Most parents in the United States have to work. That means their children require childcare of some kind almost from birth due to little to no paid time off for maternity or paternity leave.
This can cause a lot of guilt for parents who aren’t able to spend as much time as they want with their children.
And maybe some jealousy about family members who are able to spend time with them.
A mother turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit to ask a hypothetical Would I Be The A**hole (WIBTA) question for feedback over her mother-in-law visiting her child.
Shamwowlter asked:
“WIBTA if I (29, female) told my mother-in-law (MIL) she could no longer visit my child at daycare?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My daughter is five months old and goes to a daycare at my husband’s (32, male) workplace. My mother-in-law also works at the same place, so she has easy access to the daycare.”
“My husband and I work different schedules. He works earlier and takes her to work with him so I can pump, get ready for work, do some housework, etc… without also having the baby home to care for.”
“Also, because her daycare is at his workplace, and me dropping her off would require me to go pretty far out of my way on my way to work. If I still worked my 40 hours, I would be working later in the day and would be coming home after she’s asleep.”
“At least once a week, she goes and spends 30 minutes to an hour just playing with my daughter. This rubs me the wrong way for so many reasons.”
“As a mom, it frustrates me that she thinks it’s okay to just drop by whenever without at least saying something or asking. I actually just found out while writing this that she tells my husband, but nobody communicates it with me.”
“As a former daycare worker, I would have hated having someone just come in and spend time with a child because now not only do they have infants to watch, but now they have to work around a fully grown woman and make sure that she isn’t taking pictures/videos of other babies as well.”
“I think my biggest issue is honestly that some days she gets to spend more awake time with my daughter than I do and I know that’s a horrible reason to be frustrated with someone, but it is what it is.”
“Would I be the a**hole if I asked her to stop visiting daycare so frequently?”
“She comes to our house and gets to spend several hours with my daughter at least once a week, so it’s not like daycare is the only time she gets to see her.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I might tell my MIL that she needs to either stop visiting or visit my daughter at daycare less frequently. I may be the a**hole because she just wants to spend time with her first grandchild.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP would be the a**hole (YTA/YWBTA).
“YWBTA. I get that you’re jealous that she gets to spend more time with your daughter than you do, but that’s not really anyone’s fault. Just because your feelings are natural and you can’t help them doesn’t mean they’re right or should be acted on.”
“Your daughter is lucky to have so many people in her life who love her and want to spend time with her.”
“You don’t have any specific complaints about your MIL herself, how she treats your child, or how she treats you that you’ve said here. So I can only assume there aren’t any.”
“You need to work on your own feelings of jealousy and guilt, not take them out on your daughter and MIL.”
“If your mother-in-law visiting the daycare is a concern, then your husband should ask them if it’s an issue.”
“They actually might be grateful that someone else is taking a 5-month-old off their hands for an hour a day so they can focus on the other kids. Don’t make assumptions to justify your feelings.” ~ SoMuchMoreEagle
“My daycare never minded when I dropped in, they welcomed me. I took one kid off their hands completely and usually at least one other kid would bring me a ball to roll.” ~ angelerulastiel
“When I worked in daycare we had a little group of parents that would come by on their lunch hours to see their kids before naptime. I adored them and wound up babysitting outside of the daycare for them because we became close.”
“To this day I still keep in touch via social media with some of them. As long as the workers are cool with it, MIL should keep seeing the baby.” ~ LFGM1977
“Unless the daycare has concerns about it, I think this is just OP trying to justify their telling the mother-in-law not to visit.” ~ Holiday_Football_975
“Just a reminder that mom gets to spend every evening and all weekend with baby while grandma just visits. Grandma definitely isn’t spending more time with baby. YWBTA, OP.” ~ leeanforward
“Is your baby disturbed or unenriched by her visits? Are the onsite caregivers uncomfortable with this non-parental access?”
“Do you have any reason to think your baby is in danger? Is there reason to worry that your MIL might actively work against your parenting?”
“If the answer to all of those is no, then you would be the a**hole (YWBTA) if you take love and attention away from your child due to jealousy.” ~ Few_Ad_5752
“If it’s a workplace child care, I think that’s the whole point of it—so the children can receive quick visits from family.” ~ nyc2atl22
“YWBTA, this benefits everyone—especially your daughter. ‘She thinks it’s okay to just drop by whenever’ because your husband has expressed that this is okay.”
“It is your issue with him that he’s not communicating with you—not your MIL’s fault.” ~ Wild-Association1680
“YTA. Thirty minutes to an hour? That doesn’t sound disruptive.”
“If the employees think she’s getting in the way somehow, they can easily let her of management know since they work in the same place. It’s pretty absurd to think she has to ask for your permission in a building you aren’t even in.”
“You have no actual reason to be angry, just your own jealousy that she has more awake time with your daughter than you on some days. So, you’d rather your baby spend that time solely with the daycare workers?”
“Are you jealous of them, too? Why only the grandmother?”
“This is unreasonable, and it’s something you need to work through. It’s great that your daughter has a grandma that loves her enough and is in a position to be able to visit her so frequently.”
“Many kids don’t. She won’t forever, either. Let them cherish this time together, otherwise you’ll be stealing joy from the rest of the family because you decided to be bitter.”
“Because it definitely won’t be benefiting anyone to try to gatekeep your daughter like this.” ~ CrimsonKnight_004
“You said she’s asking your husband before visiting your daughter. Why do you think your husband isn’t empowered to say whether or not his mom can visit his daughter.”
“Why do you think you should be the only gatekeeper? He’s her father.”
“You are jealous, which is a valid feeling, but not something you should act on. Just be grateful that your daughter is growing up in a family that loves her so much. YWBTA”” ~
“YWBTA—this whole thing is jealousy. Plain and simple. You’re only thinking of yourself here because you have nothing to stand on besides jealousy.”
“What does your husband think about all of this? It’s his child too, you know. Meaning that he also has a say in it. Not just you.”
“Look at the big picture. Your child gets to spend time with their grandparent. Just because you can’t doesn’t mean no one can.”
“Are you seriously trying to gatekeep your daughter from a grandparent who is putting in the effort? Really?”
“Your objection to the visits only ‘is what it is’ because you are refusing to see things any different than what you create in your head regarding you and YOUR HUSBAND’S child.
“And yes, jealousy is a horrible reason and it is all on you. No one else.” ~ slap-a-frap
The OP provided an update.
“Yes. I know I’m the a**hole for being jealous. After talking with my husband, I’m realizing a lot of these feelings are based on big emotions from being exhausted and postpartum depression.”
“I don’t hate my mother-in-law. This is my first and probably only child and she’s my rainbow baby, so I’m very protective.”
“I understand that every child is precious and special but she is my sunshine after a dark day. I spent every moment of my pregnancy in fear of losing her like I lost her older sibling.”
“And now I spend every damn day of her life scared that something will happen to her because if I felt THAT MUCH grief for a baby I never even got to meet, I know the grief of losing her would completely break me.”
“For those of you that politely told me I’m the a**hole, thank you. For those of you that told me I need to see a therapist, already seeing one for my chronic depression and added postpartum depression, so I’m good.”
“I’m going to stop reading comments now and go snuggle with my baby that just got home.”
It sounds like the OP took Reddit’s response to heart. Hopefully, they’re able to get over this feeling of jealousy.