Feeding your baby is natural.
Whether from a bottle or from your nipple is irrelevant.
So in the spirit of that irrelevance, let's talk about something more important.
What happens when someone tries to shame you for being a parent?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Electric_Angels when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
"AITA for being indecently exposed while feeding my baby?"
An exciting time.
"I (F28) recently had mine and my husband's (M32) first child - a little boy who is now five months old. Our baby is amazing, and we are so in love with him."
"After the birth, we only allowed our parents/siblings to see the baby so that we could have some time to settle into our new lives."
"We didn't want to be overrun with visitors, but decided to host a BBQ this weekend so some more extended family and friends could meet the baby."
"It went really well, and everyone was so over the moon to see the little one. I would like to clarify, this wasn't a huge gathering, maybe only 10 people."
Kid's gotta eat.
"At one point, I took the baby inside for his lunch."
"I am nursing him at the moment, so I went to his nursery so we could have some privacy. As most people were in the backyard, I thought that this would be a quiet spot for the two of us."
"Unbeknownst to me, my best friend's (F27) husband (M29) needed the bathroom at some point and came into the house."
An intrusive guest.
"I think he was having a bit of a snoop around because he ended up opening the door to the nursery where I was with the baby (which is nowhere near the bathroom) and inevitably found us."
"He was quite shocked and fumbled his words a little bit before closing the door and leaving."
"I was not very happy that this had happened because I had specifically gone looking for a quiet moment so the baby could eat, but it is what it is, and I thought it was over."
"When I walked out of the house a little while later, I was surprised to see that my best friend and her husband had left."
"My husband tells me that when best-friend's-husband (BFH) came out of the house, he immediately reprimanded my husband for the fact that I was exposing myself and acting inappropriately in front of guests."
"Of course, my husband was very confused by what was going on, but BFH basically just grabbed my friend and the two of them left, leaving everyone else quite stunned."
The problem.
"A few hours after everyone had gone home, BFH started a group chat with me, my husband, and my best friend, and basically said that he could not believe how I had exposed myself to him today when I knew he was happily married."
"And that I should have more shame."
"He said that I was not setting a good example for my son, who would grow up as some kind of deviant because I am refusing to feed him in a 'normal and healthy way'."
"I am honestly quite upset about the whole thing, and no one has responded (my best friend has not even opened any of my other messages)."
"But I wonder if maybe I should have just gone with a bottle feed during the event so that this never would have happened. My husband thinks BFH has lost his mind."
OP was left to wonder,
"But I wonder, was I the AH?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
People were... confused.
"NTA"
"HE walked in on YOU in a private moment with you and your son. If he saw you breastfeeding, it's his own fault for wandering around the house and snooping." ~ insomniatic-goblin
"Right—she could have fed the baby in the middle of the party and still not have been doing anything wrong." ~ PopGenProf
"Of course, you're not."
"This man walked in on you while you were in a bedroom in your home."
"He made up lies."
"I would avoid being around him anymore, since I personally wouldn't trust him. He was snooping too. What was he looking for?"
~ Busy_Background_448
"UHM he walked into the NURSERY in YOUR HOME, where you were feeding your child in literally the most NATURAL WAY POSSIBLE, and YOU need to have shame?"
"No."
"He needs to be less invasive and not snoop through your home."
"What the f*ck" ~ kodiofthemyscira
"Wtf did I just read. NTA."
"That guys a total lunatic. Imagine opening the bathroom door on someone and then accusing them of flashing you." ~ ConsciencePineapple
His actions were suspect.
"Exactly!!!"
"The fact that OP was behind a closed door in their own house just adds to the fact that they were not inappropriate."
"This one is really making my blood boil because best friend's husband must be up to some sh*t that's not on the up and up."
"I wonder what else BFH has been accused of doing, caught in the act doing, or what he was doing going room to room at the house. Or was he just trying to catch OP?"
"OP is NTA. BFH is a HUGE a**hole and is not to be trusted for anything!!" ~ UCgirl
"Exactly, he's deflecting and projecting."
"I hope OP has explained to everyone that she was nursing in the room literally named for it behind closed doors and that he walked in on her."
"I can't imagine why anyone would take his side if they knew that." ~ Tachibana_13
"NTA."
"But BFH is a very big one. You did nothing wrong. He went snooping."
"Tell everyone he opened a door to perve on you and is likely a pervert or very screwed up mentally. And cancel him permanently."
"He has shown who he is." ~ jmelross
Our Community had stories.
"I TOTALLY agree he was 'trying to catch her'"!
"Looking at the evidence:"
"There were maybe ten people there, and the purpose of that intimate gathering was to meet the baby."
"Without doubt, there were some hunger signs displayed."
"(The baby is 5 months old! There is a whole routine around feeding by now, which probably includes a dedicated chair or rocker in the nursery)"
"Or it was just 'time to feed'; at which point mom almost assuredly announced to all the baby's new fans, 'Welp, I better go feed baby now' so everyone else was left to socialize among themselves while she moved to a private setting."
"Any 'reasonable adult' could deduce this, even without an announcement, and should have the common manners to knock on a closed door. 🤷"
"Anyone who genuinely 'by accident' saw her breastfeeding would have apologized in the moment and likely tried to keep the entire incident to themself out of sheer embarrassment!"
"As a woman myself, who also works in childcare, I often encounter moms breastfeeding their baby, and have only ever had two reactions:"
"Either I'm embarrassed because I know Mom wanted privacy and I accidentally 'walked in on her'"
"(Happened last week with a mom who is home on maternity leave; I came in the front door to do my job as a nanny to the child and she was sitting on her living room sofa feeding the newborn baby, which she usually does in the nursery when I am there);"
"So I say 'Oops, sorry!' and don't bring it up again."
"Or I know she doesn't feel the need to 'cover' for me, so I simply keep my eyes on her face or any other place than her breast (I'm not a lactation consultant; not my purview)."
"It's really never been a problem. 🤷" ~ Bella_219
"My good friend breastfed her baby in the middle of a party."
"It was filled with her friends and family, including kids."
"No one was phased because feeding a baby is not an indecent or sexual act."
"No one thought their husbands would stray or their children would be scarred because they saw a baby be fed in the most natural way they can be fed."
"(No shade to bottle feeding, do what you and your baby need)" ~ Octopus1027
"So the big joke after my third kid was that I will feed that baby anywhere he wants to eat. In the middle of a party, at a meeting, in a restaurant…."
"When my first was a baby 15 years ago, I got a few looks and comments. With my baby now, literally no one cares. Not one single comment." ~ Independent-Face-959
Intentionally violating someone's privacy, like by snooping in their home, for example, is wrong.
Always.
Attempting to deflect that blame by trying to shame a mom for feeding her kid does not make a good argument. Case dismissed!
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.