While living the dating life and wading our way through the dating pool, most of us have some sort of “wish list” of what we’re looking for in a partner.
An acceptable list, however, might include common interests and beliefs, rather than leaning into sexist and misogynistic ideals, pointed out the cringing members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Such_Friendship_2713 had been dating a guy for a while and thought things were going well, until he set the record straight and shared a list of items he believed the “ideal woman” should have.
When several of his wish list items were directly in opposition with her personality, the Original Poster (OP) assumed he only sent the “wish list” to her to shame her for being herself.
She asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting to a guy sending me his ‘ideal woman’ checklist?”
The OP thought that she was dating a great guy, until she caught a glimpse of what he thought of her.
“I (24 Female) have been talking to a guy (37 Male) for about a month.”
“Things were going well, we had good conversations, attraction, and he is super smart and funny.”
“During a chat about how we connect with other people, he sent me a screenshot from his notes app, basically a list of things he finds attractive and unattractive in women.”
“I am attaching the picture.”
The boyfriend’s checklist included:
“Attractive, i.e. ignites [fire emoji]”
“Feminine ([no] body hair, tattoo, loud)”
“Intelligence (IQ/EG 125+)”
“Nutritioning [sic]”
“Authentic, Deep, Integrity (Loyal)”
“‘Not every hard-to-get thing is worth getting.'”
The OP felt conflicted as she reviewed the list.
“I was honestly taken aback and asked him what the f**k that was about, and if this was a sneaky way of pointing out things he doesn’t like about me (I’m loud; when we first slept together, I didn’t shave because I didn’t expect things to happen; and I made a joke days before about getting a tattoo).”
“He insisted it had nothing to do with me, that the list is ‘as old as time’ for him and not recent.”
“He said it’s just a kind of ‘guidance’ or ‘map’ to help him know what he’s looking for in people, like if you want to go from point A to point B, you follow signs instead of wandering.”
But when the OP’s boyfriend started to give her advice, it all went downhill from there.
“He also said maybe it’s an ‘exercise for me’ to look at why it triggered me, and that I should reflect on what narrative my brain created around it.”
“Now I’m just confused. I understand people have preferences, and that’s okay. But something about how he talked about it felt kind of condescending.”
“Was I wrong for calling him out, and should I end things?”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that she was NOR and should exit the relationship immediately.
“RUNNNNN. This guy is a red-pilled loser who doesn’t see women as human beings and has insanely unrealistic standards. You’ll never be able to please this guy.” – sadopossum
“In her post, she said she was loud (either when this part happened or just in general) when they slept together, she hadn’t shaved, and days prior she talked about a tattoo she wanted to get.”
“These are definitely jabs at her, and there’s no way old dude had a list with these exact things he doesn’t like on it prior to their interaction.” – ArgonthePenetrator
“This dude is a weirdo, and I would end things. These don’t even seem like preferences; it’s more like demands.” – poofypanda__
“This is literally every redpill dudebro’s list. Under 30 and ‘submissive’ are unwritten but guaranteed to be on the list.”
“This dude is as deep as a puddle and doesn’t have an original thought in his head, but believes a woman of high intelligence will find this compelling.” – alltheblarmyfiddlest
“Girl, just run. NOR.”
“Anyone who puts intelligence and then adds in an IQ value is demonstrating the Dunning-Kruger effect in full.”
“Bonus for writing ‘nutritioning’ right after the IQ portion.” – Ok_Ad_6626
Others were alarmed by how condescending the boyfriend’s follow-up messages were.
“Him telling you to ‘look at why it triggered you’ is literally him gaslighting you into thinking this kind of behavior is normal. It isn’t. You can have a type, but this s**t is disgusting.”
“What he’s describing sounds like a modern-day trad wife and not in a good way.” – OkLunch8659
“Not to mention, he is continuing a relationship with somebody who he already knows doesn’t match his list of demands, which is a glaring manipulation red flag in itself. He’s looking for someone young and maleable enough that he can transform her into the exact woman he wants. Cringe.” – crindy-
“He 100% wrote the list and sent it to her so that he could try and manipulate OP into not getting a tattoo, into shaving, and into being quiet.”
“Like, I absolutely do not believe that this list, at least in this form, just existed on his phone prior to this relationship. Maybe he had the bare bones of this list, but he wrote the list as we see it as a manipulation tactic.”
“OP, it’s not even all that sneaky. It’s pretty blatantly obvious as a way of pointing out things he doesn’t like about you. This guy is 13 years older than you, and he can’t even gaslight you effectively.” – haleorshine
“There’s no reason to send a list like this to someone you are dating unless they meet every item already. 100% manipulative behavior and then met with gaslighting when she sensed the manipulation.” – Boule-of-a-Took
“‘He also said maybe it’s an ‘exercise for me’ to look at why it triggered me, and that I should reflect on what narrative my brain created around it’ triggered me so bad, LOL. I remember I told my ex a funny story about how I turned a guy down in Miami on a girls’ trip, and he proceeded to insinuate that I actually was interested in the guy and was lying about turning him down.”
“When I got upset and frustrated with him, I asked why he was upset when I handled the situation the way I should’ve. He replied, ‘No issue. Maybe you should look within yourself to figure out why you feel so guilty.'”
“New me would’ve broken up with him (long before this), but old me cussed him the f**k out.” – rihlenis
“He wants to control you. It’s normal to ask questions about a list like this, especially if it [coincidentally] includes things that concern you.”
“Run away quickly!! And avoid men with such an age gap, there is no coincidence when a mature man goes looking for ‘young’ women.” – clarisse71100
But some were too thoroughly entertained by “nutritioning” and an “IQ/EQ of 125+” to really participate in the NOR or YOR debate.
“What’s HIS IQ? I bet it’s not 125 with all that ‘nutritioning.'”
“This is stupid, and he is way too old to have such a stupid list.” – Vampira309
“‘Not every hard-to-get thing is worth getting.’ Who is he quoting? His own imaginary podcast? LOL.” – Fair_Theme_9388
“I think the quote part means he doesn’t want his women to ‘play hard to get,’ as in, he wants her to give it up on the first date.”
“OP, ask why someone his age hasn’t found someone his age. It’s because those women are less vulnerable and won’t fall for his bulls**t.” – CharmingChangling
“It has finally hit me that he meant to say ‘nurturing’ instead of ‘nutritioning,’ and now I’m laughing, because dude wants a mom.” – Old_Tip4864
“I zeroed in on ‘nutritioning,’ and the fact that it was immediately below his ‘intelligence’ requirements.”
“Bro wants his partner to have an IQ of 125+ and not know the difference between food statistics and providing care. AND ‘nutritioning’ isn’t even a word.” – arfarfbok
“I’m 37 (Female), and the idea of dating a 24-year-old makes me simultaneously feel vaguely nauseous, and annoyed, all at the same time. It is definitely red flag central.” – SnooDonuts3028
“Sorry, bro, this ain’t Build a B***h.” – lilbit6675
“I’m not big into nutritioning, I prefer healthing overall, a more holisticalish approach. The difference is that nutritioning is specific to food intakement, whereas healthing includes exercisementation, and therapeuting my mind, which is more importanter, in my opinion.” – jan1320
“A 37-year-old man interested in a 24-year-old woman with this kind of checklist… Women his age see right through his bulls**t, so he seeks out younger women. They’re usually more naive and easier to manipulate. Probably why he’s still single at his age.” – New_Lobster_1274
“Like, 37 and 24 is not a good age gap and made me side-eye the dude anyway (I’m 40, and people that much younger than me are like a different species), but who has a checklist like this as a real adult?”
“Sure, everybody has dealbreakers and must-haves in partners, but writing it out in a notes list like this? Why? And with the weird quote at the bottom?”
“Also, writing it out in a weird little note like this highlights his own issues with spelling and grammar. Most people have pointed out that ‘nutritioning’ is not a word, but also ‘authentic / deep / integrity (loyal)’ are three different things but listed like they’re the same thing.”
“Even if that made sense to do when he has a different line for all the other different things he wants in a partner, shouldn’t it be ‘authentic / deep / loyal (has integrity)’?” – haleorshine
A pair of Redditors coped by joking about how grossed out they were.
“This is so gross. NOR.” – MidwestMisfitMusings
“You sound like someone who’s never nutritioning.” – dkesh
“You know what, though, I’m very integrity (loyal).” – MidwestMisfitMusings
It was shocking to the subReddit that the guy thought it was a good idea to send this list to someone he was dating, and then try to trick her into using it as an exercise to improve herself, but they sure got some solid laughs out of it.
Since the OP was only 24, it was best for her to think about what she wanted for herself and date people her own age, before applauding more guys like this on how smart they wanted the OP to think they were.