When people plan to have a baby, they'll inevitably hear advice about their lives being changed forever and needing to put the baby first.
But they might not think enough about how they'll need to prioritize each other, so they can be the best partners and parents that they can be, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Redtillimdeadboi was a work-from-home dad while his wife was a stay-at-home mom, and he did his best to prioritize his wife's needs and let her get rest so she didn't feel so "touched out" and overstimulated by their kids.
But when she always had reasons to not give him a break, the Original Poster (OP) started to feel hurt that his wife never reciprocated in fulfilling his needs for rest, as well.
He asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for feeling hurt that my wife won't reciprocate the breaks I've been giving her?"
The OP was quick to step up when his SAHM wife wanted him to take more initiative.
"Some context: I’m the sole breadwinner, and my wife is a stay-at-home mom. I’m not saying that to invalidate what she does; I know SAHM life is genuinely f**king hard."
"We’re also in couples therapy, and one of her recurring complaints there is that she feels touched out by our kids and wishes I’d take more initiative in giving her breaks and taking the kids off her plate."
"For what it’s worth, I don’t fully agree with that framing. I feel like I work hard to actively communicate and to split kid responsibilities as evenly as possible between us."
"But I told her in therapy I’d make even more of an effort, and this weekend, I really tried."
The OP did his best to make his wife's weekend as easy as possible.
"Here’s what’s happened: Friday, we both got up and got the kids ready for the day."
"I made breakfast and started working (I work from home). During my lunch break, I helped make lunch and put our youngest down for nap time."
"She had the kids until 5:00 PM. The second I finished with work, I asked if she’d like a 30-minute break."
"She said yes, so I ended up giving her 45 minutes to nap. She then took the kids back so I could make dinner."
"Right after dinner, she went to work out with a girlfriend for three hours. I spent that whole evening putting both kids down for bed by myself (our oldest is struggling with anxiety, so it’s been a one-and-a-half-hour bedtime process)."
"Saturday morning, I was planning to go see a friend I hadn’t seen in months. My wife and I had talked about this about a week in advance. Working from home, it’s also hard for me to get out of the house unless it’s with the family, so I was really excited."
"I asked what time I needed to be back and if it would be okay to come home right after lunch."
"She said, 'That’s three hours at least that you’ll be gone.'"
"When I acknowledged that but explained how much I needed it, she said, 'Guess it’ll just be another day as usual with me and the kids.'"
"I told her calmly that comments like that make me feel guilty and like she doesn’t want me to go."
"I left to hang with my friend, and she texted a genuine apology for how she had phrased the words while I was out."
"I thanked her for it, and when I got home, I suggested we just grab dinner to make things easier on both of us."
"Afterwards, she also asked for help with back-to-school shopping for our oldest, so we went, and I helped make sure our oldest had clothes that actually fit well. We came home, and we both put the kids down together that night."
The OP didn't feel like his actions were reciprocated by his wife.
"Today, she had the morning to sleep in and then most of the day to work out and hang out with a friend."
"To contrast, I was up with both kids at 6:00 AM, made her breakfast and coffee, and handled kid duty at home. She left around 10:30 AM and didn’t come back until around 3:30 PM (about five hours of 'just me and the kids,' and she also had to drive a friend without a car)."
"While she was gone, I had a temporary second wind, so I cleaned the whole downstairs and kitchen area, did our budget, ordered and put away groceries, but ended up feeling wiped out by the time she got back."
"When she got home, my oldest asked to go to a jump park for an hour. My wife agreed to take her, so I asked if she’d take both kids since our youngest would just need to sit in a stroller with snacks while our oldest jumped."
"My wife straight up said no; she only wanted to take one."
"I explained that I really needed a break, since I’d had both kids since 7:00 AM and she’d just had hours to herself."
"She kept coming back to, 'I thought I was only taking one kid,' two or three times, even after I said, 'I understand you thought that, but I’ve clarified it. I’m asking if you can take both, please.'"
"She still said no. I actually started crying, which genuinely shocked me since that’s not something I usually do when we fight. I think it caught me off guard how depleted I actually was."
"I told her it felt unfair, like she wouldn’t give me a break."
"She eventually said, 'I guess,' and left in a bad mood."
"Am I overreacting here? It feels like I’ve been doing exactly what she asked for in therapy, but when I ask for the same thing back, I get resistance and judgment."
"I hate feeling like there’s a ledger of what we do as well, and I can’t help but feel like it’s uneven."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some sympathized with the OP over how hard it is to find a balance between childcare and work with a romantic partner.
"NOR. It’s hard to find footing with what feels like a fair' division of breaks when it comes to kids, but this definitely sounds unbalanced." - MediocreVideo1893
"There will always be a ledger. You sound like you have stepped up. I wasn’t even a SAHM, and I was the one who did everything. Due to my husband trying to build our business while I handled my job and all the kiddos."
"I wish I had that kind of support. To me, you are really giving her support, and it sounds a little to me like she is now taking advantage."
"I will probably get downvotes, but you are trying, and she is thinking that since she has the kids all the time during the work week that you should do everything with them starting Friday night to Monday morning and then whenever you get home at night or stop working from home during the week."
"She needs to understand that you are stressed, as well!" - EntertainmentLazy871
"Keeping score means resentment, and you do not want to go down that road. If taking some of this advice isn't working and your counselor cannot help set boundaries, including where either one of you might be contributing to this road you are going down, you might need a different counselor." - Distinct_Try6098
"Definitely NOR."
"How old are the kids? Any chance to hire a part-time nanny or enroll them in some extracurriculars? A few hours of free time for you both would do wonders."
"I’ve been a SAHM and breadwinner. I can honestly say both are exhausting in different ways!"
"What works is being a team. Don’t think of it as 'turns,' because this can backfire so easily. Might be easier to do things together."
"As for weekends, this is the toughest. My husband would always let me sleep in the first day of the weekend, and then I’d take over with the kids when I woke up, and he’d have his time."
"I think you guys need to sit and have a proper talk." - Freckledlips19
"Maybe she doesn’t see it? Maybe in her mind she was only out for an hour or two, not the eight hours she really was."
"I had this issue with my husband around chores. He never believed me when I said how much more time I spent on them compared to him. I eventually made a chart and used Post-its of different colours to visually represent how much time each of us spent on everything. He instantly changed his tune."
"Are you also able to arrange some regular childcare on the weekend? Maybe grandparents can watch the kids for a Saturday afternoon every second weekend or something? Getting in regular no-child time for both of you could massively help." - Away_Instance1008
Others called the wife out and understood why the OP was feeling slighted.
"She can’t have it both ways; if she’s refusing to work, she has to accept her role as a SAHM. If she doesn’t want to be a SAHM, she needs to either work or you will need to hire a nanny." - Much_Ad2633
"It is sounding like she wants to be a stay-at-home wife, not a stay-at-home parent."
"As others have said, bring the timeline into therapy."
"I might also suggest having an office outside of the home. Your work time should be your work time, her SAHM time should be her SAHM time, and if you were to not help her with anything before work, after work, or on weekends, THEN she'd have something to complain about."
"But it sounds like she doesn't want to take care of the kids and doesn't want to work, but she can't have both." - KittyC217
"She really needs to consider what she wants AND what she's capable of. It's really not reasonable to say, 'I won't work, but I also won't be the SAHP for our kids.' It seems she's getting a reasonable amount of downtime but can't extend you the same courtesy." - Late-Hat-9144
"So she wants everything to be her way."
"I'm not trying to be funny, but this won't work. You need to talk to a divorce lawyer, because she isn't going to change her way-or-no-way mindset..." - Best_Crazy7712
"She seems to want to have her cake and eat it too. I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do."
"Good luck, man. Continue couples therapy." - puddl3
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update and further clarification.
"First of all, wow. Thank you for the outpouring of different perspectives and kind words and advice. I didn’t expect to receive this type of response, and it’s been super overwhelming to keep up and reply to everyone’s questions."
"Here is some additional context that many have been asking:"
"No, this isn’t the first weekend I’ve made an effort. I’m not a loser dad, for what it's worth, but I’m just sharing the specifics of this weekend."
"My wife is a stay-at-home mom and often brings up how overstimulated she is but also doesn’t want to go back to work. She's staunchly against it, and it is a sore topic of conversation."
"Our kids are one and seven years old. She had been wanting another for a long time, but I wanted to wait until finances were a bit more stable before we had another. Finally got to a better place not too long ago. Things are tight, but manageable."
"I work from home but finally got my own dedicated office space. I take my hour lunch break to help with the kiddos, do a nap time for our youngest, and make lunch for the family."
"Before having my own space, it was hard not to help every 30 to 60 minutes, even with convos around boundaries with my partner. The dedicated work space has helped a lot with that."
"I ended up discussing this with her tonight, and she fell back hard on the, 'I thought I was only taking one kid to the park; I wasn’t prepared to take two.'"
"I kept sharing that I didn’t feel like her stated need for a break from the kiddos every now and then was reciprocated, which she disagreed with."
"We ended up not reaching any kind of mutual agreement, with her stating I didn’t give her time to get mentally ready to take BOTH kids for 90 minutes, while I shared that I just needed that time to decompress and recharge so I could then make dinner and share the load with the kids for that evening."
"We’re going to bring it up at therapy to get a third-person objective perspective on the situation."
While the subReddit could totally understand parents being exhausted and feeling "touched out" by their kids and wanting a break, they also believed that a balance needed to be struck between needing rest and providing it.
The OP's wife may have shared concerns about not getting enough support from the OP at an earlier counseling appointment, but it seemed that he was working hard to take what he could off of her plate, while she was not reciprocating.
Instead, she was complaining about things, like having to watch both kids at the same time, or having several hours alone with her children, while she expected her husband to be in that situation on a regular basis.
u/Dismal_Condition_824/Reddit