Any adult who has started a family with a partner can agree that there will be times that the parents will not agree about something, whether it involves their parenting style or some other important matter.
But everyone should be able to agree that the children should not be placed in the middle of the disagreement for someone to try to prove a point, stressed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
While visiting her parents, Redditor Weird_Theme_2795 made it clear to her husband that she did not agree with him letting his homeless brother stay in their home while he attempted to get back on his feet.
When she returned home and realized what had happened as a result of her husband not listening to her, the Original Poster (OP) decided to go back to her parents' house and allow her husband to deal with the consequences of his own actions... alone.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for turning around and going back to my parents' house with my baby when I got home after I realized my husband let his homeless brother move in and everyone had lice because of it?"
The OP and her husband had a difference of opinion while she was visiting her parents.
"I recently went to see my parents with my newborn. It was just for the long weekend so my husband stayed home with our three older children, ages seven, five, and three."
"My husband called me when I was out of town to let me know his brother needed a place to crash."
"I said that he should give him a ride to a shelter or something because it was a bad idea to let his brother into our home. He has stolen from us before."
"My husband ended up letting him stay there for five days."
When she saw the state of her home, the returning OP immediately left again.
"When I got home, there were five very itchy people in the house. They had a bad case of lice."
"I immediately got back in my car and went to my parents' house."
"My husband was calling me the whole time because he needed help dealing with the lice."
"I didn't call him back until the baby was settled back in at my folk's place."
"I told him the pharmacy had the shampoo and comb for lice."
"He said he needed me to come home and take care of it."
The OP didn't want to deal with lice ever again.
"I noped right out of that. I said that he let his brother in our home against my wishes. His brother gave them all lice."
"I also reminded him that when our oldest got lice from kindergarten, he didn't help me at all."
"I hate lice. They freak me out. I dealt with it because I had to."
"This time, it's on him. He said that he would have to use up his sick days to take care of this."
"I said tough s**t."
The OP's husband was angry with her for not helping him through the situation.
"He did it. He took his brother to a shelter, he deloused himself and the kids, and then he spent three days cleaning all the bedding and the furniture."
"He called me every day, begging for help."
"I did not come home until his mother stopped by the house and confirmed that everything was done."
"He is p**sed that I stuck him with all that by himself."
"I know I should have helped, but it was too much. I'm still not back to being one hundred percent after having my baby; plus there's the health of my baby to consider. It was just too much."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some understood the husband's frustrations and felt the OP should have helped her family.
"YTA. His brother is your family. When my kids were younger, we had multiple bouts of lice from school. Yes, it's gross, but it's not life-threatening. Families used took care of one another, not just drop each other off at a shelter! Not all societies have homeless people." - redshan01
"Oh, yeah, awesome, now he has to work even when he's sick next time when you could've helped him."
"Great wife. What an awesome, spiteful hill to die on."
"Technically, you are in the right, but you're just an a**hole. YTA." - kungkamel
"NTA mostly and a bit of YTA."
"It's good to see his actions have consequences and to deal with them. That's NTA."
"The problem, however, and where the YTA comes in, is not letting his brother stay. With that, I agree and you should, too. If you had a homeless sister, she should also be helped."
"But he should have been cleaned in the garage or something before. That was the mistake. And maybe you could've suggested or helped with that, instead of refusing to welcome him. This was TA from your part." - Few_Ebb9489
"YTA. Never never never would I leave my children with lice and not help them deal with it. I absolutely would expect their father to do the majority of the work and give him h**l. I just could not leave my kids like that, even if it was their dad's fault."
"I know you are disgusted by it. Your children probably are disgusted by it, too, but they were helpless in that situation. NTA for trying to make your husband pay for the consequences of his actions and being mad. I feel bad for your other kids, though; you only prioritized the baby." - Ok_You_5818
"Your husband is an AH for letting his brother stay, but your other kids needed you, as well. It wasn't about him. YTA." - cagedbird82
"ESH, and that includes you. Not because you left him, but because you left three of your children also, including a three-year-old, to fend for themselves because 'ew, lice.' I feel sorry for your kids for having to suffer the two of you. They had to deal with a bad case of lice AND learn that they can't depend on their mother when things get hard, all in the same weekend." - Somzer
"Don't get me wrong, your husband is absolutely an a**hole for not only going against your wishes but putting your kids' health in danger."
"But YOU, on the other hand, left three of your four children with him and your brother-in-law in this horrible situation? Your CHILDREN shouldn't be forced to suffer even if the dad is a d**kwad."
"ESH." - DmnDgSys
"ESH. Your husband was definitely in the wrong. I'm not even going to attempt to excuse anything he did. But you left your three other children to suffer more and longer than if you had helped out."
"I would have agreed with all the N T A comments if you had dropped the baby off with your parents and then had gone back to help your other children. But what you did is so petty, and your older kids had to suffer just for you to prove a point to your husband."
"That's not how marriage should work and certainly isn't how you should raise kids." - VSparks
"You're both a**holes. He took a homeless guy into the house when he should have put his family first."
"YTA because you should have been willing to help your family and children and put them first. You signed up to be a member of the family, and I'm sure the kids would have appreciated your attention, care, and love instead of avoidance."
"He's an id**t, and YTA." - captainjt1
But others didn't think the OP had "stuck" anything to her husband at all.
"Oh look, it's the consequences of his own actions! NTA." - Green-Yesterday-9610
"NTA. You didn't 'stick him' with anything."
"He stuck it to himself by bringing someone who's violated your trust into the house against your, and probably his, better judgment. Hopefully, he'll learn something from it." - runsandbreakfast
"It was literally your only choice. If you took care of it, his brother would still be living there. He has no business blaming you for his own decisions."
"You are 100% NTA, and don't let him try that s**t with you." - disregardable
"NTA. HE decided to invite his brother after you said no due to previous problems with him... but he expected YOU to handle the delousing aftermath for him?!? Oh, I don't think so!" - Ornery-Wasabi-473
"A woman with a newborn! She should risk them both getting lice to rescue her husband from his stupid decision?"
"I hope these 'demands' are not a common thing because he didn't even consider her limitations, only his self-victimization. The poor man had to deal with the consequences of his actions."
"NTA." - babcock27
"For real, you need to come home and take care of it, he says. A grown man, a father of four, and he expects THE OP to deal with the consequences of HIS actions. What in the actual h**l?"
"NTA."
"Stop being sorry. He did the exact thing you told him not to, and he's mad at you for not making it go away for him. No, you should NOT have stayed to help. Maybe this way he'll learn not to do it again. Ugh." - dryadduinath
"NTA… The real question here is, does your husband ALWAYS expect you to clean up problems resulting from his substandard decision-making?"
"Also, is this reflective of his usual types of choices? If so, you need to protect yourself and your children from that and hope it's not a genetic trait. You made the right choice." - lovescarats
"NTA and you enforced an important boundary. He now knows that:"
"1. One no or two yeses is to be enforced."
"2. If he screws up, he'll deal with the fallout."
"3. You're not a doormat."
"When he gets over his hurt feelings (I had to fix what I messed up! Oh, the horror!), your marriage will be stronger. You just saved yourself years of aggravation."
"And to try to pull that s**t after you are still recovering from childbirth and taking care of a newborn… SMH (Shaking My Head). Tsk tsk." - Diligent-Syllabub898
"NTA."
"And I just wanted to add that my Dad had a sketchy street friend stay with us briefly when we were kids, and he gave my siblings tuberculosis. It took six months of daily antibiotics to clear the infection."
"It isn't a nice thought, but you are right to protect your kids from the risk of close contact with people whose lifestyle puts them at increased risk of infectious disease. I'm thankful it was only lice for your family."
"It's not easy for the brother who is experiencing homelessness, it's not easy for your husband to turn his brother away, and it's not easy for you to refuse to come home despite your husband's pleas. It's just a lot of people making hard choices from crappy options."
"Hopefully, you can find grace for each other and move forward with some new agreements in place. I hope you start feeling better soon and sorry this happened, it sounds like a really stressful and challenging time." - Temporary-Abrocoma29
While the subReddit could understand the OP wanting to make a point to her husband, and they agreed that the husband shouldn't get off the hook that easily for something the OP didn't want to do in the first place, they otherwise had to side with the OP's children in this situation.
Though the OP did the right thing for her baby by keeping them away from the lice, she effectively abandoned her older three children to prove a point to her husband.
Whether or not her husband learned anything from this, her children more than likely learned that their mom would leave them any time things got the least bit hard.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp