Making a pregnant woman feel as comfortable as possible is usually a priority for a partner.
But that is not the case in every relationship.
Sometimes the pregnant person will take a backseat to in-laws.
When situations like this arise, the drama starts flying fast.
Some family seems to only cause discomfort.
Redditor BlacksmithLeather726 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for demanding that my husband pick my needs over his parents and let them feel cold for a bit?
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (35 F[emale]) am currently 37 weeks pregnant and due for a planned C-section at the end of the week (due to some complications with my baby)."
"My husband's (35 M[ale]) parents are here to help with the newborn baby."
"Since they have come through, all that has happened is that I now have to cook for 4 instead of 2 and clean up after everyone."
"But these are not the major issues."
"The issue is that they can't stand the cold."
'It's currently autumn where I am and going into winter."
"I warned them before they came that it would be cold."
"The house is heated to 20 °C, but that doesn't seem to be enough for them."
"And she complains about the cold at least 5 times a day."
"Now I have been running hot (probably because of the pregnancy), and 20 °C is borderline too much for me."
"I'm walking around in my summer clothes."
"I've asked them (and given them) extra layers to put on so they feel warmer, which until yesterday she refused to put on."
"Last night they visited some relatives (and I didn't go, as I was feeling too tired), and she took the opportunity to complain to my husband about how cold she's been feeling."
"So the moment he came home at night, he turned on the heater."
"I warned him that it would get too hot at night for me, but he said what else was he supposed to do, and kept the heater on."
"He turned it off before he slept, but it was so hot for me last night that I sweated through my clothes and bedclothes."
"And it isn't just this."
"When I said that we shouldn't have outside visitors till the baby gets his vaccinations (because of his complications) and that no one should be allowed to kiss him on the face."
"He argued with me over it, saying that if someone was sick, they would let us know and only that person could be excluded."
"He did the same with me when I said that the midwives insisted that the baby should be sleeping in a room no warmer than 20 °C."
"He argued with me that the kids in the tropics sleep in warmer rooms. "
"And when his mom randomly dropped in the middle of a casual conversation that she was going to be carrying out an old tradition for the baby on the 28th day, he didn't even object and just accepted it."
"Now we had discussed this particular tradition previously, and he was totally against it then."
"But when his mom brought it up, he said that if she does it, it won't hurt anybody and it'll make her happy, which is true, but I said that if we don't set any boundaries in the beginning, then more and more of these 'traditions' will crop up."
"What pisses me off about things like the visitors is that I'm only saying it to protect the baby, and it could actually harm the baby, and he still argues with me about it."
"He says it's just a discussion, but to me it feels like he thinks I'm being irrational and paranoid."
"I told him that I don't feel like he's on my team and I'm being forced to do all the adjusting while he looks after his parents' comfort."
"He says I should just adjust for a while till they can adjust to being here."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Am I overreacting here? AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Oh, honey."
"You having to cook for 4 people instead of 2 and doing all the cleanup already is a major issue."
"You are heavily pregnant."
"You should be the one catered to and not the one catering."
"Your husband is clearly a mommy's boy."
"He has repeatedly shown he will choose his mother over you."
"You need at least one person in your life who will put you first."
"He isn't that person, so be that person for yourself."
"Stop putting up with this nonsense. NTA." ~ Tanooki07
"NTA, since they can't just go home, maybe she can go to her sister's."
"Otherwise, OP needs to turn this around, don't cook for anyone, ask M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] what she's making for dinner, and remind her she's here to help out, not as a guest to be waited on."
"If your husband turns the heat on you, promptly go and turn it off."
"Tell them they can put on extra layers, or you can walk around naked since you're already wearing way fewer clothes than they are."
"Stop making things comfortable for them, and when they complain, remind them this is your house and they're welcome to leave, but you're done with their nonsense!"
"Tell your husband if he's not choosing you as his wife, then he's basically choosing divorce!"
"Time to draw a hard line in the sand!" ~ Ok-Knowledge9154
"LOL, my husband and I are opposite, and he still keeps it like a hot house 😏, despite my sharing the same logic."
"I give in because I remember the pre-COVID days in the office when I would get cold to the bone regardless of having sweaters, lap blankets, and fingerless gloves to no avail. It hurts!"
"Some days I'd have to go into the office kitchen and run my hands under hot water just to recover feeling."
"HOWEVER, in the case of OP, advanced pregnant women get the say, and others need to sort out their issues and not become part of the burden."
"Husband needs to sort out his priorities immediately before the baby arrives."
"A new mother should never feel second in her own home. NTA." ~ didilamour
"Yeah, if they are there to 'help,' then why isn't mommy dearest cooking and cleaning?"
"NTA for expecting him to support you and be on your side - he is prioritizing his parents' comfort over yours and your child's (when here)."
"I know you said they couldn't leave, but boundaries need to be set or they will continue to walk all over you." ~ RawrBez
"Agree with this."
"Just that part about you having to cook for them is already a big nope for me."
"They need to leave."
"I'm pregnant, 28 weeks, and will not accept anything other than me being pampered by my husband."
"Set your standards and boundaries higher, my love."
"You deserve it."
"You're making a whole a** human being in your body! "
"If your husband can't see that, he can also leave."
"I'd rather suffer alone than with people who treat me less than I deserve." ~ ACuppaTeaADay
"You have a husband problem."
"Tell him either they're here to help, so he and they do the laundry, shopping, cooking, and cleaning, or they leave and HE does these tasks."
"You're done caring for 2 extra people."
"You could make him wear a 50lb vest for the weekend, can't take it off, so he gets a very (very) small taste of what you're going through." ~ utahforever79
"Go to your parents and remain there until your parents leave."
"And allow no rituals." ~ Medusa_7898
"100% this OP."
"I really feel for you, during my pregnancy I had to have the aircon on at 18C and a fan at night due to body temperature."
"My partner adjusted to more blankets and also organised a second cooling unit for me 😅."
"You're 37 weeks pregnant and you mentioned complications, honestly, you should be being looked after and catered to right now, and your husband should be putting you and the baby first."
"I'm surprised at your self-control, because most people would have pregnant hulked out - nothing scarier than an angry mama to be!" ~ Minute-Chain8334
"NTA. As a fellow pregnant woman, I keep my house at 14C, and everyone else can suck it up."
"They want the heat on?"
"They can leave, or you just start walking around in a nursing bra and panties."
"It's YOUR house, YOUR pregnancy, YOUR needs that matter."
"Not the moms."
"As for setting boundaries?"
"That's absolutely correct, and if your husband isn't going to support you, then he can get out."
"You're protecting your BABY."
"It has NO IMMUNE SYSTEM."
"Personally, we aren't allowing any visitors for 6 weeks."
"We aren't telling anyone when I go into labor, so nobody just shows up when they want."
"When we have visitors, they will be FULLY VACCINATED."
"I'm sure I won't be the only one voicing my opinion in this manner, so feel free to show this post and these comments to your mama's boy husband to try and get it through his thick head." ~ gabrigor
"NTA - you don't have an in-laws problem, you have a husband problem."
"As for the heat, absolutely not."
"If necessary, he could go get them a portable heater."
"OP who is coming to the hospital... Because I think in-laws are going to try to come with you, and you'd better tell them your plans now." ~ eyeofthecorgi
OP returned to chat...
"1: My husband has been generally supportive throughout my pregnancy and the complications we've had with the baby."
"His parents are nice people, and I generally like them."
"They've travelled halfway across the world to be here and can't be told to go back just like that."
"He's trying to keep the peace, but all compromises seem to be falling on me."
"Usually it would have been my folks who came to help, but my mum passed away a couple of years ago, and my sister will be here in February to help out."
Reddit is 1000% with you, OP.
Your husband needs to step up.
You and your baby are the priority.
Situations like this will only get worse with time.
Good luck with everything.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp