Those who struggle with their mental health, especially depression, can confirm that joking around, while enjoyable, probably isn't enough to keep the symptoms at bay.
But that won't stop some people from trying, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Playful-Comfort-8050 made it her responsibility to cheer her chronically depressed mother up by making jokes and keeping the atmosphere light and humorous.
When her husband tried to help and used slightly more vulgar humor, the Original Poster (OP) was horrified.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting about my husband farting on my sad mom?"
The OP made it her responsibility to make her mother feel better.
"My mother has been chronically depressed since I was six years old, and I started using humour early on to cheer her up."
"As a result, our relationship is marked by utter silliness."
"I always aim to make her laugh, especially via slapstick comedy, which she loves."
The OP's husband understood and respected their relationship.
"I've been with my husband for about four years. My mom and him aren't very close, mostly because we live a few hours from her and don't get to see her very often. They also don't Facetime or call unless necessary."
"Over time, he's understood our mother-daughter dynamic."
"He always hears me goofing about with her and recognizes her as a kind, warm woman."
"He also knows about her depression."
But the OP did not appreciate her husband's attempt at getting involved.
"However, when we visited her this past weekend, my husband did the unfathomable."
"Things were going fine initially, we were exchanging jokes, and the overall vibe was warm."
"But while returning from the bathroom about an hour in, my husband literally bent over her side of the couch and RIPPED A MONSTROUS FART in her direction, about a foot away from her face."
"He chuckled and walked away like it was a genius move."
"I could NOT believe it. I kid you not, my mom literally had a look of horror like when she heard her Chinchilla had to be put down."
"When he realized his fart bit didn't land, he apologized profusely, but that didn't fix anything because the rest of the visit was excruciatingly awkward and quiet, interspersed with reality TV sounds."
"I knew my mom's depression was biasing her towards thinking the fart was malicious. Unfortunately, I was SO SHOCKED that I couldn't spit out an excuse on his behalf right then. On his end, he was completely checked out."
The OP, still mortified, tried to do damage control.
"When my husband and I got back in the car, I went berserk on him, pressing him on why he thought it was okay to fart on my sad mother."
"He explained that he thought she enjoyed that type of humour."
"I had to explain that THEIR relationship was NOT like our 32-year-old mother-daughter relationship, and that he did not have free license to FART ON MY MOTHER. Additionally, throughout my life, I have done ALL sorts of slapstick comedy, but never THAT."
"I called her after we got home. As expected, she thought he had farted out of hatred, but was okay after I explained everything."
"I am taking distance from my husband for the next couple of days as I wrap my head around this incident. I am still pretty upset."
"He said he's taking some time to reflect and has been sympathetic towards my needing space."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Honestly, some could not help but laugh or feel secondhand embarrassment at the situation.
"OP, I know you're hurting right now, but 'Pressing him on why he thought it was okay to fart on my sad mother' is an amazing sentence." - molly_menace
"'She thought he had farted out of hatred' has me in a chokehold." - WeirdoChickFromMars
"This may be one of the best quotes on the entire internet. No offense to OP, but WOW, unintended Comedy Gold." - ZopyrionRex
"Crazy that he still had a massive fart in the barrel when returning from the toilet. Maybe he was in there trying to make some room for optimum air flow. The possibilities are endless." - FirstTasteOfRadishes
"Farted out of hatred, oh my god, I'm dead."
"Because really, he actually farted out of love and affection! If you pay close attention, you can tell the emotion by the smell. (I'll see myself out.)" - Conscious-Card5611
"I’m saving this to read to my husband the story and comments. We will be laughing tomorrow, that’s for sure. I don’t think I can quit laughing right now." - piggy__wig
But others reassured the OP that everything would be okay.
"I’m sorry, but the whole thing was worded in such a way that it’s just hilarious. But I suffer from depression myself, and I totally understand where your mom is coming from. And I’m so sure that I understand your side also."
"My daughter deals with my depression with humor, too. It’s a defense a lot of people use. She might like comedy, but being farted upon is not comedy. It’s bathroom noise."
"Maybe all three of you guys should sit down and really talk about this, what’s funny, appropriate, etc. You know how men like flatulence. He probably thought he was hilarious."
"Your dynamic between the three of you needs some serious attention and respect, and the only way I know to do that is to communicate. I hope it all works out for the best." - christiesmom
"Poor OP, always having to put on a show. The husband tried to help but made it worse instead. I do think OP is YOR, though. It was a fart, for goodness sake." - XanaxWarriorPrincess
"I'm sorry, I cannot stop laughing. YOR."
"I agree, terribly inappropriate to fart on anyone and worth reaming him in the car after, but, and I hate to say this, it sounds like it came from a place of caring. Laugh this one off, and I'm sure he’ll never do it again." - Blonde-Raccoon
"I hope this becomes something they laugh at for years to come." - PMinTX
"YOR. 'THEIR relationship was NOT like our 32-year-old mother-daughter relationship.' But he tried."
"For that, you went berserk on him. Now you need space and time away from him. Not only are you overreacting, but you’re being dramatic about it. It was a fart. It wasn’t anything racist, sexual, or hateful. It was simply a fart." - Mark7116
"YOR. He misjudged the situation and surely has learned his lesson. Honest, forgivable mistake.
OP could have addressed it when it happened and explained to her mom that he was trying to be funny. That was what I immediately thought, OP should have too!" - GreenEyed_Lady
"You guys are so dramatic! This could be a classic funny family story."
"Taking days away from her husband over a fart. Glad I am not in that marriage..." - Contemplating_Prison
"While for the moment, yes, I get that the OP is upset, but it wasn’t a malicious move, or even remotely mean, so move on, and laugh. It’s a funny bodily function! We don’t have many!" - Adventurous-Bid-9341
What was more important was the OP's mother sorting out her mental health on her own.
"He said he was sorry and feels bad. It’s up to you to either accept his apology or not."
"The bigger issue is that you seem to feel responsible for your mom’s emotions. That isn’t healthy for you or her. I hope she is getting real help and that you get help for your codependency and enabling." - Grimalkinnnn
"I truly can't imagine an environment where this won't be immediately laughed off. OP describes the vibe with her mother at length. Are they lying? Their mom actually thought it was a middle finger? For hours??" - saxguy9345
"The fart thing is weird, but I am way more concerned about how you feel like you need to make your mom laugh. I’m sure this feels like a normal way you care for your mom, but it’s actually really inappropriate for a child to feel responsible for their parent’s mood."
"As a parent, I step in when I think my kids are trying to jolly me out of a bad mood. I want them to know that it’s safe when other people around you have upset feelings, that everyone is upset sometimes, and that I may feel sad now, but I will feel better soon. That empathy or a hug is kind, but they don’t need to fix things." - ExistenceOfCranberry
"It's just a s**tty situation all the way around, but don't punish your husband forever. He admitted he was wrong and feels sorry and even understands you needing space, but OP, your mother is a grown woman. You’ve already done damage control; it’s time to move on and chalk it up to a poor decision." - Independent_Peak8500
"That title alone is hilarious. The fact that you had to 'take space' over something as stupid as this is also hilarious. Or it might be a sign that there are bigger issues in the relationship. I'm guessing a depressed mom making her daughter feel anxious about interactions and codependency could be the answer." - QueenofDarkness5
"He thought it would be funny, and when he realized it wasn’t, he apologized. YOR and so is your mother."
"I think OP doesn't realize how unhealthy the relationship with her mother is."
"A six-year-old child needs to start doing a silly routine to make sure mommy doesn't cry in her dinner? Frankly, unhealthy is the least of the words I could use." - Stormtomcat
This is one of those situations that's mortifying in the moment but in most cases becomes something hilarious to reflect back on in years to come.
Hopefully, the OP and her mom will be able to laugh at this someday, but they might need to work on their relationship, centered around her mom's depression, before they can do that.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp