While living the dating life and wading our way through the dating pool, most of us have some sort of "wish list" of what we're looking for in a partner.
An acceptable list, however, might include common interests and beliefs, rather than leaning into sexist and misogynistic ideals, pointed out the cringing members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Such_Friendship_2713 had been dating a guy for a while and thought things were going well, until he set the record straight and shared a list of items he believed the "ideal woman" should have.
When several of his wish list items were directly in opposition with her personality, the Original Poster (OP) assumed he only sent the "wish list" to her to shame her for being herself.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting to a guy sending me his 'ideal woman' checklist?"
The OP thought that she was dating a great guy, until she caught a glimpse of what he thought of her.
"I (24 Female) have been talking to a guy (37 Male) for about a month."
"Things were going well, we had good conversations, attraction, and he is super smart and funny."
"During a chat about how we connect with other people, he sent me a screenshot from his notes app, basically a list of things he finds attractive and unattractive in women."
"I am attaching the picture."
The boyfriend's checklist included:
"Attractive, i.e. ignites [fire emoji]"
"Feminine ([no] body hair, tattoo, loud)"
"Intelligence (IQ/EG 125+)"
"Nutritioning [sic]"
"Authentic, Deep, Integrity (Loyal)"
"'Not every hard-to-get thing is worth getting.'"
u/Such_Friendship_2713/Reddit
The OP felt conflicted as she reviewed the list.
"I was honestly taken aback and asked him what the f**k that was about, and if this was a sneaky way of pointing out things he doesn't like about me (I'm loud; when we first slept together, I didn't shave because I didn't expect things to happen; and I made a joke days before about getting a tattoo)."
"He insisted it had nothing to do with me, that the list is 'as old as time' for him and not recent."
"He said it's just a kind of 'guidance' or 'map' to help him know what he's looking for in people, like if you want to go from point A to point B, you follow signs instead of wandering."
But when the OP's boyfriend started to give her advice, it all went downhill from there.
"He also said maybe it's an 'exercise for me' to look at why it triggered me, and that I should reflect on what narrative my brain created around it."
"Now I'm just confused. I understand people have preferences, and that's okay. But something about how he talked about it felt kind of condescending."
"Was I wrong for calling him out, and should I end things?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that she was NOR and should exit the relationship immediately.
"RUNNNNN. This guy is a red-pilled loser who doesn't see women as human beings and has insanely unrealistic standards. You'll never be able to please this guy." - sadopossum
"In her post, she said she was loud (either when this part happened or just in general) when they slept together, she hadn't shaved, and days prior she talked about a tattoo she wanted to get."
"These are definitely jabs at her, and there's no way old dude had a list with these exact things he doesn't like on it prior to their interaction." - ArgonthePenetrator
"This dude is a weirdo, and I would end things. These don't even seem like preferences; it's more like demands." - poofypanda__
"This is literally every redpill dudebro's list. Under 30 and 'submissive' are unwritten but guaranteed to be on the list."
"This dude is as deep as a puddle and doesn't have an original thought in his head, but believes a woman of high intelligence will find this compelling." - alltheblarmyfiddlest
"Girl, just run. NOR."
"Anyone who puts intelligence and then adds in an IQ value is demonstrating the Dunning-Kruger effect in full."
"Bonus for writing 'nutritioning' right after the IQ portion." - Ok_Ad_6626
Others were alarmed by how condescending the boyfriend's follow-up messages were.
"Him telling you to 'look at why it triggered you' is literally him gaslighting you into thinking this kind of behavior is normal. It isn't. You can have a type, but this s**t is disgusting."
"What he's describing sounds like a modern-day trad wife and not in a good way." - OkLunch8659
"Not to mention, he is continuing a relationship with somebody who he already knows doesn't match his list of demands, which is a glaring manipulation red flag in itself. He's looking for someone young and maleable enough that he can transform her into the exact woman he wants. Cringe." - crindy-
"He 100% wrote the list and sent it to her so that he could try and manipulate OP into not getting a tattoo, into shaving, and into being quiet."
"Like, I absolutely do not believe that this list, at least in this form, just existed on his phone prior to this relationship. Maybe he had the bare bones of this list, but he wrote the list as we see it as a manipulation tactic."
"OP, it's not even all that sneaky. It's pretty blatantly obvious as a way of pointing out things he doesn't like about you. This guy is 13 years older than you, and he can't even gaslight you effectively." - haleorshine
"There's no reason to send a list like this to someone you are dating unless they meet every item already. 100% manipulative behavior and then met with gaslighting when she sensed the manipulation." - Boule-of-a-Took
"'He also said maybe it's an 'exercise for me' to look at why it triggered me, and that I should reflect on what narrative my brain created around it' triggered me so bad, LOL. I remember I told my ex a funny story about how I turned a guy down in Miami on a girls' trip, and he proceeded to insinuate that I actually was interested in the guy and was lying about turning him down."
"When I got upset and frustrated with him, I asked why he was upset when I handled the situation the way I should've. He replied, 'No issue. Maybe you should look within yourself to figure out why you feel so guilty.'"
"New me would've broken up with him (long before this), but old me cussed him the f**k out." - rihlenis
"He wants to control you. It's normal to ask questions about a list like this, especially if it [coincidentally] includes things that concern you."
"Run away quickly!! And avoid men with such an age gap, there is no coincidence when a mature man goes looking for 'young' women." - clarisse71100
But some were too thoroughly entertained by "nutritioning" and an "IQ/EQ of 125+" to really participate in the NOR or YOR debate.
"What's HIS IQ? I bet it's not 125 with all that 'nutritioning.'"
"This is stupid, and he is way too old to have such a stupid list." - Vampira309
"'Not every hard-to-get thing is worth getting.' Who is he quoting? His own imaginary podcast? LOL." - Fair_Theme_9388
"I think the quote part means he doesn't want his women to 'play hard to get,' as in, he wants her to give it up on the first date."
"OP, ask why someone his age hasn't found someone his age. It's because those women are less vulnerable and won't fall for his bulls**t." - CharmingChangling
"It has finally hit me that he meant to say 'nurturing' instead of 'nutritioning,' and now I'm laughing, because dude wants a mom." - Old_Tip4864
"I zeroed in on 'nutritioning,' and the fact that it was immediately below his 'intelligence' requirements."
"Bro wants his partner to have an IQ of 125+ and not know the difference between food statistics and providing care. AND 'nutritioning' isn't even a word." - arfarfbok
"I'm 37 (Female), and the idea of dating a 24-year-old makes me simultaneously feel vaguely nauseous, and annoyed, all at the same time. It is definitely red flag central." - SnooDonuts3028
"Sorry, bro, this ain't Build a B***h." - lilbit6675
"I'm not big into nutritioning, I prefer healthing overall, a more holisticalish approach. The difference is that nutritioning is specific to food intakement, whereas healthing includes exercisementation, and therapeuting my mind, which is more importanter, in my opinion." - jan1320
"A 37-year-old man interested in a 24-year-old woman with this kind of checklist... Women his age see right through his bulls**t, so he seeks out younger women. They're usually more naive and easier to manipulate. Probably why he's still single at his age." - New_Lobster_1274
"Like, 37 and 24 is not a good age gap and made me side-eye the dude anyway (I'm 40, and people that much younger than me are like a different species), but who has a checklist like this as a real adult?"
"Sure, everybody has dealbreakers and must-haves in partners, but writing it out in a notes list like this? Why? And with the weird quote at the bottom?"
"Also, writing it out in a weird little note like this highlights his own issues with spelling and grammar. Most people have pointed out that 'nutritioning' is not a word, but also 'authentic / deep / integrity (loyal)' are three different things but listed like they're the same thing."
"Even if that made sense to do when he has a different line for all the other different things he wants in a partner, shouldn't it be 'authentic / deep / loyal (has integrity)'?" - haleorshine
A pair of Redditors coped by joking about how grossed out they were.
"This is so gross. NOR." - MidwestMisfitMusings
"You sound like someone who's never nutritioning." - dkesh
"You know what, though, I'm very integrity (loyal)." - MidwestMisfitMusings
It was shocking to the subReddit that the guy thought it was a good idea to send this list to someone he was dating, and then try to trick her into using it as an exercise to improve herself, but they sure got some solid laughs out of it.
Since the OP was only 24, it was best for her to think about what she wanted for herself and date people her own age, before applauding more guys like this on how smart they wanted the OP to think they were.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.