When a parent or important friend or family member has walked on, people often want to include them in future events and celebrations.
That can be done in a variety of ways. But it should be sensitive to the feelings of the other people in their lives.
A mother turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback over her daughter's plans to honor her late ex-husband during her upcoming wedding.
MinuteComfortable992 asked:
"AITA for refusing to sit next to a picture of my late husband and telling my daughter I will not be going to her wedding if that is her plan?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My late ex-husband and I didn't have a good relationship. He struggled with alcoholism and ultimately drank himself to death after I divorced him."
"After some time, I remarried, but my daughter doesn't get along with my new husband. They have a strained relationship, and I married him while she was in college."
"She has hated that I have remarried and is kinda a d*ck to my husband."
"My daughter is getting married soon, and while I'm excited for her, I've had some concerns about how she's planning the wedding. She mentioned wanting to include a picture of my late husband at the ceremony, which I completely understand as a way to honor him."
"However, she also wants me to sit next to his picture during the ceremony, and my husband would sit elsewhere. I told her that I'm not comfortable with that arrangement.
"I also learned she wanted me to sit with a picture at the family table, and my husband wouldn't be sitting there either."
"I told her no. She got upset and said I was being selfish and disrespectful to her and her father's memory. I told her that if that's her plan, I won't be able to attend the wedding."
"She called me a jerk, and now the family is involved."
"It's not just a picture, it's the disrespect.
"I divorced him. I wouldn't sit next to him if he was alive. Why should I if he is dead (which makes it weirder)."
"Also, it's just uncomfortable, like I can never be rid of him. Even though I divorced him and he is dead, I am still not free from him."
"I don't want to sit next to my ex-husband at all. I do not like him even in death."
"It is uncomfortable and weird."
The OP summed up their situation.
"AITA for refusing to sit next to a picture of my late ex-husband through a wedding and reception while my husband has to sit elsewhere and telling my daughter I will not be going to her wedding if that is her plan."
"I could be a jerk for not doing it and telling her I will not come to the wedding if she wants me to do that."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Honestly, since you divorced before he passed, he's not even your late husband. He's your ex-husband. She can honor his memory all day long, but it would be ridiculous to sit you next to your ex instead of your spouse even if your ex was still alive."
"I could see a modest compromise of sitting next to the picture and your spouse during the ceremony if you feel comfortable with that, but eating dinner with a picture of your ex instead of your actual spouse is absurd. NTA." ~ mango_bingo
"Part of me wonders if this is really about honoring her dad or just trying to screw over her stepdad. NTA."
"She does not like him, and it feels a bit like she cooked up this whole mom sitting next to a picture frame thing so she could have a reason (a nonsensical one) to seat stepdad somewhere else, both for ceremony and reception."
"Seating a picture in a frame seems comical and unhinged, whereas if her relationship with dad was so important, a small tasteful table set up with some photos of her and dad together over the years makes so much more sense." ~ FeistyDuckling31
"Have you had this talk with her: 'I'm glad you love your dad; I want you to always love your dad and hold him in high regard for all the ways he was important to you.'"
"'But you are an adult now, and you are capable of separating your dad from my husband. You are old enough to understand that he was not a good husband to me. We divorced for VERY good reasons'."
"'Now it is beautiful and right of you to honour your dad at your wedding. I love the idea of you having his photo at your ceremony. That's so lovely. I even love the idea of him being at the reception. And I'm happy to talk to you about ideas for featuring him in both things'."
"'But asking me to sit with his photo, as if we were happily married when he died—when we were not. Asking me to sit alone. Which clearly means you are punishing my husband and me. That is selfish'."
"'Your dad and I were not married when he died. And if he hadn't drank himself to death, we would not be sitting anywhere near each other at your wedding'."
"'I can't tell if you are trying to have some kind of childish illusion of us being together or if your motivation is cruelty to me, but either way, it's not right, it's not healthy, and I will not participate, and it has nothing to do with me being selfish'."
"'If you would like, I am so happy to talk to you about some lovely ways we can honor and feature your dad in your ceremony and reception. And if you'd prefer my husband not sit at the family table, I will sit with him at a guest table'."
"'But if you insist on this insulting delusion, then I'm going to have to bow out. It's really up to what you prefer and WHY you are really trying to do this to me'."
"I would say this whole thing calmly and gently and I'd also have this talk in person with her fiance with her so he's in the loop and can ask her what her motivation is."
"NTA. But try and deescalate it by sticking to these facts and the why." ~ LimitlessMegan
"NTA. It's 100% fair enough that she feels inclined to honor her father at her wedding, but there's definitely a limit to what is reasonable of her to expect from you in regards to it. Particularly expecting your husband to sit elsewhere while she seats you next to your ex-husband's photo—yikes!"
"You set a perfectly reasonable boundary, and the fact that she doesn't like the choice in front of her is a her problem and the fact that she's completely unbothered by your explicit discomfort with her plans makes her the selfish and disrespectful one in this scenario." ~ hannahkelli
"Yeah. It's one thing to honor her relationship with her father."
"It is quite another for her to ask her mom to pretend to have a relationship with her ex-husband that she hasn't had for years, to act as some sort of prop."
"The first doesn't require the second, and it's creepy to treat her living mom and her deceased father like dolls she can boop together and say 'Now kiss!'." ~ FullMoonTwist
"NTA. A simple compassion exercise would hopefully solve this. Imagine things were reversed, and she were asked to attend a wedding with her fiancé, but would not be able to be in proximity to her fiancé."
"Instead, she must sit next to an image of a toxic ex who the bride had a great relationship with. Wouldn't she find that very disrespectful? Wouldn't she feel hurt by someone who loves her asking her to disrespect her partner and herself?"
"Something brides and grooms need to learn is that their big day is NOT all about them. They don't get to run roughshod over human decency to fulfill some strange fairytale. That's not reality."
"I think you've extended plenty of grace in understanding that your daughter had a positive relationship with her father, and therefore his memory would be included in her wedding. In asking you to actively disrespect your husband, she is crossing a line."
"Your boundary is reasonable. I'm so sorry your daughter is not currently capable of processing basic human empathy." ~ victrin
"NTA. Of course she wants to remember her dad and have him present at her wedding. I'm sure the loss is painful and significant as she approaches this important day."
"But having you sit next to a photo, especially considering your history with him, is ghoulish. You divorced and that's not a light decision."
"You had to make a hard choice in life to no longer tie yourself to him, and having you sit next to a photo of him ties you back together in his death."
"There are ways of honoring the dead and remembering them during milestones, but your daughter doesn't get to disrespect the living in order to do so." ~ anotherintro
It's hard to know what is motivating her daughter, but OP is under no obligation to indulge her whims.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.