Redditor Admirable-Egg-3800 is soon-to-be a new parent.
Their wife and baby mama recently got invited to her sister’s wedding in Lebanon, far from their home in Canada.
The wedding would take place when their unborn child is 8 months old. Due to financial difficulties, the OP and their wife can’t both attend.
Because of this, the OP’s wife proposed that she attend, leaving their baby with her spouse.
However, the OP feels their baby will be much too young to have their mother away for that long.
This caused a disagreement between the couple, driving the OP to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA).
They asked:
“AITA for thinking my wife shouldn’t leave our baby for 2 weeks?”
They went on to explain:
“So my wife is currently pregnant. Her sister recently told her that she was getting married. However she is having the wedding back in their home country of Lebanon. We currently all live in Canada.”
“At the time the sister is getting married next year our baby will be about 8 months old.”
“We already have money issues and I would struggle to get time off, so my wife suggested she go to Lebanon alone for 2 weeks.”
“Personally I was kind of shocked she even suggested it. The baby would still be breast feeding at that time.”
“If it was only a couple of days I could manage with pre-pumped milk. Or if the baby was a couple of years old and eating solid food I could manage.”
“But it seemed way too young to leave for that length of time.”
“I told her she couldn’t leave such a young baby for so long. But she said it’s her sister’s wedding and she should be there. I said it’s the sister’s own fault for choosing to have it in Lebanon.”
“My wife has now been giving me the silent treatment since I said it.”
“AITA?”
“EDIT:”
“A common question is why she wouldn’t take the baby with her. The main issue is that Lebanon wasn’t the safest country in the world to begin with…”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“NTA and I think there’s every chance your wife might change her mind when the baby actually arrives and the reality of leaving for two weeks creeps in.” – Best_Huckleberry_378
“Yup, same here. There’s a hypothetical baby, and then there’s REAL BABY and hormones and breastfeeding requirements.”
“Because if she’s planning on nursing, two weeks without any baby & trying to pump will be effectively weaning.”
“She’s going to go through physical changes that can affect the fit of her clothing. (Important for wedding & special occasion)”
“At this point, it’s just easier to do the ‘Mmmmm, let’s wait and see about this after the baby arrives.'”
“So much will change for you both over the next 12 months, and who knows what will be going on in Lebanon at that point too.”
“Or her sister & Fiance could break up in the meantime. It’s very unpredictable.”
“NTA” – Bring-out-le-mort
“YTA -”
“‘I told her she couldn’t leave'”
“‘I said it’s the sister’s own fault for choosing to have it in Lebanon'”
“I think you need to have a conversation about this, not shut her down and blame the sister.” – jrm1102
“YTA”
“You’re acting like you won’t be able to care for your own kid. You can start transitioning your kid from breast milk to formula or you can stock up on breast milk.”
“Also keep in mind it’s not a guarantee your wife will be able to breastfeed. Not every woman will be able to.”
“She may also change her mind one the baby is here. She may want to take it or decide not to go.”
“You’ve got plenty of time to prepare for this. So, ask if time off now for a certain date would be reasonable. Plan ahead.”
“If it’s a money issue, all the more reason not to go, but don’t make this about how you won’t be able to take care of the kid.” – CosmicPolaris
“Table the conversation for now. You’re talking about a year from now. It might not be possible to travel to Lebanon.”
“Your wife might not want to leave her baby once it’s actually around. Baby might refuse a bottle. Sister might call off the wedding.”
“Alternatively, wife might not be able to breastfeed. Baby might need formula for other reasons. Wife might overproduce so much that your freezer stash can last for a month. You might win the lottery.”
“You are borrowing way too much trouble here. Don’t make your wife feel like a bad mother before the baby is even born.”
“She’s seeing her whole life change and is potentially going to have to miss her own sister’s wedding because of it.”
“There is no way to predict whether the logistical aspects will work at this distance.”
“ETA: What is this comments section? If a woman posted this, no one would assume she needed to hire a nanny to fill in for her husband while he was away for two weeks.”
“OP never implied anywhere that wife was going to be a SAHM.” – estherstein
“You’re in the wrong here, but I don’t think it’s because you’re the AH. You’re just ignorant when it comes to breastfeeding.”
“In 8 months’ time, assuming breastfeeding goes well for your wife, she has plenty of time to stock up two weeks’ worth of milk.”
“By that time, you’ll be able to supplement some with solid foods. And worst comes to worst, you can supplement with formula.”
“It’s her sister’s wedding, and it’s important for your wife to go. Since it sounds like your only concern is milk, and that’s something that can be dealt with, I think you’re in the wrong here.”
“But I won’t go as far as to call you TA.” – BDizzMcNizz
“YTA. Your baby will be closer to being able to transition to whole milk, not a newborn. You’re also not anticipating that there will be any issues with breastfeeding (supply issues, mastitis, etc).”
“They will be exploring solid foods at that point. You can feed the baby formula with a bottle.”
“This is her sister. She doesn’t want to miss the wedding. Can’t you understand that? You sound like you just don’t want to solo parent for two weeks.” – Interesting_Order_82
“YTA. Not because of your concerns. As the other parent, of course, you have questions about how it will all work.”
“It’s even understandable to be nervous about the idea of doing this on your own. But, by then, you’ll have eight months of experience.”
“However, for me, the a**hole part comes in when you are TELLING her what she can and cannot do.”
“Also, I think it’s absolute bullsh*t that men can go on whatever trips they want without worrying about it because wives are supposed to take care of kids or whatever.”
“She deserves to go on that trip IF she still wants to after the baby actually arrives. Eight months isn’t as fragile or scary of a time as when they are brand new.”
“You are a grown man who has fathered a child. You should be able to figure it out so your wife can do something important to her.”
“Either go with her or start getting the baby used to formula a bit before time if she can’t freeze enough working up to the trip.”
“My husband was deployed, and I was alone with our baby. I managed to go to work, go to out-of-state work conferences, do the grocery shopping, and all the other things.”
“Single dads all over the world do it full time. Stop telling her she can’t be with her sister and start looking for solutions.”
“She may decide not to go when it comes down to it. It’s hard to leave a baby. Either way, she will never forget that you were supportive in this time.”
“If you get with her to make a workable plan and she decides not to go, you’re a rock star husband who is supportive and she can count on.”
“If she does go and you decide not to be a jerk about it, you’re also a rock star husband. If it’s your decision that she can’t go rather than hers, the resentment will be real.”
“You can be a winner whether she decides to go or not. Or, you can be the guy who keeps her from her family. That will linger and sour your relationship.” – StacyB125
“NTA. You can’t afford it. The breastfeeding argument is a non-starter because of freezing milk, mashed foods, and whatnot.”
“What matters is that you can’t afford to take off work to look after the baby so your wife can go to Lebanon. Hiring a nanny for those weeks would cost a lot.”
“I think you should price out how much it would cost for your wife to go, including the nanny, plane tickets, hotel costs (if she’s not staying with family), etc….”
“…and sit down with your wife and have a genuine discussion about your finances. If it’s possible, maybe her sister could foot some of the bill if it’s really important to the sister that she be there.”
“You’re kind of right about the sister, I think. If you have a destination wedding, you have to accept the reality that some people just can’t afford the expense.”
“If your wife accepts that, maybe she and her sister could have a get-together/mini reception before the wedding in Lebanon, and invite the friends that can’t make it overseas.”
“Edit- it occurred to me after I posted that if you have family who you trust that could come help with the baby, I think that might be a good option to discuss.” – Royal_Basil_1915
There’s no clear-cut answer to this one.