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Lesbian Refuses To Dress ‘Modestly’ When Straight Roommate Invites Religious Date Over

woman in crop top showing exposed midriff
Boy_Anupong/Getty Images

Modesty is a term open to a wide variety of interpretations.

For some people it means just the “naughty bits” are covered, whereas others want every inch of skin obscured.

But most modesty concerns are gender biased against women. Areas commonly exposed on men—legs, arms, shoulders, collarbones, abdominals—are considered immodest for a woman.

A woman turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after her roommate asked her to dress more modestly.

Electronic_Gap9271 asked:

“AITA for refusing to dress modestly when my roommate has a girl over for dinner?”

The original poster (OP) explained:

“I [female, 24] have two roommates I’ll call Steve [male, 23] & John [male, 24] that I’ve lived with for about two years now. We all get along and the only life difference is that the two of them are both fairly religious and attend church every week together.”

“I grew up religious but took issue with the church for a lot of reasons, particularly with me coming out as gay. They have no issues with that and Steve even went to Pride in our city with me so I wouldn’t have to go by myself.”

“Recently John began to talk to this girl on a Catholic dating app and they seem to have hit it off. I’ve asked John if he’ll be inviting her over and that I’d love to meet her if he’s comfortable with it.”

“He shrugged it off the couple times I casually brought it up, but earlier today he asked if we could chat. He basically asked if I would ‘dress and act more modestly’ if he brings the girl he’s been seeing over for dinner.”

“He said he didn’t think it was appropriate for me to be wearing cropped shirts and ripped jeans if we’re having guests over. I pressed him on it since we’ve had plenty of friends and even family over with no issue.”

“All John kept saying was that he really liked her and wanted to make a good impression with his living space and didn’t want her to think he was living with people ‘that didn’t present themselves appropriately’.”

“I asked him if it was because I was gay and he hurriedly denied it and just said that as a 24-year-old woman I should dress more modestly when having company over. He wasn’t even inviting me to the dinner they were making, I was just going to be home.”

“My usual weekend outfit is a cropped band tee with a sports bra underneath and high waisted jeans that have some rips from mid-thigh to mid-calf. There’s no more than 3-4 inches of exposed skin of my stomach.”

“I told him absolutely not and that I wasn’t changing how I dressed in my own home and that it was rude of him to ask. I stood up to go and John then asked if I could just not be around Saturday evening.”

“My response was: ‘F**k that, I’ll wear whatever the hell I want and god can smite me for all I care’. I just left him sitting there and went upstairs to my room.”

“This request has come out of nowhere, and it just doesn’t sound like John talking.”

That was yesterday and I’ve since heard from Steve that the girl is coming over on Saturday. He also mentioned that John had asked him to invite me out with him for drinks so he could have the place to themselves that night.”

“Steve doesn’t seem to know about John and I’s conversation.”

“John has just been giving me the silent treatment, and Steve is now asking me if I want to hit a couple of bars Saturday night with his cousin. Which I don’t feel against, but I hate the way John is trying to just get me out of the house now.”

“I feel petty and want to just stay home, but I know that’s dumb. I’ve always had an OK relationship with John and I’m starting to feel bad for how I acted and am wondering if I’m making this into too big of a thing.”


The OP summed up their situation.

“I rudely refused to dress more modestly when my roommate asked me to when he was bringing a girl over for dinner. This refusal might make me an a**hole for not compromising with him.”

Redditors weighed in by declaring:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).

“NTA. If John has a problem with a woman dressing casually in her own home, he should not be living with one. This is an inappropriate request.”

“I don’t think being asked to vacate the apartment for a few hours is unreasonable if he is willing to do the same for you. I would establish that I expect to be able to bring girls to the flat and have privacy on occasion if this is the precedent he is setting.” ~ waltzingtothezoo

“NTA, but it is also a reasonable roommate courtesy to give John some space and go bar hopping on Saturday if it interests you.”

“Looking beyond the weekend, it is not OK for John to keep you out of your home or try to influence your clothing choices to make is new gf comfortable.” ~ quantumspork

“NTA, I think he doesn’t want this girl to view you as constant live-in temptation for him to cheat with. Maybe you’re way hotter than her and he doesn’t want her to be intimidated. Who knows.” ~ Finnegan7921

“NTA , it’s your home, dress how you like. It would obviously be polite to not be hanging around in the living room in your underwear if you know there are guests coming, but wear what you normally wear, and most certainly don’t be forced out of the building to ‘go to some bars’.”

“Which, as you clearly know, is just him trying to get you to go away so that your mere presence doesn’t offend his girlfriend. She’s going to meet you at some point wearing your normal clothes, what then…?” ~ Own-Kangaroo6931

“NTA, you should be able to dress however you feel comfortable in your own home, and if he feels that you reflect poorly on him, maybe he needs to find a different living situation. That’s a sh*tty thing to say to someone.”

“That being said, if you have any interest in keeping the peace, go out with Steve for drinks that night. Let Pious John have the place to himself. And wear whatever you want to go out!” ~ BunniesnBroomsticks

“John needs to find a new place to live which meets his puritanical standards. This isn’t an argument that’s going away, he insulted who she is and revealed a hypocrisy he can’t admit to.”

“He’s then triangulating her by using Steve to manipulate her. Guy’s an entitled piece of work.” ~ Which_Read7471

“I get the feeling he doesn’t care, but the straight-laced girl that he is seeing will, and if she finds out his roommate not only doesn’t dress conservatively but is gay, she will have a problem.”

“This won’t stop here, because he will continue to want this girl to come over, and continue to want the OP, to change as to not offend her.” ~ Jsmith2127

“If you do this once, that establishes that you are willing to do this in the future. It’s like in Half Baked when Kenny won’t give his fruit cockatil to Nasty Nate and says ‘I can’t! Then I’d have to do it every day, and I wouldn’t get my vitamins!’.”

“Also, I can’t quite put it in to words but it’s like he’s trying to present a lie to this woman. We all clean up for company and everything, which is fine, but he wants her to think you are something other than what you are, which is a little insulting to you.” ~ lizards_snails_etc

“Yeah, religious types like to force their hangups on people around them, but that’s just it—it is THEIR hangup, not yours. Nothing wrong with being yourself in your own home.”

“If you don’t mind being a little petty, then agree to go out drinking with the other guy and then come home early wearing something scandalous. Or, at the very least, lead with the fact that you are gay when you meet her to see if he was lying about it not being an issue.” ~ Grinch_who_stole_@ss

“NTA. Occasionally, roommates will clear out for an evening if someone has … ahem … a special guest over. Hell, I’ve done that favor for roommates on occasion, and roommates have done that for me.

“But this whole ‘dress modestly’ thing is sexist as crap, and so beyond reasonable favors for a roommate. Unless the three of you are hosting a fancy dress party or something else with a dress code, wear in front of his guests the same thing you’d wear in front of him.” ~ EnderBurger

“NTA. It’s not like you want to chill in your underwear when she comes over. It’s your home, and you intend to be fully dressed.”

“Obviously John is worried about something and I guess it has to do with this biblical thing. I get that you’re upset and kinda wanna be home when she comes over, but maybe just go out with Steve and have a genuine talk with John after the date.”

“Ask him what his problem is and that you also want to feel comfortable in your home, and feel like he’s ashamed of you (if that’s the case) and that it hurt your feelings.” ~ Saraejulia

Hopefully the OP can come to some agreement with her roommate or it may be time for him to find a new place to live.

Written by Amelia Mavis Christnot

Amelia Christnot is an Oglala Lakota, Kanien'kehá:ka Haudenosaunee and Metís Navy brat who settled in the wilds of Northern Maine. A member of the Indigenous Journalists Association, she considers herself another proud Maineiac.