Feeding your baby is natural.
Whether from a bottle or from your nipple is irrelevant.
So in the spirit of that irrelevance, let's talk about something more important.
What happens when someone tries to shame you for being a parent?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Electric_Angels when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
"AITA for being indecently exposed while feeding my baby?"
An exciting time.
"I (F28) recently had mine and my husband's (M32) first child - a little boy who is now five months old. Our baby is amazing, and we are so in love with him."
"After the birth, we only allowed our parents/siblings to see the baby so that we could have some time to settle into our new lives."
"We didn't want to be overrun with visitors, but decided to host a BBQ this weekend so some more extended family and friends could meet the baby."
"It went really well, and everyone was so over the moon to see the little one. I would like to clarify, this wasn't a huge gathering, maybe only 10 people."
Kid's gotta eat.
"At one point, I took the baby inside for his lunch."
"I am nursing him at the moment, so I went to his nursery so we could have some privacy. As most people were in the backyard, I thought that this would be a quiet spot for the two of us."
"Unbeknownst to me, my best friend's (F27) husband (M29) needed the bathroom at some point and came into the house."
An intrusive guest.
"I think he was having a bit of a snoop around because he ended up opening the door to the nursery where I was with the baby (which is nowhere near the bathroom) and inevitably found us."
"He was quite shocked and fumbled his words a little bit before closing the door and leaving."
"I was not very happy that this had happened because I had specifically gone looking for a quiet moment so the baby could eat, but it is what it is, and I thought it was over."
"When I walked out of the house a little while later, I was surprised to see that my best friend and her husband had left."
"My husband tells me that when best-friend's-husband (BFH) came out of the house, he immediately reprimanded my husband for the fact that I was exposing myself and acting inappropriately in front of guests."
"Of course, my husband was very confused by what was going on, but BFH basically just grabbed my friend and the two of them left, leaving everyone else quite stunned."
The problem.
"A few hours after everyone had gone home, BFH started a group chat with me, my husband, and my best friend, and basically said that he could not believe how I had exposed myself to him today when I knew he was happily married."
"And that I should have more shame."
"He said that I was not setting a good example for my son, who would grow up as some kind of deviant because I am refusing to feed him in a 'normal and healthy way'."
"I am honestly quite upset about the whole thing, and no one has responded (my best friend has not even opened any of my other messages)."
"But I wonder if maybe I should have just gone with a bottle feed during the event so that this never would have happened. My husband thinks BFH has lost his mind."
OP was left to wonder,
"But I wonder, was I the AH?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
People were... confused.
"NTA"
"HE walked in on YOU in a private moment with you and your son. If he saw you breastfeeding, it's his own fault for wandering around the house and snooping." ~ insomniatic-goblin
"Right—she could have fed the baby in the middle of the party and still not have been doing anything wrong." ~ PopGenProf
"Of course, you're not."
"This man walked in on you while you were in a bedroom in your home."
"He made up lies."
"I would avoid being around him anymore, since I personally wouldn't trust him. He was snooping too. What was he looking for?"
~ Busy_Background_448
"UHM he walked into the NURSERY in YOUR HOME, where you were feeding your child in literally the most NATURAL WAY POSSIBLE, and YOU need to have shame?"
"No."
"He needs to be less invasive and not snoop through your home."
"What the f*ck" ~ kodiofthemyscira
"Wtf did I just read. NTA."
"That guys a total lunatic. Imagine opening the bathroom door on someone and then accusing them of flashing you." ~ ConsciencePineapple
His actions were suspect.
"Exactly!!!"
"The fact that OP was behind a closed door in their own house just adds to the fact that they were not inappropriate."
"This one is really making my blood boil because best friend's husband must be up to some sh*t that's not on the up and up."
"I wonder what else BFH has been accused of doing, caught in the act doing, or what he was doing going room to room at the house. Or was he just trying to catch OP?"
"OP is NTA. BFH is a HUGE a**hole and is not to be trusted for anything!!" ~ UCgirl
"Exactly, he's deflecting and projecting."
"I hope OP has explained to everyone that she was nursing in the room literally named for it behind closed doors and that he walked in on her."
"I can't imagine why anyone would take his side if they knew that." ~ Tachibana_13
"NTA."
"But BFH is a very big one. You did nothing wrong. He went snooping."
"Tell everyone he opened a door to perve on you and is likely a pervert or very screwed up mentally. And cancel him permanently."
"He has shown who he is." ~ jmelross
Our Community had stories.
"I TOTALLY agree he was 'trying to catch her'"!
"Looking at the evidence:"
"There were maybe ten people there, and the purpose of that intimate gathering was to meet the baby."
"Without doubt, there were some hunger signs displayed."
"(The baby is 5 months old! There is a whole routine around feeding by now, which probably includes a dedicated chair or rocker in the nursery)"
"Or it was just 'time to feed'; at which point mom almost assuredly announced to all the baby's new fans, 'Welp, I better go feed baby now' so everyone else was left to socialize among themselves while she moved to a private setting."
"Any 'reasonable adult' could deduce this, even without an announcement, and should have the common manners to knock on a closed door. 🤷"
"Anyone who genuinely 'by accident' saw her breastfeeding would have apologized in the moment and likely tried to keep the entire incident to themself out of sheer embarrassment!"
"As a woman myself, who also works in childcare, I often encounter moms breastfeeding their baby, and have only ever had two reactions:"
"Either I'm embarrassed because I know Mom wanted privacy and I accidentally 'walked in on her'"
"(Happened last week with a mom who is home on maternity leave; I came in the front door to do my job as a nanny to the child and she was sitting on her living room sofa feeding the newborn baby, which she usually does in the nursery when I am there);"
"So I say 'Oops, sorry!' and don't bring it up again."
"Or I know she doesn't feel the need to 'cover' for me, so I simply keep my eyes on her face or any other place than her breast (I'm not a lactation consultant; not my purview)."
"It's really never been a problem. 🤷" ~ Bella_219
"My good friend breastfed her baby in the middle of a party."
"It was filled with her friends and family, including kids."
"No one was phased because feeding a baby is not an indecent or sexual act."
"No one thought their husbands would stray or their children would be scarred because they saw a baby be fed in the most natural way they can be fed."
"(No shade to bottle feeding, do what you and your baby need)" ~ Octopus1027
"So the big joke after my third kid was that I will feed that baby anywhere he wants to eat. In the middle of a party, at a meeting, in a restaurant…."
"When my first was a baby 15 years ago, I got a few looks and comments. With my baby now, literally no one cares. Not one single comment." ~ Independent-Face-959
Intentionally violating someone's privacy, like by snooping in their home, for example, is wrong.
Always.
Attempting to deflect that blame by trying to shame a mom for feeding her kid does not make a good argument. Case dismissed!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp