We can all agree that two people being so much in love that they want to get married is worthy of celebration, and having a nice wedding that matches the couple's personality can be a lovely occasion.
But the wedding industry being what it is, many couples forget the importance of celebrating their love with all of the people they love, rather than trying to create a scene that would fit into an aesthetic magazine, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor SalamanderThink737 had been close to her friend for a long time and was excited to be a bridesmaid in her wedding.
But when the wedding plans started to roll out and the price tag continued to increase, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure she could continue to commit to the wedding party, or maybe even the friendship.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by not being able to justify buying the brand-new, real leather cowgirl boots the bride wants me to buy for the ceremony?"
The OP watched in confusion and worry as her friend changed right in front of her eyes.
"I’m a bridesmaid in my friend’s upcoming wedding. Everything I'm about to say is very out of character for the bride."
"We have been friends for a very long time, and I have never witnessed her caring about the quality or price of clothing."
"She is marrying into a very, very wealthy family. Maybe that’s why? Her fiancé isn’t very materialistic, though."
But her friend's latest demand left the OP wondering if she could afford to be in the wedding party.
"Just recently, she texted all of us to say we need to buy a pair of cowgirl boots. It’s not really my style, but it’s her wedding, so who am I to complain?"
"I figured I would just buy secondhand. She told us to send pictures of the boots we were interested in so she could approve them before we buy. I sent her a picture of a pair I found on Facebook Marketplace. The boots were in great condition, only worn once."
"She read my message but didn’t answer."
"An hour later, she texted in the group chat saying we needed to buy 'new, real leather, quality boots' as her wedding was not going to be trashy. She gave several brand recommendations, all of which are extremely high-end."
"I texted her again separately to ask if she really meant brand new. Yep, she did. I asked where she recommended I look to find a reasonably priced pair, since I will probably never wear them ever again, and I also am not made of money."
When the bride accused her of being a bad friend, the OP wondered if it was time to step back.
"She told me I was being dramatic, trying to make her wedding look cheap and trashy, and being a bad friend."
She texted again in the group chat with three options we HAVE to choose from. They range from $250 to $380. I have already spent $400+ on my bridesmaid dress and jewelry."
"I told her I couldn’t justify spending that much money on a pair of shoes I was only going to wear once."
"She told me not to bother being in the wedding if I wasn’t going to support her vision."
"Am I really overreacting? Should I just buy the shoes and cut back on grocery spending or something?"
The OP felt increasingly confused.
"I honestly don't know where this is coming from. She owns horses but only ever wears boots when doing farm work or riding. Boots are not a part of her everyday style."
"The venue is somewhat rustic, but it’s not a farm or ranch. It’s all inside a building designed to look like a barn (that’s the best way I can describe it). The groomsmen will also not be wearing boots."
"I have talked to the other bridesmaids. There are nine of them, not including me. (It’s going to be a large wedding.)"
"Only one other girl is on the same page as me. The others are already purchasing their boots."
"The wedding is in one month. This is something she just now thought of. We originally were wearing nude heels. I already own several pair and she was totally fine with me wearing one of them back then."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some encouraged the OP to drop out of the wedding and potentially the friendship, too.
"Girl, quit the wedding. This bride sounds insufferable, and it’s insane to ask bridesmaids to buy this." - kittenasacat
"She already told you that her aesthetic is more important than your friendship. Why would you want to stay friends with someone that doesn’t want to be your friend?" - jadeariel12
"NOR. I've been in two weddings plus my own. The first, my mum made my dress, and the bride paid for all the updos and nails (I was a junior bridesmaid)."
"Second, the bride paid for the dress, shoes, hair, and makeup. She offered to spot me dinner at the hens, because she knew we were tight."
"I didn't have bridesmaids at all because my wedding budget was tiny, and it would never occur to me to ask them to buy their own dress, unless it was a wear what you want/already have deal."
"This wedding? Just. Wow." - Spellscribe
"NOR, f**k that chick! I don't even agree with people forcing people to buy bridesmaids' dresses. It's not like a tuxedo that you can wear to every formal event for the next 20 years of your life if you don't lose/gain weight."
"Tell her to find a new bridesmaid, take the $300 you would have to spend on some quality boots, and treat yourself to a spa day, boo." - Deer_Jerky86
"OP may want to actually reconsider if she wants to continue this friendship. Someone going off on you and saying those things over a pair of boots does not sound like a friend to me. Least not the kind that I would want."
"I'd drop out." - ShadesofShame
"I would absolutely drop out and try to get a refund on your dress. How in the world is anyone going to know if your boots were new or worn once? Will they all be required to show a receipt and show the soles to prove no prior use? Any bride who doesn't encourage her attendants to wear their new (to them) footwear a bit before the wedding to "break them in" is ridiculous."
"NOR. May that bride be cursed with ingrown toenails and smudged pedicures the rest of her life." - Sufficient_Public366
"I'd text her, 'In light of this expense, I won't be able to serve as a bridesmaid. I totally respect that you have a look at what you're going for and I want you to have it! I just can't make this work in my budget. I can't wait to attend as a guest and support you as you begin your marriage!'"
"But, maybe reconsider whether someone who treats people like this is someone who values your friendship, because it sure seems like she cares more about some wedding bullshit than her friends." - First-Energy2671
"This isn't the last ask. The bride is way too comfortable spending others' money. Next, while be the jewelry, the hair, and the makeup, all high-end. Then the destination Bachelorette four-day weekend, with mandatory outfits required. A shower (or two or ten) will need to be thrown, with specified non-trashy (expensive) decor, catered by her favorite, naturally. Gifts will be demanded, nothing cheap, must be from her registry."
"Time to run away from this before you're $5,000 plus in debt for this 'friend.'" - calminthedark
Others pointed out that this exceeded the OP's budget and likely wouldn't look good anyway!
"NOR. Being a bride and having a vision isn't access to someone else's wallet. Tell her you're happy to attend as a guest. If that's not good enough, you know where you stand with her."
"Also, cowboy boots and wedding dresses look podunk AF, even expensive ones. So she needs to calm down." - ChunkyPinkGlitter
"Finances aside, forcing 10 women you supposedly care about to walk around all day in brand new, non-broken-in cowboy boots? She's either exceptionally cruel and gets off on making others suffer, or she's a bird-brained nincompoop."
"NOR." - TalksAboutFlagstaff
"I don't know what the deal is with cowboy boots for the bridesmaids (or bride), I had to do that before (luckily they only cost $40 and were boots I was able to wear after), and I felt so wonky."
"She paired it with a fancy cocktail dress that did not look good. I had suggested we get lace dresses that would've looked better, but she immediately shut that idea down, so I shut my mouth and dealt with it." - Spiritual_Ice5079
"I'm a bride this year and basically said 'sage green-ish, and whatever dress you want' to my bridesmaids and would never dare do more than that. Your friend is being a diva and way too materialistic to even take seriously. She should be embarrassed, but I'd assume there's no one in her life who is honest with her. If she were to throw you out over boots, then she's not your friend."
"P.S. also to 'my wedding is not going to be trashy,' but she wants you all in cowboy boots. Please tell her she's the one making her wedding trashy and losing friends over it like an id**t." - Jeerkat
"If she complains that they look worn the day of? 'I wore them out on the town to break them in. Was I not supposed to?' while batting your eyelashes. (It will double as a polite 'F**k you and the horse you rode on. May it throw you down in the mud the first chance it gets.')"
"Trust me, OP, you’ll be ready to be done with the friendship by the time the ink on that starter marriage certificate dries anyway." - princessjemmy
"If OP cannot return the bridesmaid dress and attends as a guest only, I would wear the bridesmaid dress. When people comment, tell them you were a member of the bridal party, but because you could not afford to spend hundreds of dollars on new high-end boots that you would never wear again, the bride kicked you out of the bridal party."
"Don’t tell anyone in advance. Just show up wearing the bridesmaid dress and let everyone know who she is." - Successful_Voice8542
The subReddit understood wanting a particular look for a wedding, but the aesthetic and price tag of the wedding shouldn't get in the way of the love that the bride and groom share with each other and the people they've invited.
When people agree to be in a wedding party, they agree to be there to support and celebrate the bride and groom, not to have to take out a personal loan to do it.
Trans Man Considers Breaking Off Engagement After Fiancé Wants Him To Wear A Dress For Wedding
KimJane Photography/GettyImages
A lot of people often say, "Believe people when they tell you who they are the first time."
It's one of life's truest (and ignored) sayings.
Believe a person when they are drunk and spew words as well.
Often, a few drinks will help a person let loose on how they really feel.
And then take note.
Redditor dude-e23 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Hi, I'm sorry for the potentially bad English; it's not my first language anyway."
"I'm a 26-year-old male who recently got engaged to my fiancè, a 28-year-old male."
"For the sake of the story, I'm going to call him Mark."
"I'm a trans man, and this will be relevant to the story."
"Mark and I have been going out for 4 years, and I wasn't on testosterone when we met, and only started recently."
"Mark had never had any issues with my gender identity; he always respected my pronouns and my gender, or so I thought."
"Recently, we were over at his parents' when the topic of the wedding planning came up."
"His mom asked about our wedding outfits, and Mark, who was a bit drunk at this point, said, 'I want to put (my name) in a dress so SHE can be prepared for HER future wifey duty.'"
"I was stunned, and I could see how uncomfortable his mom was."
"I said we were leaving and took Mark home."
"It happened yesterday, and I'm genuinely thinking of breaking it off."
"I've struggled a lot with my identity, and a big part of my family cut me off after my coming out."
"Right now, Mark is at work, and I pretended to be asleep when he left, but now I can't stop overthinking small details like how he used some feminine term in bed or how he always hated when I cut my hair short."
"But maybe he thought it was funny, and he was too drunk to realize what he was saying."
The OP was left to wonder:
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"Yeah, so it turns out that this isn't the case."
"Please don't marry him."
"He fundamentally doesn't respect who you are."
"And to be honest, this would be a disturbing enough statement if you were a woman."
"You can't tie yourself down to this person." ~ HighRiseCat
"Yes! It would still be icky and questionable for him to say this if OP presented as a CIS female - but the fact that OP is a trans man makes it horrifying. WTF?!" ~ MarionberryOk2874
"NOR. I'm a cisgender, heterosexual married woman, so my experience with dating is very different from yours, but if my fiancé said 'She will be wearing a modest dress to get used to life as a married woman' or 'She needs to wear a low cut dress, so I can see what I'm buying' or anything along those lines, I would have called it off quickly."
"The dismissal of your identity is problematic as hell, but so is the little hint that married life will be radically different and not in a lovely, better way."
"Your wedding attire should reflect you, your identity, your values, comfort, and inspire confidence."
"You deserve that."
"Everyone deserves that." ~ ankareeda
"NOR, have a direct conversation with him about this, and don't get legally entangled with him."
"He shouldn't be thinking this is funny anyway; drunkness is not an excuse here, you're his partner of many years." ~ Fit_Square1322
"If these things that he says are coming out when he's drunk, that probably means he's thinking about these issues of your gender presentation, but he's not telling you what he's thinking."
"He sounds very emotionally immature and not ready for marriage." ~ GreenDirt2
"Bro, drunk words are sober thoughts with the volume turned up."
"Thought it was funny isn’t a defense."
"It’s a confession."
"He told his mom who he actually thinks you are."
"You survived your family cutting you off to live as you."
"You don’t owe anyone a second round of that grief because your fiancé can’t handle pronouns after 4 years." ~ BabydolllVibess
"Oh, my God??!!"
"Dude, that’s crazy. Please dump his as*."
"He clearly doesn’t see you as a man, and if you marry him, you’re resigning yourself to a life of being misgendered, and he’s probably gonna try and detransition you or feminize you (seeing as he wants you to wear a DRESS)."
"Also, I’m a trans dude, and I think it’s important that you hear a fellow trans man say this."
"You need to leave."
"You’re a man, and it’s insane that he’s trying to make you feel like you aren’t."
"The breakup will probably suck, but if you stay with him, it’ll be 100x worse." ~ mothmn_9
"NOR, I’ve learned drunk people usually speak more honestly than they mean to."
"I’d guess his mask slipped off; this is certainly grounds for leaving if he can’t accept who you are as you are." ~ Defiant_Tea_8722
"You’re not overreacting."
"I don’t think he actually respects you and who you are as a person."
"He called you feminine things all throughout your relationship."
"Maybe he never accepted you, and I’m sorry."
"I know that's a lot, but I know you will find someone who actually respects you and cares for you truly." ~ Due_Classic_4090
"Some people would tell you that people say things they don’t mean when they’re drunk. I think that’s BS."
"In my experience, it just removes their filter, and everything they say has an underlying truth to it."
"Knowing your gender identity and what you prefer, his words seem very disrespectful towards you and inconsiderate of your feelings, and being drunk isn’t a good enough excuse."
"If you have doubts, don’t just brush them off; trust your gut." ~ Kitchen_Process_8351
"NOR."
"I’m a cis woman, but my first serious relationship was with a trans man."
"Frankly, he was abusive, and I don’t even like or respect him, but still I would NEVER misgender him, because I sincerely understand that he’s a man."
"And I’m not an a**hole."
"Your partner is an a**hole." ~ tigalicious
"NOR. That’s a major breach of trust."
"Your relationship has gone on long enough for him to know that sh*t isn’t cool and is not a matter to joke over, even if he’s drunk (unless he has a drinking problem, in which case he needs to address that before marriage and work to make amends)." ~ Moist_Drippings
"NOR. It sounds like he might be counting on your gender identity to be 'just a phase' and that after the marriage, he’ll expect you to embody the 'wifely' role fully."
"He isn’t taking you seriously as a man, and it doesn’t sound like he’s actually on board for a homosexual marriage."
"Get out of there!" ~ Amwfgoddess
"NOR. My biggest concern is the potential for abuse - wifey duty?"
"Not even a conservative man says something like that."
"It's a pure trash statement."
"My first marriage was to an addict... 'DRUNKEN WORDS ARE SOBER THOUGHTS!'"
"😔 I'm so sorry. 🫂" ~ pashinates
OP returned with an UPDATE:
"I dont know if this is how you update, but anyway..."
"Mark and I are done."
"He came home from work an hour and a half ago, and I made him dinner so we could eat and talk."
"I told him what he said deeply hurt me, that I felt like he didn't respect me and saw me as a woman."
"He said that until recently he always saw me as a man, even though I'm the more feminine side (whatever that means), but since I've started taking testosterone, he realized he was less attracted to me and started to resent me."
"Which is f**king weird because my appearance didn't even change that much, and that he needed to take the 'lead' of the relationship again."
"By then, I had heard enough."
"I made it clear we were done and that this type of behavior was not okay and that it'll never be okay."
"That he had to go to therapy and work on his insecurities, but that I couldn't stay with him."
"At this point, he was apologizing and almost pleading with me to stay, but I really did not want to stay, so I took all my essentials and called my friend."
"I'm currently waiting for her to pick me up."
"I'm so confused about how someone I loved so much could betray me like that."
"I'll ask my friend and her husband if they can go back to take my other stuff later on because I really don't want to see him."
"I'm safe, my friend set me up in the guest bedroom, and I'm so grateful I have her."
"Mark and his family have been blowing up my phone."
"His mom, bless her heart, has only asked how I was and said that no matter what, she'll always see me as her son and that she's sorry about Mark's behavior, but his dad and brother have been sending me very insulting texts that included slurs."
"Mark threatened to 'go get me,' but luckily, he doesn't know where my friend lives."
"Honestly, I don't even recognize the man I was with."
"I'm thinking about moving to another city where I could live with my cousin until I'm back on my feet, but that's a whole other story."
"I'm planning to keep in contact with Mark's mom, and I'll be meeting up with her on Thursday."
"Thank you so much for opening my eyes and for making me realize Mark's behavior was not normal."
This is such a heartbreaking story.
So sorry you had to go through this, OP.
Reddit is loudly 1000% with you.
It's wonderful that you have love and support.
Stay strong.