When people plan to have a baby, they'll inevitably hear advice about their lives being changed forever and needing to put the baby first.
But they might not think enough about how they'll need to prioritize each other, so they can be the best partners and parents that they can be, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Redtillimdeadboi was a work-from-home dad while his wife was a stay-at-home mom, and he did his best to prioritize his wife's needs and let her get rest so she didn't feel so "touched out" and overstimulated by their kids.
But when she always had reasons to not give him a break, the Original Poster (OP) started to feel hurt that his wife never reciprocated in fulfilling his needs for rest, as well.
He asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for feeling hurt that my wife won't reciprocate the breaks I've been giving her?"
The OP was quick to step up when his SAHM wife wanted him to take more initiative.
"Some context: I’m the sole breadwinner, and my wife is a stay-at-home mom. I’m not saying that to invalidate what she does; I know SAHM life is genuinely f**king hard."
"We’re also in couples therapy, and one of her recurring complaints there is that she feels touched out by our kids and wishes I’d take more initiative in giving her breaks and taking the kids off her plate."
"For what it’s worth, I don’t fully agree with that framing. I feel like I work hard to actively communicate and to split kid responsibilities as evenly as possible between us."
"But I told her in therapy I’d make even more of an effort, and this weekend, I really tried."
The OP did his best to make his wife's weekend as easy as possible.
"Here’s what’s happened: Friday, we both got up and got the kids ready for the day."
"I made breakfast and started working (I work from home). During my lunch break, I helped make lunch and put our youngest down for nap time."
"She had the kids until 5:00 PM. The second I finished with work, I asked if she’d like a 30-minute break."
"She said yes, so I ended up giving her 45 minutes to nap. She then took the kids back so I could make dinner."
"Right after dinner, she went to work out with a girlfriend for three hours. I spent that whole evening putting both kids down for bed by myself (our oldest is struggling with anxiety, so it’s been a one-and-a-half-hour bedtime process)."
"Saturday morning, I was planning to go see a friend I hadn’t seen in months. My wife and I had talked about this about a week in advance. Working from home, it’s also hard for me to get out of the house unless it’s with the family, so I was really excited."
"I asked what time I needed to be back and if it would be okay to come home right after lunch."
"She said, 'That’s three hours at least that you’ll be gone.'"
"When I acknowledged that but explained how much I needed it, she said, 'Guess it’ll just be another day as usual with me and the kids.'"
"I told her calmly that comments like that make me feel guilty and like she doesn’t want me to go."
"I left to hang with my friend, and she texted a genuine apology for how she had phrased the words while I was out."
"I thanked her for it, and when I got home, I suggested we just grab dinner to make things easier on both of us."
"Afterwards, she also asked for help with back-to-school shopping for our oldest, so we went, and I helped make sure our oldest had clothes that actually fit well. We came home, and we both put the kids down together that night."
The OP didn't feel like his actions were reciprocated by his wife.
"Today, she had the morning to sleep in and then most of the day to work out and hang out with a friend."
"To contrast, I was up with both kids at 6:00 AM, made her breakfast and coffee, and handled kid duty at home. She left around 10:30 AM and didn’t come back until around 3:30 PM (about five hours of 'just me and the kids,' and she also had to drive a friend without a car)."
"While she was gone, I had a temporary second wind, so I cleaned the whole downstairs and kitchen area, did our budget, ordered and put away groceries, but ended up feeling wiped out by the time she got back."
"When she got home, my oldest asked to go to a jump park for an hour. My wife agreed to take her, so I asked if she’d take both kids since our youngest would just need to sit in a stroller with snacks while our oldest jumped."
"My wife straight up said no; she only wanted to take one."
"I explained that I really needed a break, since I’d had both kids since 7:00 AM and she’d just had hours to herself."
"She kept coming back to, 'I thought I was only taking one kid,' two or three times, even after I said, 'I understand you thought that, but I’ve clarified it. I’m asking if you can take both, please.'"
"She still said no. I actually started crying, which genuinely shocked me since that’s not something I usually do when we fight. I think it caught me off guard how depleted I actually was."
"I told her it felt unfair, like she wouldn’t give me a break."
"She eventually said, 'I guess,' and left in a bad mood."
"Am I overreacting here? It feels like I’ve been doing exactly what she asked for in therapy, but when I ask for the same thing back, I get resistance and judgment."
"I hate feeling like there’s a ledger of what we do as well, and I can’t help but feel like it’s uneven."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some sympathized with the OP over how hard it is to find a balance between childcare and work with a romantic partner.
"NOR. It’s hard to find footing with what feels like a fair' division of breaks when it comes to kids, but this definitely sounds unbalanced." - MediocreVideo1893
"There will always be a ledger. You sound like you have stepped up. I wasn’t even a SAHM, and I was the one who did everything. Due to my husband trying to build our business while I handled my job and all the kiddos."
"I wish I had that kind of support. To me, you are really giving her support, and it sounds a little to me like she is now taking advantage."
"I will probably get downvotes, but you are trying, and she is thinking that since she has the kids all the time during the work week that you should do everything with them starting Friday night to Monday morning and then whenever you get home at night or stop working from home during the week."
"She needs to understand that you are stressed, as well!" - EntertainmentLazy871
"Keeping score means resentment, and you do not want to go down that road. If taking some of this advice isn't working and your counselor cannot help set boundaries, including where either one of you might be contributing to this road you are going down, you might need a different counselor." - Distinct_Try6098
"Definitely NOR."
"How old are the kids? Any chance to hire a part-time nanny or enroll them in some extracurriculars? A few hours of free time for you both would do wonders."
"I’ve been a SAHM and breadwinner. I can honestly say both are exhausting in different ways!"
"What works is being a team. Don’t think of it as 'turns,' because this can backfire so easily. Might be easier to do things together."
"As for weekends, this is the toughest. My husband would always let me sleep in the first day of the weekend, and then I’d take over with the kids when I woke up, and he’d have his time."
"I think you guys need to sit and have a proper talk." - Freckledlips19
"Maybe she doesn’t see it? Maybe in her mind she was only out for an hour or two, not the eight hours she really was."
"I had this issue with my husband around chores. He never believed me when I said how much more time I spent on them compared to him. I eventually made a chart and used Post-its of different colours to visually represent how much time each of us spent on everything. He instantly changed his tune."
"Are you also able to arrange some regular childcare on the weekend? Maybe grandparents can watch the kids for a Saturday afternoon every second weekend or something? Getting in regular no-child time for both of you could massively help." - Away_Instance1008
Others called the wife out and understood why the OP was feeling slighted.
"She can’t have it both ways; if she’s refusing to work, she has to accept her role as a SAHM. If she doesn’t want to be a SAHM, she needs to either work or you will need to hire a nanny." - Much_Ad2633
"It is sounding like she wants to be a stay-at-home wife, not a stay-at-home parent."
"As others have said, bring the timeline into therapy."
"I might also suggest having an office outside of the home. Your work time should be your work time, her SAHM time should be her SAHM time, and if you were to not help her with anything before work, after work, or on weekends, THEN she'd have something to complain about."
"But it sounds like she doesn't want to take care of the kids and doesn't want to work, but she can't have both." - KittyC217
"She really needs to consider what she wants AND what she's capable of. It's really not reasonable to say, 'I won't work, but I also won't be the SAHP for our kids.' It seems she's getting a reasonable amount of downtime but can't extend you the same courtesy." - Late-Hat-9144
"So she wants everything to be her way."
"I'm not trying to be funny, but this won't work. You need to talk to a divorce lawyer, because she isn't going to change her way-or-no-way mindset..." - Best_Crazy7712
"She seems to want to have her cake and eat it too. I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do."
"Good luck, man. Continue couples therapy." - puddl3
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update and further clarification.
"First of all, wow. Thank you for the outpouring of different perspectives and kind words and advice. I didn’t expect to receive this type of response, and it’s been super overwhelming to keep up and reply to everyone’s questions."
"Here is some additional context that many have been asking:"
"No, this isn’t the first weekend I’ve made an effort. I’m not a loser dad, for what it's worth, but I’m just sharing the specifics of this weekend."
"My wife is a stay-at-home mom and often brings up how overstimulated she is but also doesn’t want to go back to work. She's staunchly against it, and it is a sore topic of conversation."
"Our kids are one and seven years old. She had been wanting another for a long time, but I wanted to wait until finances were a bit more stable before we had another. Finally got to a better place not too long ago. Things are tight, but manageable."
"I work from home but finally got my own dedicated office space. I take my hour lunch break to help with the kiddos, do a nap time for our youngest, and make lunch for the family."
"Before having my own space, it was hard not to help every 30 to 60 minutes, even with convos around boundaries with my partner. The dedicated work space has helped a lot with that."
"I ended up discussing this with her tonight, and she fell back hard on the, 'I thought I was only taking one kid to the park; I wasn’t prepared to take two.'"
"I kept sharing that I didn’t feel like her stated need for a break from the kiddos every now and then was reciprocated, which she disagreed with."
"We ended up not reaching any kind of mutual agreement, with her stating I didn’t give her time to get mentally ready to take BOTH kids for 90 minutes, while I shared that I just needed that time to decompress and recharge so I could then make dinner and share the load with the kids for that evening."
"We’re going to bring it up at therapy to get a third-person objective perspective on the situation."
While the subReddit could totally understand parents being exhausted and feeling "touched out" by their kids and wanting a break, they also believed that a balance needed to be struck between needing rest and providing it.
The OP's wife may have shared concerns about not getting enough support from the OP at an earlier counseling appointment, but it seemed that he was working hard to take what he could off of her plate, while she was not reciprocating.
Instead, she was complaining about things, like having to watch both kids at the same time, or having several hours alone with her children, while she expected her husband to be in that situation on a regular basis.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp