A quinceañera is a celebration of a girl’s 15th birthday common in Mexican and other Latin American cultures with roots in both colonial Spanish and Indigenous American cultures.
The quinceañera—a term used for both the birthday girl and the celebration—wears an elaborate formal evening dress, traditionally a ball gown chosen by the girl and her mother in her favorite color.
In the Mexican Catholic tradition, the quinceañera celebration begins with a thanksgiving Mass. She arrives at church accompanied by her parents, baptismal godparents, and court of honor.
The court of honor is chosen by the quinceañera from her peers and consists of paired-off girls—called damas (dames)—and boys—called chambelanes (chamberlains) with 7 to 15 pairs dressed in matching outfits color coordinated with the quinceañera’s gown.
The celebrations take as much planning as a wedding and can cost almost as much.
A mother who doesn’t want to break the bank on a quinceañera turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Kooky_Excuse_1557 asked:
“AITA for telling my daughter’s father that I will not be doing a Quinceñera for her?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I’m 35 (female) and have a 13-year-old daughter who wants a Quinceñera—they are planned in advance, this is the planning phase—and I’m not comfortable spending that much money on one event.”
“I’m a Hispanic woman who was born in the US, so I’m not a traditional Mexican and my kids are Americanized.”
“Here’s where the issue comes. My daughter’s father (36) who lives with his mom, pays nothing in child support because he’s in debt (owes IRS/credit card debt).”
“I pay everything for my daughter (school activities/sports/hobbies/clothes/trips)—you name it, I pay. I don’t ask her dad because he’s already paying child support for another son he has with an ex.”
“I am fortunate that my fiancé and I make a good income and can afford to be debt free by choosing to make wise money decisions. I have a full-time job, do contract work on the side, and am a part-time Masters student at my local University (debt-free).”
“My ex approached me when I dropped off my daughter and said that our daughter wants a Quince and she wants a party where all her family is in one place. I told him I wasn’t doing a Quince, but I’d throw a party in our backyard and he was invited.”
“I’ve talked to her and she wants the whole nine yards of a Quinceñera. I know it’s early, but he wants to start planning now. I feel it has more to do with his ‘ego’ because a lot of parents do it for themselves and I’ve seen it firsthand.”
“Our house is nice and our backyard was done a few years ago and is big. The other day he said that his cousin had a baby shower at a ranch—it’s just a ranch style home that rents their big home (backyard) for events—and that its $3K for the venue for 250 people.”
“On the phone, I freaked because I have a lot on my plate and know how much work it takes to plan an event with a lot of people. He said his family is easily 100 people.”
“I have a lot of family too, but I was only planning on only inviting close family and friends. When I tell him, ‘No, this is not a Quinceñera, but a party with food and DJ with tops 100 people,’ he tells me that ‘I’m starting to really disappoint him’.”
“I tell him that I have a lot going on and that I can’t plan something that big with all the stuff I already do and that I don’t want to spend a lot of money. Quinceñeras are a lot when you think of the dress/dolls/walce/damas/band/etc…”
“They are time consuming and a lot of money goes into them.”
“He gave me $200 the other day and was planning to give me $100 each payday. He’s never given me that much money for her since we separated when she was 1.”
“I have final exams this week and I haven’t been able to sleep for 2 nights thinking of all the stress this is causing me.”
“Should I give him his money back and tell him that we should each do what we can for her on our own? He causes me stress and I swear talking to him is pointless because he makes me feel like I’m the bad person.”
“I was always planning to throw her a party. Not a lavish one, but something nice in our backyard which I told her dad that he was more than welcome to attend.”
When asked why they consider these themselves not traditionally Mexican, the OP replied:
“I say that because a Quinceñera has a lot more to do with religion. You have to do the mass in my family, or the Quince is just a day to throw a big party to impress.”
“I’m not a practicing Catholic and my daughter isn’t baptized. You have to have your communion and confirmation done so you can get the mass.”
“Just because you’re Mexican doesn’t mean that a Quinceñera is automatically a given. No, it’s tied to religion.”
“I have family that is SUPER religious and I know how much it really means to them. My kids and I don’t attend church every Sunday let alone any Sunday.”
“I have talked to my daughter and told her I don’t feel comfortable throwing an expensive party given the fact her dad doesn’t have a lot of money and I don’t want to go in debt for it. Her dad said he’s already in debt, but if he was in my shoes he’d go in debt for it.”
“My daughter wants the big party because she’s seen her cousins who have had Quince’s, but not because she’s religious. I told my daughter that I 100% understand when girls (like my cousins) who are super religious (active members in their church who are part of the board) want one because it means so much to them.”
“My daughter isn’t doing it for that reason so it’s hard for me to justify a big expense.”
“I spend as much time with my daughter as I can. This month alone: took her and her friends to watch Wicked, went to Hobby Lobby because she’s into knitting, went to Barnes and Nobles to get some books since we love reading, and attended her Winter Band Concert last night.”
“This is just what I remember off the top of my head.”
“The party I’m planning to have is not traditionally a Quincenera because she isn’t doing the church ceremony, the waltz, damas and chambelan. The party is a nice puffy dress, DJ, catered food, and a cake.”
“I’m totally okay with doing it my way. I’m comfortable spending a few thousand on a nice backyard Quince for her. I just don’t want the pressure I’m being put under from her dad.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I feel I might be the a**hole because my daughter wants this Quinceñera and so does her dad. I think by me saying no, my daughter will think she isn’t deserving of one and my ex will think I’m being stingy.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. You should be having this party discussion with your daughter, not him. He’s not really contributing much of anything so he really doesn’t get a say.”
“If she’s wanting the whole nine yards, it may do you some good to lay down expectations now. Explain to her that it may not be possible, but that you’ll try your hardest, and then involve her with the planning process when the time comes.”
“Kids aren’t dumb, if you explain how expensive things are and give her a budget to work with, you can maybe both get what you want.”
“As for her dad, I wouldn’t doubt that it’s for his ego. He needs to contribute more if he’s not even paying child support.” ~ SGC6969
“If he really wants the full boat $5K quince, well, good news, he has 2 years to plan and pay for every single penny of it. He can throw it and, again, entirely pay for the party of his little dreams.”
“He can dip into that decade plus of never paying a penny toward his responsibility to his own child. What a wanker.” ~ shelwood46
“Just can’t believe how the father seems to think they can throw a giant quince with him playing the swaggering host to all his friends and family with him contributing a few paltry hundred.”
“OP, take him to court for child support! I get the impression you’re trying to be kind to this man, but that money is owed to your daughter—she’s HIS child just as much as his son is!” ~ Tamihera
“NTA, but you’re being way too nice to him. The deadbeat dad who never has supported his kid is disappointed in you? YOU‽‽”
“He should be eternally grateful you aren’t dragging him into court over and over since he hasn’t paid a penny for his child.”
“If he wants to throw her a quincenera, he has 2 years to save up and plan it all. He and his hundreds of family members can take up a collection if needed.”
“If you want to throw her a party and are the one paying for it, then it’s the way you want, not him. If he wants a say, he has to pay.” ~ Jerseygirl2468
Most expressed the same sentiment. If dad wants a big expensive party, he’d better start saving the money he isn’t paying in child support.
If OP is footing the bill, then the party should be what she can afford, not what he wants.