Flowers for major events can cost an arm and a leg.
So that's why so many people have gotten creative.
Event planners and party throwers have turned to fake flowers or repurposing.
However, these options don't always sit well with everyone.
Redditor Ok_Magazine_5564 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for giving the flowers I made for my son's and DIL's wedding to my own daughter's baby shower?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I will be as clear as possible."
"My son and D[aughter]-I[n]-L[aw]'s wedding is at the end of June."
"Originally they were tight on money and were upset over the price of flowers."
"It wasn't in their budget and they had a very specific image."
"I looked at prices for what they wanted, and it was out of my own budget."
"I instead offered to do what they wanted with fake flowers."
"They agreed and sent over images for me to use."
"I have spent over 500 buying all the stuff and my own time."
"They turned out great, in my opinion."
"I got a call about two weeks ago that they won't need them anymore and that they have the money to have real flowers."
"That they already booked it."
"So, in short, all my time was for nothing."
"My daughter was over and commented on how cute the flowers were."
"She asked if I could make her some for her baby shower."
"I explained what happened and told her she could have them."
"Her baby shower was over the weekend, and she used the flowers on the tables."
"It was a nice event."
"After my son and DIL came up to me and we got into an argument."
"They think I am a jerk for using their flowers for someone else's event, and now everyone will think they copied my daughter for their wedding."
"My point was I can give them away to whoever and I don't think it is a big deal since they were used."
"That instead of me throwing them out, someone got to use them."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Bride: Even though I'm not using your fake flowers, they were based on something I thought about when I was four and now you can't use them for anything else."
"Even though I'm not going to use them."
"They must be for me ever because I'm the only one who has this design and if you let someone else see it then they won't think it's my original design."
"Rest of the world: You don't own flower designs."
"You did nothing wrong, and I'm pretty sure they didn't send you a payment for your time, labor, and effort in making all those centerpieces. Centerpieces."
"He uses them."
"You had a nice time and the couple was completely wrong. NTA." ~ Even_Enthusiasm7223
"I'd rather have the fake flowers myself as I'm sentimental and would want to keep a centerpiece and maybe give away the rest."
"Plus if someone took the time to do that for me, I'd be so honored I'd never think to change them out. NTA." ~ cerrylovesbooks
"Was about to say, they sent op images of what they wanted, so they already took someone else's flowers."
"With all that personal time and money, you can do what you want with them since they are YOUR flowers. NTA." ~ isthatsoreddit
"Very rich of them to call them 'their flowers' when not one cent was paid to reimburse Mom for her wasted efforts."
"Also, who the hell is even going to notice they're the 'same' flowers at a wedding taking place weeks later?"
"Who the hell do they think would even care enough to compare?"
"How absurd. NTA." ~ Fleurtheleast
"I will tell you who."
"The 12 people that were at both events."
"The same 12 that liked them at the shower. Gawd."
"Who Gives AF. NTA OP." ~ Proper-Green1150
"So they were happy for you to spend your own money and who knows how much time finding the supplies and making the flowers for them but are upset that you didn't simply throw them out after and your hard work and money went towards something?"
"NTA but you raised an ungrateful son and he's marrying an ungrateful woman." ~ MrChaddious
"Some of our silk flower arrangements are about 30 years old."
"Don't throw them away!"
"When the dust won't knock off anymore I give them a shower, and they look almost new. If you do this, turn the arrangement sideways and just do the flowers, so that you don't fill the container with water."
"The shower should be adjusted to 'rain,' and a handheld shower works the best."
"Faux trees can be hosed outdoors in the summertime."
"About the only silk flowers I've had to toss were victims of cats."
"I did save some individual silk flowers from those arrangements, though, that apparently weren't so tasty. NTA, OP." ~ Swedishpunsch
"NTA. If they'd paid for all the stuff and for your time and labor, then I might feel differently over you giving them away to someone else."
"Paying you would have made them 'their' flowers."
"But even then, they would have been wasted if just thrown away."
"So it would make sense for someone else to get enjoyment from them."
"But they didn't pay you, so they were 'your' flowers to do as you please."
"It would have been an absolute waste to just bin them."
"It's nice that your daughter got to use them and they didn't get binned or sit gathering dust."
"Your son and DIL do not own flower arrangement designs."
"They can kick up a fuss about looking like they copied your daughter's design all they want, but nobody owns flower designs." ~ JaneDoe_83
"Even if they worked closely with OP to develop the design of the flower arrangements and then used that specific design as the instructions for their florist, they'd still be AH for not at least offering to reimburse OP for the expense of the flowers."
"As it is, they dropped her like a hot potato when the money came in for real flowers."
"The only similarity is likely to be the color choices, but flowers come in flower colors, and duplications of color schemes are common." ~ FiberKitty
"NTA. The fun thing about such situations is - if those entitled rude people wouldn't insult and make a big deal out of it literally nobody would even notice as those events are not about flowers."
"You might spot some familiar shapes here and there in pictures, but nobody sane gives a crap about that." ~ forgeris
"NTA. They were not 'their' flowers."
"They were your flowers which you spent time, money, and energy on - and poured love into."
"The fact that this labor of love wasn't wasted should be celebrated, not criticized."
"You're going to be an amazing grandparent!" ~ cinekat
"They owe you 500 bucks."
"And an apology."
"They didn't provide either."
"So make sure to post tons of pictures of the fake flowers and the baby shower, and make sure to mention that you arranged and designed them as many times as possible. NTA." ~ Ok_Stable7501
"Presuming the flowers were of a very specific unique design, I can see how the couple could be upset that the design was used prior to their wedding."
"I can also understand that they might be concerned that any mutual guests between the shower and the wedding might think they copied the design for the wedding."
"That being said..."
"1- You offered a huge favor to them by not only buying the supplies but also investing significant time in creating the centerpieces."
"2- They made it very clear that rather than use what you created, they preferred to go with real flowers."
"3- Someone else saw your work, loved it, and wanted to use it."
"They could have graciously accepted your gift, but they decided not to."
"So they have no say in what you do with it. NTA." ~ baloo1970
"In all of the weddings and baby showers I have gone to, I honestly can say I have never remembered what the flowers looked like after I left the event space."
"I do remember if the food was good. NAH." ~ Right_Weather_8916
"NTA - they didn't want the flowers anymore."
"They have no right to say what you do with them now."
"In fact given that they wasted your time and money they really should take several seats." ~ jrm1102
"Your son and DIL allowed you to spend your time and money to help them out and then they decided that they didn't want your help."
"I'll assume they didn't try to compensate you for either your time or your money, so the flowers were yours to give away."
"They are being very entitled."
"So glad the beautiful flowers got used instead of wasted!"
"Your son and DIL should have been happy as well. NTA." ~ Quick-Possession-245
"NTA, they are not 'their' flowers."
"You spent the money and time on something that was going to be a gift."
"They decided they didn't want it after the gift had been made."
"They do not get to come out screaming because you used the things you made (that they did not want) in whatever way you liked."
"Whether it was giving them to someone else, selling them, or even setting them up to be targets for paintball practice, it was your call." ~ notiddymothbirlfrend
"NTA. I can't get over the nerve."
"You were kind enough to step in and spend that much money, not to mention your time and effort, only to be treated like that. Ugh." ~ taliawut
"NTA - What were you supposed to do? Throw them away?"
"At least they got used to something." ~ puntacana24
"Hard to argue otherwise. NTA." ~ rjtnrva
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
Your time and money were spent on these flowers.
It's nice that it didn't all go to waste.
Hopefully, your son and future DIL will come around.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp