Content Warning: Child Neglect, Postpartum Depression (PPD), and Discussions of Possible Domestic Violence and NarcissismÂ
No matter what the couple’s plans are, every couple is expected to experience certain milestones, like having a loving relationship, getting married, and starting a family.
But even when both people want all of these things, their life together doesn’t always turn out the way they were hoping, empathized the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Puzzled-Two6615 was in a happy relationship with her husband and was pleasantly surprised when he wanted to try to have a baby.
But once the baby was born, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked when her husband began to prioritize gaming before everything else, including taking care of their baby.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for sabotaging my husband’s tournament after he refused to help with our newborn?”
The OP was in the process of getting used to being a first-time mom.
“My husband, Jake (30 Male), and I (27 Female) recently welcomed our first baby, Emma, who is now three months old”
“As most new parents know, it’s been a challenging time, filled with sleepless nights and endless diaper changes.”
“I’m on maternity leave, so I’m home with Emma all day, but I still need help from Jake, especially during the night.”
She was disheartened that her husband wasn’t helping much with Emma.Â
“Jake works from home and is a huge gamer. He spends most of his free time playing online games with his friends.”
“I’ve tried to be understanding and give him his space, but it’s been hard when he refuses to help with Emma at night.”
“I’ve asked him multiple times to take turns getting up with her, but he always says he’s too tired or that he has an important game to attend to.”
“Breastfeeding has been particularly difficult. Emma often struggles to latch properly, leading to painful and sometimes cracked nipples. I’ve had mastitis twice already, which leaves me feeling feverish and in intense pain.”
“Despite seeing me in pain, Jake just laughs it off, finding it amusing. He never offers to help during these moments, even though I’m visibly struggling and desperate for support.”
The OP eventually reached her breaking point.
“One night, after I’d been up with Emma for the third time and Jake was still glued to his computer, I’d had enough. I went into his office and asked him to take over so I could get some sleep.”
“He waved me off, saying he was in the middle of a game and that I should just handle it.”
“He added, ‘You’re on maternity leave and free all day while I have to work, so I need time to relax. You’re just sitting around doing nothing all day anyway.'”
“I was exhausted and on the verge of tears. I needed his help, but he was completely dismissive.”
“In a moment of frustration and desperation, I walked over to the router and turned off the Wi-Fi.”
The OP’s husband lashed out at her.
“That’s when Jake completely lost it. He stormed out of his office, screaming at me. Apparently, he and his friends were in some sort of online tournament, and they were about to win when I unplugged the Wi-Fi.”
“He called me selfish and irresponsible and accused me of sabotaging his one form of relaxation.”
“He went on to say that I had no right to interfere with his ‘me time’ and that I should have just waited until he was done.”
“I calmly explained that I needed his help and that our baby was more important than his game.”
“He refused to listen and continued to berate me, adding that I haven’t even been having sex with him and that we’ve only had sex four times since Emma was born.”
“He accused me of wanting to take everything away from him while doing nothing all day and sitting at home on my a**.”
The OP felt like she was losing her mind.
“Jake never helps during the day either, even after he finishes work at 5:00 PM. I don’t expect him to help during work hours, but once he’s off, he should be stepping up as a parent.”
“Instead, he goes straight to his games, leaving me to handle everything alone.”
“Since that night, he’s been sulking around the house, barely speaking to me.”
“To make matters worse, his friends have been sending me nasty messages, calling me a ‘crazy wife’ and saying I’m unreasonable. One of them even suggested that Jake should leave me because I’m ‘too demanding.'”
“I feel like I’m losing my mind here, just trying to get a bit of support. I’m exhausted, and all I wanted was for Jake to step up and be a parent, too. Instead, I’m being painted as the villain for wanting help with our newborn.”
“AITAH?”
After reading the initial responses, the OP offered a few clarifications.
“For those saying why I married him and didn’t I know this before, Jake was completely different before Emma was born. He was supportive and understanding. This behavior is new and shocking to me.”
“To all those calling me the a**hole, I am sorry. Your words cut deep, and I feel more hurt than I can express. I didn’t turn off the Wi-Fi out of spite or because I couldn’t handle my responsibilities; it was a desperate act after feeling completely unsupported and alone. I feel like I’m drowning in guilt and sadness.”
“This time with Emma has been incredibly challenging. I’m constantly exhausted and in pain from breastfeeding. All I do is cry because I feel like such a failure. I just can’t anymore.”
“Jake works hard, and I appreciate him, but his indifference to my struggles makes me feel so isolated. I spend my days and nights in tears, wondering if I’m failing as a mother and a wife. All I’ve wanted is for us to share the responsibilities of parenting, especially during those late-night feedings and diaper changes that leave me feeling so drained.”
“I’ve been struggling with feelings of sadness and guilt, wondering if I’m failing as a mother and a wife. It’s not about controlling his downtime; it’s about needing his support during this incredibly tough time. I wish you could understand the depth of loneliness and frustration I’ve been feeling.”
“Your words about me being selfish and immature hit hard because I’ve been questioning myself constantly. I never wanted to play the victim or make Jake out to be the bad guy. All I wanted was for us to work together as a team, like we promised each other when we decided to start a family.”
“I’m sorry if my actions hurt anyone, including Jake and his friends. I was overwhelmed and at my breaking point. I’m trapped in a cycle of guilt, feeling like everything is my fault. I never wanted to hurt anyone; I just don’t know how to cope anymore. I’m not trying to be selfish. I’m just trying to survive.”
The OP also had some thoughts about her breastfeeding experience.
“A lot of people are saying I am making breastfeeding a huge deal, and millions of moms do it, too, but mastitis isn’t just a minor inconvenience; it’s an excruciating, throbbing pain that feels like shards of glass stabbing into my breasts with every suckle.”
“Sometimes, the pain is so intense that I cry silently while Emma feeds and I have to bury my face in a pillow to muffle my cries because Jake has made it clear that my suffering is a nuisance to him. He says he is either working, gaming, or sleeping, so I should not disturb him.”
“And some people are saying that even if this happens to me, then what the f**k should he do here? Do I expect him to grow breasts and feed Emma? Of course not, I am not expecting him to do that, I just want him to support me. He never offers to help during these moments, even though I’m in tears and desperately in need of support.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were disgusted with the OP’s husband as soon as he mentioned sex.
“As soon as he brought up the lack of sex, it showed who he was. If you told him that you wanted sex, he would stop gaming when he came home. This has to do with you not catering to his ‘needs.'”
“You need to really think about if you want your daughter to be raised in a house where her father treats her mother badly. Remember that kids learn what is acceptable behavior in relationships by watching what their parents do. Is this the kind of relationship that you would want your daughter to have?” – Bfan72
“He probably doesn’t care enough to even know what his wife’s body has been through. Complaining about sex while her uterus is healing a large open wound as well as shrinking, not to mention vaginal or c-section healing and the pain of breastfeeding, is just pathetic.”
“Plus, the possible birth trauma or disconnect of one’s self after the hormonal and physical changes after literally growing a human being inside her body and then delivering it. What a loser!” – emmaconda
“He laughed about her mastitis pain. He not only doesn’t care about her and her body, he enjoys her pain. No wonder he wants sex now when it might hurt her.” – TurtleZenn
“Mastitis was one of the worst experiences I’ve ever had. Not only did it feel like my boobs had ground glass in them, but they felt like water balloons full of hot water about to pop. Add onto that the fever, weakness, and brain fog. My husband had to carry me to the car to get to the doctor because I was so weak.”
“I can’t imagine ignoring someone in that state, let alone laughing at them. This man is a piece of s**t, and I hope OP really thinks about whether she wants her child growing up with this man and this relationship as the role model for their child.” – Whatdaeverlovingf**k
“That was the part that really sent it over the top for me. What kind of person complains about only being able to get their d**k wet four times since their baby was born just three months ago? Doing the math makes him look even worse.”
“Most women are not physically, mentally, or emotionally prepared for sexual intercourse for AT LEAST six to eight weeks after creating an entirely new human being from scratch. So either he’s complaining about ‘only’ having sex four times in a month, which is a ridiculous complaint, especially with a newborn in the house, or he pressured her into resuming sexual activity immediately after giving birth.”
“Neither of those makes him the victim. They make him an awful person.” – birthdayanon08
Others went back and forth between entertaining ideas about leaving the baby with the husband to teach him a lesson and cautioning against it.
“Saturday morning, put some bottles in the fridge. Put the baby on Jake’s chest, and walk out the door. Come back eight hours later and ask him how ‘sitting around on his @ss all day’ was.”
“Forewarn the MIL (mother-in-law) that this is happening so she doesn’t come and rescue him.” – z-eldapin
“My friend did exactly this to her piece of s**t ex-husband, and he was very helpful after that. She left him for other reasons. But he stopped that bulls**t real quick.” – chixnwafflez
“My boyfriend held (and still does at 14 months) the baby while he gamed. Tiny babies take a lot of naps and he can absolutely just hold the napping baby while he games. Unless he’s the type that gets violent while gaming, which from his reaction seems likely.” – Clever_mudblood
“Leaving him alone with the baby is a bad idea. A friend tried that once. She came back to a baby in the car seat all day. He hadn’t been fed or changed. He had a bleeding diaper rash for a week after.”
“Getting full physical and legal custody was a breeze after that, but I swear it changed the baby. He was never quite the same. Please don’t try this with Emma, even to try to teach Jake something. I know no one here means it this way, but Emma is not a teaching tool.” – Straxicus2
“I was going to say something about how I wouldn’t trust him for that long and maybe try an hour, but then caught myself because that’s not normal. He shouldn’t be a parent if she can’t trust him to watch the baby for an hour, let alone eight.”
“OP, this is one of those times when someone tells you who they are, and you should listen. He doesn’t care about you or the baby.”
“It doesn’t get better from here. He will not snap out of it and just become a loving father. He will neglect you and your baby until he has sucked the life force from you, and you’re left wondering who you are.”
“Please, at the very least, explore couples counseling. At minimum you two need to get on the same page with communication.” – EastTyne1191
The OP then shared a second post, including more clarifications and an update.
“First, I want to say that I initially posted just to find out if I was wrong for sabotaging my husband’s tournament. I ended up sharing a lot of context, and I never expected to receive such an outpouring of advice on other issues. But oh my God, your responses have been the best thing that’s happened to me lately. Your words have had a profound impact on me.”
“From the bottom of my heart, thank you SO much to all the mamas, dads, and everyone who offered their wonderful advice and educated me on postpartum depression (PPD). After reading everything, I immediately booked an appointment for the next day, and it turns out I do have PPD. I’ll be starting therapy soon, and my doctor has also suggested joining a support group (I’m still considering it).”
“I never thought I’d be saying this to random strangers, but I love you all so much. You’ve turned my life around.”
“Also, thank you so so so much to everyone who informed me about tongue ties. I went to see a doctor for this as well, and it turns out my baby has a minor, unnoticeable tongue tie that was causing all the latching issues. I’ve scheduled an appointment later this week to get it corrected. Without your advice, I would have never known, and it would have continued to be a struggle.”
The OP felt a little bit of relief because of the positive messages.
“Yesterday, I was feeling so depressed, crying all day. But today, everything feels so much better. Each one of your comments made a difference. I’ve read almost all of your advice. Though I couldn’t reply to every comment, I spent a lot of time reading and each one touched my heart deeply. Again, thank you so much, everyone. You are incredible.”
“To everyone who messaged me with their advice and resources like books, other subReddits, and websites, I am eternally grateful. I promise I’ll reply whenever I get a chance. I saved a lot of comments because the advice was so invaluable.”
“I’m amazed that so many people took the time to give me and my baby detailed, thoughtful replies. I’ll try to respond to you guys whenever I can I hope you all understand.”
The OP also felt validated about her current feelings surrounding sex.
“About the sex thing, thank you to everyone who made me aware that this isn’t normal. I had been feeling guilty this whole time, thinking it’s already been six weeks and wondering why I didn’t want to have sex.”
“Jake was gaslighting me into believing that my sex drive should be normal after six weeks and guilting me for not wanting to have sex. Each of the four times we did, I felt very uncomfortable, but I thought maybe it was just me.”
“Now that everyone has shared how long their partners waited, and husbands have told me how long they waited for their wives to be comfortable, it made me realize how much I’ve been pressured unfairly.”
The OP also had done much reflecting about turning off the Wi-Fi.
“Also, there were a few gamer people who trolled me heavily for what I did, but most of the gamer parents, especially gamer dads, came forward and shared how wonderful they are as parents and how gaming comes after their child.”
“The first hour after I posted this, I was harassed badly, especially by this one person (his account has been deleted by the moderators now). But after that horrific hour, most people were so supportive and nice.”
“I was thinking of deleting my post after all the backlash from some gamers and a lot of men agreeing with Jake, saying that just because I am on maternity leave, I do nothing all day and shouldn’t expect Jake to help because he is working and I am being unreasonable for wanting him to help out more. But thank God I didn’t delete it; it would have been the worst mistake.”
“Trust me, you guys, it’s not just about the advice but the emotional support you gave me in a day, sitting miles away from me. My husband couldn’t even give that in three months, being under the same roof as me. This made me feel so much better, realizing I needed this support. Again, thank you so much, everyone.”
“I still cry a lot and feel an overwhelming sense of guilt, like a heavy weight pressing down on my heart. There are moments when I feel like I’m failing as a mother and a wife, and the pain of those thoughts is unbearable. But thanks to all of you, I feel so much better than before. Your words have been like a lifeline, pulling me out of the darkest depths of despair.”
“Every comment, every message, has been a reminder that I’m not alone in this struggle. I can’t describe the relief of knowing that there are people who understand and care. It’s like a warm embrace that I desperately needed, and for that, I am very grateful. You’ve given me the strength to keep going, to fight for myself and my baby, and for that, I will never be able to thank you enough.”
The OP also answered more questions, like: “How long have we been together?”
“We dated for one year and five months before getting married and have been married for about a year and four months. So we’ve been together in total for about two years nine months.”
“Was the pregnancy planned?”
“Yes, it was planned and actually his idea. I wanted to wait at least a year after getting married, but he made everything sound so good, like we would be such great parents, and how we would do stuff together, and how happy everything would be.”
“I didn’t need much convincing. I got very excited hearing all this and had butterflies in my stomach.”
“But now that I think of it, while we were dating, I remember him saying multiple times that it’s his goal to get married and have a kid before turning 30 (Emma was born a month before he turned 30), so maybe he was just trying to achieve his goal.”
“How long does my maternity leave last, and is it paid or unpaid?”
“I work at a well-known USA-based company that offers 16 weeks of paid maternity leave. Maternity leave can be extended up to 22 weeks, but those additional weeks will be unpaid.”
“How does my income compare to his?”
“I do make a little more money than he does annually, but I also have longer working hours. He usually works from 10:00 AM to 5:00 PM, with an hour break in between, so about six hours of actual work.”
“Why did I have a baby with him when I knew he was so into gaming?”
“No, he wasn’t into gaming that much before. It was three to four hours a day. After the baby came, he didn’t game much for about a week, but after that, oh my God, he was gaming 24/7, even during meals and work breaks.”
“Once, I caught him working on the laptop during his work hours and gaming with his free hand. He probably is cutting a lot on sleep just to game. It would easily be 10+ hours of gaming daily.”
“Does he help with other chores?”
“No, he very rarely does. I do all the chores like laundry, dishes, and vacuuming.”
“Once, I threatened him that he must at least do his own dishes because I wouldn’t do it anymore, and after that, he got a huge stack of disposable plates, spoons, glasses, etc. Honestly, I use those too from his stock sometimes because I’m just so exhausted.”
“I do most of the cooking. He’ll boil eggs at the most, and he does that at most two to three times a week.”
“About three weeks ago, I was really mad at him because I had asked him to change Emma’s diapers if she pooped while I was at my gynecologist for a follow-up. He didn’t change Emma’s diapers, so I didn’t make food for him for three days. He ordered DoorDash for all the meals.”
The OP felt perplexed at the idea of leaving Emma alone with her husband.
“That’s why even though a lot of people are asking me to leave him with Emma for eight hours, I don’t know in what condition I’ll find my baby when I come back.”
“I was only gone for an hour and a half, and I came home to her crying and soiled while my husband had his headphones on. He claimed he didn’t hear the crying. God knows how long my baby had been crying.”
“I felt awful that night and cried myself to sleep, thinking did she start crying as soon as I left and cry for the whole hour and a half?”
“Also, I have no idea what I will do after I resume my job, and I barely have 10 weeks to figure everything out.”
“I haven’t thought what to do about Jake as of now, but I’ll let you know.”
The OP was also reluctant to reach out to her family for help.
“A lot of people have suggested that I go to my parents’ house or call my mother-in-law, but it would create a huge scene if I did.”
“My parents, especially my dad, are very protective of me since I’m an only child. If he knew how Jake has been treating me and our daughter, he would take me home immediately and get me divorced, and Jake would be in serious trouble (he doesn’t like Jake already). And if my male cousins found out, I can’t even explain what would happen to him. They are extremely protective of me, as well.”
“It’s not that I don’t want to be with my family or get their help, but I would have to explain the reason, and I don’t want to do this to Jake just yet. Many people have mentioned that Jake might have PPD, too, because it’s unusual for him to change all of a sudden like this. I still want to hold onto hope after reading all those comments about how therapy changed their husbands, and even some dads coming forward telling me how they used to be like Jake and now they have changed.”
The OP was feeling the pressure to do the best for her daughter that she could.
“Two to three dads also messaged me, saying they are like Jake, and told me to run as far as I can. One of them said he ended up beating his six-month-old baby when he was crying, and another said he shook his baby.”
“Oh my God, this terrified me. Jake is behaving awfully, but I think he would never do something like that. But after reading all this, I don’t think I can leave Emma alone with him.”
“I’m crying while writing this, but I want you all to know that when Emma grows up, I will make sure to tell her about the kind strangers who helped her and her mama in such difficult times. I’ll tell her about the people who, even from miles away, reached out with their hearts and lifted us up when we were at our lowest.”
“The tears I shed now are not just from the pain and exhaustion, but also from the overwhelming gratitude I feel for each one of you. I’ll forever be grateful for your kindness and compassion, and I want Emma to know that in our darkest moments, there were angels who came to our rescue. Thank you for giving us the strength to carry on.”
As responses started to come in for the second post, the OP edited the post.
“Many of you are urging me to call my dad ASAP and get his help. Trust me, I understand why you’re saying this, but there’s something you should know about my dad. When it comes to me, he’s incredibly hot-headed and protective. If my dad, cousins, and uncles find out how Jake has been treating me, they will definitely go after him, and it won’t end well. I’m scared they will face assault charges or worse for what they’ll do to Jake.”
“Even if Jake decides to get therapy and changes, my dad will never let me try again with him. There’s no way my family will allow Jake back into my life once they know everything. It hurts every day when I have to hold back my tears while talking to my mom, dad, and other family members. It hurts to lie to my parents, to pretend that everything is perfect when I’m actually falling apart. Sometimes I break down while on calls, and I have to cut the conversation short, lying that Emma woke up again just so they don’t hear me crying.”
“You don’t know how much I want to tell them, how much I want their support, but I’m terrified of making a decision where there’s no coming back from in such haste. I fear making a decision in haste that leaves no room for redemption or reconciliation.”
Fellow Redditors overwhelmed the OP with support.
“The OP said, ‘My parents, especially my dad, are very protective of me since I’m an only child. If he knew how Jake has been treating me and our daughter, he would take me home immediately and get me divorced, and Jake would be in serious trouble.'”
“THIS is exactly the reason you NEED to tell them. You have a support team, but you’re not using them.”
“Honey, Jake isn’t going to listen to you or to a bunch of internet strangers. He NEEDS other men up in his face to shake him until the rocks in his skull come loose.”
“PLEASE, for your safety and Emma’s, call your dad. Call your cousins. Be honest with what’s going on and LET THEM HELP YOU. Please.” – Condensed_Sarcasm
“I’m kind of wondering what Jake might have been doing to OP over the last two years of their relationship. You don’t suddenly become agreeable to this treatment.”
“It makes me remember that narcissists are so very charming sometimes. It certainly seems like he’s been trying to break her down.”
“It honestly puts a lot in my stomach thinking about this guy pressuring her into sex weeks after giving birth. Disgusting behavior. I really hope OP’s therapist helps her realize she’s better off without him, even if it means causing a scene (god, it killed me to read that).” – PicklesMcPickle
“When I read about dads like this, it makes me REALLY angry. This lazy f**ker doesn’t even work a full workday, and he can’t lift a finger.”
“OP, if you are reading this, my wife and I have a baby, she doesn’t work, and I work about 70 hours a week. I still put the baby to bed most nights, read to the older kids, and help with breakfast in the mornings, and my wife and I share the chores and childcare during weekends.”
“And I feel guilty for not doing enough as I see how exhausted my wife is.”
“That is already bad enough. But to leave a little newborn inconsolable and soiled because you want to game more? What a jerk. One of my older kids had a chronic health issue. It used to upset me so much when I couldn’t calm him down and I would have done anything just to make him feel better. Leaving him to play imaginary characters on a screen? What a tosser.” – AMKRepublic
“Jake had no problem calling in reinforcements from his friends. He should understand if OP calls in some reinforcement from family.”
“If Jake will be in big trouble, it’s because he’s behaved in that way. If you’re concerned about him having PPD, then tell that to your parents and in-laws so they know he may need help. But your priority is your baby. And as her primary caregiver, you can’t give her the best care if you don’t take care of yourself, too.”
“You have a village. Call on them. They love you and want to help you. And let them help you figure out what Jake needs … After you get settled.” – cuddlycannoli
“My daughter is an only child too and if she was ever in a relationship with a Jake and hiding how badly he was mistreating her, it would break my heart for her.” – Top_Put1541
Overwhelmed by support, the OP shared a third post with another update.
“I know this is a very early update; it’s only been five hours since I posted my last update; but they have been enough to knock some sense into me. You guys are right. I am being an a**hole here and not prioritizing my baby, so I need to get out of here ASAP.”
“Oh my God, I read the comments, and I am overwhelmed. I’ve been crying hysterically again. Jake even shouted from the other room, asking if I could keep it down. You’re right; he won’t change; he is so insensitive. Realizing how foolish I’ve been has hit me hard. You all made me see how stupid I am for not leaving Jake and going to my parents, and how I am putting both Emma’s and my lives in danger.”
“The thing that moved me the most was when you told me to imagine if it was Emma being treated like this. Would I want her to keep quiet or tell me what’s happening with her? That hit me so hard. I can’t bear the thought of her going through what I’m going through.”
The OP was planning to take action.
“I’ve decided to talk to my family tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. I need some time to think about what and how much to say to them so the worst doesn’t happen, and my family doesn’t end up in jail. They love me a lot and have been protective of me since I was a kid.”
“I also need to find and upload all the recordings from the CCTV cameras to my laptop, which will help me with custody if we end up getting divorced. I need time to figure out the recordings and CCTV stuff, so I’ll probably call someone for help.”
“I’m thinking of doing this discreetly when Jake is sleeping because I am scared he might completely lose it. I know he probably won’t even notice since he mostly sleeps between gaming and doesn’t come out of the room. But then again, I have been an idiot about so much stuff already, so let me know if I should do it another way.”
“Please, if there are steps (other than the recordings and important documents) I should take before telling my family and leaving, let me know (because I know once I leave, I won’t be coming back). I know I don’t reply often, but I read your comments, and I promise I’ll try to reply when things are better here. But please, I only have a little time and don’t want to mess this up. You guys have scared the hell out of me with the possibilities of what could happen.”
The OP was also planning to seek medical help.
“Secondly, I know you must be thinking, ‘Why does this woman cry a lot? She is always crying, and she is pathetic,’ but I don’t know what’s happening to me. All I do is cry, and I wasn’t like this before. I cried very little before giving birth, to be honest. I am just very overwhelmed.”
“And to those who are saying bad things about my dad, calling him a psycho-control freak with anger issues, trust me, he is nothing like that. He is actually a very calm person, but he is very close to me and extremely protective. Since I was little, he has been protective even when someone raises their voice at me. He is not a bad person; he just cares deeply about me.”
“Thank you all for your support and advice. You’ve opened my eyes, and I’m determined to make things better for Emma and me.”
“P.S. Emma just woke up and now she is just staring at me with her big blue eyes, and she isn’t even crying. Maybe she is trying to say something, I don’t know. Even this is making me break down in tears. I am back from where I began; I am going crazy.”
“I can’t believe looking at her tiny hands, her little fingers gripping mine, that I was being such a blindfolded, id**tic b***h who was going to jeopardize my baby’s life. The guilt and shame are overwhelming, and I feel like the worst mother in the world.”
The subReddit was relieved and continued to show the OP support.
“I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s clear how much you love Emma and want the best for her. You’re making the right choice by prioritizing her safety.”
“Take it one step at a time. Gather your evidence, and reach out to your family with a plan. You’re not alone in this; there’s so much support for you.”
“Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re not pathetic or weak;you’re a loving mother doing her best. When you talk to your family, be honest. They love you and will help protect you and Emma.”
“If you’re scared of Jake’s reaction, leaving while he’s asleep sounds smart. Make sure you have all important documents and belongings ready.”
“Stay safe. You’re stronger than you think, and we’re all here for you.” – PositionSuch1097
“Ok, Mamma Bear, I understand this is probably the hardest thing you’ve ever done, and there’s a million emotions and thoughts running through your head, but step one is to schedule your breakdown six or eight months or a year from now.”
“I am not trying to be flippant, so please forgive me if it comes off that way. You absolutely have to go through all your thoughts and emotions, but schedule them for later. You have work to do. Like Kenny Rogers said, ‘Don’t count your money when you’re sitting at the table, there’ll be time enough for counting when the dealing’s done.'”
“Get birth certificates for you and Emma, any passport/citizenship documents, and remove him from your bank account if he has access, and lock down your credit/credit cards.”
“Here are your go-bag essentials. Best wishes and keep us posted.” – PrideOfCapetown
“If you are in the US, you can call the non-emergency police line for a ‘civil standby’ if you are afraid to leave. The cops will come and keep your husband away from you while you get out.”
“If you do this, be ready to go when they get there; they generally won’t wait while you spend hours packing. It’s NOT to ‘get your husband arrested’ or anything; it’s just to get you out safely.” – Revolutionary-Yak-47
“For the record, it is okay to cry when you have a moment. You are dealing with PPD, taking care of a baby, and going through a huge amount of stress right now. You do have this.”
“Crying is your body trying to regulate and bring you back to equilibrium; let it work! There’s absolutely nothing pathetic about it!”
“My (very tough, very manly) father used to say, ‘Crying means you’re feeling, and feeling means you’re alive; it’s always okay to cry when you need to because it means you’re alive.'”
“Someday all this pain will be a distant memory that does nothing but show how sweet the good days are. You’ll get there!” – DragonCelt25
“All I wanted to do was reach through the screen, give you a hug, and let you know you’re not pathetic, you’re not crying for no reason, you’re not hopeless.”
“You are a Mother of a newborn baby who has a small tied tongue. You are basically the single mother of two children. No support from anyone you love because you fear their reactions, but that is all changing.”
“You are not alone. You have an amazing family who would do anything for you. You have a gorgeous baby who loves you so much because she knows her Mama has her back. You have done the near impossible whilst battling PPD.”
“You are a superstar! You are strong, fierce, loyal, loving, caring, and so sweet.”
“You have raised your daughter alone. You have found a way to get help, knowing you need it, and seen the problems you’re having, are caused by several reasons.”
“You were open about the (at the time) potential diagnosis and went to find out if that was actually happening to you.”
“You were open about strangers giving you advice about why Emma wasn’t latching properly, took the advice on board, made an appointment, and found out the reason. So many wouldn’t do any of this. They would scoff, and defend themselves. ‘Not me.’ ‘Not my baby.'”
“This shows how much you love yourself and love your daughter. Asking for help when you’re so overwhelmed, and then taking that advice, was extremely brave.”
“Now, here you are, wondering if, in your exhausted and overwhelmed state, if you’re forgetting anything important before you leave your husband. Again, well done. You are making all the right choices to ensure a clean break from this awful person.”
“Make sure you have all your accounts locked so he cannot access them. Close any joint accounts, or withdraw your portion and put it into your own account.”
“Only pack what you need. Emma’s things too. You can get everything else at the other end when you’re no longer paying for everything.”
“You need Emma’s Birth Certificate. Your birth certificate. Passports? Social security number? Bank statements, so he can’t see the access numbers. Change your password for all digital accounts. Facebook, Reddit, emails, etc.”
“Get that copy of the CCTV and go through it at your parents’ place. Don’t do it here. You want to be gone sooner rather than later. Then, call your parents, and the police. Organise a time for the police to be there, after having everything packed and ready, so that they can make sure you leave safely without his interference. They aren’t there to arrest him, only to make sure you are safe.”
“DO NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT DOING THIS. Don’t let him make you feel guilty. He is the one who should be feeling guilty for not supporting you, forcing sex onto your healing body, ignoring you and Emma, not helping around the house, not helping with Emma, and not being a loving husband.”
“You have bent over backwards for him and he hasn’t lifted a pinkie for you. You have NO GUILT. If he begs, remember nothing will change. He has already shown you the type of ‘father’ he is.”
“YOU CAN DO THIS, MAMA BEAR. YOU ARE STRONG AND FIERCE AND AMAZING. Keep repeating that to yourself in moments of doubt. You have already been living as a single mother. The difference is that your family will help you now. Remember that. Emma has never had a father. She doesn’t know who that man in the house is.” – Tiggie2000
While the OP felt like she was going through a whirlwind and was a failure as a wife and mother, the subReddit was there to confirm that she was as far from a failure as she could be. The best part was that she had a support system she could lean on, both in the form of the subReddit and her biological family.
Though it’s been a week since the OP’s last update, hopefully, she had been listening to the subReddit’s advice and making a positive move forward for her and her daughter, Emma.
There’s a time and a place for ‘me time’ and for fun activities like gaming, but when it starts to take precedence over a child’s life, it’s time for everyone involved to reevaluate.