Becoming a new parent is difficult.
It can feel like there are a thousand questions and no concrete answers.
The whole world becomes about wipes and diapers and formulas in what feels like a moment.
Scrambling to find the "correct" answers to these questions can often cause more problems then are fixed.
This was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) EnvironmentalNewt996 when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for some outside opinions.
She asked:
"AITA for 'exposing my newborn to inappropriate media'?"
OP began with a bit of background.
"My husband and I became parents in March, and we decided I'd take maternity leave and become a stay at home mom (SAHM) for the rest of the year."
"He's a great husband and father, and we have a pretty even divide of labour when he's home."
"Now I love my baby, but at this age they aren't that fun and mostly sleep."
"I received a mosses basket at my baby shower, so often she'll be in there sleeping instead of in our room since I prefer her being closer and she sleeps well in it."
"When I'm folding laundry, I'll do it in my living room and watch tv while I do so."
"I always keep it low and have subtitles on as well to not wake our baby, and honestly it gives me some 'me time' while also doing something I have to do."
"I'm currently catching up on the most recent season of SVU."
"I'm also a big reader and our pediatrician told us reading to babies from birth is important, so often I'll just read out loud whatever book I'm reading."
Then OP explained the problem at hand.
"One afternoon, I was folding laundry while our baby was sleeping next to me, and my husband surprised us by coming home early with dinner."
"He came in happy but kinda deflated once seeing what was on the tv before turning it off."
"He asked why I was watching that in front of our kid and said it was extremely inappropriate due to the content and I should know not to expose her to that kind of content."
"I felt awful since I didn't want to harm her in anyway and so I agreed to stop."
She turned to her Pediatrician for advice.
"We had an appointment with her pediatrician and I asked her about our situation. She calmed me down, told me I was doing a great job, and that at this age our baby didn't care and wasn't being harmed or negatively impacted."
"She even encouraged me to keep reading to her as much as I was since it was beneficial and the content wasn't too important at this stage."
"She obviously told me that as she gets older, it obviously wouldn't be appropriate but currently, there was no harm."
"I told my husband this but he didn't change his mind, and was disappointed that I didn't care about his opinion and wanted to keep doing it."
OP was left to wonder,
"AITA?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for outside opinions.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some encouraged communication.
"NTA"
"You did care about his opinion, otherwise you wouldn't have asked someone who specializes in child development about it."
"At the end of the day, unless your husband is a developmental psychologist the pediatrician probably knows more about what your kid should and shouldn't be exposed to at a young age."
"I'd have that conversation with him and if he's still insistent, he's probably more focused on maintaining some amount of control than he is the wellbeing of your kid" ~ JBagginsKK
Others shared their own stories.
"NTA."
"I watched Vikings, SVU, Dexter, Breaking Bad and Game of Thrones while cluster feeding my newborn for six hours every night for weeks."
"Whatever I could watch on cable on demand or on blu ray. She is fine."
"My husband read her Shooter as an infant because we also followed the "read everything aloud" advice from our pediatrician."
"If you had TV on nonstop or neglected to interact, hold or cuddle her because you were too wrapped up in SVU, that is different but it isn't a thing when baby is sleeping!" ~ wildferalfun
There was also caution against letting it get quiet during sleepytime.
"NTA"
"Your husband sounds a little dumb though (just because he thinks he knows more than the doctor)."
"Was he at the appointment with you and the doctor?"
"The baby is a few weeks old, they aren't capable of comprehending this stuff and they sure as hell can't read subtitles."
"They can't really see much yet."
"They just need to hear your voice."
"Also you don't have to keep quiet while the baby sleeps. She heard you talking and watching tv while she was in the womb sleeping and it is much easier later on if you teach them to sleep with sound now."
"Because when she is a toddler, it will be nap time in loud places some times (the store, holiday at family's house, traffic, an airplane, doctor office, resturant, etc) and the world isn't going to be quiet just for her to sleep."
"And you dont want a toddler who misses nap time. They are not happy."
"Watch tv while you can, with the volume on, because soon enough you are going to be stuck with the neverending sounds of peppa pig, bluey, my little pony, paw patrol, super why, and a bunch of other kid shows." ~ Ask_Aspie_
Or,
"Hard agree on the use volume to improve sleep noise tolerance!"
"My husband was in such a snit about silent sleep environment for our baby at night when I had to get her to sleep and he thought the white noise machine was deafeningly loud."
"Until our upstairs neighbor moved their mom in and she rattled around the condo all day long when he was responsible for naps... then, suddenly, white noise and adapting to normal and abnormal noise was so important."
"Babies can tolerate a lot of noise and living among normal noise makes life much more sane."
"Otherwise my husband with his clicking ankle joint would have never been allowed to walk around the place 🤣" ~ wildferalfun
Commenters encouraged OP to relax.
"NTA I had to smile at this."
"1st-time parents over-cautious."
"The baby is a newborn and sleeps a ton of hrs, they won't understand or know anything about what you're watching."
"Back in 2000 when I had my oldest I was watching MTV and Eminem was huge, loved the crime shows, SVU is one of my favorites along with CSI."
"Whatever you watch is not going to affect the baby."
"You will go insane stuck watching Disney, and PBS with sesame Street."
"In a yr or so your TV will be taken over by a toddler who has to watch the same certain cartoons every single day, and the same movie a million times."
"My oldest now is a hardworking man, and planning on getting married end of this year or next, so what I watched when he was a baby did not affect him at all."
"I did let my kids growing up watch those crime shows."
"My soon to be 17 yr old daughter loves them, at 12 made me worried when she said they can get rid of a body this way, but she is a sweet girl wanting to go to college to be a teacher, but also football manager for her highschool."
"So those shows didn't affect her."
"Read as much as possible, even read the subtitles."
"My reading to my daughter and her older talkative brothers got her talking really young, and in elementary she was always in the highest reading levels, but loves to read, when they ask for a book instead of candy or a toy, you know you did something right."
"Your next child things will be even more relaxed." ~ Awkward_Joke_5748
Of course, there were plenty of people encouraging education.
"You're not an a**hole and I hesitate to call your husband one too because he's a first-time parent and it's terrifying!"
"I'm going with NAH for now. Maybe see if you can do a video appointment or call with your pediatrician to calm his fears?"
"You're not going to see eye to eye on everything and you'll both have to make the best decisions you can."
"He can be disappointed but at this stage YOU are in recovery, not him and whatever relaxes you and doesn't actively harm the baby should be at the top of your priorities."
"You can't pour from an empty cup and your baby will be happier and healthier with a mom that's at her best and not with whatever is on TV, you know?" ~ bookynerdworm
Also,
"NTA"
"Have you seen a baby brain? There's not much going on yet outside of sensory input."
"They hear you speak, they see you (though this young, they probably don't recognise you yet), they're hungry"
"… With only a few weeks, this baby certainly doesn't understand words or even reflect on what it hears, I don't even think, they know fear already."
"Your husband probably comes from a good place but he needs to learn about babies!!!"
"The first memories people have, is at about age 5, maybe 4 and that's pictures or emotions, usually not words."
"You're a mom but you're also a person. You are allowed to enjoy stuff that isn't mom or baby related!" ~ Ann3Nym
Parenting is hard, especially when you have no prior experience doing it.
Remember that there are no "correct" answers in any of this, and that we are all doing the best we can with what we're given.
Be kind to yourself, be patient with those around you, and always remember to find joy where possible.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp