The past is never really over.
It can haunt people forever, especially when there are unresolved issues.
When certain subjects re-emerge, a lot of pain and resentment can be revealed.
Then getting certain people to see certain truths can be very difficult to manage.
A husband and father found himself in a personal dilemma regarding his stepdaughter’s reaction to his past connection to her, so he turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Crazy_Lawfulness_814 asked:
“AITAH for marrying my late friend’s G[irl]F[riend]?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“17 years ago, my best friend died in a car crash with his entire family, both his parents and both of his younger sisters.”
“He had a girlfriend at the time who was 6 months pregnant with their daughter Emily, we were all 20 years old back then.”
“Her family had cut her off because she was pregnant, and they all were super religious, so she was completely alone, which was so hard on her.”
“I stepped up and helped her here and there, but I was also just a college student back then, so I couldn’t do much.”
“Eventually, a couple of years later, because I was helping her with babysitting and stuff, we just fell for each other, and we ended up getting married when Emily was 5.”
“She started calling me Dad, which was so nice.”
“We now have 3 kids together, but Emily is still our baby girl, and there has never been any difference in treatment between her and the others.”
“I love her very much, she’s my little girl.”
“A couple of months ago, she stopped calling me Dad and started calling me by my name.”
“I was confused at first, but thought this was some weird teenage phase, but she didn’t stop doing it, she just never called me dad again.”
“Yesterday was my 37th birthday, and she didn’t even call me Dad then, and I just asked her in front of everyone why she did that, and she told me because I’m not her Dad, I’m just her stepdad.”
“She then accused her mom and me of cheating on my late friend, and that we were together even while he was alive, which is absolutely not the case.”
“We only got together years later, and there was nothing between us prior to that, and she called us liars and said that she doesn’t like cheaters.”
“I genuinely don’t get where she got that from, and why it’s only an issue now.”
“She’s known about who her Dad is, because I wanted to keep his memory alive, but I just don’t get how she came to that conclusion.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“Were we a**holes for getting married? I genuinely don’t understand her logic here.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
“You’re not the AH.”
“I feel someone has been filling Emily’s head with untruths.” ~ Exotic-Rooster4427
“Someone on her Dad’s side has told her this.”
“Maybe everyone on that side believes it and feels she was old enough to know.”
“I would have a polite conversation with them.”
“Everyone grieves differently, and they may have placed the ‘blame’ on you. NTA.” ~ jamoe1
“Probably someone on her mom’s side, given the details… Dad’s side direct family all passed in the crash, and Mom’s side disowned her due to the pregnancy.” ~ DrakonILD
“Is she only mad at you, or is her mom also?”
“If she’s still okay with her mom, perhaps mom should be the one to have a talk with her and reassure her about the true story.”
“Maybe your wife can also find out where she got this version of things.”
“I think you need to know the source.”
“NTA, of course!” ~ FormerlyDK
“Therapy, yes, I’d also see if anyone might have put some of these thoughts into her head.”
“If she knew for years, and now suddenly she thinks all this, maybe someone is putting these thoughts in her head.” ~ kayla_lynn1987
“NTA – Somehow, Emily put the pieces together, or someone told her something.”
“Not sure how she got to the conclusion of cheating, but maybe she has her ideas of right and wrong and probably assumed the worst.”
“I don’t think asking her in front of everyone was the move, though.”
“Probably should have handled that with everyone out of the picture, just makes it awkward for everyone involved.”
“But you’re NTA for getting married.”
“I just think maybe whatever you guys told her about her Dad, she was too young to understand.”
“You, your wife, and Emily should all have a sit-down to talk about it.”
“Let her know she hasn’t been lied to and that there was no malicious intent.”
“Tell her the whole story, or what happened and why it happened.”
“Allow her to gather the facts.”
“You were stepping in to help your best friend’s girl and his child – you guys had a bond, it wasn’t to sweep in and steal his life.”
“If she doesn’t understand, that’s okay.”
“In time, she will.”
“But nothing wrong with being her stepdad and recognized for it.”
“I’m sure it hurts since you’ve been in the picture since the very beginning, but it’s what’s making her feel best.”
“She might never call you directly ‘Dad’ again, but down the road you’re always going to be exactly that, even though you aren’t blood.” ~ Mischievous1993
“‘Or someone told her something.'”
“I was about to write the same.”
“Did she get in contact with someone from her bio dad’s family?”
“Or maybe Mom’s?”
“How is her relationship with both of the extended families?”
“It’s just too weird to come up with such a conclusion if she has known about her dad for many years.”
“She might’ve heard something, or someone intentionally got into her head. NTA.” ~ Ok-Effect5249
“Is there a possibility that someone else is in her ear putting some of those ideas about you cheating in her head?’
“I’d sit down and discuss the timeline of events with her and ask questions about why she has drawn the conclusions she has.”
“Bring in a therapist to help mediate/get her individual therapy.” ~ nw23reddit
“NTA. First of all, mate, you are the best friend every men whishes for.”
“You didn’t do anything weird with ‘a friend’s GF,’ you took care of the child and the wife of your best friend after a more than respectable time.”
“Who else would I wish in these people’s lives, when my time here is up too early?”
“I’d be smiling down from a cloud.”
“Other than that, it is extremely teenage behavior.”
“Would guess she saw/read something or talked with someone that put her on a weird idea about how you guys got together.”
“Did one of the other kids try to bully her a bit by having a different Dad?”
“Grew up in a patchwork family myself, and kids can be cruel without really understanding it, that’s why I’m asking.”
“That’s also why I say, I struggled a lot in my teenage years with the family situation, even so, looking back, my stepparent was awesome the whole time.”
“Just couldn’t appreciate it because I was angry, and it was the easiest thing that was ‘wrong’ in my life and lash out to and rebel against.”
“I also got back to being a reasonable human, and the relationship is great again.”
“Never a good move to ask her in front of everyone, but also a REAL dad move to do so.”
“She also is intentionally calling you by your name in front of people, so the situation gets a pass from me overall.” ~ ThrowRA_1234455
“NTA. You fell in love with a friend.”
“It happens, and you have nothing to feel sorry for.”
“Where your daughter got the idea of cheating from, my bet is someone has been in her ear.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised if it came from a cousin on the mother’s side.”
“Family therapy.”
“Make sure she understands the timeline of when your friendship morphed into something new.” ~ AcanthocephalaOne285
“Sending hugs and healing thoughts.”
“Someone has been lying to Emily.”
“Of course, you are NTA.”
“You are a good man who is raising a good family.”
“Get counseling for the rest of the family so her lies don’t infect the rest of the kids.” ~ cathline
“Not at all, it sounds like she’s heard some unpleasant gossip.”
“You actually have a really sweet love story.”
“She must be very upset by this as well; therapy might help.”
“She’s maybe going through it because she’s only just, as she gets older, coming to grips with the idea her bio dad has gone.”
“At any rate, no one is really at fault here aside from the whisperer, if there is one.”
“I am sure you two will get past this one, as you have a strong bond.” ~ classwarhottakes
“Someone is messing with her, telling her lies and fantasies about your and your wife’s history… a resentful old friend, a distant relative on her father’s side, or, more likely, one of those super religious (and often very hypocritical) relatives of your wife who thought abandoning a pregnant young woman while she was grieving her dead boyfriend was a Christian and morally acceptable thing to do.”
“You need to have a serious conversation with her; your daughter is an adult now and deserves to know about the past. NTA.” ~ Contract_Chance
“NTA. You honored your late friend.”
“I could rest easy knowing someone cared for the people I loved if I were suddenly gone.”
“Honestly, it makes sense you would fall for his then-girlfriend. “
“You both liked him, obviously.”
“I’d see if Emily’s grandparents are in contact with her.” ~ xenocide117
Reddit is with you, OP.
You are NOT an AH here.
It could be time for a family intervention.