While living the dating life and wading our way through the dating pool, most of us have some sort of "wish list" of what we're looking for in a partner.
An acceptable list, however, might include common interests and beliefs, rather than leaning into sexist and misogynistic ideals, pointed out the cringing members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Such_Friendship_2713 had been dating a guy for a while and thought things were going well, until he set the record straight and shared a list of items he believed the "ideal woman" should have.
When several of his wish list items were directly in opposition with her personality, the Original Poster (OP) assumed he only sent the "wish list" to her to shame her for being herself.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting to a guy sending me his 'ideal woman' checklist?"
The OP thought that she was dating a great guy, until she caught a glimpse of what he thought of her.
"I (24 Female) have been talking to a guy (37 Male) for about a month."
"Things were going well, we had good conversations, attraction, and he is super smart and funny."
"During a chat about how we connect with other people, he sent me a screenshot from his notes app, basically a list of things he finds attractive and unattractive in women."
"I am attaching the picture."
The boyfriend's checklist included:
"Attractive, i.e. ignites [fire emoji]"
"Feminine ([no] body hair, tattoo, loud)"
"Intelligence (IQ/EG 125+)"
"Nutritioning [sic]"
"Authentic, Deep, Integrity (Loyal)"
"'Not every hard-to-get thing is worth getting.'"
u/Such_Friendship_2713/Reddit
The OP felt conflicted as she reviewed the list.
"I was honestly taken aback and asked him what the f**k that was about, and if this was a sneaky way of pointing out things he doesn't like about me (I'm loud; when we first slept together, I didn't shave because I didn't expect things to happen; and I made a joke days before about getting a tattoo)."
"He insisted it had nothing to do with me, that the list is 'as old as time' for him and not recent."
"He said it's just a kind of 'guidance' or 'map' to help him know what he's looking for in people, like if you want to go from point A to point B, you follow signs instead of wandering."
But when the OP's boyfriend started to give her advice, it all went downhill from there.
"He also said maybe it's an 'exercise for me' to look at why it triggered me, and that I should reflect on what narrative my brain created around it."
"Now I'm just confused. I understand people have preferences, and that's okay. But something about how he talked about it felt kind of condescending."
"Was I wrong for calling him out, and should I end things?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that she was NOR and should exit the relationship immediately.
"RUNNNNN. This guy is a red-pilled loser who doesn't see women as human beings and has insanely unrealistic standards. You'll never be able to please this guy." - sadopossum
"In her post, she said she was loud (either when this part happened or just in general) when they slept together, she hadn't shaved, and days prior she talked about a tattoo she wanted to get."
"These are definitely jabs at her, and there's no way old dude had a list with these exact things he doesn't like on it prior to their interaction." - ArgonthePenetrator
"This dude is a weirdo, and I would end things. These don't even seem like preferences; it's more like demands." - poofypanda__
"This is literally every redpill dudebro's list. Under 30 and 'submissive' are unwritten but guaranteed to be on the list."
"This dude is as deep as a puddle and doesn't have an original thought in his head, but believes a woman of high intelligence will find this compelling." - alltheblarmyfiddlest
"Girl, just run. NOR."
"Anyone who puts intelligence and then adds in an IQ value is demonstrating the Dunning-Kruger effect in full."
"Bonus for writing 'nutritioning' right after the IQ portion." - Ok_Ad_6626
Others were alarmed by how condescending the boyfriend's follow-up messages were.
"Him telling you to 'look at why it triggered you' is literally him gaslighting you into thinking this kind of behavior is normal. It isn't. You can have a type, but this s**t is disgusting."
"What he's describing sounds like a modern-day trad wife and not in a good way." - OkLunch8659
"Not to mention, he is continuing a relationship with somebody who he already knows doesn't match his list of demands, which is a glaring manipulation red flag in itself. He's looking for someone young and maleable enough that he can transform her into the exact woman he wants. Cringe." - crindy-
"He 100% wrote the list and sent it to her so that he could try and manipulate OP into not getting a tattoo, into shaving, and into being quiet."
"Like, I absolutely do not believe that this list, at least in this form, just existed on his phone prior to this relationship. Maybe he had the bare bones of this list, but he wrote the list as we see it as a manipulation tactic."
"OP, it's not even all that sneaky. It's pretty blatantly obvious as a way of pointing out things he doesn't like about you. This guy is 13 years older than you, and he can't even gaslight you effectively." - haleorshine
"There's no reason to send a list like this to someone you are dating unless they meet every item already. 100% manipulative behavior and then met with gaslighting when she sensed the manipulation." - Boule-of-a-Took
"'He also said maybe it's an 'exercise for me' to look at why it triggered me, and that I should reflect on what narrative my brain created around it' triggered me so bad, LOL. I remember I told my ex a funny story about how I turned a guy down in Miami on a girls' trip, and he proceeded to insinuate that I actually was interested in the guy and was lying about turning him down."
"When I got upset and frustrated with him, I asked why he was upset when I handled the situation the way I should've. He replied, 'No issue. Maybe you should look within yourself to figure out why you feel so guilty.'"
"New me would've broken up with him (long before this), but old me cussed him the f**k out." - rihlenis
"He wants to control you. It's normal to ask questions about a list like this, especially if it [coincidentally] includes things that concern you."
"Run away quickly!! And avoid men with such an age gap, there is no coincidence when a mature man goes looking for 'young' women." - clarisse71100
But some were too thoroughly entertained by "nutritioning" and an "IQ/EQ of 125+" to really participate in the NOR or YOR debate.
"What's HIS IQ? I bet it's not 125 with all that 'nutritioning.'"
"This is stupid, and he is way too old to have such a stupid list." - Vampira309
"'Not every hard-to-get thing is worth getting.' Who is he quoting? His own imaginary podcast? LOL." - Fair_Theme_9388
"I think the quote part means he doesn't want his women to 'play hard to get,' as in, he wants her to give it up on the first date."
"OP, ask why someone his age hasn't found someone his age. It's because those women are less vulnerable and won't fall for his bulls**t." - CharmingChangling
"It has finally hit me that he meant to say 'nurturing' instead of 'nutritioning,' and now I'm laughing, because dude wants a mom." - Old_Tip4864
"I zeroed in on 'nutritioning,' and the fact that it was immediately below his 'intelligence' requirements."
"Bro wants his partner to have an IQ of 125+ and not know the difference between food statistics and providing care. AND 'nutritioning' isn't even a word." - arfarfbok
"I'm 37 (Female), and the idea of dating a 24-year-old makes me simultaneously feel vaguely nauseous, and annoyed, all at the same time. It is definitely red flag central." - SnooDonuts3028
"Sorry, bro, this ain't Build a B***h." - lilbit6675
"I'm not big into nutritioning, I prefer healthing overall, a more holisticalish approach. The difference is that nutritioning is specific to food intakement, whereas healthing includes exercisementation, and therapeuting my mind, which is more importanter, in my opinion." - jan1320
"A 37-year-old man interested in a 24-year-old woman with this kind of checklist... Women his age see right through his bulls**t, so he seeks out younger women. They're usually more naive and easier to manipulate. Probably why he's still single at his age." - New_Lobster_1274
"Like, 37 and 24 is not a good age gap and made me side-eye the dude anyway (I'm 40, and people that much younger than me are like a different species), but who has a checklist like this as a real adult?"
"Sure, everybody has dealbreakers and must-haves in partners, but writing it out in a notes list like this? Why? And with the weird quote at the bottom?"
"Also, writing it out in a weird little note like this highlights his own issues with spelling and grammar. Most people have pointed out that 'nutritioning' is not a word, but also 'authentic / deep / integrity (loyal)' are three different things but listed like they're the same thing."
"Even if that made sense to do when he has a different line for all the other different things he wants in a partner, shouldn't it be 'authentic / deep / loyal (has integrity)'?" - haleorshine
A pair of Redditors coped by joking about how grossed out they were.
"This is so gross. NOR." - MidwestMisfitMusings
"You sound like someone who's never nutritioning." - dkesh
"You know what, though, I'm very integrity (loyal)." - MidwestMisfitMusings
It was shocking to the subReddit that the guy thought it was a good idea to send this list to someone he was dating, and then try to trick her into using it as an exercise to improve herself, but they sure got some solid laughs out of it.
Since the OP was only 24, it was best for her to think about what she wanted for herself and date people her own age, before applauding more guys like this on how smart they wanted the OP to think they were.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.