Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Give Friend's Daughter $2.5 Million But Only $1.5 Million To Friend's Son

When a non-parent gives gifts to siblings, should all things be equal?

Who should decide, the giver or the children's parent?

A woman who wants to gift a large sum of money to their best friend's children turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback before they make their gifts. Asked as an AITA question, it's really more of a "Would I Be The A**hole" (WIBTA) scenario since nothing has happened yet.

2thr0waway4t0day asked:

"AITA if I gave my best friend's kids a different life changing amount of money?"

The original poster (OP) explained:

"I (37, female) recently received a life-changing amount of money. I haven't told my best friend (37, female) yet that she & her two kids (12, female & 2, male) will each be gifted a life-changing amount of money in an irrevocable trust."

"Here is where it gets a bit sticky, I want to give her daughter 2.5 million and her son 1.5 million. The reason I want to do this is because I helped raise her daughter when she was little, and I still have her with me every school vacation."

"She genuinely feels like she is my child, she calls me mom, and there is no difference between her and my own children, it's the exact same amount of love. Her daughter was abused when she was younger, which has resulted in several mental issues."

"Her therapist has said it may be difficult for her to live a normal life and she will likely need lifelong therapy. Her son has his dad in his life (her daughter's dad OD'd), his dad is a lifer in the military, and her son is very blessed with new clothing, toys, etc... (her daughter is not)."

"Her son is set up better in life, it is what it is. I grew up as the black sheep of the family and did not get the same opportunities my siblings did, and it has had lifelong ramifications."

"I look at her daughter's life and I can't help but see her childhood shaping up to be like mine, and I don't want that."

"While I can't change her situation, I can give her money to use to help her future. Money is a tool after all."

"My concern is how my friend will take this. In her eyes they are both her children, and they are treated equal. I don't want her to see the discrepancy in the amount and think I don't love her son as much or I see him as lesser than his sister, and I don't."

"But I am more invested in her daughter and my motherly instinct is to provide and protect her."

"In addition to this, this is a gift. This is on my own free will and why can't I do this?"

"So Reddit, AITA?"

The OP summed up their situation.

"I haven't taken action yet, I'm reaching out to see if my thinking is flawed and I could be an a**hole. Action would be gifting money disproportionately."

Redditors weighed in by declaring:

• NTA - Not The A**hole
• YTA - You're The A**hole
• NAH - No A**holes Here
• ESH - Everyone Sucks Here

The majority of Redditors decided tťhe OP was not the a**hole (NTA), although almost all of them cautioned the OP not to disclose the inheritance amounts to their friend.

"I think you've explained this really well already. Effectively, both children are getting 1.5 million each because of how much you care about them and their family."

"The daughter is getting 1 million more because of your very close connection with her and because she doesn't have another parent to care for her."

"Your friend can be upset, maybe from an 'I love my kids equally' point of view, but you don't love them equally, and that's OK."

"She just needs to accept you don't love her son as much as you love her daughter, and because of your reasoning, hopefully she will." ~ SubstantialMaize6747

"NTA, but set up the trusts for the kids without telling them/her the amounts. Or even that they have the trusts. Money changes people. But if you truly want this for their future, do it quietly." ~ Intelligent-Mine7915

"NTA. But don't tell your friend the exact dollar amounts. It's going to cause issues because you're not being equal with the kids. So just tell her that you're setting up college trusts that will start paying out at 18 so that they won't have to worry about an education."

"You can acknowledge that you have to put more in her daughter's account since her son has another 10 years for interest building. But both kids will have at least $1 million ready for their education at 18."

"She doesn't need the exact dollar amounts, because face it, with interest and such, you won't know the exact amounts. If she's a halfway decent person, she should hear that her kids will have a heck of a fund set for them and be grateful that the kids get this life boost."

"And then over the next few years, make sure her daughter learns financial literacy, taxes, how to save and invest so she's ready to take on those funds when she's an adult. I personally wouldn't hand an 18-year-old two million dollars without any strings or education, because it'll disappear quickly."

"When her son gets older, he has to learn the same things. And then if they want to do college, trades or start a business, they have a cushion and some financial acumen." ~ Sugar_Mama76

"I mean, it might not hurt to do the math, and see how the timeline would affect the final amount. It's entirely possible that by the time the little one reaches 18, it will be about the same amount the 12-year-old gets when they reach 18."

"That could be a good way to balance it."

"But I would also definitely talk to Mom first, and see her feelings about it and ultimately respect her wishes. Even if you have more of a connection with the older child, you don't want a gift/money to be the cause of resentment in a family." ~ Wise-Matter9248

But some felt the OP would be creating unnecessary conflict or resentment for her friend's children (YTA).

"If you really care about the daughter, you won't set her up for the anger and resentment she'll receive from her sibling once it is made known she will get more money. Favoritism destroys relationships. YTA." ~ CPSue

"Okay, YTA for this specifically because the first part of your explanation for the discrepancy all came down to you like her better because you've known her longer."

"Everything else is entirely legitimate, but you should think about how much that first thing is weighted on your list." ~ HorizonHunter1982

"YTA, because this sounds like an impulsive decision that could backfire on you. The best thing you can do is to lock the money down for 12 or 14 months except for enough to cover any immediate needs (bills, mortgage, car payments, time-sensitive house repairs) so that you yourself can't touch it."

"This will give you time to adjust to having this money so that you don't burn through it impulsively. A very common issue with people who come into large inheritances or lotto winnings is that they don't consider that this is a one-time thing and they fritter through the money without making long-term plans and end up with no money." ~ No-Assignment5538

"Slight YTA, in my opinion. Your intent is admirable, but there's really no functional difference between the amounts you've suggested. Both would be life changing."

"It's inevitable that the younger one would feel slighted, though yet again both children would be set for life. I recommend giving them both the same amount."

"I commented without reading other responses, so there may be aspects of the situation I didn't consider, or alternative takes." ~ TheThirteenthCylon

"YTA, why would you take a good deed and inject weird petty sh*t into it? Optionally, why choose to cause a problem?" ~ WeirdnessWalking

"I say YTA, because I think she would benefit more from having you in her life than just the money. I would think inheriting this much money at a young age could have a bad impact on them instead of the positive one you hoped it would."

"Why not just a college fund? Or hold the money in separate accounts for them until they are older? Money corrupts." ~ Apart_Shoulder6089

"It's hard to call you an a**hole when you are giving a life-changing amount of money; however, YTA. Why create drama when you know this will create drama?"

"Give each kid 2 mil. Put the favored kid in your will. Don't put the other in your will. This would be less a**holely." ~ TristisBlue

"YTA. Well, not really an a**hole because you will give them lots of money. However, you are creating a rift between two kids without them asking for that."

"As those kids come of age, they will understand the difference. When F turns 20, her little brother will be 10 and he will understand there is a BIG diffirence in money."

"He will resent his sister for that difference, even though his sister can't help that."

"To favour one over the other like this is cruel. Especially on a little boy who is only 2 years old. And the mom will feel that's an unfair burden, too."

"You could make them equally happy if you gave them the same. There wouldn't be an akward rift between them. And you will be loved forever."

"Don't split them up. It's not worth it." ~ wamiwega

OP certainly has some things to consider before taking action.

What message do they want their gift to send?