The relationship between stepchildren and stepparents is always a delicate one.
For children, no matter their age, seeing their parents remarry is often a reminder that their parent's marriage didn't work out... or of the loss of their parent.
In most cases, though, stepchildren eventually grow to love their stepparents as if they were their biological parents.
Such seemed to be the case for Redditor nuke_euler, who all but raised his wife's three children from a previous marriage.
However, after his wife passed away, the original poster (OP)'s relationship with his stepchildren became a bit more fraught, particularly after he decided to sell his late wife's home.
The repercussions even resulted in the OP excluding his stepchildren from his wedding, causing a further rift.
Wondering if he had gone too far, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for disinviting my late wife's children from my wedding?"
The OP explained how the sale of his late wife's house managed to put an end to his relationship with his stepchildren.
"About a year ago, my wife (Anna, 60 F[emale]) of 25 years passed away, 8 months after being diagnosed with cancer."
"Besides our 25-year-old son (Andrew), she also had 3 other children (Allison 42 F, Barbara 40 F, Caleb 39 M[ale]) from a prior marriage."
"Their father was never really around, so I (52 M) have raised them as my own basically ever since I married their mom."
"Anna's cancer was very difficult for me financially, and I wound up having to downgrade my car to pay for medical bills, and make withdrawals from my 401k, and take on a lot of debt."
"Shortly after Anna died, I met another woman, Beth (49 F), who I have since married."
"Given that we're living together in Beth's house, selling Anna's house made a lot of sense."
"When we were packing up the house, I asked Anna's kids if they wanted anything, and they said they didn't."
"I invested a large amount of money renovating the house and getting it ready to sell, and eventually found a house-flipping company that would take it on."
"On the day of the closing, I was surprised to find out that Allison had sent an email to the lending company, telling them that she had been reading up on state law and that since Anna's kids weren't mine, they were entitled to the portion she would have gotten from the sale."
"Turns out she was right."
"I feel like Anna's children deliberately chose to kneecap me, but they're insistent that Allison didn't know what was going on and was just asking questions."
"I should have been able to take the money Anna and I had saved up and start a new life, but now I'm probably going to have to sell the new motorcycle I just bought and have long wanted, and I'm not going to be able to get myself out of debt."
"This was supposed to be a fresh start for me, and now I'm stuck with the same old problems I've always had."
"The day of the eventual closing, I was still extremely upset, so when I woke up for work, I texted Allison, Barbara, and Caleb and let them know that I'd also been doing my own reading about our state's laws, and it turns out I'm not actually their father, and they should work on their relationship with the person who actually is."
"I also told them they were no longer welcome at my wedding, which was the next weekend."
"Upon finding out I had said that, Andrew was extremely upset with me."
"We met for lunch the following day, and I asked him to be my Best Man, but he told me that unless I apologized to his siblings, he didn't want to attend my wedding."
"I was hoping he'd get over it, but he hasn't talked to me since, saying that he's too old to be a 25-year-old child of divorce and that he was offended that I got married the weekend after the anniversary of his mom's funeral."
"To me, that date isn't particularly meaningful since the date that weighs on my heart is the one that she actually died."
"Beth thinks I should just swallow my pride and apologize so that Andrew will talk to me again, but I can't help but feel hard done by here."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The OP found little to no sympathy from the Reddit community, who all but unanimously agreed that the OP was indeed the a**hole for excluding his children from his wedding.
Everyone agreed that the OP's stepchildren were clearly entitled to a share of the profits from their mother's house and felt the OP was being insensitive to their grief.
"First of all, there is a hiccup if anyone is caught regarding finding out the day of closing vs. still upset on the day of closing."
"Secondly, you sound very selfish."
"That is all."
"YTA."- DelayBackground5798
"So let's get this straight."
"These 3 adults have viewed you as a father for 25 years."
"Their mom died about a year ago."
"They discover that you were trying to screw them out of their rightful inheritance."
"You replaced their mom pretty damn fast."
"You're more concerned about a motorcycle than your family."
"Your own son is calling you out for being an AH."
"You disinvite them from your wedding and basically disown them."
"Wow! "
"You are crowned The KING of AH."
"YTA."- FLmom_Report4590
"I try not to judge, but how do you supposedly love someone for 25 years and end up in a relationship with someone else shortly after they die?"
"I think I've mourned my dog for longer than a lot of these people mourn their SO."
"Just yikes."
"The fact that your bio son wants nothing to do with you due to your behavior tells you everything you want to know."
"You went from having 4 children to no children at all."
"Thank god you have a new wife to replace them."- zaritza8789
"YTA."
"First, you totally ignored the fact that Anna's kids would be entitled to an inheritance from their mother."
"Second, you had a petulant toddler tantrum over having to sell your motorbike, which was an unwise purchase, because you had to know about #1."
"Third, you retaliated against your stepchildren, for whom you were the sole father figure, by hurting their feelings and basically disowning them because they had the nerve to want the inheritance from their mother, to which they were clearly entitled."
"I get that you went through a very difficult time, but so did your children--all of them."
"It's not just the OP show."
"No wonder your bio son is angry."- Specialist-Raise-949
"So let me see if I understand this."
"You--perhaps inadvertently--were going to cheat your (step)kids out of their legally required inheritance."
"They discovered this and started asking questions regarding what was legally owed to them."
"Instead of being grateful that they caught this before you went any further with this and wound up owing them interest and penalties, you got mad at them and cut them off as your children, barely a year after they lost their mother."
"YTA, and I suppose it's good that your state made sure they were protected from a vindictive father figure like you."
"All of this is made worse by the fact that you and your late wife had over two decades of irresponsibility in declining to figure out your finances and wills."
"You had an obligation to all of your children to figure out the finances of a blended family, particularly since most jurisdictions treat biological children and stepchildren differently."- DinaFelice
"YTA."
"Do you tried to steal your step children's inheritance and then disinvited them from your wedding?"
"Yeah, you are a selfish and dishonest a**hole."- AcceptableEcho0
"Are you kidding me?"
"You basically tried to disinherit your deceased wife's kids and then want to know if you're the AH for disinviting them to a wedding and telling the kids that you raised that you aren't their 'real father?'"
"Yes, YTA."
"But you're the even bigger AH for trying to disinherit them."
"Do you actually think that's what your late wife would have wanted?"
"YTA."- TruthOdd6164
"YTA."
"As a widower for the last 14 years, slow the f*ck down and work on healing."
"That isn't going to happen by rushing into a marriage, disowning your children (yes, they're your kids, AH), or wasting money on a motorcycle while crying about debt."
"You owe them an apology, and you owe it to yourself to pump the breaks on the absolute lunacy that has become your life."- BADoVLAD
It's a sad and unfair situation that the death of the OP's wife ended up putting him in considerable debt.
However, it's perplexing, to say the least, that he didn't even consider that his late wife's children were entitled to even a small share of the house sale.
Or that them figuring that out warranted their exclusion from his wedding.
One can only hope they'll be able to patch things up.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.