Just because someone's a neighbor, doesn't mean everybody has to be friends.
Some people are just difficult and everyone has to learn to co-exist.
But every once and awhile, people can't help but speak up.
And that can lead to some chaos.
Case in point...
Redditor narniais4lovers wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for not taking the next elevator when a mom with 7 children demanded it of me?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"A neighbor of mine has 7 children and they are all under the age of 9."
"I have seen her many times, and she always demands people take the next elevator because 'she has kids who need to get home.'"
"She has physically shoved herself into the elevators and forced people out, including my elderly father."
"I was on my way home from work - I take public transit - and she was on the bus with all the kids."
"They were screaming and running up and down the aisle; basically making such a scene that the driver asked her to have the kids sit down before they get hurt."
"Sure enough, one of the kids was spinning around one of the poles and bumped her head as we were going over the train tracks near my place and started screaming."
"She looked like she was physically okay, no blood, not even a red mark, but she screeched the rest of the ride to the building."
"I was first in the building and hit the elevator button."
"She came in with her double stroller and her gaggle of children running around her as I stepped into the elevator and held the door for her."
"She told me that I would have to get out and wait for the next one."
"I said 'excuse me?'"
"She heavy sighed at me and said 'my stroller won’t fit in with you in here. Get out and take the next one.'"
"I refused, saying I would make myself as tiny as I could but I was staying in the elevator."
"She became irate, pointed at her kids, and said 'Do you see what I’m dealing with here?!'"
"I said I understood that it’s overwhelming but I had worked a long day and I needed to get home."
"I said 'in or out, because I’m going now.'"
"She pulled her stroller and kids out, calling me an a**hole the entire time."
"A few people were waiting behind her and got in with me."
"Two began thanking me for standing up to her because she does this 'all the time.'"
"But the other one called me an a**hole for not being sympathetic to her situation."
"I don’t think people should have to make constant accommodations for people just because they have kids."
"Especially when they’re rude and demanding."
"But AITA here?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"I was scared of this comment section."
"It's literally the flip of a coin whether or not you're going to be branded a child hater and told you're TA."
"Or have the nice side of Reddit say NTA and empathize NTA."
"She sounds super entitled, she needs to take responsibility for her choices, and move or wait for the next lift." ~ MrStevenstone
"Unless I am really swayed by other people’s reasoning."
"I always stick by my decision upon reading the post and OP’s comments."
"NTA for OP."
"Having 7 kids doesn’t mean everybody else needs to accommodate mom for 18 plus years."
'Good for you for sticking to your guns." ~ Easy-Concentrate2636
"So someone called you an AH after they took advantage of being able to get on the elevator bc you stuck up for yourself? NTA." ~ throwawayobvi123765
"This, but OP should have said to the person on the elevator, who said OP was the AH that they didn't need to get on the elevator with him then."
"And could have waited for the third elevator after the mum with the kids. NTA." ~ Ok_Possibility5715
"NTA - I am soooooooo sick of entitled parents."
"Just because you breed does NOT entitle you to special treatment." ~ SeasonMystic
"NTA. She made the choice to have kids."
"More than that, she made the choice to have seven of them."
"Seriously, that is just too many, especially within a 9-year time span."
"If she makes that choice, tough luck if it is hard, but that is what she chose." ~ Blake_Raven
"I don’t think it excuses her behavior and I still hold that OP is NTA."
"I am all for judging her for being rude."
"But I try not to judge large families because you never know how they came to be a large family."
"Maybe she has custody of nieces/nephews or siblings."
"But she could be completely overwhelmed and still not be rude."
"She can request someone take the next elevator, but they also can say no." ~ boatymcboatface22
"NTA. Especially since she has a history of kicking people out of the elevator?"
"Like TF is wrong with this lady." ~ hellomother**ckheyhi
"NTA, you got on the elevator first and she can wait."
"She reeks of entitlement and I sure hope those kids don’t grow up to be like her."
"She really needs someone to tell her that she can’t always be given a pass because she 7 young children."
"She chose to have those kids so she needs to deal with the consequences." ~ IDKguessthisworks
"That kind of 'parenting' makes my blood boil!"
"I am one of eleven siblings in my family, though a bit more spread out in general."
"There are 28 years between the oldest and the youngest."
"And there were times my mom would be out and about with several of us (plus a couple of cousins she would babysit a lot of the time, too)."
"She'd have the double stroller, and be carrying a baby in a Snugli on her chest, with the older ones staying close to her."
"She would never, and I mean NEVER, have allowed us to act up like that on the bus or anywhere else!"
"We were required to stay in arms reach at all times, too, because she worried about something happening to us."
"I can't even imagine one of us slapping somebody on the bus, but if we had, she sure wouldn't have been laughing!"
"She would have made us apologize, she'd have been apologizing profusely, and we would have been in trouble when we got home!"
"I just can't imagine a mom (or any parent) thinking that kind of behavior is funny!"
"I'm sorry you've had to deal with that stuff! Oh, and NTA!" ~ Disastrous-Solid-234
"NTA. If she touches anyone again, you’d should speak to building management about her hostility and potentially the police."
"An elderly person could fall and easily break a hip."
"Happens all the time without being shoved." ~ SpeakableFart
"NTA... but it’s quite funny that the third person called you an a**hole but had no problem getting on the elevator once the lady and her kids came out." ~ Just_Because28
"NTA. She created the problem when A."
"She chose to keep f**king without birth control."
"Yes, I know sometimes it happens even if you're on BC, but 7 times? Come the f**k on."
"And B. She chooses to not establish/enforce boundaries with her kids and prevent them from being freaking hooligans." ~ RoseTyler38
"NTA. I have 5 kids and it was my choice to have my gaggle of spawns."
"That means if anyone is inconvenienced by them it’s me and/or my spouse."
"Elevator too full to fit our family?"
"We wait for the next one since we take up much more space and that’s no one else’s problem."
"You don’t get to reproduce and make it someone else's responsibility to accommodate you and your children."
"Mom sounds like she needs some parenting classes."
"Those children are running her life instead of her actually parenting them." ~ Nerdy-by-nature829
"NTA. It’s not your fault that she’s got way more kids than she can handle."
"Plus, you were even nice enough to hold the door open for her and give her a chance to ride with you."
"Personally, the minute I step inside an elevator, the first button I press is the 'Door Close' button." ~ Zaharizaka
"NTA. I have 3 kids and I've had to wait for the next elevator."
"Kids need to learn patience." ~ Hopelessly_romantic2
OP came back with a little more detail...
"People are concerned with the way that this woman has treated my father."
"She did not physically touch him."
"He was in the elevator and she pushed her stroller in, waved her arms, and yelled at him to get out several times."
"Because he’s hearing impaired, he was very confused and only knew that she was yelling at him and he got off the elevator."
"HAD she put her hands on him, charges would have been filed."
Well OP, this is quite the living situation.
Sometimes neighbors can really cause a raucous.
Reddit seems pretty clear.
You have to speak up for yourself.
Good luck in your future dealing with this family. Stand strong.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp