As much as we might love someone, sometimes we don’t know the people around us as well as we thought we did.
But at least if we marry them under false pretenses, there’s such a thing as an annulment, pointed out the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Living-Resident-5757 had recently married her husband and thought he was wonderful and that they could build a wonderful life together.
But when she became suspicious and checked his phone, only to uncover several videos he’d secretly recorded of his female coworkers, the Original Poster (OP) was disgusted and pondered whether they should stay together.
She asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting for wanting a divorce over the videos I found?”
The OP felt that her marriage was amazing until recently.
“I (25 Female) just got married to my partner of six years (28 Male) last month, and I am regretting it.”
“I love him deeply, always have. He’s my best friend, we have a home together, our wedding was beautiful, and I truly have so much fun with him on a daily basis.”
“However, he’s had a long history of having a wandering eye both in person and on social media, along with a porn addiction that I thought he had already overcome.”
“This caused a lot of trust issues within our relationship. I would have constant panic and anxiety attacks, and I would ask to check his phone to see if he was hiding anything (most of the time, he was).”
“Every time he ‘messes up,’ he promises it won’t happen again, but it does.”
“Since our engagement last year, things were looking pretty good between the both of us, we rarely fought, he was honest, loving, and patient with me every day.”
“Our communication was better than ever before. I felt very secure and trusting that he was truly changing his bad habits.”
But then the OP’s suspicions got the best of her.
“Well, a few days ago, I don’t know what came over me, but I decided to check his phone. I’m not proud of this. I can’t even remember the last time I’ve done this.”
“I didn’t find much at first, just texts with his mom that were uncomfortable (I don’t have the best relationship with her), and I found that he was still in contact with a girl that he told me he would no longer speak to.”
“This didn’t bother me as much as the video I found. At first, I couldn’t understand what I was looking at exactly, until I rewatched over and over and found another video just like it.”
“He had been recording his coworker’s backside and sending it to his two friends from work (one who is also married), talking about how she’s not pretty but has a nice a**.”
“I had never in our six years together seen him do this. I’ve seen him like or comment on models and celebrities, girls who he’d never met. I forgave him for that. But there was something about him doing this to a girl he sees every day, without her consent, that made me extremely sick to my stomach.”
“What I felt was worse was the dates on the videos. One was eight days before our wedding, a time I felt we were closer than ever, excited for our future. This broke me.”
The OP’s husband made the same old promises, but the OP wasn’t so sure anymore.
“I confronted him about it. He apologized immediately and said he was disgusted with himself, but he also kept insisting ‘it wasn’t physical’ and ‘I would never do anything more than that.'”
“I just can’t believe him, though. I am angry that our marriage is starting this way. I also blame myself for being so trusting and thinking everything was okay, that he had changed.”
“I don’t know if I can forgive him. I feel like I also can’t talk about it with anyone else.”
“Everyone around us is still talking about our wedding and are happy for us.”
“I can’t even look at him without feeling so much anger. I don’t know what to do. I want to divorce him, but it hasn’t even been a month into our marriage. I feel so stupid and embarrassed.”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that she was NOR, questioning if this was really someone she’d want to be married to forever.
“He objectifies women. He’s immature. He lacks boundaries. He doesn’t respect you.”
“Is this who you want to be married to for the rest of your life?”
“If you really can’t part ways and want to work on it, he needs to commit to therapy. I only say that on the off chance you don’t feel ready. See what comes of this path if you must, but no one would blame you for putting your self-respect first.” – Better-Park8752
“Plus, ‘I would never do more than that’?????? As if the point is that he was simply lusting over another woman and not taking creep shots of her. My god. A scumbag.”
“Like, ‘Don’t worry, babe, I’m not actually going to cheat with these women; I just want to turn my homies on with their bodies without their knowledge or consent.’ YYUUUUUCK!” – LettuceSavings3248
“My god, a man who’d take secret pervy photos of a coworker and share with friends has zero character, integrity, morality. To work with such a person, to be friends with him, to be married to him.”
“How awful, the risk of contagion is real. He may very well be a sociopath. OP or one of his friends should turn the photos over to his company’s HR department before he does something worse.”
“Voyeurism is dangerous. If it escalates, it can lead to violence as the underlying root is a lack of consent.” – Priestcreek
“He isn’t going to fix his behavior. He doesn’t respect women, you included. He will just make it harder to catch him.”
“At some point, he will lose his job or get arrested. Get out now. Don’t be embarrassed, this isn’t your fault. No woman I know would want you to stay.”
“Choose yourself.” – PopJust7059
“Annulment… You are settling. Raise your standards on how you should be treated. He is acting like a frat boy, not a married man. Good luck, darlin’.” – Bookmomma2
Others encouraged the OP to take care of herself and seek out therapy.
“Start therapy for yourself. Reddit is not the place for all the answers to come. You will get clarity once you look within. If he wants to work on himself that has to come from him, and he must be very motivated to turn this around, as it’s a very serious issue.” – Better-Park8752
“I did therapy in my first marriage (almost entirely on my own) for years, and it took being put in a group of women I didn’t know who listened to what my then-husband was doing and hearing them say, ‘H**l no, get out,’ to understand I needed to leave.”
“We can make excuses alone in therapy or blame our past and feel we need to accept or change, but sometimes it takes a bunch of strangers saying this is not okay to see it for what it is. I’m so glad I had that experience and left. In hindsight, I can see how abusive it was.” – trashhighway
“Boys will be boys is bulls**t that our mothers and grandmothers had to suck it up over because they had very little choice. Other than to stay married, you don’t have to buy into that false premise anymore. It took me a while to wrap my head around this myself.”
“You can choose to live your remaining life with a fully adulting male authentic partner (who would be appalled if anybody ever described anything he did as ‘boys will be boys’) because you deserve it, and you don’t have to earn it!”
“If you stay, that will be his mental gymnastics conclusion that it is OK to consider and consume women that way, because you are OK with it.” – BigExplanationmayB
“The right therapist will help her uncover why she’s with him and how to put her needs first. Sometimes it takes trying a few therapists to find the right one. I’m glad you finally found the support you needed, but please know our single experiences are not the same for everyone.”
“I have no opinion as to whether OP should stay or leave- she needs to develop the tools and insight to come to make her own decision. These are valuable skills that will pave the way for her future.” – Better-Park8752
“Honestly, I’m glad you posted here, at least for a temperature test, because I have found a lot of clarity on Reddit just reading comments. I was in an extremely toxic decades-long relationship that had spiraled when he became an addict. I got out a few years ago, and there are still times I’ll read something on Reddit and feel triggered and realize, ‘He used to do exactly that!'”
“The clarity helps me heal and helps me learn what to look out for and no longer accept.”
“Thankfully, I’m with the sweetest, most compassionate man now, and he listens when I come and tell him, ‘I read this on Reddit and realized that’s what he used to do!” He helps me heal, my therapist helps me heal, and my friends, but so does Reddit.”
“I like to think, and hope, that the comments I leave may help someone out there someday gain some clarity, insight, or hope, not just the OPs but anyone who may be reading or come across it someday.”
“I’m not saying Reddit over therapy, by any means! It’s not the place to get all your answers, certainly, and it can, at times, be a cesspool. But Reddit, and other online spaces, shouldn’t be completely disregarded when you’re stuck and need advice from a completely removed third-party.” – skatoolaki
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in the comments.
“Okay, here’s an update. First of all, thank you for your advice and helpful words. I can’t really rely on telling anyone in my life right now because of how messed up this situation is, so strangers on the internet giving me advice and telling me I’m not overreacting is helpful.”
“For the comments blaming me and calling me dumb, I know what I’ve done, and I know I’m part to blame for allowing it to get to this point. Maybe I am stupid or just really want this to work. I’m not excusing myself, but I grew up in a broken family and was homeless for most of my teenage years, and he got me through all of it. So yeah, this is definitely a trauma bond.”
“I think my hesitation is not only the embarrassment but also the responses I’ve gotten (from friends) about past things he’s done. It’s always ‘boys will be boys,’ ‘that’s locker room talk,’ or ‘at least he’s not physically cheating.’ I think that’s why I always kept forgiving the social media issues and the porn stuff.”
“I realize I programmed myself into thinking it’s normal guy behavior. Recording someone like that is beyond disgusting, and I find it extremely hard right now to envision a future where I could forgive him.”
The OP was beginning to take next steps.
“I have copies of both videos. He deleted them from his phone, and I confirmed any and all copies are gone, except mine. I looked into our state laws, and he would definitely be fired, and this would be considered a state jail felony if prosecuted.”
“We’ve had a lot of discussions about the situation, mostly me yelling. We are still living in the same house but in separate rooms since I have nowhere else to go.”
“He is already booking an appointment with a therapist and registering for sex addiction treatment. I hate that this didn’t happen sooner, but I’m glad he’s trying to get help.”
“As for our marriage, I decided to contact a local attorney to see if this qualifies for annulment and what other options I have, if there’s anyway this is fixable. I will be telling them about the videos so I can have better legal guidance.”
“My financial situation is a bit dire, and I’m not sure if I can afford this lawyer, so that’s worrisome, but I’m willing to do whatever it takes.”
The subReddit was disgusted on the OP’s behalf and hoped that she would move forward by choosing better for herself. Even if her husband received therapy and worked on himself, the fact that he’d always promised to do better and eventually went back to gross behavior didn’t bode well for their marriage.
If the OP was really against what he was doing, and did not want to potentially get in trouble by association when he inevitably got caught recording someone, it was best for the OP to get a fresh start.