Having guests in the house can be difficult.
Will they follow the rules?
Allowing people, regardless of their background, to stay in a domicile can cause major upheaval.
One never knows who will throw out cherished items.
Redditor SaltDry1680 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“AITA for demanding money back after a friend threw away most of my kitchen utensils?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“So context: My husband has a group of friends who have been together since school.”
‘I moved to his country for work/study and come from a different culture.”
“We welcomed our lovely baby girl and are lucky to be in a country where parents can take a good amount of off time.”
“We decided to spend 2 months in my country so my mum could bond with the baby since she couldn’t be here when my first was born (Covid).”
“Coincidentally, a couple we know was returning from a trip around the world and needed to rent an apartment.”
“It was a perfect match; they cover our rent, and we can be relaxed since they can look after our apartment and car.”
“Well, once we returned, I noticed our kitchen was almost EMPTY.”
“I mean baking utensils, forks, knives, pans, cooking ingredients, casseroles, even utensils my mom brought from my home country for special meals were GONE.”
“I was furious.”
“I still cannot believe how someone can do such a thing.”
“She replaced one of two frying pans, and that was it.”
“We still have a few pans, but the specialty items to cook and bake different things are gone.”
“My husband allegedly talked to the friend, let’s call her Sarah.”
“Sarah acted like she did a favor.”
“Once she realized we were not happy, she argued she only chose those she could not make clean ‘ENOUGH’ were thrown away.”
“I say allegedly because my husband tends to minimize/diminish the issue to not cause waves.”
“I demanded she replace every single thing.”
“My husband is begging me to let it go, not to lose a long friendship.”
“I feel like I am in crazy town.”
“I mean, WHO DOES IT?”
“Especially without talking to the owners of the house?”
“If you don’t know what something is for, WHY THROW IT AWAY???”
“I cannot wrap my head around it!”
The OP was left to wonder:
“Am I the AH, and she was just doing a favor, or am I being gaslit to high heaven?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors feel that OP was NOT the A**HOLE.
“NTA. Friends don’t treat your possessions the way she did.”
“It’s not enough that she claimed they were those she ‘could not make clean enough.'”
“Perhaps she’s not being completely honest about that.”
“Any considerate person would have already replaced things that she felt she had to throw away.”
“I would have hoped that your husband would have supported you, but still.”
“You might have to face the fact that you won’t get anything else back from her to make up for what she threw away.”
“Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative.”
“It’s never a good idea to keep hold of negative influences because they’ll continue to cause you anguish of some kind or another.”
“The best thing, I think, is to consider you won’t get anything else back, and you may have to end a friendship.” ~ REDDIT
“NTA. You did not hire her to clean out your kitchen.”
“You did not ask her to clean out your kitchen.”
“She did not ask you if you wanted her to clean out your kitchen.”
“I don’t understand how you do a favor that was not asked of you.” ~ Dramatic-Rip5605
“Visit them in their new place.”
“I’ll bet you will find your stuff in their new kitchen. NTA.” ~ yhaensch
“NTA, they had absolutely no right to dispose of your property without permission.”
“Your husband needs to get his priorities straight.” ~ Urbanyeti0
“Wondering if she left crusty, dirty dishes, etc. in the sink for too long and then couldn’t clean the nastiness out.”
“She didn’t want you guys to discover she was a slob while living in your house.”
“Either way, you need to get the real story and make them pay for everything.”
“Go in your closets and drawers to see if anything else is missing too.”
“Lock down your credit too, just in case any paperwork or mail came she had access to compromise your accounts. NTA.” ~ Better-Turnover2783
“NTA. You don’t throw away other people’s things.”
“If they didn’t want to use them, they could have communicated as such, boxed them up, and put them away somewhere or something.”
“Even if in some universe she thought she was actually doing you a favor, a friend would apologize and try to rectify a f**k up like that.”
“She didn’t care about your long-term friendship when she decided to throw those things away and double down on it by trying to argue and justify her behavior, so that’s already not on the table anymore as far as I’m concerned, the ship has sailed.”
“The question is just whether she pays up, or whether you pursue whatever the legal process is there to get her to pay.” ~ RusevDayToday
“NTA… it’s concerning that your husband is not offering his total support on this.”
“Who goes into someone else’s home and throws their things away? Outrageous.” ~ RoyallyOakie
“NTA. That is CRAZY.”
“As is your husband’s reaction: how can he think that relationship isn’t already over??”
‘Man. I’d be LIVID.” ~ Oona22
“NTA. Are you certain she threw them away and didn’t just decide to keep your things for herself and then take them when they moved out of your home?”
“Either way, it’s not okay, and it’s bizarre behavior.”
“I think this friendship should be over whether or not she returns/replaces your stuff.” ~ Rose_in_Winter
“NTA, it was outrageous behavior.”
“My guess is that she threw out iron woks and bamboo items etc because she thought they were supposed to shine like silver… lol.”
“Anyway, she had NO right to throw away even the smallest, most stained, wooden spoon let alone all you described.”
“If you are the main cook, your husband can just stop, and yes, you claim recompense!”
“l wonder if your husband would be so laid back if they had used all his tools and removed the ones they didn’t recognize or thought insufficiently sharp or some such.” ~ Spare_Necessary_810
“NTA. If you are borrowing something, it is your job to return it in equal or better condition – or come to a suitable agreement with the owner to replace it entirely.”
“If they were not happy with the condition of any of your housewares, then they should have left them untouched and used an alternative for their stay.”
“If they ruined anything (plates get dropped, accidents happen…) then they should be apologizing profusely and offering to replace those items.”
“What they should absolutely, definitely not be doing is chucking out a load of your kitchenware without your knowledge and pretending they are doing you a favor – if nothing else you know need to replace a load of items you had no problems with before, but that doesn’t consider how many of those items may have been sentimental pieces inherited or gifted to you over the years.”
“Yes, you may ruin a friendship by demanding compensation – but realistically, they have already burned that relationship.”
“Would you want to socialize with anyone who unapologetically acts like they did?” ~ Nrysis
OP responded…
“Exactly what I thought.”
“If they didn’t want to use ours, they could buy new ones and use them and take them home.”
“But throwing away our stuff?”
Reddit continued…
“This happened to me.”
“I let friends — a couple with a baby — stay with me for about 4 months.”
“I then went on a trip, and when I returned, they had moved out (as planned), TAKING MY POTS AND PANS.”
“When I demanded that they give everything back, and asked why TF would they do such a thing, they said, and I quote: ‘But we needed them!'”
“I got them back.”
“OP is NTA. The friendship is trash.”
“Husband is being ridiculous.”
“Take them to small claims court.” ~ TipElectronic535
“NTA. That’s theft, plain and simple.”
“I’d file a proper complaint.”
“And so what if the friendship is lost?”
“Who wants that type of crazy entitlement around?”
“Plus, it means you have a freaking spine!” ~ Haztlen
“NTA. This feels like there might be some racism involved.”
“With the ‘clean enough’ comment and your mention of cultural foods my mind automatically went to wooden or white plastic utensils that have been in curry or turmeric or any number of similar spices.”
“They are stained but not dirty.”
“There’s no way to get the stain out of them either.”
“She had no right to throw away your things.”
“If they were somehow distasteful for her she could have bought her own set of utensils to use.”
“If she needed more space in the kitchen, she could have neatly boxed your things for the time you were away.”
“There were many options open to her before deciding to throw them away.”
“She absolutely needs to compensate you for the loss.” ~ spinningknitter
“You were robbed.”
“Her excuses don’t make any sense. It takes considerable effort to dismantle a cook’s well-stocked kitchen.”
“She even took the forks and knives for crying out loud.”
“I’m curious if her new kitchen happens to look just like your kitchen.”
“Sure, she may have the world’s worst case of OCD or did this to spite you.”
“No matter the reason, it’s still robbery.”
“I’m also curious why your husband isn’t as surprised as you are. NTA.” ~ concretism
“NTA. With what you’ve described here, replacing all of that could cost thousands, if not low tens of thousands, depending on how much high-end stuff like le creuset that you have.”
“Anyone who throws away that much of your stuff without replacing it is not a friend.”
“I’d also wonder whether they just stole it rather than throwing it away.”
“Seems more logical than that they’d be so lacking in common sense to throw away someone else’s belongings without warning.” ~ annedroiid
“NTA. That is WILD behavior in my opinion.”
“If I were genuinely worried about the state of those things, I’d pack them up and use my own while I lived in the space, not throw them away. What???”
Also, humans who try to ‘keep the peace’ when conflict is happening really aren’t awesome.”
“I’d personally talk with your husband about how much it sucks to feel indignant and have him telling you to get over it/calm down/keep the peace/see her perspective.
Yes, it’s important how we handle conflict, but his discomfort with how upset you are is an entirely different issue that isn’t worth ignoring in my opinion.”
“Best of luck OP, I’d be devastated if I lost some of the specialty tools I’ve amassed over the years.” ~ teenytinydoedoe
“NTA and I can’t be alone in wondering if those items were actually thrown out, or just simply stolen because Sarah liked the look of them.” ~ZippyKoala
“NTA for whatever you do: demand they replace all of it, end the friendship, take them to court, go further if you can.”
“A well-used casserole dish is a member of the family; a well-seasoned wok like a godchild; home country utensils are like a favorite auntie.”
“Throwing them out is outrageous.”
“I feel your pain.”
“Sorry to say it may take a long time to get over this.”
“Every special event will be a trigger.”
“I wish you well.” ~ Famous_Specialist_44
OP responded…
“I am heartbroken, and my husband keeps saying it’s just stuff.”
“I am usually not materialistic, so he is shocked I care so much.”
“But it’s not about the money.”
“One of those was a Couscous Maker my mom brought me from my country.”
“There were special items from when I baked cookies for my kids.”
“I know they were old and used, but they were still good for their purpose!”
“Kitchenware doesn’t always need to be shiny!!!”
“I already cried so much over it.”
“It feels silly, but it was important to me.”
Reddit is ready to fight with you, OP.
People and guests should not be throwing away your belongings,
That is out of line.