Childbirth isn’t like it’s usually depicted on TV shows or movies. At the end, mom isn’t perfectly coifed with model perfect makeup.
Giving birth is messy, painful, and exhausting. So who wants to host a family gathering after expelling a 5-10 pound human from their body?
At one time, all childbirths took place in the home, usually surrounded by the women of their family or a village midwife. Then some cultures adopted birthing centers or hospitals.
Today, we’re back to a mix of home and hospital or birthing center births.
At one point, only women attended births, helping the mother through labor. But in many cultures where the roles of women and men were changing, more men began to feel empowered to embrace parenthood.
Fathers were attending their children’s births instead of being relegated to waiting rooms or the pub down the way.
But while family births are partly a return to the past and a modern convention, how crowded is too crowded?
A mom-to-be turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback over who should be invited in to witness the birth or immediate aftermath.
Historywhiz63 asked:
“AITA for not caring about ‘honoring’ my in-laws?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“Let me preface with that I fully understand that many people have different viewpoints of ‘honoring’ their parents. We are both White—I understand that many cultures have different norms than we would.”
“So my husband and I apparently have differing views about honoring our parents, and I’ve been made out to be the ‘a**hole’ by his family multiple times.”
“His family is not respecting of boundaries I’ve put up, and he (husband) also put up, and so I’ve definitely been a bit more rigid about things.”
“My husband already ruined what I wanted for our wedding by inviting his whole extended family as his parents wanted him to (I wanted something more intimate), letting his mother take unwanted ‘formal’ wedding pictures which made me uncomfortable (we’d hired a photographer), and just other various things.”
“They push and push and push and it’s suffocating.”
“Anyways—now I’ve become the a**hole again because I don’t want to ‘honor’ his parents by letting them see me and our firstborn child within the first 24 hours of me giving birth. I don’t want my parents there, either, I just want it to be the two of us.”
“I originally told my husband I didn’t want anyone for a couple of days, but after he pushed me I said they could come after the first 24 hours (which I’m not feeling good about).”
“I already know myself and my body and my emotions, and with how overbearing his parents are—I know it’s going to be hell for me.”
“Not sure he understands quite yet what a mess I’m gonna be!”
“He claims that the birth isn’t ‘just about us, it’s about our parents, too’ which I laughed in his face about—maybe that’s a**hole-ish.”
“He says it’s because his grandparents were there when he was born. He hasn’t quite come to the concept that we’re not his parents or grandparents and can start new traditions.”
“My parents don’t believe their first grandchild is about them, and so I’m not sure where my husband and his parents get this notion.”
“AITA for sticking my ground and refusing that?”
“I feel like I’m going literally insane.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“Standing ground on not letting in-laws be close to me or baby for 24 hours after birth of first child.”
“This is seen as making me an a**hole because I’m not being ‘honoring’ towards my in-laws.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. Dear lord, do we have the same in-laws? Because I swear mine act like this.”
“If your in-laws are particularly religious (like mine are) remind them about the concept of ‘leaving and cleaving’ where it’s laid out that a man shall leave his mother and father and become one with his wife…meaning what they want takes a back seat.”
“You are your husband’s priority. You can still honor your parents without bending to their every whim.”
“This is something my husband and I fought through as well and it caused a LOT of problems early in our relationship and into our marriage.”
“Stand your ground.”
“Trust me, it took a LOT. Hubby and I turned to one of the elders and his wife in our church to help us navigate the transition from being under their ‘roof’ so to speak, to having and starting our own family with our own way of doing things based on what we felt was right.”
“Having that conversation really encouraged my husband to step up in our home to defend our decisions and by extension, me. Once those boundaries were re-established, things have gone better.”
“They still over step from time to time for the sake of ‘spoiling’ their grandbabies, but they ultimately know their place.” ~ Necessary-Extreme596
“I thought the same thing about it too. Same in-laws.”
“Although my father-in-law (FIL) is not as bad. My mother-in-law (MIL) is absolutely a monster.”
“We aren’t religious—she is super religious. I respect her right to believe, but she has been extremely pushy with her beliefs.”
“We had to get married in a church (OK), then it was no, it had to be a cathedral (what!). My husband gave in.”
“She to wanted to invite extended family and friends we had never even met. She tried to invite double the people than my husband, me, and my parents combined!”
“That was drastically cut real fast.”
“When I was having my daughter who is now 21, she wanted to be in the delivery room while I delivered. She came in while I was in very early labor.”
“The midwife had to kick her out of the delivery room when she wouldn’t leave when I asked and she kept trying to come back in. Baby was maybe 3 hours old and she was back.”
“And the first thing that horrible woman said to me was, ‘I’m disappointed, I wanted a boy’.”
“And she’s tried to meddle in how we raise our daughter the entire time. All the time reminding us that it was such a shame her first grandchild was a girl, but at least her other daughter-in-law (DIL) gave her 2 grandsons.”
“And would actually badmouth her to her face from so young she knows no difference. I won’t have anything to do with her now and neither does my daughter.”
“Stand your ground. And don’t let your husband back down. My husband had no spine when it came to his mother. It’s a hard battle to put boundaries in place if your husband won’t help enforce them.” ~ Skankyho1
“Make sure everyone in the hospital knows this and more importantly, make sure they no know that only you can authorize a change. Not your husband.”
“And make sure they know to check with you and verify if he tries to tell them you changed your mind. Labor and delivery (L&D) nurses don’t f*ck around as long as you’re very specific.”
“You are the patient. You and only you make the rules. Not your husband and definitely not your in-laws. NTA.” ~ GoblinKing79
“OK, one, tell him that YOUR MEDICAL PROCEDURE is NOT about his parents, it’s about you, your child, your body and your recovery.”
“If he can not understand that he needs to undergo an invasive and painful medical proceedure then be told to suck it up while your parents visit less than 24hrs later.”
“I’m being polite here because as a mother of 3 who has gone through 3 childbirth, two of which were without pain relief, I would be using more graphic language regarding watermelons and peas.”
“Two, remind him that his actions and demands regarding his parents have been allowing them (in-laws) to DISHONOUR your relationship and marriage and that he needs to step up and start respecting you as his wife and equal partner in your marriage.”
“You are NTA sweetie, but you do have a husband problem and it needs to be sorted out ASAP. Preferably before the baby arrives because unfortunately I feel you’re going to be overruled in parenting decisions for the sake of ‘honouring’ your husband’s parents.”
“Please pull your medical team aside and tell them that under no circumstances are your in-laws to be given access to you and your baby without your permission.”
“I remember a lot of first time mums are usually monitored overnight where I am and I hope that applies to you as well because it can protect you somewhat from these people.” ~ Environmental_Art591
“Yep, OP, you’re the one giving birth so YOU call the shots. Family, honor, tradition, none of it matters. The health and wellbeing of you and your baby matters most.”
“Your in-laws (ILs) have the rest of their lives to spend with this baby. Stand your ground here.”
“And, for what it’s worth, the first day or so after giving birth is ROUGH—I speak from experience. You’re tired, sore, etc… and that assumes there are no complications with the birth.”
“When I went into labor with my first, we made the mistake of calling my IL’s who decided to RUSH to the hospital and then proceeded to sit around for nine hours until he was born.”
“They literally came into the recovery room within 10 minutes of me being settled in and, honestly, it was too much. I was spent.”
“I had labored for about 11 hours, pushed for 2 of that, hadn’t gotten a decent amount of sleep in about 36 hours and just couldn’t.”
“My husband could tell I was struggling, so he let my ILs coo over the baby for 10-15 minutes, said he was starving (true!) and had his parents take him out for dinner. I was able to rest, snuggle with my baby and bond. Bliss.”
“With my second, we learned from our mistakes. We called NO ONE (other than my mom who had to pick up my older son to babysit him) until about three hours after the baby was born.”
“SO MUCH BETTER! Might be something to consider if you can get your husband on board. Don’t call ANYONE until you’re ready to accept visitors.” ~ Pascale73
The OP hasn’t provided an update, so it’s unclear what they’ve decided to do.
But they definitely have plenty of support for standing their ground with their husband and in-laws.