When a close friend or a family member we really love is expecting a baby, it can be an incredibly exciting time.
But while it might be okay to purchase gifts and come up with ideas for how we can help the parents-to-be, the last thing we should do is make decisions for them about how to share their happy news, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor sovereigncookies was pregnant with her first and probably only child, and she was having serious issues with her mother-in-law, who was so excited to be a grandmother.
But when she repeatedly posted pregnancy updates on social media against the Original Poster (OP)'s wishes, she contemplated blocking her mother-in-law, at least until her baby was born.
She asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for blocking my mother-in-law (MIL) after she refused to stop making posts on Facebook about my pregnancy because 'she's just excited'?"
The OP was looking forward to having her one and only child.
"My (42 Female) husband (41 Male) and I became unexpectedly pregnant in April after almost a decade of trying."
"We were told by doctors that it was not possible and had given up. To our incredible joy and surprise, we found out that we were going to have a baby girl."
"She is due this coming January, mere weeks away!"
The OP's mother-in-law was not respectful of their privacy online.
"His mother (70 Female) and I have had something of a strained relationship in the twenty years that her son and I have been together."
"She recently started attending the church that my husband and I go to, and things have gotten a little better between us, but... she has, on a number of occasions, posted things online about the pregnancy that neither my husband nor I have announced on social media."
"A total of five posts, three of which I demanded she remove, including announcing my child's gender and her full name, both of which I wasn't going to announce until she was born."
The OP's mother-in-law did not take the feedback well.
"When confronted about these incidents via private message, she does not reply to me at all."
"Instead, she called my husband and said, 'I'm just excited about MY grandchild,' and, 'I'm just telling my friends what is going on in MY life! I don't see what the problem is?!'"
"During this latest incident, she posted about how I'm due very soon. I was astonished to find complete strangers discussing my pregnancy on her post, including some private details."
"For the fifth time, I messaged her, asking her very politely to respect my boundaries. I stated that I didn't want my due dates, labor, going to the hospital, or birth announced, and that we needed to hash this out before the baby arrives."
"Under no circumstances do I want my daughter's birth announced, or photos posted on social media (especially before my husband and I have a chance to do that for ourselves)."
"I told her that I don't understand what her disconnect was when it came to my privacy concerns, but it felt very disrespectful that this keeps happening, and I didn't appreciate having to tell her this over and over again."
"Announcing things before me isn't sharing HER life. It's sharing mine, and I already asked her not to do that several times."
"I told her I needed her to reply to me and assure me she understands this boundary. Not to just apologize to my husband over the phone."
Even to that message, the OP's mother-in-law did not reply.
"Well, she didn't reply. Instead, she made a Facebook post about how she 'loves her family' and was going to 'shout about it every chance I get' because 'I'm just wired that way,' followed by an eyeroll emoji."
The OP did the only thing that she thought might work.
"I was flabbergasted, and I blocked her. It seems very clear to me that she has no intention of respecting any boundary I set, or my daughter's privacy, let alone mine."
"This was roughly four days ago."
"She started texting my husband, promising she would no longer post about my pregnancy."
"She said she's hurt that I would go to such extreme measures and cut her off from her grandchild over some Facebook posts."
"But to me, it's not just about Facebook posts. I think she just openly told me she won't respect any boundaries I have about social media, and thought that I would just continue giving her pass after pass to do whatever she wanted."
"I read that post as, 'I will do what I want, and you need to get over it.'"
The OP's husband supported her decision in a lackluster way.
"My husband said that he would back any decision I wanted to make about this. He assured me that he would not give her the information about my labor, birth, or daughter if I didn't want her to have it, and that she would not be invited to the hospital if I didn't want her there."
"He also said he could see I tried very hard to set reasonable boundaries."
"But that he also thinks the posts aren't that big of a deal and that she is 'just excited,' and he hopes after I calm down, I'll forgive her and let her back in."
"Over the years, a lot of her behavior gets dismissed as, 'Oh, that's just how she is! She means well...' But does she, though? This felt pretty malicious."
The OP felt increasingly conflicted.
"I've started to feel guilty."
"My husband is being supportive and acknowledging my feelings. But he also makes the same old excuses for her, saying that she now seems willing to make the promises that I asked for."
"I'm just not sure if I can trust her, and I feel like if I don't stick to my guns now, she will know she can do what she wants."
"I was planning on using one of those family album apps where only a select group of people can see the daily baby photos I'm sure I'll be taking. But I'm afraid those photos are going to make it onto public social media apps if I do that now, or at least if I include her."
"I also think that cutting her off to a no contact level is going too far, but I need her to understand the measure of my resolve. If my daughter's face ends up on Facebook, I won't feel no contact is too far anymore."
"Would I be the a**hole if I let her sweat it out in no contact purgatory until after my baby is born? So she understands her actions actually have consequences?"
"Or do I give her the chance to make good on her promise so she doesn't miss out on the birth stuff? I know this is her granddaughter, and I don't want to be cruel. But I also don't want her to continue walking all over me despite my many attempts to set boundaries."
"What do you think? Am I in the wrong here? (Any advice would be appreciated.)"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some urged the OP to put her mother-in-law on an "information diet" at least.
"Information diet for MIL. She can't share what you don't tell her."
"Don't tell her when you go into labor. Don't let her know until it's over, or she will announce it to the world. She has already said she would do this. Be sure the delivery staff know not to let her in if she shows up anyway. Your husband may betray you here; he's used to 'how she is.'"
"Let them both know that if she shows up or makes the announcement herself, it will cost her in baby time. She is your baby, and you have the control here. Every time MIL does something you have asked her not to do, it will be a week until she is asked over to visit."
"Good luck, you'll need it!" - Top-Bit85
"If she throws a tantrum for not finding out until later, tell her:"
"'We knew it would be too hard for you to keep it to yourself until we were ready to announce it ourselves, because that's just the way you are… right?'"
"I'd bet she's only saying she won't post anything now because your due date is so close and she knows you might limit baby time if she pushes further. It's super shady that she only discussed this with your husband when you're messaging her directly about it. This behaviour likely won't stop when the baby grows up, so I'd say set limits now." - dillydaddlerr
"Watermark every baby picture you send her, right over the baby's face with 'Do Not Post Online.' Send only pictures that are blurry or where the baby's face isn't fully visible."
"You're mama bear. What you say goes. Don't feel guilty or obligated. This is likely your only child, so don't let her taint that special experience." - _Winterlong_
"The last time I laid an egg, people had to be buzzed into Labor and Delivery after confirming their identities at the front desk, and again at the nurses' station."
"It's pretty easy to keep her out of there: front desk denial. I would wait until the family is home safe to tell her about the baby's birth. Let her know that she does not have permission to post any pictures or information without consent, and her accounts can and will be suspended." - Entry-Party
"An info diet is absolutely called for, and I wouldn't tell her a thing until OP is back home and ready for a (very short) visit."
"The only thing I'd edit with what you wrote is the penalty at the end. For each successive boundary violation, I'd tack on an extra week. So for a first infraction, she gets one week in time out, and for the third, three weeks. Let her see that she's doing it to herself." - Organized_Khaos
Others agreed with the OP that blocking might be the way to go, but they also entertained going no contact with her altogether.
"Not responding to OP is her way of disregarding her and is openly disrespectful. Grounds to go no contact right there. If they let her anywhere near the birth process, she is going to behave like a petulant child and attempt to direct the attention to herself. And will post live on social media the entire time." - mshayes17
"Nah, because genuinely, going around you is so disrespectful. I would be feeling EVERY type of way if you went to my husband after I contacted you directly. This is an open line of communication. Right here. To me. The one with the problem, the one who is pregnant."
"Going to my husband to cry about it wouldn't do anything but make me livid. I haven't been pregnant, but I already have a low tolerance, and I know my pregnant ass absolutely would call my sister and say, 'Hey, come help me, I'm going to mom and dad's,' and I would NOT be playing with ANYONE."
"Then again, I also don't think I would've made it 20 years without hurting her feelings to the point of hating me." - tiredjusttired23
"I like the idea of visiting time-outs, but I would increase the time for every infraction. First time a week, second time.. two weeks, third time… a month, etc., wonder how long it will take her to get the point." - drtennis13
"You need to tell your husband & MIL that insisting on enforcing your rules and boundaries is just the way YOU are!"
"When people give me that 'just the way I am' garbage, I retort, 'And I don't put up with that bulls**t excuse because that's just the way I am!' Turn it around and throw it back at her." - CampfiresInConifers
"After you 'calm down,' he'll revisit this with you. F**k that! You have a husband problem, and you need to figure this out now. I would set up couples counseling pronto."
"I would also reassert that you meant what you said. You will keep her blocked because she's overstepping and unapologetic. And you expect him not to tell her anything that is not public knowledge, or he will be breaking your trust in him."
"These excuses are coming off as small now… but what happens when she takes the baby to pierce her ears without telling you? Cutting her hair cause she thinks it's better short?"
"Will you accept his excuse of 'that is the way she is' is going to be LOUD AS F**K when something bigger happens. Your husband problem is the only thing you need to focus on. She can't trample on boundaries if you both are perfectly aligned and follow through with actions."
"NTA." - friendlilylily
Though the subReddit could understand the OP's mother-in-law being excited to become a grandmother, there needed to be boundaries in place that everyone could respect, and the OP's mother-in-law did not seem too interested in that right now.
If she couldn't respect boundaries, especially when it came to internet safety, an information diet or blocking her for the time being inevitably would be best. If she didn't like that, she could change her behavior herself.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp