Giving away meaningful family gifts can cause quite a stir.
Some people have assumptions about what they're entitled to.
But, in the end, nobody is entitled to anything.
Yet, that doesn't stop certain people from dishing out gifts without thinking it through.
Then we wait for the inevitable fallout to begin.
Redditor 0924i wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to give back a family heirloom?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"A few years ago, my mom gave me a beautiful gold bracelet that originally belonged to my grandma."
"It had been passed down to my mom, and my mom told me she wanted me to have it because I was the 'responsible one' (I'm the oldest of her children) and would appreciate it the most."
'I was honored and have worn it regularly since."
"Now, my younger sister (22 F[emale]) is getting married, and my mom decided she wants the bracelet back so she can give it to my sister as a wedding gift."
"I was shocked because, as far as I knew, it belonged to me now."
"My mom keeps insisting that it was never meant to be 'permanently' mine—just in my possession until it was time to pass it on."
"But she never said that before."
"I refused to give it back, saying that if she wanted it to go to my sister, she shouldn't have given it to me in the first place."
"My sister is now upset because she thinks I'm being selfish and hoarding the bracelet out of spite."
"Most of our family also thinks I'm bitter toward my sister because she's getting married, and I'm unmarried, but that's not the case at all."
"I'm happy for her, I just want to keep the bracelet as it was given to me first."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. The same thing happened to me."
"I gave the bracelet back but it hurt because I thought it was an act of goodwill when it was given to me because I was never close to my mom while she always seemed to have talks and moments for my other siblings."
"I felt quite neglected throughout my childhood and teen years."
"I figured if she didn't want me to have it, then I didn't want it."
"It ruined the meaning it had for me."
"Decades have passed, and I'm still a little hurt, but I've let it go for the most part." ~ Money_System1026
"NTA, my grandma gave me a sari that was passed down through the family, then decided she wanted to give it to someone else, and I was shamed into giving it back."
"My grandma then told everyone I stole it."
"I would have given it back as soon as she asked, but she never did."
"I stopped accepting gifts from her after that." ~ Zafjaf
"NTA. She should have held on to it if she wanted your sister to have it."
"I really hope you're not living there, but in case you are, find somewhere out of the house to keep it." ~ LadyHavoc97
"NTA. Once a gift is given, it belongs to the recipient."
"The giver has no rights to it."
"I guess you'll have to weigh the advantages and the disadvantages of keeping the bracelet."
"If it were me, I'd probably keep the gift."
"And if I still lived at home, I'd put it in a bank vault where no one else can steal it."
"But that's just me."
"I tend to react that way."
"'Possession is 9/10 of the law' as the adage goes."
"Then I'd limit contact." ~ LoveBeach8
"NTA. It was basically a gift, and you don't take back gifts. It's yours."
"It has nothing to do with her getting married at all."
"You did nothing wrong."
"It sounds like THEY are bitter that you have the bracelet."
"But the only reason you have it is YOUR MOTHER GAVE IT TO YOU!!"
"Good luck, OP."
"That bracelet is yours." ~ REDDIT
"NTA - a gift is a gift so it became yours."
"Don't believe your mom that she said or meant anything different than it being an outright gift."
"Whatever her motivation for wanting your sister to have it as a wedding gift now is your mom's business but it can't change the facts."
"Don't continue with any conversation that doesn't acknowledge the bracelet as yours."
"If they ever do acknowledge that it is yours, just say, I won't be gifting her my bracelet, I will get her another gift." ~ Two-Theories
"NTA. My mother gave me my grandmother's diamond when I got married."
"I had it made into my own ring."
"4 years later, we got divorced."
"One of the first things she said to me was don't you dare sell that diamond."
"That's going to your brother when he gets married."
"😳 I'm sorry, what?"
"I just kinda said I'm not selling the ring."
"It's still in my closet." ~ Relative-Coach6711
"NTA. You were given the bracelet as a gift, not a loan."
"It's yours now."
'End of story." ~ ClackamasLivesMatter
"NTA. Your sister is almost too young to be getting married."
"Don't give it back, but also you need to calmly tell your mother that her giving you an heirloom piece that means a lot to you, and then asking for it back shows you exactly how she feels about you."
"And that she has permanently tarnished your relationship over a bracelet, ask her if a bracelet was worth a daughter's respect."
"Let her know you are keeping it because of your grandmother, but go low contact with your mom and sister."
"Also, start asking them for things back that you know they have used up." ~ Bibliophile_w_coffee
"NTA... if you want to make everyone happy though... go to a jeweler and have them make an exact replica."
"My brothers and I are doing this for my grandmother's rings."
"She had 2 sets of wedding rings (4 rings total)."
'All 4 were left to me."
"But my mom is refusing to give them to me."
"She passed 20ish years ago."
"So I reached out to my brothers (3)."
"I told them we can take all 4 to the jeweler and have them replicate it so there are 4 sets... and each set will hold an original and a replica piece."
"So each of us has them." ~ CatchMeIfYouCan09
"NTA. My M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] did this to my wife recently with a pair of mittens that had been brought over from her grandmother's hometown in another country."
"It really hurt my wife, much more than she wanted to let on."
"I took great pleasure in finding a much nicer pair handmade in that town and gifting them to my wife in front of her."
"His cruelty ruined the sentiment she held for the mittens, so I showed her that she'll never have the loving support system my wife has."
"My wife's delight wasn't secondary, but watching my MIL sit there with her sour grapes was one of my favorite parts of Christmas this year." ~ toujourspret
"NTA. Your mother gave it to you without any discussion of a 'temporary' hold."
"If mom wanted it to go to the younger daughter or whoever would be getting married first she should have stored it in a safe or something."
"It belongs to you, she passed it on to you."
"Now it is your responsibility to pass it on when and to whom you choose."
"A family heirloom stays within the family, and that is exactly where it currently is."
"Mom can give a different piece of jewelry to the bride-to-be." ~ AddressPowerful516
"NTA. You state that your mother gave it to you 'a few years ago.'"
"She had a chance to correct the situation much earlier if she had only meant it as a temporary loan."
'She's attempting to change the parameters of the gift now that she's swept up in the role of being mother-of-the-bride. Nope."
"It was a gift to you and it's not your mother's place to take the gift back to give to someone else."
"That's actually quite hurtful - to take a cherished item from you and give it to someone else."
"Your mother can buy a new bracelet for your sister and start a new heirloom for her future family."
"If you get married and/or have children, you can pass it down your line."
"If you don't have children, that's not anyone's business - the bracelet is yours to do as you wish." ~ SDBadKitty
"NTA. Your sister was definitely pissed it was given to you and decided she wanted it, using your Mom as the messenger."
"Stand your ground."
"Your mom ought to be ashamed of encouraging that behavior." ~ Bibliophilewitch
"Don't give it back of course."
"However, I would point out to your mother and your sister, that it's perfectly appropriate for either one of them to buy a similar bracelet for it to be reminiscent of whomever the bracelet belongs to originally."
"That's the solution to getting crazy about the little tchotchke, or jewelry that goes to one person and not others."
"Mother should check the possession she actually owns and determine what she wants to gift your sister."
"And she should read this." ~ mostly_lurking1040
"If your mother intended that bracelet for your sister, she should have either kept it for her for a few years or given it to her directly."
"Giving it to you, because you're 'the responsible one' and then requesting it back years later so she can give it to your (supposedly) irresponsible sister makes zero sense."
"Is it possible that your mom is suffering from dementia?"
"And as someone else suggested, it sounds like your sister put a bug in Mom's ear. NTA." ~ mumtaz2004
"NTA. It's hard for me to fathom what goes on in some people's minds."
"The audacity to ask for a gift back years later, and then act as if you're in the wrong for not giving it back is just mind-boggling."
"Your sister shouldn't even want it at this point, she should be fearful that your mom would ask for it back at some point years from now." ~ s**t_a**_mcfucknuts
"NTA, of course."
"For entertainment purposes..."
"Have a cheap but convincing replica made and 'accidentally' leave it somewhere such that your mom might take advantage of the opportunity to repossess it without your consent."
"It will get you off the hook with the extended family and give you leverage for future arguments."
"It will also eventually get discovered to be a replica and that will cause a whole new bag of drama." ~ Restil
"NTA. That bracelet belongs to you."
"Put it in a safety deposit box or a safe for the time being to keep it secure."
"It was not explicitly stated that the gift was conditional."
"How tacky to ask for it back." ~ pennywhistlesmoonpie
"F**k no. Keep the bracelet."
"My mom did the same with me."
"Straight up got nasty about my giving up an inheritance (in my case a blanket)."
"My mom decided it should go to my little sister after she was married."
"The fight we had changed our dynamic."
"I'm now married 27 years and my little sister has been divorced but her marriage was the important one."
"Mom passed 6 years ago and I'm still salty about it, but I am still the steward of the family blanket."
"The bracelet is yours. NTA." ~ WhereRweGoingnow
"NTA - I feel you on this."
"Mom gave me a necklace that was beautiful."
"I was moving around through college, and she decided to hold onto it for me, so it wouldn't get lost."
"Next thing I know my Mom gave it to my sister for Christmas."
"I couldn't believe it, I was sitting there while she opened it."
"I asked my mom later how she could do that, and she said 'she needed it more.'" ~ GeekGirl711
"NTA- I wore a necklace of my grandmother's at my wedding and kept it."
"Her jewelry was always supposed to come to me but as she got older, cousins would 'borrow' items that never came back."
"I knew if this necklace went back, I would never see it again."
"I kept making excuses when cousins would ask about it."
"It is basically the only thing I ended up with after my grandmother passed." ~ indoorsysloth
"NTA. And keep that bracelet secure whenever you are not wearing it."
"I guarantee that Mom or Sis or some other family member will be happy to grab it at the first opportunity and give it to your sister."
"I mean, don't even have it on your wrist while asleep if anyone else is around."
"They'll be watching for their chance." ~ Ok-Swordfish2723
"NTA. Nope, no way."
"If it is for your sister to wear on her wedding day and then return to you, no worries."
"Go for it."
"My husband is the family heirloom guardian for a pocket watch, but everyone who gets married gets to wear it at their wedding if they want."
"But it is returned to him until the next male heir bearing his last name is of age."
"To be honest, heirlooms usually go to the eldest unless there are extenuating circumstances/a special rule."
"You already have the bracelet in your possession, don't give it up." ~ Effective-Mongoose57
"I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but your mother is a jerk."
"NTA. Don't give it back." ~ Blue_Saturn_06
Reddit is in your corner OP.
This is on your Mom.
She gave you this gift.
She needs to take responsibility,
You've done nothing wrong.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp