Choosing a religion, or a belief for you kids is an intimate experience.
And it's one that doesn't have to involve every family member.
But that doesn't stop this issue from growing into major problems.
Case in point...
Redditor Ecstatic-Bullfrog291 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for not wanting a religious ceremony for my kids?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My husband and I have 3 month old twin girls."
"We live a 3 hour plane ride from our families."
"But are looking to move closer to them next year (still 2-3 hour drive)."
"My M[other] I[n] L[aw] who just got finished imposing herself on us the first two months of the twins being born, is now trying to plan a blessing ceremony in a baptist church for the twins."
"And randomly reached out to us to let us know she has a pastor lined up."
"This was our first time hearing about this."
"We don’t know any of these people, as it is her community."
"I don’t want a bunch of strangers hovering over or touching my children."
"And my husband and I haven’t set foot in a church in over 12 years and have no intention on raising our children in a religious setting."
"It just seems unnecessary and hypocritical to have this ceremony and have the stress of traveling with twins to appease what seems to be her need to make a show of the twins."
"I didn’t know much about the ceremony."
"Ao I asked my oldest sister (who is the only one in the family that attends church regularly)."
"She thinks we should compromise with her and have a small ceremony for family."
"Apart from her son, neither of my other siblings children were pressured into compromising to have this ceremony."
"AITA for refusing it? Or should I just go through with the hassle of having it?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
Let's hear some thoughts...
"NTA. It's your kids. You do you."
"She didn't reach out until she had everything lined up and expects you to pack up ship on her whim??"
"If you say yes to this I'm afraid that sends the wrong message to Grandma." ~ Sarcastic_Troll
"NTA. IF you do not make your wish/intention of a non-religious upbringing clear now it will only result in more and more disagreements in future." ~ PurpuraLiber
"I was on the fence until you said this."
"Your MIL does not respect your religious choices at all."
"This isn’t about your twins, this is a show to elevate her in her church."
"Don’t allow it."
"If you do, she will continue to force her views on you until you eventually have a showdown."
"Better to nip it in the bud now." ~ maidenmothercrone333
OP responded...
"My husband has mentioned it to her previously and how we don’t go to church, we don’t pray etc etc."
"She just rolls her eyes and will at later points in time randomly ask about doing religious things as if we didn’t mention it previously."
Reddit continued...
"I am always in the NTA for not forcing your religion on children who cannot make a choice on what they want."
"OP should put their foot down and say no."
"Sadly I'm betting that will put MIL in toxic, sneaking, and victim mode."
"Expect facebook posts about it,"
"MIL being the victim always, and you two damming your children or the like."
"She'll get family and friends on it with the 'it'll make her happy, just do it and don't worry about it going forward' statement."
"I'm also betting MIL demands to have the kids over a weekend, because it's a long distance, and they need grand parent attention."
"She'll just do the thing then behind your backs so you'll find out later."
"She strikes me as the 'Damned to the parents my grand baby's are getting baptized to save there little souls' type of person."
"This can happen anywhere from now to late teens easily as well." ~ Blinken01
"NTA. She expects you to..."
"Expose your babies to germs from hundreds of strangers that you don't even know when Covid, monkeypox and polio are around."
"Travel in a plane with 3 month old twins."
"Because that is oh-so-easy.
"Use up your money and possibly your vacation days, both of which are undoubtedly in short supply since you just had two babies."
"Spend days caring for two infants away from the comforts of home."
"Pretend to be a part of a religion you are not part of."
"All to satisfy her ego."
"None of this is about supporting you or the babies."
"All of this is about using the babies as props in her 'I'm a devoted religious person whose family follows my faith' play that she is putting on for her friends."
"Which is ridiculous, because if you were followers of her religion, you'd have your own congregation and she'd be traveling to you to celebrate."
"Tell her no. She will have a tantrum like a toddler."
"But that is okay. It's good practice for you."
"In two years, you will have two little people who have similar tantrums."
"The difference is: your kids will outgrow tantrums and will learn that the world doesn't revolve around their whims." ~ mindful-bed-slug
"NTA. I too am not religious, but my friends who are religious will agree that you shouldn't partake in religious rituals unless you intend to subscribe to that religion."
"By participating in the ceremony, you would be symbolically agreeing to the ideas behind the ritual."
"As a side note, baptisms are supposed to wash the child of original sin (Adam and Eve eating from the Tree of Knowledge against God's orders)."
"It is believed in some denominations that baptism is a prerequisite to entering heaven."
"The practice of doing this at birth started at a time when most children didn't make it, but some newer denominations make it a choice for their version of 'adults.'" ~ whatever-the-logo-is
OP said...
"I completely agree it would feel like we’re agreeing to continue this religion."
"Even what I can find on Google says to upkeep the blessing you have to continue to teach the faith etc etc."
"My sister tried to convince me that you don’t, but it just doesn’t feel that way at all and logically it doesn’t make sense that it isn’t hypocritical."
We continue...
"NTA. I would not go through with this unless you want her boundary stomping going forward."
"If you aren’t raising your kids religiously, they don’t need a religious ceremony."
"Especially one that was planned without your knowledge and to be held during flu season."
"Back out."
"Politely decline and just say the kids aren’t feeling well so you won’t be making the trek or something." ~ Conspiring_Bitch
"NTA. I don't believe you should do anything you're not comfortable with."
"You should never be pressured to do anything like this."
"Please let them know you are not into this."
"I'm religious but it's never ok to force your beliefs or practices on someone else." ~ Indyblu52
"NTA. Your kids and your decision."
"However you do have a huge mother-in-law problem and it sounds like your spouse really needs to step up."
"If as you say she has impose herself on you for the past two months and no one told her that wasn’t OK."
"Someone needs to have a conversation with her." ~ GonnaBeOverIt
OP shared...
"She was supposed to help, but what I requested help with and what she ended up actually doing were very different things."
"He tried to keep a balance to make everyone happy."
"But at least at the end of the day he tells her he’s going with my decision as his children’s mother."
"And to be fair, she doesn’t really respect his boundaries and often pulls the 'I gave birth to you' card despite us both being 30+ years old."
Continue...
"NTA, I was raised with the liberty of choosing if I wanted to be in the religious social community or NAH."
"The blessing ceremony can be postponed until she can decide by herself if she wants it or not."
"I got it at 10 after being told 'you will get the gifts and the cake even if you don't do it' to make sure I wasn't going into it because I wanted the gifts."
"A child should be raised with their parents allowing them to decide instead of doing something 'to make a side of the family happy.'" ~ Spina97
"NTA. Tell MIL 'thanks but actually we are going to have a naming ceremony instead and introduce the children to the family there.'"
'"They will choose a religion and can be baptised when they are old enough to understand what they are agreeing to."'
"Then plan your own party and never leave the kids alone with her when she could baptise them against your wished." ~ Obsidian-Winter
Well OP, Reddit hears you.
Your kids, your choices.
It maybe time for a chat with MIL.
Good luck.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.