Spending time with the in-laws is part of the deal when you get married, especially if you have children.
Whether they come over for a visit or you go to them, most in-laws have the best intentions and just want some quality time.
A stay-at-home-mom with three kids is struggling with a dilemma after her husband stated his recent plans for the family.
After causing drama, she visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit and asked strangers online to provide judgment on the matter.
There, Redditor Twinmom1007 asked:
"AITA: my husband is mad I don't want to spend 2 weeks at his family's house?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I'm a SAHM (stay at home mother) to 3 under 3, my husband works hard and deserves to checkout."
"Hunting season is here and he wants us to go to his dad's house 1.5 hours away for two weeks, where he will be hunting most days, leaving me and the kids with his parents."
"I love his family but after 3 days, there's nothing left to talk about and it starts getting awkward."
The OP continued:
"My twins go to play school Tuesdays and Thursdays and they really enjoy it. I'm planning on taking the kids for the weekend but coming back Sunday night."
"He's mad that I don't want to stay the whole time. I don't like spending the night anywhere, even hotels. I want to be in my own bed where I'm comfortable."
"I want to stay at my own house where my kids are on a routine and I have privacy, I snore really loud and it's embarrassing."
"We also have pets and my sister will have to come over twice a day to let our dog out while we're gone."
"He just doesn't get that it's easier for me to be home with the kids than there, even though there are more people to help with them there. So…AITA?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
"Ugh, people who are not in the trenches with day-to-day child care for little ones do not get what a huge ask this is. Even if you adore the people you are staying with, you don't have what you need and it makes everything harder."
"Kids that age thrive on routine and it's going to be disrupted, so they are going to get whiny and clingy. And of course if you and the inlaws aren't completely in sync, it's even worse."
"You're being generous by supporting him being gone for two weeks, and by hauling everyone around for a weekend visit. Hope you get to check out occasionally as well, but definitely NTA for declining this request." – EsmeWeatherwax7a
"I refer to these types of trips as Relocated Parenting."
"Spending extended periods of time away from home with little kids is usually not fun. It's not a vacation or a holiday. It's more work. A lot more work. Especially if you're doing it solo."
"How helpful are the in-laws? Will they be hands on? Is their house kid-proof? Or will OP be running around trying to prevent her kids from breaking the crystal bowl that's on the knee-high coffee table? Or eating all the hard candy sitting in it? Will the tv always be on? Will the shows be appropriate?"
"Are there enough toys or books to keep them entertained, or will OP have to haul bucketloads with them? Is there room to accommodate that many napping kids? Will the kids eat all the food the in-laws usually have, or will OP need to bring that, too?"
"Will it be two weeks of being spoiled by grandma and grandpa, followed by four weeks of getting the kids back into their schedule and used to not getting bowls of chocolate chips for snack?"
"I wonder if OP's husband has thought of any of this."
"NTA." – GrnHrtBrwnThmb
"On a post like this one, someone commented, 'Traveling with kids is a work trip and not a vacation.' No matter how helpful the relatives are, OP is still the one with the primary responsibility for the kids, plus interacting with the relatives, plus trying to keep things organized in an unfamiliar place."
"My kids are all adults now, and I still have bad dreams about trying to pack up everything for a trip. Not awesome." – Clean-Patient-8809
"NTA. My husband WFH and regularly tries to convince me that we can totally just pack up our 3 kids and go live in some mountain airbnb for a month. I'm the spoilsport. No, I'm the one that has to take care of 3 bored kids in a house that isn't ours, in a place we don't know, without most of our stuff or any of our support system."
"No babysitters, no friends or playmates, me feeling like I need permission to just walk away for a minute bc he spends all day at work. Newsflash! I am at work 24 hours a day no matter where we are!"
"Go for the weekend, OP. You're already being very generous handling things solo for the rest of those two weeks. When my kids were that little and hubs traveled, I might not've spoken out loud to another adult the whole time he's gone - or the poor cashiers at the grocery store would get a very intense me for a few minutes. I hope you get a chance to reset sometimes, too." – Vivid-Imagination-13
"I love my family but after 4-5 days, I'm ready to go home. It's easier now that the kids are older but in the trenches when they're small, you're sleep deprived and it's just chaos - no place like home."
"Husband can do his trip. The in laws can visit for a day or 2."
"OP, he's unaware of how much work you do with 3 kids. Disrupting their routines benefits no one." – PrincessCG
"All of this. OP, would your husband spend two weeks taking care of the kids with your parents while YOU'RE gone? Probably not. Tell him you'll visit your parents, where you'll be gone at the spa with your sister all day, every day, and he can take care of the kids for two weeks with your parents. I'm sure he'd have A BLAST." – crystallz2000
"NTA."
"It's only 1.5 hrs away, not too far and would be an easy trip for me and worth it to sleep in my own bed."
"Your hubby doesn't have a clue."
"Go with your plan!"
"I love my sister and her family but I really feel like I might be putting them out. IDK why I feel like that. But after 3-4 days, max, I wanna go back home, 6.5 hrs with no stops. I absolutely cannot fathom staying 2 weeks. Gees, we all would be so bored." – ImaginaryPark6311
"100% '3 under 3' that means back to back pregnancies. And this dude wants her to stay with his family for what? To put her in a more awkward situation in a place his literal pack of toddlers won't know, may not be baby proofed and she has to take care of it all...for 2 weeks!"
"I'm an adult with my own family, and I don't even get two weeks of vacation. Sounds like she's been...what's the nice word for brainwashed...into this situation." – Nikosma
"NTA. Explain to husband that he is free to go hunting and to decide what he is doing but he does not get to decide what you will do. You have 3 children that he will not be taking care of while he is hunting."
"Since you will be the person responsible for the children, you will decide where the best place to do so will be. You are not preventing, arguing or hindering him from doing what he wants and you expect the same respect from him. You will the person to decide how long you will stay at his parents and it's not his decision to make." – squirrelsareevil2479
"Exactly this. NTA and the OP is being perfectly reasonable. Heck, if the grandparents are capable and want the kids for that full time that is totally ok too."
"The husband absolutely does not get to demand that the OP must stay with his parents and provide the primary child care at the same time. That part is for the OP to decide." – Superb_Grapefruit854
"100% this. Definitely NTA. Your husband needs to respect you on this. I'm sure this is about wanting his parents to spend time w/ your kids. I get it. But not like this - not where you can't really be comfortable, where the kids don't really have all their stuff, etc."
"And really- if they love school, I think taking them out for something HE wants is really, REALLY selfish." – Fresh_Caramel8148
Overall, Redditors thought the OP's refusal to go along with the husband's plan was warranted.
They also thought the husband was only thinking of himself and not considering or even realizing how stressful it would be for the OP and their tiny tots to be away from home for that long.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp