Dealing with homophobia in your community can be a stressful and at times frightening experience. When a woman on Reddit found herself in this situation in her new neighborhood when a homophobic neighbor, she enlisted her more open-minded neighbors to help smooth things over.
But when the homophobic neighbor felt bombarded, she wondered if she'd handled things incorrectly. So she went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit for perspecitve.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by the name newhomoner22, asked:
"AITA for asking 10 neighbors to have a talk with a homophobic neighbor?"
"I didn't expect they all would..."
"But all did, one after another, and angered her more."
She explained:
"I moved to a new area with my wife and one of my next door neighbors had some rude comments for us, since I'm a woman too. Nothing too agressive, just petty little things like saying this was a family neighborhood and she didn't understand why we'd moved there."
"In a way that implied we were unwelcome."
"I tried to smooth things over by saying it was what we could afford but she got more irritated like I was saying her area was cheap?"
"Anyway, when we met all the other neighbors, they were a lot nicer and nobody else seemed to have a problem with us being gay."
"Now, in my experience, if someone is being bigoted, and you tell one or two people, nothing gets done. If you actually want stuff to be addressed, you have to be like the 'squeaky wheel' and tell everyone."
"So when I met the other nicer neighbors, I asked each of them or each family..."
"'Hey, I've felt so welcomed to your community. Except.. Janice next door had made some kinda homophobic comments, and I could use some help smoothing stuff over because I hate to start in a new place on the wrong foot'."
"'If you happen to know her, can you have a word with her? I want to work things out but I feel like she might be more receptive hearing it from someone she's known for years instead of a newcomer'."
"'If you do end up talking to her, could you let her know we don't want any trouble, we'd just like her to stop making comments about our sexuality or us not being welcome here...'."
"All the neighbors I asked this of were upset someone in the neighborhood had been so rude, and offered to have a word. Now, from my experience, if 10 people offer to help with something like this, maybe one or two will actually follow through."
"So to my surprise, they all did. Obviously a very different community than I'm used to."
"And after the sixth person brought it up to her, she blew up. I actually heard her screaming from the next house that she was fu*king sick of everyone coming to her house to lecture her, had the women next door sent them too?"
"And she screamed at the neighbor that had come by that they were the sixth person to come by for a 'nice little talk' and after 6 of them it wasn't a friendly chat anymore, and she was being harassed by everyone coming to her house."
"I came out of my house with my wife and she blew up on us saying that by sending every other neighbor I was harassing her. I said I didn't send anyone, anyone who came by was their own person who wanted to say something after I told them what she'd said to us."
"After that apparently the few neighbors who didn't stop by in person called or texted and she blew up at them."
"I went back in and apparently she made a Facebook post chewing us out but I didn't see it because my wife and I don't use Facebook"
"AITA for asking 10 people if they could speak with a homophobic neighbor?"
People on Reddit were then asked to judge who was in the wrong in this situation based on the following categories:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
As you might expect, they were firmly on OP's side.
"I think it's smart you and the neighborhood just laid it down from the get go. The 'two sides to every story' only has legs when there's history."
"You literally just moved in. Now there's no way for her to conceal her bias."
"No chance for a death by 1000 cuts, whispering in neighbors ears, masking her bigotry over petty complaints. You weren't trying to be heavy about it, but I'm glad they had ur back and made it heavy."
"This is literally your HOME. Nobody should feel so comfortable to impose on you simply existing near them."
"NTA whatsoever. She just mad a finding out what kind of neighborhood she actually lives in - a nice one." --hillyfog
"Even more than that. OP, what you did there, was you instigated the perfect response to bigotry. This community-wide reaction is exactly what should happen when someone decides to be a bigot in a community."
"It's sad that we're even discussing it, but it's still so rare that when it happens, we're left feeling like something's missing or something's wrong. The thing that's missing, OP, is apathy."
"Congratulations on your amazing new neighbors and your awesome new paradigm! NTA!" --JadieJang
"The fact that everyone said something means this woman is a known a**hole. It's hard for me to put myself in the neighbors position simply because I'm also queer, which would definitely affect my decision making."
"But in general if I had a neighbor that seemed perfectly friendly until someone moved in and called them a bigot, I would want to do my own investigation. Not that I would automatically suspect the new neighbor of lying, but because that would be surprising. I'd probably talk to other neighbors and try and figure out if I missed something."
"It sounds like everyone knew this woman was a piece of work and were more than happy to call her out." --Elaan21
"NTA"
"if she didn't want people to lecture her against being a bigoted a-hole, then she shouldn't be a bigoted a-hole! Honestly I'd get more neighbors on it as well!"
"Start throwing her language back at her! ('This is a neighborhood for loving and accepting families, why are you even living here if you have no intention of being either to us?')"
"Personally I'd start making a timeline of events and saving any comments she made against you (online) that you can, so that way if the harassment continues you can go to the police to charge her with harassment (or if the police won't help, a local pro LGBT advocacy group to pressure the cops)" --RailRoader17
"Anything other than the verbal abuse (and maybe that, even) would be considered a hate crime against a protected 'minority' i.e. orientation. Just saying, documentation isn't a *bad idea."
"Also, OP is NTA by any extent. Glad you found such an inclusive neighborhood. If 10 out of 11 neighbors are this progressive, I definitely need to move from this BFE rural midwest dystopia to your area..." --MsMistySkye
"NTA she couldve said nothing or just ignored your presence all together. She went out of her way be irate and homophobic."
"So 10 people went out of their way to let her know she's an asshole. But for you op it should be good to know the kind of neighbours you have though right?" --letsmakeathread
"NTA - you did nothing wrong. I can see why the neighbor feels ganged up on, because she kind of was (I'm just imagining the sitcom version with a literal line out her door to all tell her off), but it was unintentional that it turned out that way, and you and all your neighbors were individually totally justified."
"Unfortunately it sounds like things may have backfired a bit and now this lady has gone from relatively quiet bigotry to open hostility, which doesn't feel like a solid win really. Not sure where you go from there, but you're still not the a**hole, she is."
"Just be happy you've got other supportive neighbors. Honestly, given the tremendous response you got, I'm guessing this isn't the first thing they've wanted to go tell off the old lady for." --Gbdub87
"NTA and this was clearly not a first offense for her as far as the neighborhood goes, otherwise they wouldn't have all jumped in like this. The only place for me that this veers into ah territory at all is the idea that you were actually asking these people to advocate for you."
"You literally did sic the neighborhood on her. If, on the other hand, you just discussed with them how she had made you feel and they took it upon themselves to go have a conversation, it reads totally different. Either way, it sounds like you've got a great new neighborhood. Enjoy!" --Bozobozo11
Hopefully OP's neighbor can either learn to be a bit more tolerant or mind her own business.
Trans Man Considers Breaking Off Engagement After Fiancé Wants Him To Wear A Dress For Wedding
KimJane Photography/GettyImages
A lot of people often say, "Believe people when they tell you who they are the first time."
It's one of life's truest (and ignored) sayings.
Believe a person when they are drunk and spew words as well.
Often, a few drinks will help a person let loose on how they really feel.
And then take note.
Redditor dude-e23 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Hi, I'm sorry for the potentially bad English; it's not my first language anyway."
"I'm a 26-year-old male who recently got engaged to my fiancè, a 28-year-old male."
"For the sake of the story, I'm going to call him Mark."
"I'm a trans man, and this will be relevant to the story."
"Mark and I have been going out for 4 years, and I wasn't on testosterone when we met, and only started recently."
"Mark had never had any issues with my gender identity; he always respected my pronouns and my gender, or so I thought."
"Recently, we were over at his parents' when the topic of the wedding planning came up."
"His mom asked about our wedding outfits, and Mark, who was a bit drunk at this point, said, 'I want to put (my name) in a dress so SHE can be prepared for HER future wifey duty.'"
"I was stunned, and I could see how uncomfortable his mom was."
"I said we were leaving and took Mark home."
"It happened yesterday, and I'm genuinely thinking of breaking it off."
"I've struggled a lot with my identity, and a big part of my family cut me off after my coming out."
"Right now, Mark is at work, and I pretended to be asleep when he left, but now I can't stop overthinking small details like how he used some feminine term in bed or how he always hated when I cut my hair short."
"But maybe he thought it was funny, and he was too drunk to realize what he was saying."
The OP was left to wonder:
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"Yeah, so it turns out that this isn't the case."
"Please don't marry him."
"He fundamentally doesn't respect who you are."
"And to be honest, this would be a disturbing enough statement if you were a woman."
"You can't tie yourself down to this person." ~ HighRiseCat
"Yes! It would still be icky and questionable for him to say this if OP presented as a CIS female - but the fact that OP is a trans man makes it horrifying. WTF?!" ~ MarionberryOk2874
"NOR. I'm a cisgender, heterosexual married woman, so my experience with dating is very different from yours, but if my fiancé said 'She will be wearing a modest dress to get used to life as a married woman' or 'She needs to wear a low cut dress, so I can see what I'm buying' or anything along those lines, I would have called it off quickly."
"The dismissal of your identity is problematic as hell, but so is the little hint that married life will be radically different and not in a lovely, better way."
"Your wedding attire should reflect you, your identity, your values, comfort, and inspire confidence."
"You deserve that."
"Everyone deserves that." ~ ankareeda
"NOR, have a direct conversation with him about this, and don't get legally entangled with him."
"He shouldn't be thinking this is funny anyway; drunkness is not an excuse here, you're his partner of many years." ~ Fit_Square1322
"If these things that he says are coming out when he's drunk, that probably means he's thinking about these issues of your gender presentation, but he's not telling you what he's thinking."
"He sounds very emotionally immature and not ready for marriage." ~ GreenDirt2
"Bro, drunk words are sober thoughts with the volume turned up."
"Thought it was funny isn’t a defense."
"It’s a confession."
"He told his mom who he actually thinks you are."
"You survived your family cutting you off to live as you."
"You don’t owe anyone a second round of that grief because your fiancé can’t handle pronouns after 4 years." ~ BabydolllVibess
"Oh, my God??!!"
"Dude, that’s crazy. Please dump his as*."
"He clearly doesn’t see you as a man, and if you marry him, you’re resigning yourself to a life of being misgendered, and he’s probably gonna try and detransition you or feminize you (seeing as he wants you to wear a DRESS)."
"Also, I’m a trans dude, and I think it’s important that you hear a fellow trans man say this."
"You need to leave."
"You’re a man, and it’s insane that he’s trying to make you feel like you aren’t."
"The breakup will probably suck, but if you stay with him, it’ll be 100x worse." ~ mothmn_9
"NOR, I’ve learned drunk people usually speak more honestly than they mean to."
"I’d guess his mask slipped off; this is certainly grounds for leaving if he can’t accept who you are as you are." ~ Defiant_Tea_8722
"You’re not overreacting."
"I don’t think he actually respects you and who you are as a person."
"He called you feminine things all throughout your relationship."
"Maybe he never accepted you, and I’m sorry."
"I know that's a lot, but I know you will find someone who actually respects you and cares for you truly." ~ Due_Classic_4090
"Some people would tell you that people say things they don’t mean when they’re drunk. I think that’s BS."
"In my experience, it just removes their filter, and everything they say has an underlying truth to it."
"Knowing your gender identity and what you prefer, his words seem very disrespectful towards you and inconsiderate of your feelings, and being drunk isn’t a good enough excuse."
"If you have doubts, don’t just brush them off; trust your gut." ~ Kitchen_Process_8351
"NOR."
"I’m a cis woman, but my first serious relationship was with a trans man."
"Frankly, he was abusive, and I don’t even like or respect him, but still I would NEVER misgender him, because I sincerely understand that he’s a man."
"And I’m not an a**hole."
"Your partner is an a**hole." ~ tigalicious
"NOR. That’s a major breach of trust."
"Your relationship has gone on long enough for him to know that sh*t isn’t cool and is not a matter to joke over, even if he’s drunk (unless he has a drinking problem, in which case he needs to address that before marriage and work to make amends)." ~ Moist_Drippings
"NOR. It sounds like he might be counting on your gender identity to be 'just a phase' and that after the marriage, he’ll expect you to embody the 'wifely' role fully."
"He isn’t taking you seriously as a man, and it doesn’t sound like he’s actually on board for a homosexual marriage."
"Get out of there!" ~ Amwfgoddess
"NOR. My biggest concern is the potential for abuse - wifey duty?"
"Not even a conservative man says something like that."
"It's a pure trash statement."
"My first marriage was to an addict... 'DRUNKEN WORDS ARE SOBER THOUGHTS!'"
"😔 I'm so sorry. 🫂" ~ pashinates
OP returned with an UPDATE:
"I dont know if this is how you update, but anyway..."
"Mark and I are done."
"He came home from work an hour and a half ago, and I made him dinner so we could eat and talk."
"I told him what he said deeply hurt me, that I felt like he didn't respect me and saw me as a woman."
"He said that until recently he always saw me as a man, even though I'm the more feminine side (whatever that means), but since I've started taking testosterone, he realized he was less attracted to me and started to resent me."
"Which is f**king weird because my appearance didn't even change that much, and that he needed to take the 'lead' of the relationship again."
"By then, I had heard enough."
"I made it clear we were done and that this type of behavior was not okay and that it'll never be okay."
"That he had to go to therapy and work on his insecurities, but that I couldn't stay with him."
"At this point, he was apologizing and almost pleading with me to stay, but I really did not want to stay, so I took all my essentials and called my friend."
"I'm currently waiting for her to pick me up."
"I'm so confused about how someone I loved so much could betray me like that."
"I'll ask my friend and her husband if they can go back to take my other stuff later on because I really don't want to see him."
"I'm safe, my friend set me up in the guest bedroom, and I'm so grateful I have her."
"Mark and his family have been blowing up my phone."
"His mom, bless her heart, has only asked how I was and said that no matter what, she'll always see me as her son and that she's sorry about Mark's behavior, but his dad and brother have been sending me very insulting texts that included slurs."
"Mark threatened to 'go get me,' but luckily, he doesn't know where my friend lives."
"Honestly, I don't even recognize the man I was with."
"I'm thinking about moving to another city where I could live with my cousin until I'm back on my feet, but that's a whole other story."
"I'm planning to keep in contact with Mark's mom, and I'll be meeting up with her on Thursday."
"Thank you so much for opening my eyes and for making me realize Mark's behavior was not normal."
This is such a heartbreaking story.
So sorry you had to go through this, OP.
Reddit is loudly 1000% with you.
It's wonderful that you have love and support.
Stay strong.