When people are asked to be in wedding parties, they often react with an equal amount of excitement and trepidation.
The excitement stems from the fact that they'll be supporting one of their closest friends or family members on one of the most important days of their lives.
The trepidation stems from the fact that being in a wedding party involves many duties and responsibilities.
Not to mention wearing clothes that you will likely never be eager to try on again.
Redditor catlover9955_ was particularly nervous about what her attire would be at her sister's upcoming wedding.
Thankfully, the original poster (OP)'s sister initially ensured that she would be wearing something that she would feel comfortable in.
Until the groom's mother rejected this plan, demanding that the OP wear the same dress as all the other bridesmaids.
Leaving the OP to wonder if she even wanted to remain a part of this wedding.
After being called selfish by her family for this decision, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA For Not Wearing a Dress?"
The OP explained why she didn't feel comfortable remaining one of her sister's bridesmaids:
"I'm a cis masculine leaning lesbian that's literally had top surgery. I have not worn a dress or dressed feminine in years."
"My family is for the most part, accepting."
"My sister is getting married, and I am in the wedding party."
"It's already so incredibly stressful to find formal wear as a 5'1 person who wears men's clothing, so the plan was me to just wear what the groomsmen are wearing and get it tailored, and than my sister was able to call the company and get some swatches of fabric and make me a tie with the sage green floral print the bridesmaids are wearing."
"Well, apparently her future mother-in-law doesn't like the idea of me being in the bridal party and wearing a suit, so my sister wants me to just 'suck it up and wear the dress,' and I just responded with, if it's such an issue, I'm not going to be in the wedding."
"My entire family is basically insinuating I'm selfish for not 'sucking it up for one day' and just wearing the dress to make my sister happy."
"Should I just put my own comfort aside and wear a dress to make my sister happy?"
"Am I the a**hole here?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to wear a bridesmaid's dress.
Everyone agreed that the OP was not being selfish and that her family shouldn't have given in quite so quickly to the mother of the groom's blatant homophobia:
"NTA."
"The original plan was perfect."
"Now that your sister is catering to her mother-in-law, watching how the mother-in-law treats you, that can already see this being a problem."
"And your second option of you stepping down was perfectly fine as well."
"Because then that would take you out of having to conform to any of the bridal rules."
"The problem is is the mother-in-law still going to insist that you wear a dress even if you're not in a wedding party."
"So your sister needs to understand how this is going to affect you every time you have to deal with them, which hopefully will not be much there's going to be conflict."- Future-Nebula74656
"NTA."
"You should attend in the attire that is most comfortable for you and suited (pun intended) to your identity."
"Why is your family more concerned about one bigot's wishes over their own sibling/child?"
"They aren't asking you to go to a restaurant you don't like for someone else's birthday."
"They're insisting you erase your identity for the comfort and playability of others in one of the most anti-queer climates in the last twenty years."
"I'm sorry you are in this position."
"Whatever happens, I hope the come to their senses and say 'wow we can believe we asked you to do that'."
"'We're so sorry and apologize'."
"'Of course you should still be in the wedding wearing what we originally planned if you want to'."
"'We'll make sure you are shielded from MIL's BS so you can be part of our big day'."
"That's what you deserve."-cdkmakes
"Your family should be more concerned about why your sister is pandering to a homophobic MIL instead of telling her it's none of her business."
"NTA."- Individual_Metal_983
"NTA."
"It's not just your 'comfort' they want you to put aside, it's your identity. her mother-in-law will never be comfortable with your presence in her family."- gtrena1300
"NTA."
"Your original plan (groomsman attire in bridesmaid colors) is exactly what I wore in the bridal party for a friend, and everyone was fine."- MojoShoujo
"NTA."
"Even though the Mother in Law is contributing financially, it doesn't give her the right to dictate the dress of adults."
"It's not the MIL's wedding!"
"Additionally, MIL gives me homophobic vibes."
"Your sister needs to respectfully put her in her place."
"You shouldn't have to suck it up."
"They are disrespecting your identity."
"If they won't let you wear a suit, then tell them you won't be in the wedding party."
"Don't let them bully you cuz that's exactly what they're trying to do."- SaturdaysaremyFav2
"Um... why can't MIL just suck it up for one day?"
"If you were trans, she would be saying the same bigoted crap."
"What does your sister's future partner think of this stuff?"
"Ultimately, if they share the sentiment, this won't be for just one day."
"Also, why can't both parties be respected."
"If MIL can't handle it, and you are masculine."
"Why are you not going to such a problem?"
"These conflicts are always illogical."
"NTA."- Succyoubus
"Absolutely NTA!"
"I'm masc leaning lesbian who hopes to get top surgery one day."
"I refuse to wear a dress so much, so when I was trying to be straight, I was going to wear a Tux to my own wedding with a guy, lol."
"No homie ain't wearing a dress."
"It's just not us."
"They can say 'it's only one day' but then there's pictures and that whole day of being completely out of our comfort zone so you won't 'enjoy' the day."- Rubicon2020
"Sorry, but f*ck that mother-in-law!"
"Your sister should have immediately told her that's not going to happen."
"Both are AH."
"You, are NTA."
"Stay true to yourself."
"You've come a long way to get there, don't let anyone ruin it for you."- AndJustLikeThat1205
"NTA."
"Your sister should stand up for you and go with the original plan and remind MIL that it's the bridal party, and each of the two people getting married typically decide what their own attendants will wear, in conjunction with those attendants, and sister already decided with you that a suit with a tie that matches the bridesmaid dresses was the plan."
"MIL isn't the bride or in the bridal party and doesn't get to choose what the bridal party wears."-lawfox32
"NTA."
"Usually, I'm in the suck it up for a day camp when it's just a matter of wearing something that isn't flattering or your personal style, but this is completely different."
"MIL is trying to negate who you are as a person."
"This is worth a conversation with your sister about standing up to MIL about her values."
"She may as well start her marriage on the right foot, letting MIL know that she makes her own moral judgements, period."- 17Girl4Life
"NTA, the MIL should 'suck it up' to make her DIL happy."
"All of you have gone through all the effort already to make an outfit that fits the bridal party theme, plus you have the right to back out since wearing something that made you comfortable was taken off the table as an option."
"If you being part of the bridal party is so important, then you should be able to do it comfortably."- Ok-Philosopher8251
"NTA."
"They can't compromise on a suit that has the colors?"
"They are the AH."- Lostintranslatin000
"NTA."
"Your sister and you already found a good solution that matches the aesthetic and respects you."
"Her mother-in-law needs to butt out, and her husband-to-be needs to be the one to tell her that."- Ava_Fremont
Very few bridesmaids actually liked their assigned dresses, and they do tend to "suck it up" to support the bride on her big day.
However, there's a fine line between wearing a dress you don't like and wearing something that makes you feel genuinely uncomfortable because it's fundamentally not who you are.
As others have pointed out, the mother of the groom probably won't be pleased to see the OP in a suit as a bridesmaid or as a guest.
Something the OP's sister and family will hopefully realize before the big day.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp