in , , ,

Woman Called ‘Selfish’ For Not Telling Mom She Married Into Money Before Adopting Her Sister

Woman holding baby, father holding baby's hand
boonchai wedmakawand/Getty Images

Maybe it’s true that “no good deed goes unpunished,” but it’s also true that many good deeds at least don’t go unnoticed.

It’s certainly a shame, however, when the person who notices a good deed – especially if it’s the one the aforementioned good deed is intended to help – is also the same who inflicts the “punishment.”

What’s even worse is when it’s your own mother.

A woman on Reddit is being called “selfish” by her estranged mother for withholding the fact that she married into money – even after adopting her half-sister her mother could no longer care for – so she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.

Redditor Far-Librarian-4999 asked:

“AITA for never telling my Mother I married into money?”

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

“I (34/F[emale]) have a difficult relationship with my Mother, she had me when she was 17 and was addicted to various substances when I was growing up.”

“She’d leave me with whoever would watch me for days on end and i’d end up mostly raising myself.”

“I left home at 16 and couch surfed with various friends until I was able to get my own place.”

“At 25 I met my now Husband and we got married three years later.”

His family’s dynamic is completely different.

“His family is the polar opposite of mine and are incredible, so loving and warm, I honestly consider his parents mine and call them Mum and Dad.”

“They also happen to be quite well off but that isn’t something I care about, I mention it because it matters to the story.”

Suddenly, mom wanted to be in the picture again, and OP found out she had a sister.

“Last year my Mother reached out to me after a decade of not speaking to her wanting to reconnect and introduce me to my little sister who was 2 years old, I was confused as I hadn’t even known she’d been pregnant, but it seems she’d been a change of life baby.”

“I thought maybe she’d turned over a new leaf and if not I wanted to make sure the kid was ok.”

Things were going well… until the truth came out.

“At first it seemed like things had changed and she was trying, this illusion lasted for the first few visits over six months then she broke down, told me she couldn’t do this, and asked me to take my sister.”

“My husband and I had a long talk about it, we’d been struggling with fertility and had been considering adoption anyway.”

So they dotted the i’s and crossed the t’s.

“We told her if we were doing this we were doing it right, and we had his families lawyer ensure it was a legal adoption and airtight which took several months, My in-laws adore her and consider her their Granddaughter.”

“They’ve even set up a trust-fund for her.”

“We have allowed My Mother one supervised visit per month so she’s not totally cut off from my sister but it was during these visits things went badly as she saw how she was dressed and the toys she had, and realised they were expensive.”

And it became an issue.

“She began to rip into us for hiding the fact we have money and how if we’d just given her money she’d have not given us my sister as she could have taken care of her better.”

“I told her while we have some money its mostly my husbands parents money not ours so she had no right to know about it, also that I wouldn’t have given her money anyway as I didn’t trust her.”

“She broke down calling me a selfish b*tch who’d never considered how hard things were for her.”

Now OP feels bad about the situation.

“I now feel some guilt; my Husband has told me if I want to make me feel better, he’ll give her money, but that seems like a bad idea as she’d likely use it badly or blow through it and then expect more.”

“Despite this though I do feel bad, maybe I should have tried to help her more now my luck is better, or maybe I should have been honest with her.”

“AITA for keeping this from her?”

OP has offered the following explanation for why she thinks she might be the a**hole:

“I kept the fact I married into money from my Mother even when we adopted my half-sister, I feel guilty over this as maybe we could have helped her more…aita for not being open?”

Redditors weighed in by declaring:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole.


“If hubby wants to pay for something, it can be a treatment program for Mom to get the help she needs, but you are most definitely NOT the a-hole.”

“Mom is trying to manipulate.” – Dependent-Aside-9750

“NTA. And now, just stop it.”

“You are dealing with an addict. Whose reaction isn’t my daughter is safe and being raised in a healthy environment. But is saying you could have given me money and helped me.”

“She realized she misplayed her hand with you.”

“She reached out to you to pawn off her responsibilities to her child, not to reconnect. She was going to do it whether you had money or not.”

“She got off the gravy train too early and regrets it.”

“Focus on your family and happiness. She’ll bleed you dry!”

“I’m sorry and hope I’m wrong. But I’ve seen and lived this.” – Ariesinnc3017


“Doing the math – your mom had a second baby at age 49, and she’s now 53.”

“She’s more than old enough to have figured out how to support herself.”

“Let her continue to care for herself, and focus on your daughter.”

“If you do feel worried about your mom’s future, you could set aside money in an account (don’t tell her you’re doing this) for when she’s elderly and may be unable to support herself any longer.”

“That would be the time to consider helping her.” – Ok_Remote_1036


“Honestly, one of the worst things you can do for a person with a history of addiction is give them money. Especially if there’s a chance they are not clean/sober.”

“If they’re still using in any capacity, that money is going to substances.”

“And if they suddenly have the ability to indulge in more substances than they can normally, there’s a sizable risk this could cause them to OD.”

“And once those substances are gone, they’ll be back asking for more money to buy more. And they’ll escalate.”

“Because you caved once, so surely you’ll cave again if they just put enough pressure on you.”

“Best thing you can do is draw a firm boundary and say no.”

“If you want to offer her help, do not offer it in the form of money or anything she can sell.”

“Offer it in the form of getting her financial counseling, access to job training or education, etc.”

“Things that will help her get herself to a better place, but that cannot be used to feed an addiction.” – CrewelSummer

“NTA. There is no good reason why your mother should be upset.”

“The wealth belongs to your husband and his family.”

“In what world does she think you can coerce them into giving her monetary support?” – DestronCommander


“It was kind of your husband to offer, but, Please do not give her money, If she is still using she would probably spend alot of it on her drug of choice, and I’m guessing the possibility of overdose would be even higher too.”

“If not, she would probably just blow the money.”

“You have nothing to feel guilty about, it isnt her business at all.”

“You are not a ‘selfish b*tch,’ you are the woman who took in and adopted her daughter because she couldn’t care for her.”

“May I suggest stopping the once-a-month visit until she can behave because you don’t need to go through that while doing her a favor..”

“Also, she may try to steal your valuables to get money” – Suspicious-8388

“Your husband is exactly right. Listen to him.”

“He has the perspective of distance.”

“You feel guilty because your mother WANTS you to feel guilty.”

“She is manipulating you to get what she wants. She doesn’t care about you, your half-sister/daughter.”

“She wants money, and will do whatever she can to get some.”

“You are about to find out if the adoption is as airtight as your family’s lawyer tried to make it.”

“Mom will almost certainly try to sue to get custody back, with an offer to drop it if you pay her some cash.”

“I hope they did a good job, because the child would clearly be better off with you than Mom.”

“Let daycare and EVERYONE know NOT to give the child to your Mom and to call the police if she shows up.”

“No one is more determined than an addict.”

“I’m sorry that this turned out this way.”

“NTA” – grckalck

OP certainly has a big decision to make, but according to her fellow Redditors, she should in no way feel bad about withholding information and/or finances from her mother.

Like others on the platform told OP, her focus should be on doing what’s best for her new daughter.

Written by AB Keith

AB Keith is an educator turned roadtripper who is currently teaching virtually while touring the USA. Her dream is to visit all the national parks and create a series of nonfiction children's books about NP adventures through the eyes of her dog, Backpack Benny.