Being pregnant and preparing for a baby is undoubtedly an exciting time.
But relationships can be challenged, if not ruined, when someone tries to stick their opinions where they don't belong during this time, pointed out the folks in the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Striking-Major1744 was excited to have her first baby and had already prepared a cute and calming nursery, even though her baby would not be born for months.
But when her mother-in-law kept insisting that the nursery was "boring" and offered to pay for "improvements" herself, the Original Poster (OP) knew there were problems on the horizon.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for refusing to let my mother-in-law (MIL) redecorate our nursery, even though she offered to pay for it?"
The OP and her husband were so excited to have a baby, they prepared their nursery way in advance.
"My husband (32 Male) and I (29 Female) are expecting our first child in August. We're really excited, but admittedly a little overwhelmed with everything that comes with prepping for a baby."
"One of the big things we were proud of was finishing the nursery last month. It's simple but feels perfect for us."
"We went with soft colors, some handmade decorations, and furniture we either thrifted or built ourselves to save money."
But the OP's mother-in-law (MIL) did not approve of their design choices.
"The issue started when my MIL came over to see it. She immediately made comments like, 'Oh, this looks so bare. Where's the fun? Don't you want your baby to be surrounded by bright, happy colors?' and, 'It's nice, but this feels unfinished, don't you think?'"
"I brushed it off at first, but a week later, she brought it up again and offered to 'fix it up' as a gift, saying she'd pay for everything and have it done in time for the baby's arrival."
"I told her I appreciated the offer, but we weren't interested in changing anything. She got frustrated and said something like, 'It's not about you, it's about what's best for the baby,' and implied our 'boring' nursery wouldn't be "stimulating" enough."
"I don't think she meant to sound insulting, but it rubbed me the wrong way."
The OP's MIL refused to let her dream project go.
"Now, my husband is caught in the middle. He says he gets where I'm coming from, but since his mom is so excited and offering to pay, we should just let her."
"He also said, 'It's just decorations; it doesn't have to be a big deal.'"
"I feel like this is a big deal, though; it's our home, our baby, and we worked hard on this space."
"I asked a friend, and she said I'm being too territorial and should let MIL be involved since it's a gift and I can always change things later. But I've seen posts on here where MILs steamroll boundaries, and I don't want to set a precedent. At the same time, I don't want to seem ungrateful."
"So, am I wrong for refusing her help when she's just trying to be generous and involved? Is this a hill worth dying on?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reminded the OP that it was her home and urged her to maintain her boundaries.
"NTA. You've already decorated it the way you wanted to, and both you and your husband were happy with it until your MIL spoke up. While the offer was generous, the fact that she is refusing to respect your decision is out of line."
"Now is the time to set boundaries and let her know that you are this child's mother. You and your husband will be making the decisions. While she will be an important person in your child's life, you expect her to respect your choices."
"I suggest talking to your husband about this and making sure the two of you are aligned. You need to be a team." - miyuki_m
"Neutral colors are proven to be calming. Why would you want your baby overstimulated in the space you'll be calming them down and putting them to sleep?"
"Besides, your baby isn't even really going to see much at first. You can add pops of color as your baby grows if you want."
"Tell your MIL that YOUR baby will be stimulated in other rooms, and the nursery is for quiet feeding, rocking, reading, relaxing, and sleeping. Soft colors are needed to help you relax and care for your baby. NTA." - Bitter-Picture5394
"NTA. I would just tell her you appreciate the generosity, but you like it as is, and you don't want to discuss it again. Maybe even suggest she put the money for the nursery into a college fund for your kid." - coygobbler
"MIL had her turn to decorate a kid's room, she doesn't get to decorate someone else's room. Unless she's hired to do a job." - RebeccaMCullen
"Yikes, OP! The baby is months away from joining you, and your MIL is getting pushy already. Ugh. It's best for her to get used to the fact that NO is a complete sentence now. Practice saying this with a smile."
"Hubby needs to grow some cajones. You two need to be aligned on EVERYTHING. Because your MIL is just getting started... and the others chirping in, put them all on mute."
"Remember, NO is a complete sentence. NTA." - 60moonchild
Others also urged the OP to make sure that her husband was on her team, not his mother's.
"This is a husband issue, not just a MIL issue."
"Just because she wants to pay for it doesn't mean it needs to be done."
"If you don't nip this in the bud now, it never ends."
"And by nipping this in the bud, I mean your husband trying to keep everyone happy. It's you and him versus the problem, not him being part of the problem." - IceQueenTigerMumma
"Hubby needs to start putting your wishes and happiness before his mother's. Next thing you know she'll have your child's face all over social media. Stating how she was in the room and held the baby first." - mkarr514
"Your husband needs to grow a spine and tell HIS mom no. My son and DIL had more pared-down nurseries for their babies but they are nice."
"They had no issue with my buying some favorite stuffies for the kids, which added a little color but was easily moved. It's their baby, their selections, and moms and MILs need to keep it zipped." - Catfish1960
"You've got yourself a pushy, invasive MIL who is jacked up on being a grandma. Set the boundary hard now, and your future self with thank you."
"Your husband needs to remember who lives with him in that house and who owns it, and it's not his mommy. He needs to back you. Your husband is only caught in the middle because he wrongly thinks his mom is a part of your marriage and immediate family."
"Being 'too territorial'!? It is literally your own home! One cannot be too territorial in their own house. Your friend sucks too, OP."
"As for whether or not this is a hill worth dying on... It's not your hill, and you won't die. Stick with your no."
"NTA." - lucillle12121
"If you give in on this, the next thing she'll want to choose the baby's name, then how you feed the baby and dress the baby, and on and on and on, to school and pediatricians and everything else."
"Stamp this out now. You and your husband decorated for your child in your home, and that's that."
"Explain to him that it's time for him to stop being a son and to start being a father." - Straight_Coconut_317
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
"I wasn't expecting this to blow up, but I appreciate everyone's input. I wanted to give a quick update because things took a turn when my husband came home and filled me in."
"While I've been stewing over everything at home, my husband ended up coming to the same realization on his own during work today. He realized his mom's offer, while generous, was overstepping. He said it hit him that this is our nursery, and we shouldn't have to justify our choices to anyone, even family."
"Without telling me first, he decided to call his mom to set the record straight. He explained that we're happy with the nursery the way it is, we worked hard on it, and that it wasn't fair of her to keep pushing us to change it."
"Apparently, that did not go over well. MIL completely blew up at him, saying I was 'controlling' and 'turning him against her,' and then she texted me directly to say she's cutting contact until I 'stop being so selfish and ungrateful.'"
The OP did not expect things to turn out this way.
"I'm honestly stunned. I never wanted this to escalate like this, and I certainly didn't ask my husband to confront her; he made the choice himself (I do fully support his choice, though)."
"I do feel a little guilty because I know how excited she was, but at the same time, her reaction feels... extreme?"
"My husband came home tonight, hugged me, and reassured me that I did nothing wrong. He told me he's proud of the nursery we created together and that he won't let anyone, including his mom, make me feel bad about it. I'm really grateful to have him in my corner."
"I guess this is where we are now. I didn't expect a nursery to cause this much drama, but here we are. I hope things calm down soon, but for now, I'm just focusing on my family."
Fellow Redditors were grateful for the break the OP's MIL had accidentally given her.
"I read your update."
"Going no contact with you is the best gift your MIL could ever give you. Don't be upset about it. She's waiting for your guilt to send you crawling back to her. I promise that she'll break being NC (sadly) the second a grandchild appears."
"Focus on taking care of yourself and your baby." - Lady-of-Shivershale
"It's nice of your MIL to confirm (via your update of her giving you an ultimatum to either let her have her way or her to go no contact) that CONTROL is the only thing she cares about here."
"I'm glad you found out that out early in your pregnancy, to relieve that unnecessary stress, and before your baby is born."
"NTA, of course." - sun_dazzled
"Gold star for him regarding your update. He did exactly what was right. The nursery is fine. Without seeing it, I know that."
"The new parents made it together and feel accomplished about it. That's great! You made it together, that's a great step towards the future you are building."
"The only cautions people should give you on a nursery is if it's baby-proofed or not. And even that is not much to do until the baby can start moving around."
"MIL is the one being unreasonable. And especially so in her reaction to her son telling her to leave it alone."
"She needs to respect your decision in this. If she doesn't, she's definitely going to be the same way when the baby comes. Telling you what to do. Doing whatever she wants and not what you tell her to do when babysitting. Etc. It's best to silence it now." - believehype1616
"Having read your post and update, your MIL is 100% being rude on purpose. Would you let her redecorate your bedroom after you've spent time and money tailoring it to exactly what you want it to be? The room you sleep in, relax in, spend private moments in, your safe space, your happy place. That's what the nursery is."
"It IS about you and your husband, and yes, your baby. But it's not only about your baby. It's where you'll spend countless hours bonding with your baby. It needs to be a place where you, your husband, and your baby all find comfort in."
"And yeah, kids need stimulation. But their bedroom is where their bed is, meaning it's where they'll (most likely eventually, if you plan to have them sleep in your room for the first few months) be sleeping."
"Yes, they'll be playing and growing and learning in there, as well. But can you imagine if the walls were colorful with all sorts of imagery all over it? They'll be so distracted when it comes time to feed them, rock them, and put them to sleep!"
"Who will be spending time in the nursery? Your or your MIL? Your MIL thinks that her opinion trumps your own when it comes to a room YOU will be spending the most time in, besides your baby?"
"She thinks that because it's her grandchild, that you and her are on the same level, and really, she thinks she's even more important than you are. That's insane. Everything you've said shows just how narcissistic she is!"
"And I'd be questioning your friend's advice, as well, and how good of friends they really are."
"Definitely NTA." - Said-id-never-join
"I think the OP should see this response from her mother-in-law for what it is: a blessing."
"I've been no contact with my in-laws for a year. They've pulled a few stunts over the years, and then talked s**t about me to my husband for a week in November 2022. So I got to go no contact."
"I had to be at the same party as them recently. I kind of ignored them the whole time. And then came a message asking if we could 'put all this bulls**t behind us' as though I was at all involved in, and partially responsible for, their hissy fit the previous year."
"The best gift they gave me was to get mad rather than concerned when I asked to be left in peace. My husband loves his parents (obviously), so it would have been difficult to turn down a true attempt at reconciliation."
"Anyway, his mum sent my husband angry messages that slagged me off, and his dad said it was a 'false narrative' when my husband pointed out in the group message that there was a direct history of recent trauma."
"I told them that I was baffled as to why they wanted in their lives someone they clearly dislike and don't respect. They didn't answer that and have, so far, respected my second request to be left in peace."
"The best gift people like these can give us is their words. Because when they want to reconcile and attempt to use DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim Blame, Offender) to do so, they should be made to confront said words."
"I am not going to spend time with people who so clearly feel such scorn for me. And what would doing so say about my level of self-respect?" - noworriesbee
Though it was surprising for a nursery to cause so much trouble, it confirmed some Redditors' concerns that the mother-in-law was out to control a situation in which she had no right to be involved.
If creating the nursery of her dreams was more important than being in touch with her son, the mother of her grandchild, and her future grandchild, it was clearly better for the OP and her husband to focus on each other and the life they were building together for their growing family.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp