it."
"But pink scum from peeing in the shower? "
"I don't get it." ~ Kris82868
"NTA. Peeing in the shower is gross, whether it causes pink mold or not."
"Why should you be forced to stand in your husband's urinal to take a shower?"
"Contrary to what another poster says, 'most people' do NOT pee in their shower." ~ huggie1
"NTA. He needs to either stop peeing in the shower or clean the shower because he is making it extra dirty."
"The same goes for guys who miss the toilet and pee on the floor regularly."
"His pee goes outside a toilet, he cleans it." ~ Unreasonable-Skirt
"NTA. He's a grown man, he can help clean." ~ L00king4AMindAtWork
OP came back with an Update...
"Thanks to everyone who has chimed in!"
"My husband and I have had the best time going through this thread 😂 Reddit never ceases to amaze me."
"My husband says that he would rather stop peeing in the shower than be the one to clean it."
"So take that for what it is worth."
"If nothing else, he is going to stop so that we can see if it contributes to the film— although we both know now that it is probably just poor ventilation or our hygiene products."
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
It's nice to hear that you and your husband can get a laugh out of this situation.
Hopefully, the "experiment" will give you a definite answer.
Happy showering.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp