Some people are able to jump out of bed every morning, refreshed and ready for the day.
Other people, not so much.
A husband whose wife is definitely not a morning person turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Blackcoffeeblonde asked:
"AITA for refusing to wake my wife up in the morning?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My wife (37, female) and I (38, male) have 3 young kids including a 6-month-old baby who still sleeps in our room."
"I'm an early bird. I routinely get up at ~5:30am to enjoy a few silent moments of sanity and get some sh*t done before the kids take over."
"My wife is a night owl and *hates* waking up. As a kid growing up, her family nicknamed her 'The Lion' on account of her morning temperament and blonde bedhead."
"They would draw straws and the loser would have to get her up in the morning. This topic made it into wedding speeches and continues to be a running joke to this day."
"That said, she comes by this honestly these days. We're chronically sleep deprived because—kids."
"She's on maternity leave and is up 1-2x in the night nursing, while I'm blissfully passed out beside her, so I don't blame her for pushing her wake-up times."
"I also don't blame her for staying up later, as once the kids go down around 7:30pm, then we put the house back together, then we get stuck to the couch recovering from the day, and *then* she might get an hour to watch TV before we do it all over again."
"Here's the issue: she always asks that I: 1) wake her up in the morning and 2) ensure she's awake ~10min later."
"This has frustrated me from the start. I suggested she use a silent/vibrating phone alarm or her Apple Watch if she's concerned about waking the baby, but apparently those aren't good enough."
"For what it's worth, I wear my Garmin smartwatch *and* a cheap $20 dumb silent vibrating alarm wristband that could wake the dead."
"There's been a few times where I've agreed to wake her up at a certain time, but forgot & woke her up ~15min later. It usually doesn't cause any issues, but today I got her up at 7:20 am instead of the agreed-upon 7:00am as I lost track of time attending to my son who woke up early."
"It was a particularly difficult morning with cranky kids and she snapped about how it was just too late to get up with not enough time to get everyone ready. I reached my breaking point and snapped back that moving forward, I absolutely refuse to wake her up in the morning & that she's a big girl who can be responsible for herself."
"Since then, she's made a few snide comments about random little things 'apparently being too much to ask' and says I'm being unreasonable by refusing to get her up & and make sure she's actually awake after she inevitably falls back asleep."
"I told her if it's not that much to ask then it should be simple enough for her to do it herself."
"So, AITA?"
"I can understand infrequent critical moments like 'please make sure I'm awake so I don't miss my flight', but making me responsible for her daily wake-up times is absolutely unreasonable at best, even if kids and sleep deprivation are in the mix."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I might be the a-hole for: 1-Refusing to wake her up in the morning after agreeing to previously."
"2-It's a simple task, and I'm always up before her; plus, I am reneging on a previous agreement, and she'd have to spend money to come up with an independent solution."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was no a**holes here (NAH).
"Friend, right now she is doing all the heavy lifting of child-rearing on six months of broken sleep while you get a full night's sleep every night."
"She should be asking you to take half the night wakings, pumping so you can feed the baby while she gets more than three hours of unbroken sleep, but she hasn't."
"Literally the least you can do, out of appreciation for your full night's sleep, is help wake her up. An alarm would also wake the baby, and if the baby sleeps a little longer, that means she misses out on even more sleep."
"You are literally getting the better end of this deal, and asking you to wake her is so freaking small of an ask I'm a little shocked you consider it such a big deal."
"You get to sleep through the night. Just wake her on time, and be grateful she's not pumping and demanding you take half the night wakings." ~ LateBloomingADHD
"OP, have you considered the fact you may find it easier to get up in the morning because you get a full night's sleep every night while your wife does every single night's wake-up?" ~ personality5
"Setting an alarm for himself is no big deal, but then he forgets to wake her. Like... wasn't setting the alarm supposed to be easy?"
"Just set the alarm for her on your gadgets and wake her up. He is using different measures when looking at his actions and hers." ~ HarryThePelican
"Normally I'd say NAH. But…. Do the overnights with her! Just because she's breastfeeding doesn't mean she can't pump and store so YOU can also feed overnight."
"Split the nights so you BOTH get chunks of solid sleep. She can take the first one since she's a late-night person."
"Dude, you've chosen to have kids with this woman. You chose to make a life with her. Now figure out how to make it work!"
"You're here b*tching about not wanting to have to wake your wife up….. while she's doing all day AND all night with those kids you helped create and you brag about sleeping away next to her." ~ Jmfroggie
"I understand people making the pumping comments, but I need to point out that pumping is also considerable labor (but minus the baby cuddles). In a breastfeeding family, sharing the overall load doesn't necessarily help as it still adds another job onto the nursing mom."
"What was more helpful for me was my partner taking on tasks that I then didn't have to think about or be responsible at all for. In this case, that includes waking her up in the morning. NAH though, as early parenthood is tough!" ~ Zuzzy1
"I do agree that it should be an adult's responsibility to wake themselves up, but... 'We're chronically sleep deprived because—kids. She's on maternity leave and is up 1-2x in the night nursing while I'm blissfully passed out beside her, so I don't blame her for pushing her wakeup times'."
"So she's doing all the caring for the children all day every day while OP is at work, he gets home, does some parenting with her until the kids go down, then they both do some sorting of the house together and then she finally gets the only time to herself that she gets for the entire 24 hours in the day and OP just goes to sleep and sleeps through the night without doing any of the night feeds?"
"And then she can't use an alarm with sound because this would wake the baby. No wonder she has a much harder time than OP getting up in the morning."
"OP, it sounds like your wife hasn't slept through the night once since the baby was born and you've had many nights 'blissfully passed out beside her'. Maybe you could do all the morning duties so your wife could enjoy some more of that blissful sleep, and then she'll be a little less grumpy getting up?"
"I'm voting NAH, given the sleep deprivation and general stress of having a baby in the house." ~ haleorshine
The OP provided an update.
"Sincerely did not expect this much traction! I'm glad I posted to help gain the perspective. Thanks everyone for their constructive and not-so-constructive comments."
"Parents will understand: this is one slice—albeit a large one—out of the overall context of parenting. When baby was taking a bottle I was up several times nightly as well."
"I am also primarily on overnight 'soothe' duty when little dude wakes up before a feeding as I'm able to get him back to sleep when he's furious, whereas non-nursing-soothing fails for my wife because he goes straight for the boob."
"My wife hates pumping, and we've agreed upon splitting the night feedings as I take up the slack in other areas. Of our relationship issues, zero involve kid-raising."
"We regularly convey our appreciation for each other in being on the same page parenting-wise as much of our social and family circle is dealing with stereotypical uninvolved parent stuff."
"I also work from home and routinely rearrange my workday to parent. One kid is part-time at daycare, part-time home, so I've dipped out of meetings to help get him dressed to go outside, feed the kid lunch when she's putting the baby down, watch the furious toddler who won't get in the car when my wife goes to pick up our oldest from school, etc...."
"So the 'oh wow dad gets to work all day and doesn't lift a finger with the kids and now he won't even wake her up, typical man' responses are objectively wrong."
"Much of the derision in the 'you lazy f*ck blissfully sleeping, just get her a goddamn coffee, she carried your children' is a tiny bit misguided & just a little heavy on the judgment without knowing the full context of parenting duties.
"With that said, the more nuanced responses of 'nobody's exactly wrong here, but c'mon dude, parenting is hard, just wake her up and bring her a coffee, that's the nicest part of my day' have resonated."
"It is exceedingly obvious in the responses who has been a gracious parent & partner who has weathered the relationship struggles of maintaining a relationship while raising young kids, and who has not (saying this as a not-fully-gracious partner)."
"Regardless of sentiment expressed, thank you all for responding, I'm on my way up with a coffee right now... albeit 5 minutes late as I was responding to this. F*ck."
All's well that ends well, it seems.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp