Stories of sibling rivalry have been popular in fiction for millennia. And they've played out in real life as well.
Sometimes parents contribute to the rivalry by having a favored child.
A bride whose fiancé isn't his family's golden child turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after being told to postpone their wedding.
Living-Time-9787 asked:
"AITA for not postponing our wedding to accommodate my sister-in-law (SIL)?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My fiancé (male, 28) and I (female, 28) are set to be married in December. We got engaged in June 2023, and decided on the wedding date a year and half in advance for everyone's convenience."
"We have been dating for 10 years and have been saving up for the wedding for 5 years, to be able to afford an extravagant wedding in a palace in India, and we finally made those arrangements."
"My husband's sister has always been a golden child. She always got what she asked for, as opposed to my husband, who they treat like a cash cow."
"Every time his mother needs anything expensive, he's the first call she makes. I try not getting between them, but she's never shown any interest in his life."
"Coming to the wedding, we sent out save the dates in December 2023 for people to plan their holidays/plans way in advance. My future SIL got married 3 years back."
"It was a nice wedding, but not as fancy as ours. When she knew about our plans, she started finding problems in everything to the point where my husband asked her to stop interfering."
"Last week, we got a call from her in all excitement to tell us she was pregnant and is expecting a child in December. Both of us were shocked, but happy for her and congratulated her."
"She then proceeded saying 'so you can just come to SF to get married at the City Hall. I would need help with the baby'. I was baffled and told her the wedding is still on, and her having a child does not change our wedding plans."
"She threw a fit when I said that and hung up.
"Later that day, his mom called and told us to postpone the wedding 6 months so his sister could attend it, and if we didn't, then she wouldn't attend either, and that her daughter's pregnancy was a bigger event than our 'STUPID' marriage."
"His father doesn't want us to postpone the wedding and is, in fact, more supportive than ever."
"My husband was upset and chose not to respond, but I lost my sh*t. I told her that if my SIL prioritized her pregnancy over our marriage (which she knew for about a year and a half), we're not obligated to prioritize her pregnancy over our happiness."
"My husband is speechless, and we don't know what to do."
"WIBTA for not postponing the wedding?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"We're not postponing the wedding. His mother would want to see her son get married."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors unanimously declared the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. The cynic in me thinks it's a ploy by your sister-in-law to see how far you'll jump if she says higher. I hope I am wrong, but I wouldn't be surprised if something goes sideways with the 'pregnancy' if you change your wedding date."
"Either way, you don't need to rearrange your wedding because your sister-in-law can't make it. And the drama won't stop there either, your mother-in-law will need to go to where she is, so she can be their for your sister-in-law in her time of need."
"Carry on with your plans and don't know tow to their unreasonable requests and demands." ~ Peony-Pony
"NTA. You're better off without them. Much better off." ~ diminishingpatience
"That includes stopping her husband from sending MIL money every time she asks. OP needs to sit him down and make it clear his family will only ever use him whilst treating you both like crap."
"That if his mum thinks she can demand them to cancel 'their stupid wedding' then she's no longer entitled to his money or to be part of their lives. That she's had ten years of him allowing and enabling them to treat her and him like crap."
"Now he has to make that commitment to support his future wife and cut off toxic people; otherwise, he's helping them affect their lives negatively." ~ Sweet-Interview5620
"Do the math. Unless the future sister-in-law is able to keep a secret really well, if she just found out she's pregnant, then she's due in March of next year, not this December."
"NTA. Just go on with your plans and your lives. These toxic people will either show up or they won't. You must stop catering to their whims and giving them money." ~ LakotaGrl
"Might be a blessing in disguise. If MIL skips the wedding, that might be the push OP's fiancé needs to stop being his mother's cash cow. NTA regardless." ~ PettyYetiSpaghetti
"Tell her you respect that she prioritizes her daughter like that. Family is important. So from now on you and your fiancé will prioritize your new family as well."
"This will mean that he can not financially contribute to her or her family anymore. Expect requests for financial support for the new baby."
"Congratulations on your wedding. Make it YOUR day. NTA." ~ Aggressive_Cup8452
"Don't postpone. Six months later it'll be 'kid is only 6 months old and not had all their shots so can't travel'. Then it'll be another excuse."
"Have your drama-free wedding without a golden child and her enabler." ~ Unlikely-Shop5114
"That is assuming she is actually pregnant now and not just making it up to cause trouble. I give the odds about 50/50. NTA." ~ Loud-Bee6673
"Yeah, this calls for an 'excited' email saying you are over the moon about your future nibling, please send ultrasound immediately and, of course, you will set up a livestream so they can watch your wedding from the palace in India. NTA." ~ shelwood46
"NTA. Unless she's actively in labor during your wedding, she can watch over Zoom. I'd offer to get someone to set up a livestream for her, and that's it."
"This '...so you can just come to SF to get married at the City Hall. I would need help with the baby' makes me wonder if she's making up the pregnancy. Changing your wedding to something she considers worse than hers seems to be her primary motivation." ~ ApprehensiveBook4214
"NTA. Your in-laws have obviously made it clear who the favorite is—hint: It isn't your husband."
"Your husband needs to stop letting them use him as an ATM. And no one can demand your help because they made the choice to have child." ~ NotCreativeAtAll16
"Other people have been given loads of time to prepare for the wedding. Is it fair to disrupt them and their travel plans for your SIL? NTA."
"Keep the date, and if his parents choose not to attend, then they miss out. Because if you postpone six months, you know she will have another reason to interfere. Congrats and good luck." ~ SusanfromMA
"NTA—You are going to postpone your wedding to help take care of a child you did not give birth to?"
"I know you don't want to get in the middle of your husband's relationship with his family, but you could gently hint that he should limit contact with his mother for his own mental health. Be supportive of whatever he wants to do."
"There SHOULD be a discussion of how finances will be handled as a married couple. I would not be comfortable with my husband using money that could be used to build our lives together on a family member who is not having an emergency."
"Don't demand that he not give his mother money, but it should be a discussion." ~ lostalldoubt86
"NTA. So, his mother wanted you to cancel and threatened 'if we don't then she wouldn't attend either'."
"Jackpot! The proper response to that is 'Okay, but we'll miss you'."
"His mother has now given your fiancé the perfect excuse to never give her money again. Discuss this golden opportunity to break free with your fiancé." ~ extinct_diplodocus
"Man, what is it about weddings that drive family members absolutely insane? No, you're not the asshole, your sister in law is acting like the spoiled brat she is."
"So the whole family has to grind to a halt and re-center around her until her pregnancy is over? Why? It's fantastic that she's having a baby, but other stuff gets to happen too."
"She's not the protagonist of reality, and you're not her supporting cast."
"Just the sheer narcissism required to think you can postpone someone else's wedding... you can tell nobody checks this woman."
"Weddings are huge and complicated, both emotionally and logistically. You've already got yours rolling, who does she think she is to demand it change course now?"
'Your husband's mother doesn't get to hold her attendance hostage. Your wedding isn't about them and it certainly isn't about your husband's sister.
"They can either come or not. No negotiations. Time to check these idiots so hard their noses break." ~ Ok_Surprise_4090
The OP may not have the support of their future sister-in-law and mother-in-law, but it's doubtful they ever would or did.
OP's future sister-in-law seems focused on making sure the wedding is a simple city hall ceremony so their wedding doesn't outshine hers.
And the future mother-in-law seems focused on catering to her daughter's every whim.
It looks like a great time for the OP and her fiancé to set their own priorities going forward. Hopefully, it centers on their own happiness.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp