It goes without saying that weddings are expensive.
As a result, as much as it often pains brides and grooms, they must eventually decide who is and isn't worthy of making the cut and earning a spot at their weddings due to cost.
More often than not, crowd control often results in friends of the bride and groom being unable to bring their significant others, forcing them to go dateless.
Redditor SneakyGooseGirl was a bit disappointed when she learned she would be unable to bring her boyfriend to a wedding where she was going to be maid of honor.
Initially, the original poster (OP0 was able to brush it off, assuming this was a money-saving measure.
However, it soon became clear to the OP that this was not the case, and the reason for her boyfriend's exclusion made her so angry that she ended up skipping the wedding altogether.
Fearing that she may have overreacted, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for ditching a wedding that I was the maid of honor in because the bride tried to set me up with the best man?"
The OP explained why she ultimately simply couldn't fulfill her maid of honor duties:
"I (20 F[emale]) was supposed to be the maid of honor at a wedding a few weeks ago."
"I ended up just leaving and going home to my boyfriend of 6 years after the bride (22 F[emale]) and groom tried to set me up with the best man (28 M[ale])."
"When my friend got engaged last year I was excited for her and even more excited when she asked me to be the maid of honor."
"As invites went out, though, she asked me not to bring my boyfriend to the wedding."
"I was really upset about that, but my boyfriend talked me down, telling me that weddings were expensive and they were probably trying to keep the guest list down, and they didn't really know him, so it would be fine for me to go without him."
"That made sense to me so I didn't say or do anything after that and just continued with helping as I could as the maid of honor."
"Nothing else really concerning happened again until a couple of days before the wedding."
"The bride asked me to give the best man a ride to and from the wedding which was about a 4 hours drive."
"I thought it was just part of it as he was a veteran and had his own issues surrounding that."
"So I gave him a ride up to the Airbnb that we were staying at before the wedding."
"The whole time he tried to make conversation that was just weird to me, and I was just not into it and just trying my best to be nice to him."
"At the Airbnb with everyone, I immediately noticed things were off."
"All of the other bridesmaids had their boyfriends there, and things were really awkward when I found out I was in a room with the best man."
"The next day before the rehearsal dinner, the bride and groom cornered me in a room to say that the best man was an incredible guy and that I was blowing him off without really giving him a chance."
"I told him well of course not I have a serious long term boyfriend which y'all specifically told me not to bring."
"Then the bride cut in and told me we'll that really isn't that serious since he hasn't proposed in so long."
"I argued back that it was because we were both still in school."
"We continued arguing for a little while before I finally just said forget I'm going home."
"I got called all sorts of awful names going out of the room and packed up and left."
"I got a lot of calls on the way home, which I ignored until my boyfriend called."
"Apparently, the bride called him and told him I just left for no reason, and he called to check in on me."
"I told him everything that had happened, and he was kind of dumbstruck by it all."
"Anyways, after the wedding, I've had the bride, the groom, and a lot of their friends call or message me telling how horrible of a person I was for just leaving the night before the wedding for no reason."
"None of them were receptive to my side of things, and it's starting to worry me that maybe I overreacted by just leaving like that."
"I started dating my bf in high-school, he's 2 years older than me my friends don't really know my bf since he doesn't go to the same school as us and when we do see each other it's usually half way between our schools."
"Anyway AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for skipping the wedding.
Everyone agreed that the Bride was way out of line trying to set the OP up with the Best Man knowing she was currently attached, completely justifying the OP skipping the wedding, with others pointing out that even if the OP was single, having her share a room with a man she had never met was creepy and bizarre:
"They had you sharing a room with a stranger?"
"You were supposed to sleep there, shower there, get dressed there?"
"Is the best man the groom's best friend?"
"Did they have fantasies of you marrying him, buying a home next door to them, and raising your children together?"
"NTA."- QuietCelery7850
"'No reason?'"
"'I'm sorry to say, whoever you heard that from lied to you'."
"'The reason I left is that the bride attempted to force me to share a room with a man other than my boyfriend, repeatedly insulted me and my relationship, and made me feel generally unsafe and disrespected'."
"'I was so devastated'."
"'I thought she asked me to be her MOH because she thought of me as a close friend, but now it seems like she only did it to attempt to force me into a sexual relationship with a practical stranger'."
"NTA."
"The bride literally doesn't care about your feelings, so you weren't really her MOH, just a prop she was using to further some other goal."
"Without knowing more about the situation, I can't be sure whether it was because she was prioritizing the best man over you or whether it's because she genuinely believes your boyfriend is bad for you (and therefore was just trying to replace him with anyone else), but either way, that is a completely unacceptable way to treat another person."
"Her behavior would have been appalling if you had been a stranger. The AH-ish-ness is off the charts since she was supposedly your friend."
"And anyone who can't see that either doesn't know the whole story or else is proving themselves to be an AH as well."- DinaFelice
"NTA."
"This is so bizarre, and I feel bad for the poor best man who probably has no idea that OP has a boyfriend."
"But even if she was single and it was a legitimate set up- I find is so creepy that OP was expected to share a room with a man she doesn't know- and she wasn't even told about it first."
"There is also a pretty decent age gap to set a 20-year-old up with a 28-year-old without even telling her it's a setup."
"And it's hardly shocking that the BF hasn't proposed- 6 years is a long time to be dating, except they would have started going out as kids."
"They are still young and starting their lives together. Marriage could be years off."- Fianna9
"NTA."
"It's freaking unbelievable and she lost all loyalty from you when she actively tried to f up your life."
"Knowing she was wrong she tried to tell everyone that you just left for no reason (tactic of all guilty people to control the crowd and pressure you to apologize)."
"Please tell me your boyfriend does support you in this decision."
"Don't worry about what these jerk friends are saying to you because 1- they are jerks and 2- who wants friends that do this or think what they did was ok."- youmustb3jokn
"NTA."
"Good for you, OP!"
"What they did was incredibly creepy and dangerous."
"You're 20... he's 28, first of all, and a total stranger to you."
"It is NOT OK that they put you in the same room."
"I would have left immediately as soon as I found that out."
"They disrespected you and your relationship."
"Your boyfriend was even kind enough to encourage you to even go to the wedding without him!"
"You did not overreact."
"You reacted appropriately, later than what I would."
"This internet stranger is proud of you for standing up for yourself and getting yourself out of a terrible situation."
"These people are not your friends and tried to pimp you out essentially."- lenajlch
It's hard to imagine how the bride could possibly have expected the OP to stay at her wedding and celebrate her nuptials when she so blatantly disrespected her own relationship.
Though not as unfathomable as the bride thinking it was OK for the OP to share a room with a man she had never met, no matter the circumstances.
Even if she didn't stay for the wedding, the OP still managed to live up to her title, as she was one of the only people to do what was truly the honorable thing.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp