Content Warning: Cheating, Affair Partner
It's true that everyone makes mistakes, but most people don't see cheating in a relationship as a mistake or an accident, at least not one that couldn't have been prevented in the first place.
It's certainly not something to lie about after the fact, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor throwawayfiancecheat was devastated when she found out her future husband had an affair partner and started her life over, eventually marrying someone else and having children.
When she found out that the affair partner had gone on to marry a man that her husband worked with, the Original Poster (OP) felt no need to lie about how she knew the woman.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for exposing my ex-fiancé's mistress 12 years later?"
The OP was devastated when she first discovered her future husband was cheating on her.
"12 years ago, I (36 Female) was engaged and about to get married to Karl."
"Everything in my life seemed perfect until I found out my fiancé was having an affair with a new hire at his job named Camilla (20s Female). Both of them were in serious relationships."
"I broke off the engagement with Karl as soon as I found out and told Camilla's boyfriend about the cheating."
The OP created a new life for herself, only for her past to find her again.
"Well, it was hard for me, but I moved on after months of therapy and the help of my friends and family."
"Now I am married to Henry (41 Male), my amazing husband and father of our four children (9 Female, 7 Male, 4 Male, and 4 Female)."
"I moved to the other side of the country years ago, and I never thought about my ex-fiancé or the cheating again."
"My husband works in a law firm. Last year they hired a new lawyer, Daniel (34 Male), who moved with his family to live in our area. He and my husband became very good friends, as they have similar interests and personalities."
"Henry asked me to invite Daniel's family to our house to help with adjusting to the new city and job."
"When Daniel came to my house for a play date for our kids (his kids are 4 Male and 2 Female), he introduced us to his wife, Cam (30s Female)."
"Well, Cam was Camilla. I really didn't know how to react when I recognized her, and I had the impression that she also recognized me."
"Our husbands didn't understand why everything seemed so tense, and we pretended to not know each other and made failed attempts at small talk."
"After an hour, Cam made up an excuse and her family left."
"Henry noticed my behavior and asked me what was happening. I told him everything. He already knew about my past with Karl and the affair."
"Later that day, I received a text from Camilla begging me to not tell Daniel about 'our past.' I read the message and didn't reply. But I decided to not say anything and mind my business. This was not my problem anymore."
The truth didn't stay buried for long.
"After a week of silence, Daniel showed up at our doorstep, looking very agitated."
"He talked to my husband alone and after, Henry asked me to tell Daniel my version of everything."
"Like my husband, Daniel realized something weird happened at our meeting and spent the week trying to get answers from his wife. She refused to tell him what happened and then tried to say I was her ex-boyfriend's side chick and that's why we were so tense."
"Daniel didn't buy her story, and they had a massive fight."
"After the fight, he realized I was the one who could tell him the truth."
"And I did tell him everything after he asked. I even showed him the text message Camilla sent me. I didn't feel the need to sugarcoat things, since Camilla was out there telling lies about me."
"Daniel was in complete shock because cheating was a trigger for him. His father cheated on his mom for years and left the family for his mistress, which made him hate cheaters. Camilla knew about this since their first date."
"Daniel left our house looking defeated, and on the same day, I received a call from Camilla accusing me of being a revengeful b***h. She said I was trying to destroy her life."
The OP felt slightly conflicted.
"I don't think I was wrong for telling the truth, but this happened last year and I received calls and random messages from people close to Camilla, saying I am an a**hole for exposing Camilla's past to her husband."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that it was fair for the truth about Camilla's past to come out.
"NTA. You told the truth after she told lies. Did she expect you to go along with what she said so you could be the bad guy for as long as your husband and Daniel are workmates?" - MrPKitty
"NTA. Camilla had multiple chances to not f**k up her current marriage, too."
"1. Don't cheat or knowingly be an affair partner."
"2. If you know you've done something in your past that someone you're currently dating is sensitive about, come clean and show them you've changed when you know they take issue with it."
"3. Tell him at SOME point between meeting him and running into the person you f**ked over."
"And, failing the first three, then, 4. Be honest when you've been caught and be genuinely apologetic."
"There were so many opportunities for her to get ahead of this that didn't include her attempting to throw OP, someone who owes her less than zero loyalty, under the bus." - perpetuallyxhausted
"There's a song, something about, 'don't spread lies about me and I won't spread the truth about you,' that seems fitting here. NTA NTA NTA." - Fragrant-Wall-2065
"You didn't go out of your way to say anything. Daniel came to you looking for answers when his wife wouldn't tell him."
"AND, and, he only came over because Camilla lied anyway. Every way you look at it this is Camilla's fault. She cheated, she broke up an engagement, she intentionally withheld that knowing how important it was, she tried to get OP to lie, then she lied herself."
"That's an awful lot of blame to go in only one place. NTA." - Beth21286
"There were so many opportunities for her to come clean and handle things maturely. If you know your partner is sensitive about something from your past, it's important to address it early on, especially before it becomes an issue."
"Trying to cover it up or shifting blame only makes things worse, and in this case, it seems like she tried to deflect responsibility instead of being honest, which just added to the mess."
"It's wild that she tried to throw OP under the bus, especially when OP owes her no loyalty. It just makes her look worse. If she had taken responsibility for her past actions and been upfront, maybe things could've been different, but now she's reaping the consequences of her dishonesty." - Flat-Victory-655
Others were disgusted that Camilla tried to make the OP out to be the "side chick."
"This is LITERALLY what Karma is!"
"Plus, she tried to make you out to be the mistress/side chick. That's f**ked up!"
"Sorry not sorry for Camilla. NTA." - RecommendationNo3942
"NTA. She was a brainless idiot to say that you were the side-chick and think that bit of slander wouldn't come back to bite her in the a**."
"She could have just made out that you were acquaintances and your personalities just clashed and you didn't like each other, but no, she said something that someone would no doubt correct sooner rather than later." - AdEuphoric1184
"NTA. She lied and tried to make you the villain. What did she expect, that you'd just play along indefinitely?! You simply told the truth when asked, and the fallout is on her, not you." - RoseLuxeX
"NTA. The former side chick tried to lie to her husband and say YOU were the side chick? Nope. You were under no obligation or kindness to let her keep telling that lie." - NanaLeonie
"If you keep hearing from people about this, I would only reply, 'If Camilla hadn't lied about me being her fiancé's side chick when it was the other way around, I wouldn't have needed to defend myself and my reputation with the truth.'"
"NTA." - Liu1845
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in a second post.
"Daniel and Camilla are not divorced. After leaving our house, Daniel stayed at a hotel for a while. Then he got back to his house and they started doing couples therapy."
"The harassment through calls and texts lasted over a month. Henry was about to send a cease and desist when he decided to talk to Daniel about this. Daniel handled it. What I know through Henry is that most of Camilla's flying monkeys didn't know the full story and when Daniel set things straight they stopped."
"Camilla emailed me months after, apologizing. I accepted her apology, but we are not close, and I don't felt like her words were genuine. Most likely she wants to save her marriage."
The OP was relieved that Daniel was doing well.
"Talking about their marriage, Daniel and I talked some months after this at a party in my house, and I told him that I felt terrible for my part in their marital problems and he reassured me."
"Daniel said that they were already having issues before we met, seems like she wasn't happy about moving here and leaving her family on the other side of the country."
"Also, they were having money problems because their old state had a higher cost of living, since Camilla left work after she got pregnant with their second child, they had less money, and cutting costs on their lifestyle was making them fight. The move to our state made sense because it was a better position with a good raise."
But the couple seemed to have ongoing problems.
"I don't know much else about it, just that recently Henry told me that Daniel was depressed after a big fight they had about Thanksgiving. Camilla wanted to travel to their old state to stay with her family and Daniel wanted to visit his mother, who lives closer."
"Everybody in the office knows about their fight since Daniel asked to stay at a coworker's place."
"Daniel told Henry directly that he would start divorce proceedings because in their last fight, Camilla was talking about taking the kids and moving back closer to her parents. He said that she would not have full custody of his kids."
"That's basically all I know and I don't really know if Daniel will go through with a divorce."
While Camilla claimed to want a fresh start and for her marriage to work, the subReddit reassured the OP that it was not her job to help Camilla make that happen.
By being an affair partner, lying about it, and trying to put the blame on someone else, Camilla had only managed to set herself up for failure, rather than taking accountability, healing, and moving on.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.