Time is the only thing we can't ever get away from.
The hand on the clock is always moving, so we have to really consider how we spend the moments we're granted.
That urgency doesn't even account for all the time taken by chores, jobs, and sleep.
So, what happens when the time you do have isn't enough to divide between the people in your life?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Turbulent-Dealer-464 when he came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
He asked:
"AITA for deciding to spend time with my newborn daughter than my wife?"
OP got right to the situation at hand.
"I (27m) am doing my residency in a surgical specialty working 12-hour shifts regularly. More often than not, I work more than 80 hours a week."
"A few days ago, I worked a 24-hour shift at the hospital and got Monday evening off."
There's only so much time.
"My wife (24f) wanted us to go out for dinner, but I told her that I'd prefer staying at home with our infant daughter."
"That way, I can spend time with both her and our daughter, who I don't see nearly as much as I want to, and also get some rest."
"I told her that I understand being cooped up all day at home can be very boring, so we could do something quick (<30 minutes) but that I want to spend most of our time at home."
"She was pretty upset by this, but I'm honestly past arguing at this point."
"Don't get me wrong, my wife is a wonderful mother and wife, and taking care of a newborn is certainly not easy."
"But she is also supported by my parents, who live with us, and is not doing anything anywhere near as physically or cognitively demanding as what I am doing."
"I'm dangerously close to crossing over into burnout territory with how much I am working, and it would be hard to continue functioning at this pace without any rest."
"Besides, I don't want to compromise a single second with my baby for anything else unless I absolutely have to. I'm not spending nearly as much time with her as I should."
OP was left to wonder,
"AITA?"
"Edit: I just realized I goofed with the title here, but like I said, I'm pretty gassed right now."
Having explained the situation and apologized for the title of the post, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Doctors decided to chime in.
"Speaking as a doc almost ten years out of residency, I completely understand where you are coming from."
"I too only wanted time with my babies when I got home, and to this day, I profoundly regret how much time I gave to work over them."
"I can also say that they don't feel like I wasn't there for them- but my husband remembers doing so much alone."
"Residency is about survival, but talk to your wife and recognize she is trying to survive too."
"Residency is hard on a family."
"And when you can catch your breath, put some emotional work into the relationship to avoid finding yourself in a married roommates situation."
"Send her some flowers, have a meal delivered unexpectedly one night, so she doesn't have to cook, leave a post-it on the fridge telling her she's wonderful and how much you love her."
"You're both busting your @sses in different ways." ~ SpeechNumerous696
"As a physician as well, I tell all aspiring parents that this challenge doesn't go away."
"You're exhausted, and you come home ready for a break, but now it's your stay-at-home spouse's turn for a break."
"Good on OP for wanting to spend time with your infant, for communicating your need to rest, and for compromising by offering to go out a little."
"But this problem isn't going away, so let her win some by going out next time."
"Your kid(s) are going to want you to take them out to a park in a few short years."
"This is all a good problem to have."
"The worse alternative is that your family gets so depressed and lonely they don't ask to go out at all."
"So when OP comes home, the work for OP as husband/father is just beginning (which responsibility OP clearly understands), but it takes this inexhaustible supply of energy."
"Best wishes." ~ OneOfUsOneOfUsGooble
Not everyone felt that NTA was the right call.
"Honesty, I'd say NAH."
"You don't see what she goes through when you aren't around, just like she doesn't fully get what you go through."
"But if you don't prioritize some one-on-one time with your wife, you might find yourself in a much bigger relationship problem."
"Yes, you want and need to spend time with your baby. But your relationship with your wife is important too." ~ NoNameForMetoUse
"The most important advice I ever got before having a baby was this:"
"Don't keep score. Don't waste time and energy trying to 'prove' how much more exhausted and hard you have it vs. your partner."
"All this does is breed resentment. Thank your partner for what they are contributing—and they should do the same for you."
"Just being acknowledged and SEEN can do so much to prevent problems arising." ~ Kitty_Kat_Attacks
"Exactly, there are NAH here, just two very tired and stressed-out parents."
"And imagine that a small disagreement blew up. They need to hang in there and try to find some time to spend together when they can."
"I'd love to see an update where the in-laws took the baby for the morning, and the parents slept in and then went to brunch together." ~ hey_jojo
"Pretty much this."
"I totally understand feeling like you don't see your child enough during residency. I also understand feeling burned out and just wanting to stay in."
"But the wife is also burned out with always being around the baby."
"She wants to go out, wants some adult time, wants some conversation with her favorite person."
"And when OP says he is not willing to compromise a 'single second' with his baby... well, that doesn't really leave the wife any time, does it?" ~ ImaginaryAnts
"100% NAH."
"OP and his wife really need to sit down and plan out their week with some expectations and constraints. Having the in-laws living at home provides a lot of flexibility. For example:"
"Plan one date night each week with OP and wife only after a 'normal' 12-hour shift or on a day off."
"No plans after a 24-hour shift."
"OP needs some time to rest and relax at home."
"Wife needs to get out of the house without OP. Ask the in-laws to watch the baby while you go have lunch with friends or run some errands without bringing the entire family." ~ Schillelagh
Comparisons never end well.
'"But she is also supported by my parents who live with us."
"Being stuck at home with an infant and her in-laws is not many people's idea of a good time."
"It's great that your parents are helping, but that relationship itself can often be awkward and exhausting, particularly as your wife figures out parenting."
'"and is not doing something anywhere near as physically or cognitively demanding as what I am doing.'"
"It's not a contest."
"Do your marriage a favor, and don't dismiss what your wife does as 'less than' what you are doing."
"Her work is exhausting and burnout-prone as yours, in its own way."
"The one thing new parents crave the most is adult time. Your wife *needs* this as much as you need rest."
"NAH."
"But you and your wife need to communicate and figure out how to meet everyone's needs."
"Thanks for the shocking number of upvotes!"
"To clarify, absolutely he should rest after a 24-hour shift."
"But he still needs to think about, overall, how he can help meet his wife's needs for adult time together with him."
"My response wasn't about what they should have done that night."
"My response was about overall needing to stop mentally belittling what his wife does because it will be obvious to her that he does not value her contribution, and that's sure to lead to problems in their relationship."
"Just to be clear, I fully acknowledge that OP's wife is also not meeting his very real needs."
"He needs (as close as possible to) sufficient rest and time with his baby daughter."
"Those needs compete with his wife's need for adult time with her husband away from the baby."
"Figuring out how to meet everyone's needs enough of the time is not going to be easy."
"They have taken on something extremely difficult, having a baby during OP's residency."
"It will take teamwork to succeed. I wish them the best!" ~ PurpleVermont
"The minute you find yourself comparing your needs to your spouse's, you're in trouble."
"It's not a contest."
"It's dealing with a newborn and a residency. You'll both get through this. But you both want to acknowledge each other's burdens instead of comparing them."
"It's entirely possible for both of you to be fried in different ways." ~ Zealousideal_Bag2493
Our time is fleeting and precious, and so is everyone else's.
Communication and compromise go a long way to spending our time well.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp