Spouses don't always see eye to eye on everything.
Be it in their personalities, standards of cleanliness, taste in food and culture, there are bound to be certain things on which a married couple disagree.
In most cases, however, couples can happily coexist in spite of these differences.
That sadly wasn't the case for one particular Redditor, who found herself surprised when her husband criticized her appearance on a recent outing, even refusing to be seen with her looking the way she did.
Wondering if she was in the wrong to call her husband out for his behavior and choice of words, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA? I wore the wrong color lipstick."
The OP revealed that the unfortunate situation began under fairly happy circumstances.
"This happened a few weeks back."
"I (34 F[emale]) and my husband (35 M[ale]) were getting ready for one of our rare nights out."
"We don't go out often as we both have opposite schedules and mainly home bodies."
But the jovial mood quickly changed when the OP's husband noticed her choice of make-up.
"I decided to be adventurous and wear a purple color lipstick."
"I really liked the way it looked, and asked him eagerly how he liked it."
"He responded that he didn't like it... "
"And it made me look like I was part of the LGBTQ community."
"He made other comments, and my response was that it was a good thing he wasn't the one wearing the lipstick then."
In-spite of her husband's feelings, the OP did not remove her purple lipstick, which her husband had trouble tolerating.
"He then got upset that I would still wear it."
"His reasoning was that as his wife, I should want him to like what I look like."
"I told him his view was very misogynistic and I was still going to wear the lipstick color."
"He was very huffy about it but I stood my ground."
"So AITA or is he?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was definitely not the a**hole, and that her husband definitely was.
Fellow Redditors called out the OP's husband on his behavior, finding it misogynistic and homophobic, with some even encouraging the OP to re-evaluate how healthy her marriage is.
"NTA- purple is gay?"
"My fellow homosexuals never told me this at our annual LGBT agenda meetings."-witchlys.
"NTA."
"Purple is a great color lipstick, ditch his misogynistic and homophobic a**."- plasticutlery.
"NTA."
"Oh no."
"Sounds like that was a whole bunch of homophobic and misogynistic nonsense all at once."
"He just showed true colors there."
"You can absolutely wear whatever lipstick you want."
"It's your prerogative if you want to match his presences, and it is certainly a nice thing to do every once in a while but a one night excursion into fun lipstick colors should not be such an issue."
"Definitely some red flags here."
"What's so wrong with looking like a member of the LGBT community?"- d4nkgr1l.
"He's the AH and he's discriminating against a community of people over the color purple?!"
"Btw: Mac's Heroine is the most gorgeous shade of purple LGBTQ friendly."
"And he's misogynistic?! "
"You picked a winner, didn't ya?"-TisThee_Reason.
"Okay, wasn't expecting the casual homophobia."
"NTA...is this for real the type of person you married?"
"Yuck."- Zeboim7.
"NTA."
"Purple sounds like a fun color for a lipstick and he needs to pull his head out of his a**."
"NTA, he is definitely though."
"You wore lipstick."
"He was being homophonic about it."
"What the f*ck?"-cyaveronica.
"NTA."
"Your husband is a homophobe."-Alailea.
"NTA - and his comment makes him sound homophobic."-rpepperpot_reddit.
"NTA I was OK with him saying he didn't like it, you don't have to like everything your SO likes."
"The problem is the rest of what he said."
"He is a very narrow mind person and that's something to be aware of going forward."
"Continue to be adventurous."- poncanach.
Several were particularly offended by the fact that the husband seemed to think looking like a member of the LGBTQ community was a bad thing, while others were curious how purple lipstick seemed to automatically make someone LGBT.
"NTA."
"And what's wrong with looking like one of the LGBTQ community anyway?"-Imaginary-Hornet-397.
"NTA."
"What does a LGBTQ person look like?"
"Purple can signify royalty."
"If anything, he should say you look like you're part of the monarchy."
"And as his queen tell him to shut up."
"NTA - A color of lipstick does NOT indicate an LGBT, and your husband (and anyone who thinks that) are the ones being judgmental AHs."
"Anyone can wear ANY color of lipstick."
"Keep on rocking the purple!"
"I am LGBT and would NEVER tell someone they aren't allowed to wear a certain color if they aren't LGBT."
"This gatekeeping a color is ridiculous."-EvocativeEnigma.
"NTA I'm LGBTQI and didn't know this …"
"I'm sure we settled in silver/electric blue during that meeting."
"Oh well."
"Seriously though why do people feel the need to make certain things this or that it's a f*cking color."
"I remember someone asked my why I dye my hair "crazy" colors like pink, green, purple or blue when I cover my hair outside my home (religious reasons)."
"And I was like … because I like my hair a crazy color ..?"
"I mean I'm the one who has to put up with it 24/7."
"It's my hair my decision."-okapi-forest-unicorn.
"NTA."
"I was not aware that a color of lipstick could make you look LGBTQ so that's new."
"But honestly, you should wear lipstick you like and that makes you feel good."-GraveDancer40.
"NTA as an active member in the Rainbow Mafia community I didn't know purple was the next gay color."
"I thought we were still on reds and nudes."-BlaqueDaliah.
"I didn't know purple lipstick was a lesbian thing."
"God I suck at being gay."
"Obviously NTA."- grouchymonk1517.
"NTA."
"Purple is such a good color, but on its own, I have never seen it be a representative of the LGBTQIA+ community?"
"Did I miss that meeting?"
"Kinda weird that was the first thing that came to his mind though, maybe he just didn't like that color."- Ambermusaisanidiot.
Others encouraged the OP not to let her husband take control of how she chooses to dress or what make up she chooses to wear.
"NTA."
"Purple is a pretty common color nowadays too, and last I knew lipstick colors weren't tied to any particular sexuality or gender identity."
"Wear whatever you want, you don't exist solely to look good for your spouse."-CephalopodSpy.
"NTA....I'd be wearing purple lipstick every darn day if my partner said that to me."
"There would be purple lips painted on the mirror and walls."
"My kids would be wearing purple lipstick."
"The car would get purple lips."
"I would wall paper the house with purple lipstick smacks."
"He's your husband...that does not take away your autonomy."
"You're in charge of your body."- ManderBlues.
"NTA."
"You get to wear what you want."
"He doesn't get a say."- Luck1492.
"NTA, keep the lipstick, remove the husband."-photosbeersandteach.
"No, it doesn't."
"Would that be bad?"
"Would he love you less or be ashamed if you were bi?"
"He is not the boss of you."
"You are an independent person, you don't exist solely to serve his boner."
"You're allowed to draw human joy from having fun lips, geez!"
"NTA!"-Doctor-Liz.
"I skydived in bright purple M.A.C lipstick. (Didn't smear, 100% recommend.)"
"Tell your husband that unless he's wearing it, he has no opinion."- CharacterSuccotash5
"Good for you holding your ground OP."
"His comments were uncalled for."
"Do you get to say how he does his hair, what he wears, etc??"
"Probably not."
"You are not his property, wear whatever lipstick you want."
"NTA."-Same_Hurry8142.
"I wear make up to feel good about myself and if I think I look good then it's doing it's job and I feel confident and happy. "
"You asked his opinion and you got it, you decided you liked it despite his negative response."
"You don't wear lipstick to please your husband."
"NTA at all."-noyeahthanks.
"NTA, and given the 'as his wife, I should want him to like what I look like' comment, tell him where he can shove a tube of lipstick."
"If he keeps complaining, make sure you don't do anything that could get that lipstick on any part of him."-Sharkmato.
"NTA."
"Wear what makes you feel good."
"I have a dark purple lipstick that many people don't like."
"Don't care."
"It makes me feel good."
"Screw the haters."-formerflautist57.
"Besides the ridiculous comparison your husband made, I'm extremely concerned for you based on how your husband talks to you."
"NTA is he usually like this?"-readily_ready.
The possessive behavior of the OP's husband is rather concerning, particularly his hesitancy to be seen with someone who might be from the LGBTQ+ community.
Here's hoping the OP doesn't lose her spine, and won't let her husband define or determine her outward appearance.
Trans Man Considers Breaking Off Engagement After Fiancé Wants Him To Wear A Dress For Wedding
KimJane Photography/GettyImages
A lot of people often say, "Believe people when they tell you who they are the first time."
It's one of life's truest (and ignored) sayings.
Believe a person when they are drunk and spew words as well.
Often, a few drinks will help a person let loose on how they really feel.
And then take note.
Redditor dude-e23 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Hi, I'm sorry for the potentially bad English; it's not my first language anyway."
"I'm a 26-year-old male who recently got engaged to my fiancè, a 28-year-old male."
"For the sake of the story, I'm going to call him Mark."
"I'm a trans man, and this will be relevant to the story."
"Mark and I have been going out for 4 years, and I wasn't on testosterone when we met, and only started recently."
"Mark had never had any issues with my gender identity; he always respected my pronouns and my gender, or so I thought."
"Recently, we were over at his parents' when the topic of the wedding planning came up."
"His mom asked about our wedding outfits, and Mark, who was a bit drunk at this point, said, 'I want to put (my name) in a dress so SHE can be prepared for HER future wifey duty.'"
"I was stunned, and I could see how uncomfortable his mom was."
"I said we were leaving and took Mark home."
"It happened yesterday, and I'm genuinely thinking of breaking it off."
"I've struggled a lot with my identity, and a big part of my family cut me off after my coming out."
"Right now, Mark is at work, and I pretended to be asleep when he left, but now I can't stop overthinking small details like how he used some feminine term in bed or how he always hated when I cut my hair short."
"But maybe he thought it was funny, and he was too drunk to realize what he was saying."
The OP was left to wonder:
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"Yeah, so it turns out that this isn't the case."
"Please don't marry him."
"He fundamentally doesn't respect who you are."
"And to be honest, this would be a disturbing enough statement if you were a woman."
"You can't tie yourself down to this person." ~ HighRiseCat
"Yes! It would still be icky and questionable for him to say this if OP presented as a CIS female - but the fact that OP is a trans man makes it horrifying. WTF?!" ~ MarionberryOk2874
"NOR. I'm a cisgender, heterosexual married woman, so my experience with dating is very different from yours, but if my fiancé said 'She will be wearing a modest dress to get used to life as a married woman' or 'She needs to wear a low cut dress, so I can see what I'm buying' or anything along those lines, I would have called it off quickly."
"The dismissal of your identity is problematic as hell, but so is the little hint that married life will be radically different and not in a lovely, better way."
"Your wedding attire should reflect you, your identity, your values, comfort, and inspire confidence."
"You deserve that."
"Everyone deserves that." ~ ankareeda
"NOR, have a direct conversation with him about this, and don't get legally entangled with him."
"He shouldn't be thinking this is funny anyway; drunkness is not an excuse here, you're his partner of many years." ~ Fit_Square1322
"If these things that he says are coming out when he's drunk, that probably means he's thinking about these issues of your gender presentation, but he's not telling you what he's thinking."
"He sounds very emotionally immature and not ready for marriage." ~ GreenDirt2
"Bro, drunk words are sober thoughts with the volume turned up."
"Thought it was funny isn’t a defense."
"It’s a confession."
"He told his mom who he actually thinks you are."
"You survived your family cutting you off to live as you."
"You don’t owe anyone a second round of that grief because your fiancé can’t handle pronouns after 4 years." ~ BabydolllVibess
"Oh, my God??!!"
"Dude, that’s crazy. Please dump his as*."
"He clearly doesn’t see you as a man, and if you marry him, you’re resigning yourself to a life of being misgendered, and he’s probably gonna try and detransition you or feminize you (seeing as he wants you to wear a DRESS)."
"Also, I’m a trans dude, and I think it’s important that you hear a fellow trans man say this."
"You need to leave."
"You’re a man, and it’s insane that he’s trying to make you feel like you aren’t."
"The breakup will probably suck, but if you stay with him, it’ll be 100x worse." ~ mothmn_9
"NOR, I’ve learned drunk people usually speak more honestly than they mean to."
"I’d guess his mask slipped off; this is certainly grounds for leaving if he can’t accept who you are as you are." ~ Defiant_Tea_8722
"You’re not overreacting."
"I don’t think he actually respects you and who you are as a person."
"He called you feminine things all throughout your relationship."
"Maybe he never accepted you, and I’m sorry."
"I know that's a lot, but I know you will find someone who actually respects you and cares for you truly." ~ Due_Classic_4090
"Some people would tell you that people say things they don’t mean when they’re drunk. I think that’s BS."
"In my experience, it just removes their filter, and everything they say has an underlying truth to it."
"Knowing your gender identity and what you prefer, his words seem very disrespectful towards you and inconsiderate of your feelings, and being drunk isn’t a good enough excuse."
"If you have doubts, don’t just brush them off; trust your gut." ~ Kitchen_Process_8351
"NOR."
"I’m a cis woman, but my first serious relationship was with a trans man."
"Frankly, he was abusive, and I don’t even like or respect him, but still I would NEVER misgender him, because I sincerely understand that he’s a man."
"And I’m not an a**hole."
"Your partner is an a**hole." ~ tigalicious
"NOR. That’s a major breach of trust."
"Your relationship has gone on long enough for him to know that sh*t isn’t cool and is not a matter to joke over, even if he’s drunk (unless he has a drinking problem, in which case he needs to address that before marriage and work to make amends)." ~ Moist_Drippings
"NOR. It sounds like he might be counting on your gender identity to be 'just a phase' and that after the marriage, he’ll expect you to embody the 'wifely' role fully."
"He isn’t taking you seriously as a man, and it doesn’t sound like he’s actually on board for a homosexual marriage."
"Get out of there!" ~ Amwfgoddess
"NOR. My biggest concern is the potential for abuse - wifey duty?"
"Not even a conservative man says something like that."
"It's a pure trash statement."
"My first marriage was to an addict... 'DRUNKEN WORDS ARE SOBER THOUGHTS!'"
"😔 I'm so sorry. 🫂" ~ pashinates
OP returned with an UPDATE:
"I dont know if this is how you update, but anyway..."
"Mark and I are done."
"He came home from work an hour and a half ago, and I made him dinner so we could eat and talk."
"I told him what he said deeply hurt me, that I felt like he didn't respect me and saw me as a woman."
"He said that until recently he always saw me as a man, even though I'm the more feminine side (whatever that means), but since I've started taking testosterone, he realized he was less attracted to me and started to resent me."
"Which is f**king weird because my appearance didn't even change that much, and that he needed to take the 'lead' of the relationship again."
"By then, I had heard enough."
"I made it clear we were done and that this type of behavior was not okay and that it'll never be okay."
"That he had to go to therapy and work on his insecurities, but that I couldn't stay with him."
"At this point, he was apologizing and almost pleading with me to stay, but I really did not want to stay, so I took all my essentials and called my friend."
"I'm currently waiting for her to pick me up."
"I'm so confused about how someone I loved so much could betray me like that."
"I'll ask my friend and her husband if they can go back to take my other stuff later on because I really don't want to see him."
"I'm safe, my friend set me up in the guest bedroom, and I'm so grateful I have her."
"Mark and his family have been blowing up my phone."
"His mom, bless her heart, has only asked how I was and said that no matter what, she'll always see me as her son and that she's sorry about Mark's behavior, but his dad and brother have been sending me very insulting texts that included slurs."
"Mark threatened to 'go get me,' but luckily, he doesn't know where my friend lives."
"Honestly, I don't even recognize the man I was with."
"I'm thinking about moving to another city where I could live with my cousin until I'm back on my feet, but that's a whole other story."
"I'm planning to keep in contact with Mark's mom, and I'll be meeting up with her on Thursday."
"Thank you so much for opening my eyes and for making me realize Mark's behavior was not normal."
This is such a heartbreaking story.
So sorry you had to go through this, OP.
Reddit is loudly 1000% with you.
It's wonderful that you have love and support.
Stay strong.