When a baby is added to a family, it's inevitable that priorities will change.
This is especially true for grandparents who don't bear responsibility for the mundane tasks of the day to day life of the child. Grandparents are free to fawn over the baby and enjoy just the good bits.
But what if their relationship with their grandchild's parents hits a rough patch?
Is it reasonable to restrict their access to their grandchild?
A mom is wondering just that so she turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
ThrowRAflorafauna asked:
"AITA for not letting my mother-in-law (MIL) and father-in-law (FIL) help me with the baby after their reaction to me being injured?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (21, female) have a 7-month-old son with my boyfriend. My family lives abroad and are coming over to stay and help at Christmas time."
"For now, my MIL and FIL (60s-Debra and Bob) are helping me with household stuff and the baby. So far, we haven't had any real issues and they've been a massive help."
"About 3 weeks ago, I fell down the stairs."
"I wasn't holding the baby and the baby was safe. However, instead of helping me, Debra and Bob both jumped to comfort the baby who was crying… and left me at the bottom of the stairs."
"My legs were fine, but I was wobbly because of shock and asked one of them to help me up."
"After nearly 10 whole minutes of being ignored, I managed to stand up on my own and hobble through to the living room. I sit down and Debra says 'What's happened to you? Are you ok?'."
"I'll admit, I saw red."
"I just said 'I fell down the stairs, didn't you hear me calling you for help?' Debra's eyes widened and she said she was too busy fussing over the baby."
"After an hour, my arm was swelling up and I was taken to hospital. Luckily, it was nothing serious and recovery time would be quick."
"After my boyfriend got home and his parents left, I told him I no longer want their help after today's events. I can manage on my own, even though it'll be hard."
"He was taken aback and said they've done a lot for us. I said I appreciated it all but they ignored me crying and calling them for 10 minutes after I fell down the stairs."
"They don't care about me, only the baby and I was embarassed I didn't see it sooner."
"He called his parents to let them know we won't need their help anymore and his dad said 'Is it about today? We really didn't hear her'."
"My boyfriend just told them they're invited to Sunday roast this week and that's all. I could tell he was not happy about my decision but he said he went along with it because I'm the mother."
"Fast forward to Sunday and my brother-in-law (BIL) and sister-in-law (SIL) are guests as well. SIL has a 3-year-old and is totally on my side but BIL is not."
"He told me to 'be grateful' for his parent's support as they're significantly more well-off than my parents are and paid for many newborn/infant expenses and plan to pay for many more as the baby grows."
"Since then, Debra keeps calling asking if we need any help and says she feels awful not seeing 'the both of you' and that she misses the baby."
"AITA for not wanting them helping me in my day to day life?"
The OP added some answers to common questions.
"'Was the baby crying loudly enough that there is a possibility they didn't hear you?' No way. The baby stopped crying after 10 seconds and the stairs are like 2 meters from the living room."
"There is absolutely zero way they couldn't have heard me:"
"1- scream as I fell"
"2- the general noise of someone falling, including books falling and wall plates breaking"
"3- me crying and shouting for help"
"I fell at the top of the stairs and fell all the way down. This wasn't a missed step and a bum shuffle down that hurt my pelvic bone."
"I fully fell down the stairs and cracked the banister. No way they didn't hear."
"The baby also started crying AFTER the initial smack after I hit the ground."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole.
"I stopped by MIL and FIL from seeing me or the baby."
"They care about the baby and helped me and have paid for many things and will continue to do so in the future so it seems ungrateful."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
The majority of Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. You are the only one who knows the layout of your home, the timeframe of the crying and the noise, and how everyone reacted."
"I can't imagine that upon hearing thumps and screams, they would rush to a baby—who is fine—and for the next 10 minutes they didn't bother to call out for you or to investigate where the noise came from."
"While they may not have intentionally ignored you, they displayed a lack of care for you, and weirdly for themselves."
"If I hear a big noise, I'm looking around, and I'm certainly yelling out for anyone else who would be home, both to make sure they are okay but also to make sure we aren't being robbed or something is wrong."
"My dad drops a pot on the floor once a day and we still all yell "YOU OKAY" even though we know exactly what the man did."
And you know what, it doesn't matter if they want to help, or if they have given you a ton of money and stuff. You aren't going no contact with them and you aren't keeping them from the baby, you just don't want them around every day."
"Your feelings are hurt and you don't want to rely on them in the same way. I might agree with your BIL if you were fully not speaking to them, but you are just scaling back their involvement, and that's fine." ~ mfruitfly
"NTA. From what you described, there's no way they didn't hear you fall. They deliberately chose to ignore you lying there, possibly seriously hurt."
"And they are lying about it. They didn't help you at all until YOU managed to get yourself to a place that they could no longer ignore you."
"In turn, you cannot ignore behavior like that. You just can't."
"What if you'd punctured a lung or passed out from a serious concussion? What if you'd died because they couldn't be bothered to investigate? You are better off without that kind of 'help'."
"I'm aghast that your boyfriend didn't rip them each a new one." ~ Diasies_inMyHair
"I'm wondering if SIL had similar interactions with her in-laws which is why she agrees with OP.
"If the in-laws are treating both OP and SIL as outsiders I could easily see why there's disagreement amongst the sons." ~ DahliaRenegade
"My mother-in-law would have pushed through her arthritis knees and would have rannnn to help me, hug me and generally be motherly."
"OP, a total stranger would have come to see you instantly. It's an emergency."
"I hope your boyfriend is furious about this." ~ Extension-Pen-642
Some found the situation—as described from the OP's perspective—very suspicious.
Like featured on a true crime series suspicious.
"Babies cries are high-pitched. A tumble down the stairs is a lot of ruckus. An adult human cries at a much lower register than a baby."
"I'm pointing this out because if they are trying to say that 'my hearing isn't what it used to be...', then that is not a good argument. The first thing to go is hearing at the higher registers, meaning if anything, it would have been the baby's cries that they couldn't hear."
"But if we ignore that, then let's see what the situation is:"
"They heard the baby crying. Presumably YOU heard the baby cry."
"If I'm at someone's house, and their baby cries, I wonder, 'Why isn't mom/dad taking care of this baby?' After I've checked to make sure the baby is okay, I go to check out why the parent didn't come."
"Where are you? Are you ignoring your baby? Do you need help? Were you in the bathroom? Did you fall down the stairs?"
"No matter what way you look at it, there's something fishy about this situation. NTA." ~ NotSoAverage_sister
"Part of me is wondering if they ignored her and were hoping she wouldn't survive the fall so that their son and the baby would have to come live with them."
"I don't really see another reason to ignore someone that's been hurt and then play dumb about it. NTA." ~ LookAwayPlease510
"Her boyfriend already KNOWS his parents hate OP & don't care whether she lives or dies, but he's been taught that giving money means the parents can be a**holes to whoever they want." ~ Granuaile11
"Yeah, I'd be asking him why he doesn't seem to mind his parents leaving her potentially seriously injured and completely not caring about her safety at all."
"The baby wouldn't exist without OP, so they should be treating the mother of their grandchild with at least basic common decency and concern for her physical well-being."
"I mean damn, I treat strangers better than that." ~ modernjaneausten
"I'm sure they heard you, almost wonder if they did something to cause the fall."
"And BIL is way out of line."
"I'm telling you now days, I value those who are there for you with little to give more than those who have everything to give but ignore you." ~ Popular-Jaguar-3803
However a vocal minority felt the OP was the a**hole.
"YTA-really? you go from 'they've been a massive help' to cutting them off over a misunderstanding?"
"This type of behavior doesn't help people understand each other, live together happily, and be intimate. Talk to each other for God's sake."
"They have their viewpoint on what happened too. I understand you're upset, but this is so immature." ~ JustWhippet
"I've seen similar stories posted on social media from one party while knowing the 'true' story and this reads like a deliberately obfuscated version."
"There is no way you can go from genuinely believing that they left you to die to having them over for Sunday roast."
"I feel bad for everyone involved here, even the OP, because her feelings and perceptions are valid but something is missing from the narrative." ~ Durtonious
"She states they also help with the house. I think she paints them as malicious when it's likely a misunderstanding."
"Why would she allow them to help with her baby for 7 months if they're such horrible people‽‽"
"I'm not buying it. She's also fine accepting financial support for them." ~ Difficult_Fix1973
"Yeah I bet she's not cutting them off from any financial assistance." ~ Salty_Pancakes
"YTA. You laid there for 10 minutes, despite no actual injuries. Drama queen much?" ~ ShillinTheVillain
"I fell down some stairs a couple months ago and yeah it hurt and I laid there a minute hoping I didn't break anything before slowly getting up."
"But you know what I didn't do?"
"I didn't stay there for 10 minutes shouting and 'sobbing' for help (help with what, exactly?). So ridiculous." ~ athaliah
"YTA. Sound like a drama queen. 10 minutes just sitting there and, in the end, nothing was wrong with you."
"You sound like you just need attention and they probably just know how you are." ~ Redditor
"You say they have been extremely helpful and are paying many of the baby expenses. I hope you get what you want and they leave you alone and take their money with them.
"They are obviously evil and who knows what devil worship they practice to get that money to begin with."
"I bet they were hoping you ended up in a coma so they could harvest your kidneys so they could start saving up for the next grandchild. YTA." ~ No-Yesterday-5822
"YTA. It's evident how young you are and throwing a temper tantrum."
Next time you fall, get up and get on with your life. Stop pouting." ~ yourpaleblueeyes
With Redditors very divided in their reactions, it seems evident there is much more to this story.
Feelings are definitely hurt.
It sounds like a discussion with the in-laws might be a good idea.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp