Money is often a key issue in every relationship.
Whether a couple has money or doesn’t, the drama of the coin overshadows.
Every penny counts these days.
So, how does a person help others in need?
Redditor Exotic-Matter-5551 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for refusing to pay my husband’s credit cards?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My husband (50 M[ale]) is from a different country, and his family (especially his brothers) pressure him constantly to send money home. “
“However, I (43 F[emale]) am the primary breadwinner and the one who tracks our budget, including our mortgage, loans, daughter’s private school tuition, car payment, and monthly expenses.”
“We don’t have a lot of extra to spare.”
“Actually, we don’t have any extra to spare, but his family doesn’t (or won’t) understand that.”
“They think everyone in America is rich.”
“My husband and I have had multiple long talks and agreed that we wouldn’t send money to his family without discussing and agreeing on it, and we would never, under any circumstances, use a credit card to send money back home.”
“I opened his phone the other day and just happened to see that he had sent his brother $1500 from his credit card.”
“My immediate reaction was, I’m not paying that.”
“I told him I am not paying off his credit card, and he can figure it out himself.”
“He has argued back that if his credit score is damaged, it will affect our entire household since everything is half in his name.”
“He has also argued that he works less to be available to care for our daughter, and I’m breaking the marriage agreement and devaluing his labor.”
“He also had a bunch of reasons why his brother needed the money, but I’m so sick of his family taking advantage of us.”
“I’m holding strong that I won’t be paying any money toward that credit card, and he can figure it out himself.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for not paying off his credit card?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. You had an agreement.”
“He broke it.”
“That’s called financial infidelity.”
“I recommend separating your finances, because this man will take you down with him.” ~ NorthernLitUp
“NTA and yikes.”
“Husband prioritized his brother over his wife and child.”
“Husband broke his promise to you, then tried to twist it so that you felt guilty over breaking the ‘marriage agreement.'”
“Unacceptable behaviour on both fronts.”
“He made this decision without you so that he can fix it without you.”
“I genuinely hope that you can work this out.”
“Seems that you have made all the right choices and are handling this admirably.”
“Trust your instincts.” ~ CandylandCanada
“His worst is literally grounds for divorce, so we’re just saying protect yourself.”
“Also- how is he ‘taking care of your daughter’ when he’s drunk?”
“Frankly, I’d also start shaming his family for asking.”
“They may not care, but I would message all of them and say we don’t have this money to spare and he’s going into personal debt to send it, so stop asking.”
“The fact that he threatened YOUR financial standing and credit with this is unforgivable, to me.”
“Lying, deceit, coercion, AND an active addiction are big issues.” ~ DangerLime113
“NTA, separate your finances and check your credit.” ~ FinnFinnFinnegan
“NTA. He alone is responsible for his credit score.”
“Your husband unilaterally made the decision to spend money he didn’t have and in a manner he agreed was detrimental.”
“If you bail him out this time, he will repeat this behavior.”
“His actions are disrespectful towards you and your immediate family.”
“I hope things work out for you.” ~ Pleasant_Test_6088
“He broke the marriage agreement.”
“It is called financial infidelity.”
“You both agreed that he would never use a credit card to send money home.”
“You need marriage counseling ASAP.” ~ Charlie1986_
“Agree. A similar situation occurred with a couple I know, which was very difficult.”
“The wife struggled with addiction and had opened up credit cards and racked up an incredible amount of debt, in addition to other issues.”
“He stayed married and tried to manage their finances in all kinds of crazy ways, like people are suggesting here, because he didn’t want to divorce her and put her out on the street.”
“He eventually did.”
“She walked away with money, of course, and she was more than fine, but he felt like a monster.”
“Eventually, she got clean, and now they are living together again, but not married.”
“I don’t see a way for this to work out except divorce or a huge marriage reset.”
“The suggestions on this thread are nuts.” ~ JefeRex
“Na. He broke the agreement by going behind your back.”
“Nice deflection from him, though, to guilt-trip you.”
“You don’t have the money, what’s not to understand about that?”
“If he really wants to have money to send back home, then maybe more income is needed.”
“Is that possible, or does your work require him to be at home with your child?”
“Maybe bring him into the budget planning – it’s not good that one partner does all of that on their own. It encourages dependence.”
“Good luck. NTA.” ~ keishajay
“NTA, mainly because the two of you had an agreement, and he chose to go behind your back on everything that you had agreed on together.”
“Separate your finances from this man entirely, because he won’t stop doing this, and that will affect your financial situation and credit score sooner or later.”
“He has clearly proven by his actions that he finds his wider family’s financial desires more important than your own family’s financial security, and is willing to get you in debt for it.” ~ DJfromNL
“I would consult a lawyer and maybe file for separation so you don’t become legally liable for his debt moving forward.”
“You don’t have to divorce, but you do need to protect yourself and your child, as he seems incapable of saying no to his family.”
“He broke a promise, a very serious one.”
“He doesn’t get to say you don’t value his labor.”
“That’s not what this is about.”
“This is concerning.”
“His financial decisions can harm your future.” ~ RidiculousSucculent.
“NTA. He borrowed money from the credit card company after the two of you agreed it wouldn’t happen.”
“How did he think he was going to pay it back?”
“If this damages the family’s credit score, that’s on him.”
“You’re his wife, not his mother.”
“Let him clean up his own mess.”
“Maybe he’ll realize that his loved ones that are right in front of him are more important than distant mooching relatives.”
“However, you may want to find a way to make a compromise and settle upon a small, token amount to send each month, like $20-50.”
“Maybe none until the $1500 is paid off.” ~ Genny415
“NTA. He agreed not to send money to his family, but you couldn’t afford it, and he decided to do it anyway.”
“Consider getting a separation or divorce, because he is right that this will affect your credit as well, and this liability will affect your life and your children, because he is incapable of saying no.”
“If he is determined to set himself on fire to keep his family warm, that is his decision, but you do not need your life to go up in flames along with his.” ~ ValNotThatVal
“NTA- Yeah, if you’re not jointly on his credit card, then call his bluff and let him figure it out.”
“He can join the other Americans who pay the minimum (or more) payments per month, and his score will still be fine.”
“You can ‘kindly’ tell him if he pays it off, he can even improve his credit score.” ~ shuckyducked
“NTA. HE handed out $1500 without consulting you first.”
“In many households, that is a major purchase that a married couple discusses before spending.”
“He damaged his wife’s and his child’s credit score- not you.”
“He broke your trust by going behind your back, then trying to blame you for his deceitful actions.”
“Either his family pays him back ASAP, or he takes a second job exclusively to pay it back to the household.”
“You did not marry his brother.” ~ Ok-Refrigerator2000
“Take all credit cards back.”
“Close any that are joint.”
“Get new individual cards issued based on your own incomes.”
“Make this a pre-paid card only.”
“That will limit the amount he can send.”
“That card is only funded after paying all the bills with his ‘share’ of play money.”
“Lock down your credit so that he can’t use it to open more cards.”
“Notify all creditors that you will no longer be responsible for his debt.”
“I believe you may need to publish that in a newspaper, speak to an attorney.”
“Good Luck. “
“NTA… doesn’t pay.”
“Not all debt is shared even in a marriage.”
“Put your funds out of his reach until he puts your nuclear family first.” ~ ljgyver
“NTA… Freeze/close all joint accounts.”
“Open accounts in only your name so he doesn’t have access.”
“Tell him he needs to start working more.”
“Prepare for divorce because when the money stops, he is probably back in his home country.” ~ Outrageous_Tea_8048
“NTA. Your in-laws should know that you are not their personal ATM and you have your own family to take care of.”
“Raising a kid is tough enough as it is, and paying for daily necessities can take a toll on the wallet.”
“Your husband should also learn financial responsibility and not spend more than what he can.”
“If he wants to send money, he has to be the one using his own money and not yours unless you both agree to do it.” ~ Due-Calligrapher-803
This is a serious situation, OP.
Reddit is with you 100%.
It may be a good idea to reach out and get some professional help with tackling this matter.
Try not to let it fester; things may only get worse.
Good Luck.