Lesbian Bridesmaid Blindsided After Bride Demands She Wear A Dress Instead Of A Suit

What a person wears can often tell an entire story about who they are.

At the very least, many people just like to choose comfort in their wardrobe.

Part of wardrobe comfort is dressing in something that makes us feel good.

These choices don't always go over as well as we hope.

Redditor Dry_Air_4330 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.

She asked:

"AITA for being uncomfortable in a dress?"

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

"My (29 F[emale]) best friend (31 F) is getting married in about 6 months."

"I'm in the wedding party and would be her M[aid]-O[f]-H[onor] if not for her sister."

"I'm a masc-leaning lesbian, with short hair, and very androgynous style, think collared shirts and Carhartt pants."

"I'm a farmer and an outdoors person and my style reflects that."

"I don't think I own anything that could be considered chic or 'nice.'"

"Needless to say, it's been years since I've worn a dress."

"When she and I have talked about her wedding, we always talked about me wearing a cute little suit or jumper type thing, and she was always totally on board with this, saying 'oh definitely' and that that's the obvious choice."

"A couple of weeks ago, she sent a message to all the wedding party gals that included a note about what kind of dresses she wants us to wear, such as length and colors, and asking that we show her our choices first before purchasing."

"I texted her on the side and said 'I'm okay to wear a suit for the wedding, yeah?' and she responded with a long message that included things like how she'd looked up pictures of bridesmaids with suits (don't even want to know what she typed in to Google to find those) and how she thought it looked 'messy' and like 'an outlier.'"

"She said I could wear a 'flowy jumper with wide legs so that it looks like a dress' but that 'it may need to be a dress for the day.'"

"I was totally surprised by this and very uncomfortable with the idea, and also hurt by the words she used to describe the (assumed) one lesbian or N[on]-B[inary] in the bridesmaid lineup photos she found."

"I haven't responded yet but the tension is palpable."

"I'm not sure how to/if I should pushback, but the idea of standing up there in front of so many people I know (it's a big wedding) in a dress makes me cringe."

"My other friend I asked about it said she can't even picture me wearing a dress."

"I know it's 'her day' and that my outfit may, theoretically, detract some attention from her as I would be the only bridesmaid not in a dress, but is it wrong of her to ask me to go against my gender identity and comfort for her wedding photos?"

"Part of me feels like me wearing a dress would be equally as weird of a 'distraction' because everyone would be wondering why I'm in a dress, since they know me and my style/gender expression."

"I don't want to rock the boat or make this about me, but I want to show her that it's disrespectful and hurtful of her to ask that of me."

"It feels like she wants me up there as a prop, not as my whole self."

"Thanks for your thoughts in advance."

"I've never posted on Reddit but don't know who else to consult about this dilemma!"

The OP was left to wonder:

"AITA?"

Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:

• NTA - Not The A**hole
• YTA – You're The A**hole
• NAH – No A**holes Here
• ESH - Everyone Sucks Here

Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.

"NTA. You should be comfortable on the day of, and if a dress is a hard line for you, that's okay."

I would respond, 'I understand you have a vision for your day and that includes your bridesmaids wearing a dress.'"

"'Unfortunately, that is something that I'm really uncomfortable with for a number of personal reasons.'"

"'I don't want you to have to compromise on what you want for your day, so I would rather attend as a guest.'" ~ coastalkid92

"Absolutely this."

"It's the least amount of drama."

"You still show up to support her and celebrate her on her big day, but you can do so comfortably, and her vision of pretty dresses stays intact (which I think is silly but you know her big day and she is paying etc). NTA." ~ High_Lizord

"Sadly, I feel folk today need to have a canned response to any request to be a member of a wedding party."

"This would include things like what one is and is not comfortable with doing for the wedding and any financial limits they have."

"The whole culture of groom/bride-zillas ultimatums on clothes/hair/makeup/S[ignificant] O[ther]'s plus weddings with huge price tags expected to be paid by wedding party members is out of control."

"Especially when these things start popping up months after the request to be in the wedding party is made. NTA." ~ chudan_dorik

"This is a discussion you should have with her in private."

"Face to face."

"Not by text or email."

"Tell her you want to be there for her on her special day, but wearing a dress would cause so much discomfort that the anxiety would probably carry over into what should be one of the best days of her life."

"So you are respectfully and lovingly declining the invitation to be in the bridal party but will attend as a guest." ~ Sharontoo

"This. Don't show her options of what you could wear."

"Just very very gently step down from the wedding party."

"You are NTA at all."

"She's more concerned about the look of her wedding than she is her friend's comfort."

"Which sucks." ~ Fresh_Caramel8148

"Agree. But OP, be aware this will likely still lead to some strong emotions on her side."

"So I'd add something like, you'd still love to be part of any pre-wedding events that she's having, help her out with stuff, etc."

"To try to demonstrate it's not a rejection of her and you really value your friendship."

"Also, it sounds like at the end of the day you still want to be her good friend, so when you're talking, if she gets emotional, try to stay as calm as you can and not get angry etc, as that may lead to worse damage to your friendship." ~ Salt-Adhesiveness694

"She does want you there as props."

"That's what everyone else is during a wedding, especially a big one."

"Nothing about it and nothing during the day is about you, for you, done thinking about you/your feelings/your wishes/anything you."

"I'm not saying I agree with it, but it is what it is."

"I'd maybe go NAH since it is her wedding, and she's allowed to follow her 'vision' or whatever."

"Though she clearly can't be counted as a good and close friend."

"And you're allowed to not want to wear a dress."

"You can tell her that you accepted to be in the bridal party based on the understanding you thought you two had that you'd be wearing a suit or something, but not a dress."

"That you still want to be there for her and celebrate the start of her marriage, but it would be best you do it as a guest, since that way she can get the look she wants and you don't need to compromise on your comfort." ~ CinderellaGoneCrazy

"Where's the difference between 'it's the couple's special day' and 'couple owns you for a day?'"

"What can a bride ask from guests even if they are uncomfortable?"

"Dress, long hair, makeup, high hills, shaved legs, naked beach party?"

"People used to invite their friends to celebrate their love together and now it looks like couples invite people only to get aesthetic photos for Instagram."

"You are not comfortable wearing a dress."

"Why would you be AH for that?"

"You need to talk about it with the bride."

"Hopefully, friendship will be more important for her than aesthetics. NTA." ~ OleksandrKyivskyi

"NAH. You have every right to not want to wear a dress if you'll feel uncomfortable in it, she has every right to want her wedding party to fit her vision of the day."

"If it makes you so unhappy just go as a guest." ~ MTBpixie

"I think NAH here, I can understand you, but I also see where she's coming from."

"I think it would be something else if you identified as a man, but just because of 'style preferences'... Wouldn't kill you to wear a dress for a day."

"And I get the whole 'it's my identity' part, as I also have a very strong sense of identity in my style, I dress on the more alternative/edgy side."

"However, clothes are just that, clothes, and I would also find it cringey to stand before hundreds of people in, say, a flower-y dress with a big bow, but if that's what the bride wants, I don't think it's my place to ruin that for her and wear a black leather dress because it 'suits me better.'" ~ roronoa_sakura

"If the bride wanted her bridemaids to all wear low cut, very revealing and sexualised dresses, would you also tell them to suck it up, if some were uncomfortable?"

"People feel different about clothes, and forcing them to be unhappy and uncomfortable the entire day just for the sake of pictures is a d**k move. NTA."

"Also, I really don't get how a sharp suit or jumper in exactly the same colour could be destroying the aesthetic."

"Comparing it to flowers and bows against black leather is so out there." ~ _espen

"NTA. A real friend wouldn't force a friend to be comfortable for some kind of visual or whatever it is called."

"You are right that it will be more distracting for everybody else should you show up in a dress rather than a suit/jumper."

"How do I know?"

"Because I was in the same situation, and I was wearing a dress, I would have looked like a sheep in a ballerina tutu."

"I showed up in a three-piece suit with black converse decorated with flames (they fit the theme)."

"A wedding is about the pair getting married, yes, this is a party to celebrate with their loved ones, family and friends."

"Forcing people to feel uncomfortable because of style... I would decline the invite."

"I just looked up American bridesmaid in suits, and there are so many pics of women in bright blue and black suits with coordinated shoes, stylish silver jumpers, smoking-like suits for the ladies... there are options, she just doesn't want them." ~ toffifeeandcoffee

"Back out, respectfully. It is not okay to force you into something that is not who you are."

"It's icky."

"In my opinion, many people get way too narcissistic in the US about weddings."

"People should be there to celebrate, not to see a coordinated performance."

"Regardless, I think it would bring more attention to have you in a godawful dress."

"You'd stick out like a sore thumb based on how you described yourself."

"It's simply wrong to dictate you wear something that isn't you and makes you feel weird."

"Just back out." ~ bartlebyandbaggins

"NTA. A wedding should celebrate relationships, not force someone into discomfort for aesthetics."

"If she truly values you, she should want you to feel like yourself."

"Besides, I'm sure you can find a great suit that fits the overall look just fine." ~ Sofi_Bestie

"I think a compromise needs to be met here."

"What if you did something like this?"

"A jumpsuit, that when you're standing still, looks like a dress."

"I'm not saying this exact one, but something like it?"

"And if you're not comfortable with your back showing, a cute little top or jacket to cover?" ~ Tiggie200

"NAH. She is completely able to have her vision and make it work however she feels."

"You are able to feel however you feel about the clothing you're being asked to wear."

"But sometimes part of being an adult is knowing how to approach things like this."

"You need to talk face-to-face or at the very least over the phone in real-time."

"You both need to figure out how important the dress code is and figure out how to navigate all the options that need to include you not being a part of the bridal party." ~ k_princess

"NTA. I would hate to have a friend uncomfortable like that and you'll likely look uncomfortable in the photos."

"I'd rather have a friend look themselves on the day and in photos." ~ Outrageous_Delay_781

"NAH. She wants her bridesmaids to wear dresses."

"You do not want to wear a dress."

"Nobody is being unreasonable."

"If you don't want to wear a dress, attend as a guest." ~ letsplaydrben

"NTA, but I think you can meet in the middle and choose a flowy jumper like she suggested."

"birdy.com and other bridesmaid dress websites usually have a pants option for whatever color scheme is chosen." ~ Best-Scientist1995

Reddit understands your plight, OP.

It is your friend's special day, but this could've been handled better.

You deserve to feel comfortable in public.

Hopefully, the two of you can come to an understanding.

If you choose not to invest in this friendship any longer, that is also ok.

You have to protect your own sense of peace.