When a close friend or a family member we really love is expecting a baby, it can be an incredibly exciting time.
But while it might be okay to purchase gifts and come up with ideas for how we can help the parents-to-be, the last thing we should do is make decisions for them about how to share their happy news, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor sovereigncookies was pregnant with her first and probably only child, and she was having serious issues with her mother-in-law, who was so excited to be a grandmother.
But when she repeatedly posted pregnancy updates on social media against the Original Poster (OP)’s wishes, she contemplated blocking her mother-in-law, at least until her baby was born.
She asked the sub:
“Am I the a**hole for blocking my mother-in-law (MIL) after she refused to stop making posts on Facebook about my pregnancy because ‘she’s just excited’?”
The OP was looking forward to having her one and only child.
“My (42 Female) husband (41 Male) and I became unexpectedly pregnant in April after almost a decade of trying.”
“We were told by doctors that it was not possible and had given up. To our incredible joy and surprise, we found out that we were going to have a baby girl.”
“She is due this coming January, mere weeks away!”
The OP’s mother-in-law was not respectful of their privacy online.
“His mother (70 Female) and I have had something of a strained relationship in the twenty years that her son and I have been together.”
“She recently started attending the church that my husband and I go to, and things have gotten a little better between us, but… she has, on a number of occasions, posted things online about the pregnancy that neither my husband nor I have announced on social media.”
“A total of five posts, three of which I demanded she remove, including announcing my child’s gender and her full name, both of which I wasn’t going to announce until she was born.”
The OP’s mother-in-law did not take the feedback well.
“When confronted about these incidents via private message, she does not reply to me at all.”
“Instead, she called my husband and said, ‘I’m just excited about MY grandchild,’ and, ‘I’m just telling my friends what is going on in MY life! I don’t see what the problem is?!'”
“During this latest incident, she posted about how I’m due very soon. I was astonished to find complete strangers discussing my pregnancy on her post, including some private details.”
“For the fifth time, I messaged her, asking her very politely to respect my boundaries. I stated that I didn’t want my due dates, labor, going to the hospital, or birth announced, and that we needed to hash this out before the baby arrives.”
“Under no circumstances do I want my daughter’s birth announced, or photos posted on social media (especially before my husband and I have a chance to do that for ourselves).”
“I told her that I don’t understand what her disconnect was when it came to my privacy concerns, but it felt very disrespectful that this keeps happening, and I didn’t appreciate having to tell her this over and over again.”
“Announcing things before me isn’t sharing HER life. It’s sharing mine, and I already asked her not to do that several times.”
“I told her I needed her to reply to me and assure me she understands this boundary. Not to just apologize to my husband over the phone.”
Even to that message, the OP’s mother-in-law did not reply.
“Well, she didn’t reply. Instead, she made a Facebook post about how she ‘loves her family’ and was going to ‘shout about it every chance I get’ because ‘I’m just wired that way,’ followed by an eyeroll emoji.”
The OP did the only thing that she thought might work.
“I was flabbergasted, and I blocked her. It seems very clear to me that she has no intention of respecting any boundary I set, or my daughter’s privacy, let alone mine.”
“This was roughly four days ago.”
“She started texting my husband, promising she would no longer post about my pregnancy.”
“She said she’s hurt that I would go to such extreme measures and cut her off from her grandchild over some Facebook posts.”
“But to me, it’s not just about Facebook posts. I think she just openly told me she won’t respect any boundaries I have about social media, and thought that I would just continue giving her pass after pass to do whatever she wanted.”
“I read that post as, ‘I will do what I want, and you need to get over it.'”
The OP’s husband supported her decision in a lackluster way.
“My husband said that he would back any decision I wanted to make about this. He assured me that he would not give her the information about my labor, birth, or daughter if I didn’t want her to have it, and that she would not be invited to the hospital if I didn’t want her there.”
“He also said he could see I tried very hard to set reasonable boundaries.”
“But that he also thinks the posts aren’t that big of a deal and that she is ‘just excited,’ and he hopes after I calm down, I’ll forgive her and let her back in.”
“Over the years, a lot of her behavior gets dismissed as, ‘Oh, that’s just how she is! She means well…’ But does she, though? This felt pretty malicious.”
The OP felt increasingly conflicted.
“I’ve started to feel guilty.”
“My husband is being supportive and acknowledging my feelings. But he also makes the same old excuses for her, saying that she now seems willing to make the promises that I asked for.”
“I’m just not sure if I can trust her, and I feel like if I don’t stick to my guns now, she will know she can do what she wants.”
“I was planning on using one of those family album apps where only a select group of people can see the daily baby photos I’m sure I’ll be taking. But I’m afraid those photos are going to make it onto public social media apps if I do that now, or at least if I include her.”
“I also think that cutting her off to a no contact level is going too far, but I need her to understand the measure of my resolve. If my daughter’s face ends up on Facebook, I won’t feel no contact is too far anymore.”
“Would I be the a**hole if I let her sweat it out in no contact purgatory until after my baby is born? So she understands her actions actually have consequences?”
“Or do I give her the chance to make good on her promise so she doesn’t miss out on the birth stuff? I know this is her granddaughter, and I don’t want to be cruel. But I also don’t want her to continue walking all over me despite my many attempts to set boundaries.”
“What do you think? Am I in the wrong here? (Any advice would be appreciated.)”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some urged the OP to put her mother-in-law on an “information diet” at least.
“Information diet for MIL. She can’t share what you don’t tell her.”
“Don’t tell her when you go into labor. Don’t let her know until it’s over, or she will announce it to the world. She has already said she would do this. Be sure the delivery staff know not to let her in if she shows up anyway. Your husband may betray you here; he’s used to ‘how she is.'”
“Let them both know that if she shows up or makes the announcement herself, it will cost her in baby time. She is your baby, and you have the control here. Every time MIL does something you have asked her not to do, it will be a week until she is asked over to visit.”
“Good luck, you’ll need it!” – Top-Bit85
“If she throws a tantrum for not finding out until later, tell her:”
“‘We knew it would be too hard for you to keep it to yourself until we were ready to announce it ourselves, because that’s just the way you are… right?'”
“I’d bet she’s only saying she won’t post anything now because your due date is so close and she knows you might limit baby time if she pushes further. It’s super shady that she only discussed this with your husband when you’re messaging her directly about it. This behaviour likely won’t stop when the baby grows up, so I’d say set limits now.” – dillydaddlerr
“Watermark every baby picture you send her, right over the baby’s face with ‘Do Not Post Online.’ Send only pictures that are blurry or where the baby’s face isn’t fully visible.”
“You’re mama bear. What you say goes. Don’t feel guilty or obligated. This is likely your only child, so don’t let her taint that special experience.” – _Winterlong_
“The last time I laid an egg, people had to be buzzed into Labor and Delivery after confirming their identities at the front desk, and again at the nurses’ station.”
“It’s pretty easy to keep her out of there: front desk denial. I would wait until the family is home safe to tell her about the baby’s birth. Let her know that she does not have permission to post any pictures or information without consent, and her accounts can and will be suspended.” – Entry-Party
“An info diet is absolutely called for, and I wouldn’t tell her a thing until OP is back home and ready for a (very short) visit.”
“The only thing I’d edit with what you wrote is the penalty at the end. For each successive boundary violation, I’d tack on an extra week. So for a first infraction, she gets one week in time out, and for the third, three weeks. Let her see that she’s doing it to herself.” – Organized_Khaos
Others agreed with the OP that blocking might be the way to go, but they also entertained going no contact with her altogether.
“Not responding to OP is her way of disregarding her and is openly disrespectful. Grounds to go no contact right there. If they let her anywhere near the birth process, she is going to behave like a petulant child and attempt to direct the attention to herself. And will post live on social media the entire time.” – mshayes17
“Nah, because genuinely, going around you is so disrespectful. I would be feeling EVERY type of way if you went to my husband after I contacted you directly. This is an open line of communication. Right here. To me. The one with the problem, the one who is pregnant.”
“Going to my husband to cry about it wouldn’t do anything but make me livid. I haven’t been pregnant, but I already have a low tolerance, and I know my pregnant ass absolutely would call my sister and say, ‘Hey, come help me, I’m going to mom and dad’s,’ and I would NOT be playing with ANYONE.”
“Then again, I also don’t think I would’ve made it 20 years without hurting her feelings to the point of hating me.” – tiredjusttired23
“I like the idea of visiting time-outs, but I would increase the time for every infraction. First time a week, second time.. two weeks, third time… a month, etc., wonder how long it will take her to get the point.” – drtennis13
“You need to tell your husband & MIL that insisting on enforcing your rules and boundaries is just the way YOU are!”
“When people give me that ‘just the way I am’ garbage, I retort, ‘And I don’t put up with that bulls**t excuse because that’s just the way I am!’ Turn it around and throw it back at her.” – CampfiresInConifers
“After you ‘calm down,’ he’ll revisit this with you. F**k that! You have a husband problem, and you need to figure this out now. I would set up couples counseling pronto.”
“I would also reassert that you meant what you said. You will keep her blocked because she’s overstepping and unapologetic. And you expect him not to tell her anything that is not public knowledge, or he will be breaking your trust in him.”
“These excuses are coming off as small now… but what happens when she takes the baby to pierce her ears without telling you? Cutting her hair cause she thinks it’s better short?”
“Will you accept his excuse of ‘that is the way she is’ is going to be LOUD AS F**K when something bigger happens. Your husband problem is the only thing you need to focus on. She can’t trample on boundaries if you both are perfectly aligned and follow through with actions.”
“NTA.” – friendlilylily
Though the subReddit could understand the OP’s mother-in-law being excited to become a grandmother, there needed to be boundaries in place that everyone could respect, and the OP’s mother-in-law did not seem too interested in that right now.
If she couldn’t respect boundaries, especially when it came to internet safety, an information diet or blocking her for the time being inevitably would be best. If she didn’t like that, she could change her behavior herself.